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Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 9:02:48 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		OK, we got a necro thread back from the grave -- Any subs feel they can adhere... -- but it did get me thinking. I read that list of 9 items and my first thought was that most of those seemed pretty tame. The one about being exposed anywhere, anytime is a deal breaker for almost everyone... yada yada... But then I stepped back a moment and actually looked at the question.

The obvious thought that popped into my head was, "for whom?" I mean... doesn't the d-type matter at all in these sorts of questions? God knows Carol's responses to me are not exactly similar to her responses to previous lovers.

So I'm kind of curious. If you are an s-type of some sort and you are currently unowned, do you answer questions like that? If so, how?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 9:58:55 PM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		My answer to that list would be a definitive no.  And not because anything on the list is beyond what I know I am capable of.  But rather I could never see myself capable of being with someone who would write that list.


My limits and my desires are very much dependent on the relationship I am in and the person I am with.

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 10:04:45 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		That is a damn strange set of rules. The only one that I frown at is the "will fight for attention" one.

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 10:33:27 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss
My answer to that list would be a definitive no.  And not because anything on the list is beyond what I know I am capable of.  But rather I could never see myself capable of being with someone who would write that list.

That's an interesting angle on it. I know, of course, that my story isn't the norm, but I do have to chuckle a little bit because I'm pretty sure that Carol never envisioned anything like our current marriage and I'm damned sure I never did. Still, I get your point. I am, though, kind of curious what sort of man you think wrote that list? What are you seeing between the lines?

quote:

My limits and my desires are very much dependent on the relationship I am in and the person I am with.

*nods* This was, of course, what I was thinking also. And, I have to admit, with me now at the 17 year mark in the relationship I'm also sensitive to the fact that things can change... sometimes radically. Carol would have said something like, "Oh hell fucking no!" at that list when we married.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 10:38:29 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
That is a damn strange set of rules. The only one that I frown at is the "will fight for attention" one.

I have to admit, that one seemed rather strange to me also. To me, at least, it was like the writer might as well have said, "I'm insecure".

I am rather surprised though that the "strip in public" one (rule #4) isn't gathering any attention. When we had that thread on collarme a while back it was roundly denounced as all kinds of evil and lunacy.

Still, I wasn't so much interested in that specific list as how one might determine one's boundaries and limits in a vacuum. Carol is looking at a specific human being when she sizes up a list like that. She gets to consider something like rule 4 in the light of me as her specific owner. To just look at something like that in generic... along with most of the rest... would seem to be an automatic "no". What am I missing here?


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 10:44:57 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It depends.

I'm a submissive personality. There are certain things that I just do...no matter who asks.
There are other things I do dependent on my relationship with them.

Now that I'm owned, it depends on what he wants me to do


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Nothing has changed
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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 10:59:32 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Thanks littlewonder. That answer makes sense to me... as does artemiss's above.

This whole question, I suspect, stems from my total ignorance with how courtship is done in the BDSM world. I think I'm probably asking a "kinky dating 101" question LOL.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 11:23:46 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For me courtship is the same whether bdsm or not.
When I met Master we went out to dinner, he wined and dined me, seduced me, made me laugh while I enjoyed every second of his company and then he paid and was a complete gentleman the entire time just like an old fashioned date just like I would expect of any man I was ever interested in dating.
I don't see why bdsm makes that any different. I don't get the whole "bdsm is different" thing though so who knows. Like I said, I don't really feel compatible with most bdsmers though so maybe for me this is just another case of that.


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Nothing has changed
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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 11:26:57 PM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		Because to me, it sounds like it was written by a socially and emotionally stunted imbecile.  Someone who has no idea what is necessary to maintain a healthy, mature relationship, but rather thinks that finding a submissive is finally going to allow him to get laid.

It is a fantasy list, and not even an imaginative one.  There is nothing in there that enchances communication, trust or intimacy.  Nor does any aspect of it foster sexual, spiritual, domestic or intellectual growth.



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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/8/2012 11:34:14 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		Could I? Yes, to that particular set of questions. Would I? No, it's not the kind of relationship I'm interested in having, the biggest reason being the non-exclusive, possibly poly aspect to it.

