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When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 8:06:30 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I am putting this in this forum as my initial perspective on it is coming from my position as a submissive. I certainly welcome other viewpoints on the matter as well from people on the D-side of things.

Life is busy these days. My Lady and I are both working our jobs hard and we have this new yard that is taking a lot of time and is immense fun, but it IS taking time...time away from other things...things like keeping the kitchen clean and staying on top of the laundry...

Sometimes it hits a point where things can get so out of order that they hinder any useful tasks in that area. And when the D-Type gets tweaked by it...well then the negative self talk in the s-type starts up -

"I should have found time to do that..." "She shouldn't have to take a hand to intercede..." "That's my fault..."

We are both flat out and I know that she is not thinking that way - she told me so this morning when I got stressed over it all.

I honestly think it is simply an aspect of Life and a D/s or M/s dynamic...and likely nature of the beast - we are submissive to their desires and we put ourselves in position of supporting their life. So when anything gets out of order in their procession of life...s-types get guilt.

At least I do.

So I wanted to bring this up for some discussion - and maybe awareness in D-Types if other s-types feel the same way...and maybe we can discuss ways to bring it up for discussion so it does not become an issue - "Look I know we have both been busy and the party junk from Saturday is still out..."

I cannot tell you how hard that can be to do - to express your own limitations to your Dominant. Again, at least for me and pretty much all of the other submissives I know in my life.

So...something I am dealing with right now. How do you deal with it? What are your methods or processes to keep it from becoming either a silent guilt-fest, or a stressed out Dominant stepping in? And how do you handle things if you need the Dominant to step in...and not tear yourself to pieces over it?



< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 4/5/2012 8:08:36 AM >

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 8:46:52 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Master keeps reminding that I don't have to do everything alone. Matter of fact, he tend to get peeved when I've done too much and pushed myself towards being sore and exhausted.

Right now, I'm working full time for my company, planning a charity event, dealing with my father who is injured and needs surgery, dealing with an injured brother who is still reeling from the death of his fiancee, my stepfather is dying and we bought a "fixer" house.

I'm really lucky that I'm with someone that understands that regardless of D/s dynamics, it takes two people to make this house and relationship run. We've been together long enough, that we're both comfortable expressing when things get to be too much.

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 9:25:16 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for your reply OsideGirl. Yes, My Lady always helps and works just as hard as I do on things around the house, and like I said, she isn't ever thinking "My what a lazy submissive I have."

And yet, that expression of limits is really hard for me and is a recurring issue that I need to sort out as it feeds that sense of guilt if something falls behind or does not get done within a proper time frame.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 4/5/2012 9:26:02 AM >

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 9:52:05 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Otter... I have been through this from a few positions. When my illness manifested, when life overwhelmed in any relationship and with submissives that have had huge responsibilities and are dead tired. In any type of relationship, I am taking part in the household, even when I worked and they did not. My day to day involvement was little, but in the major things, I took part.

I had a very dominant father and if one thing was out of place, we heard or felt it! lol So, our mom taught us... do the bed first, its the biggest thing in the room. Look at the room and see what he will see first and do that. So when I got sick, my clean house with never a spot on a wall to be found, got to be so overwhelming I wanted to close my eyes and not see it. That was a talent I did learn! lol

But I have learned to cope with the clutter of a life lived with limitations. I have rules for myself on some days. Every time I get up, I must do a little something. Even if it is just to move one thing to another place and sit back down. I've learned when time or illness has kept me down, this is my way as I get more time or feeling better, to get something done. I have learned to release myself from the torment of that messy house because it isn't reasonable to be able to do all that must be done. I find ways to curtail things that may be taking to much time.

I go into a room and say... you have ten minutes to get this in order and then you have to walk out. Its amazing what you can do when you make this a timed game.

As for a submissive overwhelmed because of his wonderful attitude about himself, me and who we are... I do have to remind him that I am in charge and if his feelings are hindering him from accepting my acceptance of what he cannot do... we must get to the bottom of that. His self worth isn't something I want messed with and that is coming from anyone. Even him! Now... what gets into crunch time is that we may not have time to digest that self worth or picture of self, what was and what now is and how to maintain it sometimes. I have found key phrases from me to him... for him to repeat when he goes there... to be helpful.

