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NuevaVida -> RE: When even the D type doesn't know (4/16/2012 6:30:07 AM)
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I've been offline for a few, so I haven't seen clip's post. But I'll respond based on the OP here.
First, my very best to you both, sincerely.
I can tell you, from being the recipient of how *not* to release somebody, Des is correct. I agree with everything she wrote. As an internally enslaved slave, I can tell you what would have been easier (um, less excruciating may be a better way of putting it) would have been if the following had happened:
* A clear and compassionate understanding of why - the full and complete truth (not that everyone always knows this)
* To be allowed as much dialogue as possible, yet for a certain period of time only. There does need to be a cut-off point.
* No more directives. Yes, the heart might remain enslaved for awhile, but continued directives - even done with the best of intention - add confusion and grief, and prolong the healing that is very necessary right now.
* After that cut-off point mentioned above, no contact for awhile. Checking in to see how he's doing, even without offering directives, keeps the slave tied and bound, emotionally, to the *former* owner. It is awesome you still feel a sense of responsibility for him. And totally understandable. But, speaking for myself, anyway, the only way I was able to really step forward on my own and get control back over my life, was to do so on my own, and with the support of others (others not including him). When a friend first suggested I go 3 months without contact and then assess how I felt, I literally panicked and thought there was no way I could do that. Unfortunately, several months later when my heart was still screaming inside, I realized I needed to do that, and that I had to be the strong one to make - and stick to - that decision. I've seen too many released slaves unable to let go and find peace because they were still connected to their ex's. There really is something to be said for ripping off the bandage, as opposed to a slow peel.
* As Des said, at this point it's up to him to move forward, with whatever support system he has. Yes, IE can be a bitch when the relationship ends. It's the price we pay for enjoying it while we're in it. I know for me, I have doubts I'll allow that for myself again, even in my current relationship.
* To the one being released - a year without another relationship was extremely helpful to me. A clear mind and the self awareness that comes from stepping my way forward on my own was more valuable than I can express.
As for "whining" - I fail to see how a topic like this is whining. I think it's good for anyone in or considering an M/s relationship, to understand what happens when the relationship ends, and discussing healthy and constructive ways of doing so is a good thing. If only my ex had considered this, I might not have felt like my entire world had been abruptly pulled out from under my feet.
My very best to you both.
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