RE: Dom Dropped

RE: Dom Dropped (Full Version)

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Sinergy -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 6:54:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa Thank you Calandra and everyone for your nice words. I guess my question at this time is, what do you feel is the submissives responsibility at this point? Hello A/all, I dont think it is a submissive or Dominant responsibility. It is a human responsibility. Some people will do it. Some people will not do it. Whoever ended the relationship, the relationship ended. There is a grieving process you both must go through now that it is over. Perhaps he is not strong enough to contact you to find out how you are doing. I dont say that to cast stones. You have friends you can rely on, take advantage of them. Do not despair, you will get through this. Sinergy

irishbynature -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 6:57:36 PM)
Exactly what I said Sinergy...however, you said much better!!! Irish

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 7:34:31 PM)
KofMist, Wow, what can I say? You have hit the nail right on the head. I DO feel rejected, in every sense of the word. In the morning he was saying he loved me and that night he was saying he couldnt see me anymore. I am devestated. But I do agree with you about calling it what it is. Rejection. No, as I said, I didnt/dont expect him to call me, but it really did get me to wondering where exactly any type of responsibility lies between the D and s. Maybe it is just me, but I truely do try to see if my released sub needs anything during the transition period. I loved your post and your words, very kind, thank you. Fawne, Thank you for your kind words as well. They could be true. Irishbynature, Yes, I think that right now, it may be just time for me to take care of myself and try and get my self esteem back up. My self confidence is extremely low right now. Celeste, Tequila? Been there, drank that <s> Didnt help much. But thank you for the advice, I will try the b & w movie <s> quote: Sometimes breakups are sudden, other times you can see them coming... all I can say is, it dosen't help to have any expectations of him because if you do you will probably only be disappointed.... If you truly want whats best for him, hope that he's happy in the situation he is now in, and leave it at that... If he does check in on you, be pleasantly surprised... Calandra, I do wish him all the happiness in the world. I hope that I have given him enough life lessons for him to be able to make good decisions regarding people he associates with. I hope that he leaves me with a better understanding of himself and what he is looking for.

theRose4U -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 7:58:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa L.A., No, he hasnt called. I have called him, but I could tell it hurt him more by my calling, so I havent called since. I guess I'm an odd one. When my boy asked release he got it and we both never looked back. I had set up a network to watch over the dog I placed with him and I guess vicariously make sure all is well. Though no direct contact since that day. I guess I had an odd view on the whole thing, I worked hard training him (some things worked and others didn't). It was his choice to leave and he left as a better person than I found him. It wasn't happy or easy but a reality of wiitwd. I think the time in introspection and dissecting what went well and what didn't has taught me things that I need to make my current relationships better.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 8:25:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa L.A., No, he hasnt called. I have called him, but I could tell it hurt him more by my calling, so I havent called since. I guess I'm an odd one. When my boy asked release he got it and we both never looked back. I had set up a network to watch over the dog I placed with him and I guess vicariously make sure all is well. Though no direct contact since that day. I guess I had an odd view on the whole thing, I worked hard training him (some things worked and others didn't). It was his choice to leave and he left as a better person than I found him. It wasn't happy or easy but a reality of wiitwd. I think the time in introspection and dissecting what went well and what didn't has taught me things that I need to make my current relationships better. Hi theRose4U, I have no such network to make sure he is doing ok. It was not by choice that he asked for release. I dont want to go into the details, but it was not something that either one of us truely wanted to do. There were other factors involved.

enigmabrat -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 8:36:38 PM)
::hugs:: I dont know were people get the idea that Domanents have stronger hearts just because they are the Dom/me. They are human too and have heart breaks. im sorry you are hurting but honsetly time is the only thing that mends a broken heart. find solis in your friends and talk about it people here are more then willing to lend a shoulder to cry on

artglfr -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 9:29:58 PM)
I am sorry to hear this. It seemed the two of You were doing well. You deserve to feel good and have to realize often We as humans make mistakes that HURT ourselves and others. You seem to have a great attitude and good friends for support. As for him, it may hurt him to talk with You but it is healing for You to be caring and concerned. Hang in there and good things will come to You.

timeoutgurlie -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/4/2006 9:34:38 PM)
I've had only one breakup and it was devastating, so I think the number of experiences I've had won't matter here. I'd tried to just let it go, as I felt it was time to end it, and he agreed when I brought it up, we stretched the 'breakup' out over a span of a few months, continuously saying we knew this is what we had to do but we'd spend 'just one more week together'...finally, I knew I was in a downward spiral and had to deal with the situation or we'd continue to play this stupid game for God only knows how long. I suffered the most severe depression of my life after cutting those ties, I know if it hadn't been for my parents and my closest friends rallying around me I wouldn't have made it through that time when everything felt like it no longer had meaning. What got me through after the initial mourning period of a few weeks had seemed to lift some, was getting closure. I met with him to talk about everything, what I'd done wrong, what he'd done wrong, what was purely circumstancial, and that is what truly gave me peace. Maybe for you and your pup, this is what you need. If you have lingering feels of confusion or hopes that this is not really the end, it will completely repel the natural healing process because you won't allow yourself to grieve and move on. It may not be the case for you, but just suggesting it incase it rings true. Best wishes, you will get past this and be better for it [:)]

