How do I not waste your time?

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Karmastic -> How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 6:55:29 PM)
I'm going through a sort of transformation and coming out. I've always been very strong, "quiet" type of leader/dominant, not flaunty show power, my power just "is", if that makes sense. I've always attracted natural subs. But, it's always started as a vanilla relationship, which is mostly what I want beyond kink/bdsm anyway. And never discussed, like "hey, I want to control you sexually". Just happens - but I've never taken it very far [:(][&:][&o] I need to be who I really am sexually, and to DO the things I want to do TO someone who compliments my needs and enjoys pleasing, but discussed up front! My question is this: is it realistic for someone like me to be with a woman who is already in "the life", meaning, they already knowingly and consciously realized who they are sexually (which includes kink/bdsm), and have enjoyed that already? I think this applies to the subs and slaves here. I don’t want to waste experienced subs/slaves time if I'm not in the right league or something like that. I don't want to be a poser or a McDom. I don’t really care if she's experienced or not, but I probably wouldn’t be a good match for someone who wants kink/bdsm in all or most realms of their lives. I've already got some great advice on Craigslist kinkfo, and talked to some really helpful subs, slaves and doms. Thanks in advance!

peppermint -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:08:06 PM)
Find a partner you enjoy being with, talking to, having fun with, who enjoys many of the same life's pleasures as you do. If going to concerts is a big thing with you, hopefully you can find someone who likes to go go concerts with you. If you enjoy movies, finding someone who also enjoys watching movies is a plus. If you do online gaming, then finding someone who also does online gaming will make it all the more fun. The kink stuff is an added bonus, not the end all and be all of a relationship. By the way, posting the same topic in more than one forum is against TOS. Expect one of your posts to be deleted. If it's this one you may never see my answer.

poise -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:33:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I've always attracted natural subs. But, it's always started as a vanilla relationship, which is mostly what I want beyond kink/bdsm anyway. And never discussed, like "hey, I want to control you sexually". Just happens - but I've never taken it very far [:(][&:][&o] So, you have no trouble attracting natural subs (whatever that may mean) but have yet to actually take control of them in the bedroom? What is it that's stopping you from taking charge there? Are the things you want to do to them things you may not have enough experience in, and you have a fear you may harm them in some way? There are workshops available that you can learn an awful lot from. Also see if there are events/munches you can attend in your area. It's a great way to meet others with the same interests, and discuss some of your concerns. quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic My question is this: is it realistic for someone like me to be with a woman who is already in "the life", meaning, they already knowingly and consciously realized who they are sexually (which includes kink/bdsm), and have enjoyed that already? There are an awful lot of men who are just like you, or have been exactly where you are now. It is very realistic that someone who has already experienced some of the kinkier aspects of sex will find interest in you, assuming you have the qualities they are looking for in a man. (meaning, interest outside the bedroom should mesh well first) quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I think this applies to the subs and slaves here. I don’t want to waste experienced subs/slaves time if I'm not in the right league or something like that. Granted, there are an awful lot of women out there that will say you aren't Dominant enough if you don't do X Y and Z, but there are just as many women out there that are looking for a relationship with a man, not with a high ranking BDSM'er to the nnnnth degree.

RedMagic1 -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:35:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic My question is this: is it realistic for someone like me to be with a woman who is already in "the life", meaning, they already knowingly and consciously realized who they are sexually (which includes kink/bdsm), and have enjoyed that already? Here are a couple threads you might find useful. I expect you will feel a lot of, "Hey, I already know that," but it might be put together in a package you can get something from. And... enjoy yourself.[;)] http://www.collarchat.com/m_2099303/tm.htm http://www.collarchat.com/m_1717756/mpage_1/tm.htm

JeffBC -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:50:52 PM)
LOL. Honestly you sound how I would describe my self... or would have a while ago anyway. "I honestly don't know," is the answer. I know that several subs here think I'm an OK guy. Several others don't. I've always assumed that even ones who might otherwise think I'm perfect would want some sort of trapeze sex that I wasn't particularly able to provide but I'm beginning to really wonder at that preconception. Intuitively, I found my way here and it is home enough to keep me here. It's hard to believe that my compliment hasn't also. In my experience, despite the simplifications and "BDSM checklists", in the real world people... women included... subs and slaves included... choose partners for highly complex reasons. What I can absolutely tell you is that poise won't do online parcheesi with me. Make of that what you will.