Exposure where legal is fine for me. I'm really not ashamed. I don't look great naked, but if the choice is between making my man happy and making the public happy, it's clear my man wins each and every time.

But it is an interest topic between could and would in submission. For example, I was once with a man who slept, maximum, four hours a night, and wanted me to keep his schedule. I was absolutely willing, but simply not capable, and after a week I was a stumbling, sullen, zombie-like mess that he saw this just wasn't doable for me, and I got my normal sleeping hours granted to me.

Yes, I get "Would you do [hypothetical]?" from dominants all the time, and don't find it offensive. It's just a way of exploring. Some are clearly wank-fodder ( as I feel the thread topic was ), some are practical and honest ( I remember a man who sailed professionally asking about sea-sickness, for example ). I answer as clearly and honestly as I can, and often shoot my own hypothetical situations back.

Of course, the true import of that thread has been lost. Now that the OP has declined the dominant in question, we may never, NEVER know what the Bum-Tit-Tit song contained. I feel this is a great loss for Collarme as a whole.



< Message edited by WestBaySlave -- 4/8/2012 11:35:50 PM >

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 12:06:45 AM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
That is a damn strange set of rules. The only one that I frown at is the "will fight for attention" one.

I have to admit, that one seemed rather strange to me also. To me, at least, it was like the writer might as well have said, "I'm insecure".

I am rather surprised though that the "strip in public" one (rule #4) isn't gathering any attention. When we had that thread on collarme a while back it was roundly denounced as all kinds of evil and lunacy.

Still, I wasn't so much interested in that specific list as how one might determine one's boundaries and limits in a vacuum. Carol is looking at a specific human being when she sizes up a list like that. She gets to consider something like rule 4 in the light of me as her specific owner. To just look at something like that in generic... along with most of the rest... would seem to be an automatic "no". What am I missing here?




I think what you are missing is the whole idea of "hard" limits vs. "soft" limits.  If an activity goes against my moral or ethical code, the answer is always going to be hell no, regardless.

Then there is a slew of other activities, that for various reasons I may not want to do.  Whether or not I end up submitting to those activities is going to depend on my trust in him and how much I am able to put his desires before my own.

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 2:32:56 AM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		I always thought that list seemed a bit extreme, but in an odd way. Like it just seemed to an ego trip for Dom involved, just waiting for an unsuspecting sub to agree.

For me I found when I wasn't actually in the relationship I had a lot more limits. But then again, BDSM and D/s was pretty new in that I hadn't thought about it in 8 years. My limits have now decreased to only a couple things because I trust my Sir and enjoy doing things for Him, even if it takes me out of my comfort zone. That use of power & control is a huge part of the attraction to a D/s relationship. Open communication though is vital so both know each other's feelings on certain things.

_____________________________

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 2:42:23 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I am rather surprised though that the "strip in public" one (rule #4) isn't gathering any attention. When we had that thread on collarme a while back it was roundly denounced as all kinds of evil and lunacy.


The actual rule was "whenever Master feels like it", which only makes it possibly a public display issue if Master ends up asking for it in public.

The list only really said that Master's in charge sexually, and that he, like any other man, wants the option of showing off his woman, that he wants her to be sexually available whenever he wants, that he likes anal and to take pictures of her, and that he wants to throw swap parties/orgies, at which he expects her to behave a certain way. And that for shits and giggles, he has a twisted sense of humour. And that the whole Master/slut thing is lodged in the bedroom-only part of his brain, not something he is applying to an actual relationship.

I say this as a woman, not a Domme, none of it was unreasonable. None of it was remarkable, even. A lot of guys want women who swallow and who're cool with swap parties or orgies. A lot of guys want their women to stop bitching and imposing rules on when or where they can get some, or take a pic. Admit it, we are, as a gender, stupidly anal on that part, no pun intended. A lot of people, men and women, like to have their partners "fight" for their affections and attentions. Hell, we all like to be wanted, to be shown that our partners want our love and body enough to compete for it, not just because it's available to them.

Would I be able to accept those rules? No, but that's because I very strongly prefer to be the one wearing the metaphorical pants and calling the shots. Would I be able to accept those rules if I were submissive and seeking that bedroom-orientated relation? Yes, though only with a Master whom I trust not to endanger us by demanding silly public displays liable to get us in real trouble, or endanger my health or sanity. Which is a moot point because if you don't trust the guy that much, why in the world would you accept him as your Master?