ExistentialSteel -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/5/2006 3:47:10 AM)
Breaking up with someone is not a one time good bye. It is a continuing evolution of emotions. The process of returning to a normal emotional state may take a long time. There is no way to speed it up. All you can do is realize you are having a normal reaction to a very real event and gain comfort from that fact even if it is only an admission that you are in pain. Here are the steps in any grieving process….bargaining, denial, anger, grief and acceptance. I think you display that you are somewhere in the process now and not ready for the acceptance. I can totally understand that and, as I said, the whole process may take a while. You may have perfunctorily said good-bye while not being at the acceptance stage. Another aspect is that partners do not go through the stages before acceptance in the same sequences and at the same time. If he left, he had obviously been thinking of leaving for awhile and had already gone through the stages. He does not want to go back to the bargaining and denial stages and experience all the pain again.

Thomas207 -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 6:24:46 AM)
I am sorry for the hurtful confusion that you are going through. I have been where you are and asked myself the exact same question you are asking here. I have released and been asked for release. And how I handled the former seemed (excuse the phrase) so much easier to me. I knew what I needed to do. Knew how I should handle their transition and mine back into a single life. But when it was the latter, I was hit the same way you have been. I am sorry for how this might sound, but I truly believe submissive’ sometimes don’t think we make the same emotional commitment as they do. All I can say is lean on friends treat yourself right. and wake up tomorrow knowing that if you care this much for others someone is going to care this much about you (And if that doesn’t work find yourself a nice pain slut for the weekend…. Kidding) ~T~

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 7:16:44 AM)
quote: (And if that doesn’t work find yourself a nice pain slut for the weekend…. Kidding) Thank you Thomas, Been there, beat that :-/

CreativeDominant -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 7:34:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa Thank you Calandra and everyone for your nice words. I guess my question at this time is, what do you feel is the submissives responsibility at this point? I dont expect him to call to see if I am ok, but wouldnt you do this for someone you claimed to have cared about for 7 months? Why does it have to fall upon the Dominant one to be the forever, be all, end all, strong one? We didnt part in anger, in fact just the opposite. I know there are no set rules regarding this, but I would call him to see if he is doing ok, if I could or was allowed to. It should not have to fall on the dominant one to always be strong. The strongest steel has been tempered...carefully heated, bent, twisted, heated again, shaped to conform and then cooled. Carefully is the key here. You know...I have seen and heard all kinds of reasons offered up to others in your situation as to why the submissive doesn't call when they are the one who walked away. I've heard a few myself when a submissive ended it suddenly with me a few years ago. All I've ever heard were lines relating to the reasoning for the break up or why the break up itself precluded calling. Frankly, I don't care what the reason is for the break-up. Legitimate reasoning or not for a break-up doesn't come into play here because the break-up has happened and cannot/might not/will not be changed. What we are dealing with is the *responsibility* of a submissive party when they have ended the relationship and my answer is the same as what it would be for myself: My answer is "Sorry, there is no excuse that justifies the action of, whether you intend it to appear that way or you sincerely feel that way, non-caring about this person whose heart you held for whatever length of time." Submissives do not get to duck responsibility because they are submissive; they are human too and if they cannot look at a dominant and realize they are also human with a heart that, while it is breaking, needs some care from the one who broke it. I wish you luck and send you hugs of encouragement. [:D]

Submotive -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 8:01:52 AM)
my heart goes out to you. i wish there were some magical words or actions to remove the pain, but there aren't. Just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. Be as gentle and kind with yourself as you can. Watch funny movies - sometimes that helps. Hugs.