poise -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:56:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC What I can absolutely tell you is that poise won't do online parcheesi with me. Make of that what you will. Wait, so now you're giving me a choice? Sahweeeeeeeet! I really like how trapeze rhymes with parcheesi, minus a syllable. I hope this doen't mean there's a chink in my armor. [:-]

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 7:59:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint Find a partner you enjoy being with, talking to, having fun with, who enjoys many of the same life's pleasures as you do. If going to concerts is a big thing with you, hopefully you can find someone who likes to go go concerts with you. If you enjoy movies, finding someone who also enjoys watching movies is a plus. If you do online gaming, then finding someone who also does online gaming will make it all the more fun. The kink stuff is an added bonus, not the end all and be all of a relationship. By the way, posting the same topic in more than one forum is against TOS. Expect one of your posts to be deleted. If it's this one you may never see my answer. quote: eet other thanks, I didn't know!

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 8:00:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: poise quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I've always attracted natural subs. But, it's always started as a vanilla relationship, which is mostly what I want beyond kink/bdsm anyway. And never discussed, like "hey, I want to control you sexually". Just happens - but I've never taken it very far [:(][&:][&o] So, you have no trouble attracting natural subs (whatever that may mean) but have yet to actually take control of them in the bedroom? What is it that's stopping you from taking charge there? Are the things you want to do to them things you may not have enough experience in, and you have a fear you may harm them in some way? There are workshops available that you can learn an awful lot from. Also see if there are events/munches you can attend in your area. It's a great way to meet others with the same interests, and discuss some of your concerns. quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic My question is this: is it realistic for someone like me to be with a woman who is already in "the life", meaning, they already knowingly and consciously realized who they are sexually (which includes kink/bdsm), and have enjoyed that already? There are an awful lot of men who are just like you, or have been exactly where you are now. It is very realistic that someone who has already experienced some of the kinkier aspects of sex will find interest in you, assuming you have the qualities they are looking for in a man. (meaning, interest outside the bedroom should mesh well first) quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I think this applies to the subs and slaves here. I don’t want to waste experienced subs/slaves time if I'm not in the right league or something like that. Granted, there are an awful lot of women out there that will say you aren't Dominant enough if you don't do X Y and Z, but there are just as many women out there that are looking for a relationship with a man, not with a high ranking BDSM'er to the nnnnth degree. All great advice, thanks. I was too afraid to take what I wanted, and nothing like worrying about hurting them.

poise -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 8:21:31 PM)
I think there is alot that you can relate to in this post from Kana. Especially his realization that most women actually CRAVED having men take what they wanted from them sexually. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3910109/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#3915687

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 8:33:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: poise I think there is alot that you can relate to in this post from Kana. Especially his realization that most women actually CRAVED having men take what they wanted from them sexually. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3910109/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#3915687 thanks again, im already reading all the other links you gave me :)

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 8:37:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC LOL. Honestly you sound how I would describe my self... or would have a while ago anyway. "I honestly don't know," is the answer. I know that several subs here think I'm an OK guy. Several others don't. I've always assumed that even ones who might otherwise think I'm perfect would want some sort of trapeze sex that I wasn't particularly able to provide but I'm beginning to really wonder at that preconception. Intuitively, I found my way here and it is home enough to keep me here. It's hard to believe that my compliment hasn't also. In my experience, despite the simplifications and "BDSM checklists", in the real world people... women included... subs and slaves included... choose partners for highly complex reasons. What I can absolutely tell you is that poise won't do online parcheesi with me. Make of that what you will. thanks, it's good to know there's others who've been through it and survived