Ma'am doens't want me thinking about myself in this manner. Mistress wants me to stop bothering myself and picking on myself because I feel I need to do more. I am doing exactly what my love wants me to do and if she says it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

One important thing... while I love a submissive being mine and submitting to me and love all he does for me, the moment anything gets in there and starts making those things hard... is the minute we hope to catch right away and do something about. HE MEANS MORE to me than those things!


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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 10:05:59 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit


I go into a room and say... you have ten minutes to get this in order and then you have to walk out. Its amazing what you can do when you make this a timed game.


This is also true for me. I have it set up so I have a maximum of 15 minutes in each room. Some rooms are everyday, some are every other day, some are once per week. It has helped immensely to keep the chaos at bay.




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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 3:46:13 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Otter,
I've often heard that s-types are harder on themselves than the D-types are on them. It would seem that's true in your case.

One thing that I find that helps me is a two fold thing. One is meditation. It helps me get clear about what is important. It helps me find the jewel of the truth. It's not that the desk is a mess so much as I may realize I have too much paperwork to do, and I'm feeling resentful about it and thus avoiding cleaning the desk. (Recent true story!) Ten minutes a day helps me.

The other thing is that your Lady accepts and loves you for the person you are. If she wanted a Stepford wife, I expect she would have one. Is it possible to simply tell yourself, "she loves me just as I am - imperfections and all" and believe it? Is it possible to trust that she will tell you what she wants, and to give up some of your concerns here? It helps me to remember that some things are more important than others. I had a sweetie once tell me, "sunshine, why would I want you to clean that? I want to spend my time with you doing X instead." That was a real eye opener for me. Being with me was MORE IMPORTANT at that moment. There are other things that are more important, Otter. My bet is that your Lady knows what she values at this moment. She knows what she wants. For me, reminding myself of that helps a lot.

Another thing that helps me is a weekly discussion. It doesn't have to be a big deal - coffee Sat morning or a glass of wine Monday evening. What's the one thing I wish I'd gotten done last week (that question was just asked of me, ahem)... it helps to focus on what is important to you and to the other person. If there is a place to look at ONE THING, the most important thing, and then give it attention, it helps alleviate the stress for me anyway. And NO I haven't done this thing yet that I should have done last week. I'm getting some help to do it today. I didn't have to worry about it the last few days because I had a plan in place for today. :)

And Otter, honey.... lists. They are the greatest invention on the planet. *smooch*


*edited because paragraphs are my friend and they were feeling left out. ahem*

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/5/2012 3:48:57 PM >

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 4:34:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We talk about it. If he feels I'm stressed out at the moment and I simply don't have time he takes it into consideration and he'll either let it go if it's not a big deal to him, he'll step in and help out and tell me why he's doing so so that I don't feel guilty about it or he'll give me a deadline to have it done once he knows more about my schedule.

There are projects of his that he needs done that I have not had time to work on either due to school working being the priority or doctor's appointments or I've been ill. He's understanding and so it's rarely a problem with him. If it's something that he needs done NOW then I simply push everything else aside including my health, to make sure it gets done. Priorities are extremely important to me.

I'm of the opinion you two need to sit down and talk about it if you feel it's a major problem for you. Maybe she can reassure you it's not important or that she realizes that life happens. Or maybe you both can work out a better schedule together.

Basically what I'm saying is...make each other a priority.


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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 4:39:00 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		I do most of the yard work, I enjoy having a well groomed lawn, I have maids that come twice a week to clean the house. When I find a new girl I'll probably stop paying the cleaners to come over. I don't have time to detail the cupboards and curtains. Even if I did have the time, I'd rather have a service or a houseboi/girl do it. When I get contracts that take me away from the home for extended periods, usually 3-6 months at a time, I hire a local guy to do the lawn care while I'm gone. I prefer to have the girls well rested but not lazy, so usually when in a relationship I give them a strict regiment that gives them enough to do in thier free time to keep them from sitting around gaurding the couch, but not so much that they need aspirin and glass of wine at the end of the day. When Brooke and Penny were here, most of thier schedule revolved around school and studies, so they only had one day a week assigned for cleaning, but throught the week they had small responsibilities expected of them to keep the house tidy. Hope you find that kind of balance.

