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Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/12/2012 5:24:37 PM

mrssparkle

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So we've been married for 10 years now. In the last year I've gone through a lot of changes, done a lot of soul searching and realized I was living entirely in tomorow and life was passing me by . Thankfully I'm getting over that now.

One of the things I kept putting off was telling my husband that I very, very much have always wanted to try bdsm! When we first met we messed around a tiny little bit with some biting ect... but what I've always wanted to do is be dominated... Nothing turns me on more than the idea of giving him complete control over me. I want him to order me to do his every whim... I want him to call me names, pin me and force me to perform his every fantasy... I want him to humiliate me and.... well you get the idea!

I was so scared to tell him for years! What if he said no... what if he thought I was a freak? What if .But I finally did it about a week ago... and to my utter delight, he not only was open to it, he is excited about it!!

That just leaves one problem... he is extremely shy, and a total beginner! I've read a lot of erotica, watched a lot of videos, read a lot online but I've never really tried... all he knows is what he's seen in the mainstream media. We've been playing a little in the bedroom with it but his shyness and not really knowing what to do is kindof holding us back. I really want him to enjoy this as much as I do, and I've tried encouraging him to talk to me about his fantasies but again... the shyness.

Hoping someone out there may have overcome similar issues and can maybe offer us some advice? :)

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/13/2012 5:41:52 AM

ashjor911

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Welcome To Both of you

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/13/2012 6:57:52 PM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrssparkle
That just leaves one problem... he is extremely shy, and a total beginner! I've read a lot
of erotica, watched a lot of videos, read a lot online but I've never really tried... all he knows
is what he's seen in the mainstream media. We've been playing a little in the bedroom with it
but his shyness and not really knowing what to do is kind of holding us back. I really want him
to enjoy this as much as I do, and I've tried encouraging him to talk to me about his fantasies
but again... the shyness.

Hoping someone out there may have overcome similar issues and can maybe offer us some advice? :)

Welcome to the message boards, mrssparkle.
The good news is, you've already gotten past the hardest part, and that is telling him your desires.
I would suggest you both complete a BDSM checklist, which will help you both to see what areas of
physical kink interests you. You can find this online by googling BDSM checklist. Really, it's that easy!

I'd also suggest looking over this booklist, especially The Loving Dominant and The Topping Book.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm
Also. watch some BDSM movies together, and be vocal with him about what turns you on.
Usually this will encourage him to comment on what he liked about it as well.

Also, and most importantly, show appreciation for his efforts in trying these things with you, and
be very careful not to let any disappointment show. There is nothing more damaging to
a man than to make him feel sexually inadequate. Best of luck!

< Message edited by poise -- 4/13/2012 6:58:49 PM >

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/13/2012 9:03:20 PM

Delilya

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Best of luck to you,

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/13/2012 9:35:45 PM

MistressDarkArt

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Welcome to you both!

I second Poise's excellent advice. The boards have a lot of good information, and if/when you're ready you might wish to connect with your local community where you can learn a lot and meet some folks who can helpgive you a leg up. Good luck, enjoy the journey, and most of all...have fun!!

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/14/2012 2:26:20 AM

OohAahMrs

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Hey there you guys, this is so unusual, it reads like this is written by the husband, nice to hear it the other way around!

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/15/2012 5:54:39 PM

mrssparkle

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Joined: 4/12/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
Welcome to the message boards, mrssparkle.
The good news is, you've already gotten past the hardest part, and that is telling him your desires.
I would suggest you both complete a BDSM checklist, which will help you both to see what areas of
physical kink interests you. You can find this online by googling BDSM checklist. Really, it's that easy!

I'd also suggest looking over this booklist, especially The Loving Dominant and The Topping Book.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Also. watch some BDSM movies together, and be vocal with him about what turns you on.
Usually this will encourage him to comment on what he liked about it as well.