JeffBC -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 9:18:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic thanks, it's good to know there's others who've been through it and survived chuckles huh??? wha??? Dude... I haven't been through anything... I'm still muddling along pretty much same as always. I have a LONG way to go before I'm "through" LOL. Sure, I've learned some things here and there. Carol is slowly corrupting me. When I fail to be appropriately caveman-ish she's been known to grab her hair, wrap it around my hand, then club herself senseless so I can drag her back to the cave. Super-dom I am not. Any woman who was looking for someone out of a vampire book is probably not going to find me suitable. But perhaps that's an answer to your question right there. If you find the right woman, she won't be measuring you to see if you fit the dom shoes of her dreams. Instead, she'll be helping you to achieve your dreams... whatever they are. Do I think that some of the women I've met here are of a mindset to do that? You know... take on a fixer-upper-dom if it were the right dom? Yes, I do. Actually, in my experience, I've known women to do some pretty fucking amazing things for the man they love. Carol spent 15 years working on my sexual issues... and ended up having to give herself to me TPE style in order to get any traction on them. You gotta figure that giving yourself away as human property (something she never had any desire to do) is pretty radical. I can't imagine why the women here are any less willing to stand and deliver for the right man. Carol adds: She was from the vanilla world. Now she's a TPE slave... not because she wants to be but because it's what I want. She thinks you should find someone you like wherever you do then treat them well enough that "sure I'll do anything" seems like a sensible statement.

DesFIP -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 9:45:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I don’t really care if she's experienced or not, but I probably wouldn’t be a good match for someone who wants kink/bdsm in all or most realms of their lives. I think you're confused as to what it means to those of us who are always who we are. I'm his, even when I'm hassling my kid to clean up his room. I'm also his when I'm visiting my elderly father. And when I'm making dinner. Most of us look just like ordinary people. Damn few of us wear only chains 24/7. Nor do we play all the time. Him being dominant just means that if he decides he wants to grill a steak instead of me making chicken pot pie, then that's what we're having for dinner. It means if he says never serve him brussel sprouts again, that's a vegetable he's never going to eat. If he says we have to go to the hardware store before we go to the grocery store, that's what we're doing. But nobody seeing us looking for mouse poison is going to automatically assume we're kinky. Nor is anybody watching us discussing chicken or pork chops going to assume that. 24/7 means he can make any decision he wants to, and if he wants me to decide where to go to dinner, he can do that too.

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/7/2012 10:55:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic thanks, it's good to know there's others who've been through it and survived chuckles huh??? wha??? Dude... I haven't been through anything... I'm still muddling along pretty much same as always. I have a LONG way to go before I'm "through" LOL. Sure, I've learned some things here and there. Carol is slowly corrupting me. When I fail to be appropriately caveman-ish she's been known to grab her hair, wrap it around my hand, then club herself senseless so I can drag her back to the cave. Super-dom I am not. Any woman who was looking for someone out of a vampire book is probably not going to find me suitable. But perhaps that's an answer to your question right there. If you find the right woman, she won't be measuring you to see if you fit the dom shoes of her dreams. Instead, she'll be helping you to achieve your dreams... whatever they are. Do I think that some of the women I've met here are of a mindset to do that? You know... take on a fixer-upper-dom if it were the right dom? Yes, I do. Actually, in my experience, I've known women to do some pretty fucking amazing things for the man they love. Carol spent 15 years working on my sexual issues... and ended up having to give herself to me TPE style in order to get any traction on them. You gotta figure that giving yourself away as human property (something she never had any desire to do) is pretty radical. I can't imagine why the women here are any less willing to stand and deliver for the right man. Carol adds: She was from the vanilla world. Now she's a TPE slave... not because she wants to be but because it's what I want. She thinks you should find someone you like wherever you do then treat them well enough that "sure I'll do anything" seems like a sensible statement. quote: I can't imagine why the women here are any less willing to stand and deliv wow, that's very deep! I agree, not just women, but people will do all sorts of things for love. But it would worry me if she wasn't seeking it out already, and that's why I want to try to "do it right" (ha, like that exists), and get her on-board from the start. I'm tired of not being who I am sexually, cus I'm in vanilla land.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 9:38:49 AM)
FR~ Get your black belt in BDSM then we'll talk! Seriously though, there's no degree of experience or training or some other intangible form of measure that makes people compatible or not, it's about the chemistry between you, and what you specifically wanting, matching up with someone who wants the same. Make a list of what you want, talk about it with people, then refine the list every time you think of something else or decide to change your mind. it's a long process, and is only half the job. When you do find the right sub sandwich for you, you'll throw half your list out the window and know she's exactly what you want. Treat it just like any vanilla relationship, except when it comes to the sexy parts, get use to talking to her first about the kink stuff you're looking for, it's a pretty simple process if you're good at the intuitive process. Just be you, best foot forward and all that.

