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ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

There is not really any resement for starters.

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I don't have an addiction to porn either, I think this isn't really going in the correct direction.

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I feel I want BDSM/humiliation/etc/etc and I don't get it from my current girlfriend so yes porn is an outlet where I seek out what I cannot get in my relationship.

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I want bdsm and i dont' get it in my relationship and I want it more and more, its as simple as that.

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I can leave the relationship before ending up more serious, or I could continue to try and get her comfortable with the lifestyle, maybe she'll be into it.

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ORIGINAL: Aswad

Sounds more like RedMagic is right in this case.

Although I'm not an expert, the way you express yourself does seem suggestive of a problematic feedback loop.

Let's skip the prelude and start with the point where you discover an interest in submission. The porn is a reasonable outlet in itself. But unless kept to an occasional thing, it tends to affect your desires in a manner that is detrimental to the relationship and also to any prospect of experiencing your desires offline with another partner. That drives a wedge between you and your partner, creating an ever widening gap in desires while artificially heightening the degree of lust feeding yours. Which increases the reliance on porn as an outlet, closing the loop.

Realize that if you do find a compatible partner, this desire will fade quickly back to normal levels.

Cut the porn for starters. A therapist is also a good idea. You may want to seek out a different partner while there is still something other than resentment left in your relationship, ending it on a good note, rather than letting it rot (in which case you'll probably end up with a kid before it reaches the stage where you both realize it can't go on, at which point the kid will pay for your mistakes).

Another option, which I can't really recommend, but which you'll possibly want to consider anyway, is to use your porn issue to drive your interest in a different direction to improve compatibility. Starting from the femdom/malesub interest, go to femdom/femsub, then on to MF teamdom/femsub, then maledom/femsub. Congratulations, basic reprogramming complete. It won't run very deep, but it should be enough to be compatible with your current mate. It still requires you to cut back on the porn when you're done, though.

Health,
al-Aswad.

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ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Ok.. But what if the person is emotionally compatible with me and vanilla sexually compatible w. Me but just isnt into ndsm like I am.. What happens then? Can it work? Shoukd I try to get her into it?

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ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Hm,, well. There is not really any resement for starters. I don't have an addiction to porn either, I think this isn't really going in the correct direction.

I feel I want BDSM/humiliation/etc/etc and I don't get it from my current girlfriend so yes porn is an outlet where I seek out what I cannot get in my relationship. But I don't exactly think thats really a problem or addiction..

I sometimes feel maybe I do need a partner who is somewhat into bdsm to fulffill some of my needs. Maybe that person will be more comptabile with me and I won't desire these urges as much. I want bdsm and i dont' get it in my relationship and I want it more and more, its as simple as that.

I guess I really have two options here and its not seeking a therapist or stop looking at porn. I can leave the relationship before ending up more serious, or I could continue to try and get her comfortable with the lifestyle, maybe she'll be into it.

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But what truly astonishes me, is that more than one person automatically went to telling this guy he should see a therapist, because he likes kink/bdsm, his girlfriend isn't into that, and he keeps his (failing?) relationship intact by satisfying that urge with porn.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama

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But what truly astonishes me, is that more than one person automatically went to telling this guy he should see a therapist, because he likes kink/bdsm, his girlfriend isn't into that, and he keeps his (failing?) relationship intact by satisfying that urge with porn.

Porn can rewire your brain and create separation from and less satisfaction with your partner. Watch the http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series videos or read the transcripts, or see:

He's Just Not That Into Anyone

Even, and perhaps especially, when his girlfriend is acting like the women he can’t stop watching online.

...Is it possible that porn is causing men to detach from their partners in more profound ways? Though porn research is the subject of much debate and barb-flinging (with religious groups seizing on any study to prove that porn and masturbation are wrong), scientists speculate that a dopamine-oxytocin combo is released in the brain during orgasm, acting as a “biochemical love potion,” as behavioral therapist Andrea Kuszewski calls it. It’s the reason after having sex with someone, you’re probably more inclined to form an emotional attachment. But you don’t have to actually have sex in order to get those neurotransmitters firing. When you watch porn, “you’re bonding with it,” Kuszewski says. “And those chemicals make you want to keep coming back to have that feeling.” Which allows men not only to get off on porn but to potentially develop a neurological attachment to it. They can, in essence, date porn.