andal -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 8:02:53 AM)
Sorry to hear of your loss. One thing to consider, different people deal with things differently. He may be one of those people that needs a clean break for a time so that he can go through his grieving/loss process. I'm not sure of any details (and know that there are many many levels of complexity to a relationship that has lasted any significant length of time) and your mentioning that there are external factors to the relationship that made it a hard choice all around. To put it in BDSM terms, this may be a limit of his. If he had issues from his past surrounding fireplay for instance (something near and dear to my heart, I suffered severe burns over 20% of my body as a very young child) you would respect that limit, even if it was something that you had a passion for? Just as any hard limits for one of you in a D/s relationship become hard limits for both, this apparently is an issue for him. Look at it in that light. Or, it may not be, and he is either a. punishing himself by denying contact b. punishing you by denying contact or c. a combination of the two. In which case, those are HIS choices, and unfortunately you have to live with the consequences. However, it doesn't change the result, which is you aren't getting something you need. But the flip side of that is, what does HE need? I know for myself, that when a relationship ends, I NEED a period of time with no contact so that I can acknowledge that the old relationship ended, grieve it, and then move on to a new one. Or, at the very least, to allow the immediate intense emotions that come up to settle down so that I can address things on a more rational level. (When I react from my emotions, I tend to say and do things that I regret, and it is a defense mechanism against doing things that completely destroy a relationship, instead of ending one part of it.) Perhaps he will contact you again in the future and let you know how he is doing. Or not. I don't really have any way of helping, other than offering you support and perhaps insight into what may be going on in his head (as filtered through my own personal experiences and what I would be going through in a similar situation.) As for whether he has a responsibility to inform you of his feelings and "check in," in my opinion it is a courtesy, and people who feel that way I have the utmost respect of. (These days, "common courtesy" is anything but, and as such I like to acknowledge and encourage those people who practice it.) But I do not consider it a required responsibility of a Dom or a sub at the close of a relationship to check in and make sure everything is, ok. On the other hand, I do not know the type of relationship you had, so take all this with a (horse-sized) grain of salt. In conclusion, I empathize with your pain and loss. Losing a relationship is painful to all involved, and it is obvious that you have genuine feelings and compassion (which are quite noble qualities in a person.) I have every confidence that you will find some peace and resolution, though not necessarily from the sources you prefer. But here is some wisdom that a good friend told me when I was in pain. "This IS the worst moment of your life. It sucks." Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Don't try to rush it, live in the moment. One final thought: Everything has an end. Except a sausage. Which has two. - Danish proverb

MistressOfGa -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 9:08:24 AM)
Thank you, CreativeDominant, Submotive and Andal for your kind words. Just simple words on a computer screen has made a difference in my outlook at this time. I think I will go ride my bike now :)

FelinePersuasion -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 12:17:59 PM)
Good Friends. friends were there before and they w/ill be there after to help pick up the pieces. quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa but I want to know who takes care of the Dom when the sub has asked to be released?

FelinePersuasion -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 12:27:56 PM)
yes, sometimes it hurts worse to call. When my dom and I were going through one of our first throws of death he stayed inc ontact for weeks making sure I was ok making sure I was going to make it, and talkin to him every day, him asking how I was doing me saying I am dead on the inside, him saying yeah me too, tore me apart. I wished that we would not drag it out like that continueing to poke the wound. We eventually worked it out got back together, but the checking in with each other and in essenece poking the wound each time he called hurt to much. quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa quote: Ideally you both take care of eachother. Are they not also asking you how you are feeling and you need something specific? L.A., No, he hasnt called. I have called him, but I could tell it hurt him more by my calling, so I havent called since.

doll -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 1:26:45 PM)
giggles Not to mention a nice piece of pecan pie.

MsIncognito -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 1:48:22 PM)
I am sorry to hear you are both going through this. I can't speak for pup but I do know that for me keeping in contact initially after a breakup makes letting go significantly harder. I need a clean break to get my head together, sort through my emotions and regain some strength. Having someone check in on me (or feeling like I need to check in on them) just makes the process go that much slower for me plus there is always a risk of getting drawn back in (that's my biggest fear after a breakup) and then things getting messier due to tangled emotions (BTDT and it turned into 8 months of turmoil for both of us). I don't know either of you except on the boards here but he did always speak of you kindly and with admiration. I'm sure he still feels that way about you but if he is anything like me he may need to cocoon for a while in order to put himself back together. I know that would be cold comfort for you, though, and I hope you can lean on friends for support at this time. Edited to add that I don't think it's a matter of responsibility. It's a matter of human beings not being perfect. Everyone deals with emotions differently and I wouldn't fault a top or bottom for not keepig in touch initially. In most cases I have gone on to be friends or friendly with ex's but only after time and space have allowed me some perspective. I've also had to ask ex's to NOT keep contacting me to see how I'm doing and sometimes they were offended by that request rather than realizing it was the kindest thing they could do for me. quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa Thank you Calandra and everyone for your nice words. I guess my question at this time is, what do you feel is the submissives responsibility at this point? I dont expect him to call to see if I am ok, but wouldnt you do this for someone you claimed to have cared about for 7 months? Why does it have to fall upon the Dominant one to be the forever, be all, end all, strong one? We didnt part in anger, in fact just the opposite. I know there are no set rules regarding this, but I would call him to see if he is doing ok, if I could or was allowed to.

Arpig -> RE: Dom Dropped (6/7/2006 3:30:23 PM)
quote: Where is the after-care for the Dom? I am afraid there isn't any....we are supposed to have mastered our emotions, etc., so i am afraid you have to get through it as best you can. I am sorry you are in this position, and I do sincerely hope you get things back together quickly...I need my opponents to argue with [;)] Hang in there, babe, it will get better eventually.

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