TNDommeK -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 11:25:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I don’t really care if she's experienced or not, but I probably wouldn’t be a good match for someone who wants kink/bdsm in all or most realms of their lives. I think you're confused as to what it means to those of us who are always who we are. I'm his, even when I'm hassling my kid to clean up his room. I'm also his when I'm visiting my elderly father. And when I'm making dinner. Most of us look just like ordinary people. Damn few of us wear only chains 24/7. Nor do we play all the time. Him being dominant just means that if he decides he wants to grill a steak instead of me making chicken pot pie, then that's what we're having for dinner. It means if he says never serve him brussel sprouts again, that's a vegetable he's never going to eat. If he says we have to go to the hardware store before we go to the grocery store, that's what we're doing. But nobody seeing us looking for mouse poison is going to automatically assume we're kinky. Nor is anybody watching us discussing chicken or pork chops going to assume that. 24/7 means he can make any decision he wants to, and if he wants me to decide where to go to dinner, he can do that too. This was wonderful.

JeffBC -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 11:44:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic wow, that's very deep! I 'r smart like that :) Hopefully it helps to even things out for some of my stupid posts. The thing that I DID work though was feeling like I don't quite belong here. Here's a little tip. If you found your way here you probably belong here. If you return, you are self-selecting to belong here. Something in the interaction between you and this site is bringing you here. Sure, you may have vanilla eyes right now. I still do in a lot of ways. But SOMETHING is bringing you here. Some of the subs are going to be seeing that thing, whatever it is, and grooving on it. One more important point. By"here" I mean "BDSM-land" in general. I don't really think online is a great place for finding a partner. I would say that pretty much EVERYTHING here sounds very, very different than anything I've encountered personally in real life. I actually think of this place as "online BDSM" and I try to keep it carefully separate from "real life BDSM" in my head.

OsideGirl -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 2:39:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic My question is this: is it realistic for someone like me to be with a woman who is already in "the life", meaning, they already knowingly and consciously realized who they are sexually (which includes kink/bdsm), and have enjoyed that already? Absolutely. Some will balk about the lack of experience, others will be looking at who you are rather that what you are. After all, that's what is important.

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 5:55:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic I don’t really care if she's experienced or not, but I probably wouldn’t be a good match for someone who wants kink/bdsm in all or most realms of their lives. I think you're confused as to what it means to those of us who are always who we are. I'm his, even when I'm hassling my kid to clean up his room. I'm also his when I'm visiting my elderly father. And when I'm making dinner. Most of us look just like ordinary people. Damn few of us wear only chains 24/7. Nor do we play all the time. Him being dominant just means that if he decides he wants to grill a steak instead of me making chicken pot pie, then that's what we're having for dinner. It means if he says never serve him brussel sprouts again, that's a vegetable he's never going to eat. If he says we have to go to the hardware store before we go to the grocery store, that's what we're doing. But nobody seeing us looking for mouse poison is going to automatically assume we're kinky. Nor is anybody watching us discussing chicken or pork chops going to assume that. 24/7 means he can make any decision he wants to, and if he wants me to decide where to go to dinner, he can do that too. Thanks, I like the way you describe it. That sounds very appealing to me! I meant someone who is more open with their lifestyle, attends social events, and such.

Karmastic -> RE: How do I not waste your time? (4/8/2012 5:56:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds FR~ Get your black belt in BDSM then we'll talk! Seriously though, there's no degree of experience or training or some other intangible form of measure that makes people compatible or not, it's about the chemistry between you, and what you specifically wanting, matching up with someone who wants the same. Make a list of what you want, talk about it with people, then refine the list every time you think of something else or decide to change your mind. it's a long process, and is only half the job. When you do find the right sub sandwich for you, you'll throw half your list out the window and know she's exactly what you want. Treat it just like any vanilla relationship, except when it comes to the sexy parts, get use to talking to her first about the kink stuff you're looking for, it's a pretty simple process if you're good at the intuitive process. Just be you, best foot forward and all that. lol sub sandwich! thanks, great advice!

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