ETA:
A bit of a rant, but aren't we just a tad too serious about how a set of M/s rules should look? Rules are rules. They don't need to be creative. They don't need to be elaborate or trust/value building, they don't even need to be sensible, really, although we generally would like them to be, yes. Rules are things that are set out to be non-negotiable once in effect. You will do the dishes, or else. Rules, in a D/s situation (unlike sensible pre-negotiated conflict resolution guidelines), are a toy, like the whip. Some of it is instructional, some of it is just there to mess with you. It is a fun toy. Don't take the fun out of it.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 4/9/2012 2:54:58 AM >

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 2:48:41 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

do you answer questions like that? If so, how?



If I feel like answering them, I do. My immediate response was.... "We don't know you from borscht, you haven't integrated proper punctuation and grammar, you are posturing and challenging us with a double dog dare you. Well, that's nice, dear. Turn your phone off during class." Then I thought about the questions, and my answer is mostly "meh" ... would *I*? In the privacy of my own relationship it would remain private. The one or two that gave me pause, though, were vying for attention, sharing, photos, public. Hmmm... I seem to not like half of them. None of those are double dog dare you material in my mind. They are complex, legal, trust issues. I couldn't trust that particular person. In my own private relationship? With someone who I *know* is protective of me? I'd give the suggestions the consideration they deserved... just like with the person I don't know.

best,
sunshine

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 6:03:54 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

Entirely depends on who's asking the questions, and I suppose, really, I won't know the answers until that someone special asks.

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 6:39:51 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Holy shit, Alecta. Have I been blind since 2010, or did you recently figure a lot of things out? I never noticed your posts before, but, the last few days, what you've been writing is scarygood.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 7:14:23 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not poly. Even if I were, I don't compete. If he wanted someone else he wouldn't find me trying to change his mind. If he didn't want me, then he shouldn't have pursued me and lied about wanting me. The fact that I have to compete would mean I had already lost and I would have given up on the relationship.

The anal any time ignores the fact that for some women it's painful. It ignores the fact that people do suffer from constipation and/or diarrhea. It ignores IBS, IBD and so on. It's not realistic. Hell sex at the drop of a hat is not realistic, people get sick, people have bad days.

The problem with that list is that it's about activities, not a relationship. If he can just substitute any warm body to do those activities with any other, then there's no room in there for another person.

I'm in this for the relationship, not for a list of activities.


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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 8:38:52 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

The obvious thought that popped into my head was, "for whom?" I mean... doesn't the d-type
matter at all in these sorts of questions? So I'm kind of curious. If you are an s-type of some
sort and you are currently unowned, do you answer questions like that? If so, how?


The d-type factors in greatly in how we respond to the rules they set forth in an existing
relationship, but the set of questions you are referencing seem to be written as a prerequisite
to establishing a D/s relatonship. My answer to 2 thru 9 would be a resounding "perhaps", or
better yet, a "yes, but only if you can inspire that great amount of trust in me."

Unfortunately, it's Rule number one that would stop me in my tracks.
If I were currently unowned and someone found interest in me and presented me with this list,
it would not encourage me to want to get to know him further.

Rule #1 - my slut will have a full bush on her.
I am so much more than just my pussy, and yet, his first priority in his idea of a fulfilling
relationship is dependant on whether or not mine is bushy? What if it isn't capable of being bushy?
Lot's of women are naturally pretty sparse down there, and he would be missing out on all the other
wonderful qualities I can bring to the table, if it weren't for my inadequate pussy?
It seems that any slut of his would be competing against her pussy for his attention, not other subs.

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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 8:49:29 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss
  If an activity goes against my moral or ethical code, the answer is always going to be hell no, regardless.


This is the way I feel. I'll also add if it's something that I believe will do me harm, such as competing for attention. Those items aren't going to change regardless of who I'm with.


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RE: Would you do xxxxx? - 4/9/2012 11:32:43 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Holy shit, Alecta. Have I been blind since 2010, or did you recently figure a lot of things out? I never noticed your posts before, but, the last few days, what you've been writing is scarygood.


Don't be snarky, RedMage, it's unbecoming :)

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