And as tripod-in-the-corner porn evolves into a high-def wonderland, our grasp on whether we’re watching sex or actually having sex may, with the help of oxytocin, loosen. Many of the men I interviewed spoke of the charge they get from watching their favorite porn actresses. But they also had a tendency to describe the act of watching porn as though it were a real sex act they had participated in—making their emotional investment in porn all the more concrete. “I love when Kasey [Kox] is fully clothed and smiling at me from her bed, or I’m doing her from behind,” says Ron, the architecture student. “I get one glimpse of Kasey and I’m so turned on. I get dizzy.”

All of which raises an interesting question: How does having sometimes flaccid, sometimes faked, oftentimes dizzied sex impact the partners on the receiving end? Sadie, 29, a real-estate agent in Boston, quotes performance artist Nicole Blackman to make her point: “ ‘There is no glory in trying to make love to men who only know how to fuck—man after man after man after man raised on porn.'

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chemicals make you want to keep coming back to have that feeling

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ORIGINAL: Karmastic

I do have to say, I'm amazed that so much has been made of the porn.

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I didn't see it as anything other than him fulfilling a sexual need that he's already tried to initiate and fulfill (and failed) with his girlfriend.

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The focus remained on that, even as the OP protested that he was misunderstood, and that it hasn't taken over his life, or driven any wedge into his relationship that didn't already exist.

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But what truly astonishes me, is that more than one person automatically went to telling this guy he should see a therapist, because he likes kink/bdsm, his girlfriend isn't into that, and he keeps his (failing?) relationship intact by satisfying that urge with porn.

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Okay, so I'm the newb here, am I getting this all wrong? What did I miss?

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ORIGINAL: Aswad

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ORIGINAL: Karmastic

I do have to say, I'm amazed that so much has been made of the porn.

I watch porn. I like it. But I've also observed the mechanism during a sexually frustrated period of my life, and curbed it immediately because I know enough about how such things work to recognize the feedback loop in action. So, for me, it stayed a healthy adjunct to my sex life.

In short, I'm not inclined to point fingers at porn. Shake a stick at it, yes. Point a finger, no.

The OP is describing that feedback loop, however, and describing what happens if you let it become a problem. Increasing desires or urges that are sufficient to post about it as being a problem, let alone considering breaking up an otherwise working relationship, should not occur in someone with postpubertal hormone levels. Except when that feedback loop is at work.

If you're not familiar with the problem, the pointers are easy to miss.

If you are, they stick out like a sore thumb.

Perhaps we're seeing something that isn't there. An easy way to find out is to simply cut back a while. If he isn't stuck in something negative, he will experience no change after laying off a few weeks. If he is, he will see a significant change in his desires in the same time. And if the porn is important enough that cutting back to check if we might have a point here seems drastic, then he's too invested in it and has a problem.

I don't know about you, but for me it's always been important to test the realism of my own assessments whenever a question is raised as to whether or not they are accurate.

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I didn't see it as anything other than him fulfilling a sexual need that he's already tried to initiate and fulfill (and failed) with his girlfriend.

That's how I see it as starting out, and how it can remain when one keeps an eye on it.

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The focus remained on that, even as the OP protested that he was misunderstood, and that it hasn't taken over his life, or driven any wedge into his relationship that didn't already exist.

Which is why I simply described a problematic mechanism.

I didn't feel that there was justification for going as far as to suggest an addiction or problems on the scale of one. That's a pretty serious thing to suggest on scant evidence. Obviously, that isn't to say that such a thing can't happen, just that I don't think it has done so yet. And I don't have any solid indication that it necessarily will progress that far.