Also, and most importantly, show appreciation for his efforts in trying these things with you, and
be very careful not to let any disappointment show. There is nothing more damaging to
a man than to make him feel sexually inadequate. Best of luck!

Thank you so much! This seems like very good advice we'll definitely look into those books thank you!

quote:

ORIGINAL: OohAahMrs

Hey there you guys, this is so unusual, it reads like this is written by the husband, nice to hear it the other way around!

LOL!! :D Funny thing about that... I've always had erm, what friends have called a "male sex drive" lol. I hate the terminology used to describe women who enjoy sex... especially since many of those terms seem to imply that the woman being referred to uses sex for some kind of gain either for attention, stuff etc. I am NOT one of those women, but lets just say it has always been a relatively frequent preoccupation of mine hehehe. ;) He on the other hand is the son of a nazarene minister and tends to be somewhat erm, reserved? for lack of a better word. The roll reversal thing has affected us in other ways as well, not in any way intentional but it does seem to be somewhat of a theme with us lol. ;)

Anyway, we've been talking a bit but, its very difficult to get him to open up! When he does, its usually a quick sentence or two where he lands a bombshell on me what he'd like to try (*he wants to buy a whip!? WOOT!!) but then he clams back up and won't elaborate or talk to me anymore because he's blushing so furiously he can barely even look at me. :/ That is the thing I'm having trouble with. We need to talk about this if its really going to go anywhere, but he can't seem to get past his shyness!!!

Like the whip thing, thats AWESOME!!! But... I mean, what kind?! And does he know how to use one?! I have all these questions but as soon as he got it out that he wanted to try that he wouldn't talk anymore about it. :/ I think I'm gonna get him drunk and see if he'll talk to me then lol.

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/15/2012 7:50:13 PM

BurntKitty

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quote:

I hate the terminology used to describe women who enjoy sex...

In my case it's "horny old broad."

Welcome to CM & have fun!

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/16/2012 8:54:53 PM

mrssparkle

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BurntKitty

quote:

I hate the terminology used to describe women who enjoy sex...

In my case it's "horny old broad."

Welcome to CM & have fun!

LOL!! I like you!

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/16/2012 9:04:12 PM

TNDommeK

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Welcome and good luck!!

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/17/2012 8:54:27 AM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrssparkle
(*he wants to buy a whip!? WOOT!!) That is just too cute but then he clams back up and won't elaborate or talk to me anymore because he's blushing so furiously he can barely even look at me. :/ That is the thing I'm having trouble with. We need to talk about this if its really going to go anywhere, but he can't seem to get past his shyness!!!

Like the whip thing, thats AWESOME!!! But... I mean, what kind?! And does he know how to use one?! I have all these questions but as soon as he got it out that he wanted to try that he wouldn't talk anymore about it. :/ I think I'm gonna get him drunk and see if he'll talk to me then lol.

I'm not proposing NOT talking, but perhaps it's easier for him to act rather than talk, which could help him communicate.

How about playfully leaving a website up with whips and a post-it stuck to the monitor that asks him to "Pick one".

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/17/2012 9:14:50 AM

kalikshama

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My (now ex) husband and I discovered BDSM at our 10 year mark too :)

Our first flogger wouldn't have hurt a flea and we kept going back for progressively heavier ones. It wasn't a waste of money because we used the lighter ones on more sensitive areas. You might be able to get some sense by trying them out on your arm in a store.

Details Toys has good descriptions and a good reputation: http://www.detailstoys.com/floggers.html
(click on the Low, Medium, and High Intensity links)

My ex is more visual than a reader so I did all the book reading and said things like "This looks like it might be fun to try." "Screw the Roses; Send Me the Thorns" lent itself well to this as it had a lot of illustrations.

We found it very useful to join a group and go to munches and public and private play parties.

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RE: Married couple new to bdsm looking for advice... - 4/18/2012 5:20:20 AM

OohAahMrs

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My best advice is just do it, now what's the question?

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