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 4:57:03 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		There is an ebb and flow to life. In vanilla, BDSM, whatever label one chooses to put on one's relationship. Professional demands, family commitments, health issues, will all place different demands and strains on one or both of a partnership at different points in one's life. How two people manage that as a couple is a basic fundamental of any relationship. Strong relationships are always able to manage the ebb and flow. But those who don't expect the ebb and flow, or who don't think life is about ebb and flow, will be sadly disappointed....disappointed from relationships, from life, from really everything. Ebb and flow is everything.

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 5:14:49 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		you've described parts of our life -- and we both stress about it... we just don't always have the time for everything...

I don't have solutions for you, but I can definitely tell you that I know what you are both feeling...

my advice is to do what we do: talk about it, acknowledge it, and don't stop talking about it... and when you can.. both of you.. continue to make the effort...

because its life.. and we decided a long time ago, if we put things aside because we get laid off, lose one of our beloved cats, move my Mom from Florida to assisted living here, work for 6 months 14 hours a day 7 days a week, when its really just life 101 as we call it -- then there will always be an excuse...

one other thing... we do try to make some of those things -- mutually taking care of the yard for example, done in our own way.. in service... or when she's doing a chore, that's really a chore (new garbage disposal) I take a moment to remind her its not in service to the house.. but to me...

that's how we manage... if we can't do this and handle life too.. then we can't do it..

persevere.. I know you will..

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But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 5:16:49 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		ahh.. I do this one too... she'll ask me if she can take time to do something that isn't on my schedule.. and I'll give a time limit and say ok


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit


I go into a room and say... you have ten minutes to get this in order and then you have to walk out. Its amazing what you can do when you make this a timed game.


This is also true for me. I have it set up so I have a maximum of 15 minutes in each room. Some rooms are everyday, some are every other day, some are once per week. It has helped immensely to keep the chaos at bay.






_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 9:56:46 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		It would seem, based on what you said, that this is more of a personal issue for you rather than one within your relationship since your partner understands other things have taken priority.  I'm betting that regardless of a relationship you would feel guilty about letting something that was *your* responsibility slide because something else took priority.

There are times in everyone's life where regular "chores" fall to the wayside in order to complete other tasks.  It could be one's final exams that leave dirty dishes in the sink longer than they should be, or making a new yard a peaceful retreat as the warm weather season approaches.

So it is more about you realizing that you simply can't do it all.  Kind of like those "supermoms" who are trying to do it all, work full time, maintain a house by themselves, take the kids to every extra curricular activity known to man, complete their doctorate, etc.  It simply can't be done with everything being "perfect."  So there comes a time when you need to cut yourself some slack and realize that this "hectic busy time" will eventually level out and things will all get done when they should again.

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/5/2012 11:39:10 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
I honestly think it is simply an aspect of Life and a D/s or M/s dynamic...and likely nature of the beast - we are submissive to their desires and we put ourselves in position of supporting their life. So when anything gets out of order in their procession of life...s-types get guilt.

I agree. I do feel bad when I fail to live up to the standards of what he's asked or expected of me (or indeed, the standards of serving him that I have in my own head, which at times is me expecting too much of myself)--those feelings are the worst.

However, my first instinct and the first thing I always do when I feel bad about something or something is bothering me (or if feel anything about something, really--positive or negative) is talk to my Master about it. I trust him and his guidance always provides to me a solution. Sometimes that is just him reminding me that I'm doing great and I shouldn't push myself so hard, reminding me that I don't have to do everything alone and it's ok to ask for help sometimes, and that I shouldn't think so negatively about myself (it's his job to pass those judgments on me, after all.) Sometimes that is him realizing he expected of me something that was "too much" at the time, and re-hashing the plan to something that is more manageable and will work. And sometimes it's him telling me to just keep doing my best. I can always rely on him to put me in a better headspace, one that is both healthier and happier for me, and increases my productivity as well (being nervous, upset, and flustered does not make for much proficiency at anything.)

What it comes down to is that I make him a priority, and he does the same for me. Part of that means letting him know what's going on inside my head. That's something he wants, needs, and deserves to know.