What I do have, is his admission that a problem has occured, and an indication of one of the driving mechanisms behind the problem. Based on personal experience, observation of this mechanism in others, and a quick review of how it works, I found it to be the one thing that will give the best cost/benefit tradeoff for him to do something about at this time.

Except, of course, communicating clearly with his partner, where I made the apparently erroneous assumption that he already has tried doing so. The basis for that assumption was that he mentioned having posted about his situation already, and that the first piece of advice given is usually precisely to communicate. It is also usually the most ignored advice, and it's something most people aren't very good at, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Turning a submissive girlfriend into a dominant doesn't seem like a very viable course of action.

Getting her to top him once in a while is a different matter, of course.

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But what truly astonishes me, is that more than one person automatically went to telling this guy he should see a therapist, because he likes kink/bdsm, his girlfriend isn't into that, and he keeps his (failing?) relationship intact by satisfying that urge with porn.

The problem he voiced is growing urges, in a thread titled "resisting the urges".

Talking to a couples therapist or a regular therapist is a much faster way to get good input from someone who knows what they're talking about than going via the boards. I know we have several people here that are actually qualified therapists, and the feedback I've had so far indicates a lot of people think I make sense more often than not.

Without a lot of digging and exchanges back and forth, none of us will have enough context to give tailored advice. And in the end, he will be left with diverse advice to sort through with little to tell him which advice is worth listening to, and if he doesn't like it, it's going to be easy to write it off as "advice off the Internet" even if it should happen to be the right advice. In short, a lot of investment for those offering the advice, with dubious prospects of actually doing any good.

A therapist can be interactive in real time and arrive at good advice in a short amount of time with more weight behind that advice, while getting paid to provide it. That increases the odds of getting sound advice, recognizing it as sound, and then acting on it. Whatever it happens to be. I'm not going to pretend mine is necessarily the right advice. It's just as close as I'll get with the available information and the time I care to spend on it without compensation, i.e. a best effort reply.

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Okay, so I'm the newb here, am I getting this all wrong? What did I miss?

Being a newb doesn't preclude being right. You may well be. And you're asking good, honest questions in a manner that is quite promising (please don't take that as condescending; I often come across as such, but it is rarely my intention).

If there's one thing you're ascribing less weight to than I am, it's the aspect of "resisting the [growing] urges" that he has presented as being problematic. Without that, I would have completely ignored the porn thing, foregone any mention of therapists, and simply said "talk to her" (albeit likely taking a couple of paragraphs to say it; you may have noticed already that brevity is not my strong suit).

I hope that clears up the whys and wherefores on my end, at least.

Else, feel free to ask, and I'll try to clarify better.

Health,
al-Aswad.

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condescending

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ORIGINAL: Karmastic

Forgive me for throwing your own words back at you, but that's my response to just about everything you're saying.

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And remember, it was me that said he should communicate, and others who said he needs therapy.

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I'm sure you'll agree that one cannot resist such urges (their true sexual nature) for long without something giving!

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I humbly suggest you read into his words, and ran with it.

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And thank you for the compliment - I try to be humble, and respect the social order I'm stepping head-first into.

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Ps - smooches

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ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Hi all, i've been posting alot recently regarding my vanilla relationship. Anyway, my urge for BDSM has gotten stronger and stronger. I've been trying to stop the urges, but I can't. I've tried doing some bdsm type stuff with my girlfriend, but she really isn't all into it. Im submissive, she likes more when im dominant in the bedroom, and I dont know, it just doesnt seem to work when it comes to brining a bdsm element into the bedroom..

I've been having CRAZY, CRAZY desire to pay a findomme. I've been so turned on by this, and I look at porn, and go to financial domme websites and see many men with girlfriends and wives who pay these women. Not that I would do that becuase i know its cheating, but I just want it so bad.

What can I do to stop these urges, and just be ok in a vanilla relationship and not want to get on skype and humiliate myself and pay a domme not to send all the pictures out??