If you are having trouble bringing up your guilt, perhaps you can think of it this way: If she is your priority, and you are giving yourself and your service to her, doesn't she deserve to know what's on your mind? After all, your thoughts and worries are a part of you as well--a part very relevant to you as a person as well as your productivity in accomplishing the tasks she has set to you. My Master makes it a requirement for me to speak my mind to him at all times--I'm very grateful for this rule.

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/6/2012 2:44:39 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		If it helps you any, here's how I think about such situations.

All of Carol's life and activities are mine to command. So if she is busy doing thing X then that is at my command. If thing Y gets de-prioritized then that's the inevitable results of my own commands. I'm not disappointed in it. I'm glad that she can handle a complex list of tasks and prioritize in ways I approve of. Rarely, she prioritizes differently than I would have. That also is not a disappointment to me. I don't expect her to be psychic. I stop and take the time to explain what I want and why so that next time she'll prioritize more correctly.

But really, I may be dominate and all... but I'm smart enough to understand the basics of reality :) Carol does her best to sort out oft-times complex and conflicting sets of commands and "do what I would want". I'm sure you do too.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/6/2012 7:28:07 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry I only got back to this once yesterday - as I said, we are both flat out. :)

Thanks to all of you for your insightful replies. Lockit, the passion and care in your response made me cry. :)

Sunshine, your concept of "resent -->avoid" really hit home. I totally do this! I suck at lists but am finding myself making them more and more these days.

littlewonder: Yes, making each other our priority is a foundation stone of our relationship. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Endivius: I expect I already have that kind of balance...I just need to quiet the inside voices that are telling me that I am not worthy of it.

fucktoyprincess: I always say that 95% of kinky life is vanilla and your concept of ebb and flow expounds on that concept by showing that there will be periods where kink takes priority and periods where simple vanilla life and work take priority.

Madame4a: Continually putting in that effort is important. Even if I can just say at the end of the day - hey I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. The kitchen may not be clean, but at least thought and effort was put forth to it.

LafayetteLady: Never thought I would find myself in that "Supermom" way of thinking...and yet here I am. That "I should be able to do it all." concept just has to go and simply refrain it to "What should be my priority for today?"

RaspberryLemon: We did talk about it last night and She reiterated that she understands that we are doing other things and that some items are falling behind. She was not stressed about it at all. There was a point a number of months ago where this behavior started when something got so behind that she restructured plans to deal with it and I got that terrible "failure" hit. We discussed it at the time, and she was stressed over it, but not blaming me. However it keeps coming up - that hit of "failure". I think your thought on speaking my mind is a good one. From now on, if I get that failure feeling, I am going to tell her immediately and discuss.

Jeff: Welcome to the Kinky world! Your other post made me LOL! You may not be in to physical sensation play, but trust me, you are kinky! Revel in it!

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RE: When Life Interferes with Dynamics - 4/6/2012 11:58:12 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		How to cope with the guilt of not being a superhero?
You learn that a small degree of selfishness is okay. That you prioritize, and accept you can't do everything. Because if you try, you end up blacking out and in the hospital because you've pushed yourself past physical or mental limitations to deal with 'everything'.

Guilt is the smaller burden to bear, until you can learn to accept only a certain percentage of your time and energy should be spent on work. Your life span and energy are finite, and you have to decide which is the more important things to spend them on. Family, loved ones, and making a difference in their life, not necessarily in their housework.

--

On a personal note? I've hit mental and physical limitations more than once, and have suffered for them, twice ending up in hospital, and more recently finding myself close to what feels like insanity everytime someone demands more of me when I've given all I can.
It's gotten to the point with my own family I don't feel guilty, now I feel nothing but anger and resentment, because I allowed it to go on so long. Anger at myself for being pushed into this position, and anger at my family for expecting more of me then they themselves will do. I don't know if I will ever be able to see my family the same way again, or be as close to them again, possibly not.

Definitely talk about it before it becomes a limit reaching event, and I always advocate to people "Be a little selfish" not a lot, but 10% of every day, think of yourself first, and what you need, especially if no one else is doing it. If your dominant already is thinking of your needs first, then you are lucky, but they aren;t mind readers, letting them know is only fair, and leads to a smoother relationship.

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