My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (Full Version)

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slaveloser69 -> My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:32:18 AM)

Hi all, I have been asking you guys a lot in the past few months about my vanilla relationship im in, and i've gotten some really good feedback. Sorry to keep asking similiar things, just still not happy with the way things are going.

Long story short, i'm with my girlfriend now for about 4 1/2 months.. We have a great connection, care for eachother alot, sshe thinks im the one for her, the vanilla sex is good, etc etc.. Problem is, i've been trying to introduce her to the lifestyle, and trying to be submissive to her, but shes really just not into it.

At first I thought things were going well, we had a little agreement where she was allowed to go out to the bars with her friend who is a total flirt who gets with a lot of guys, and dresses very sexual.. and I wassn't allowed to go to the bars. Minor, i know, but a step in the right direction. Anyway, the other day she said im sick, and she was joking about that.. She told me then if I dont do what she says she will tell her friends i have a small dick, but then again, when we talked about it further I could see she wasn't sincere about that either.

I tried getting her to be my financial domme, and told her I would pay her 100$ every week, but again she wasn't into that either.. I posted asking if paying a findomme online was cheating and you guys said yes, so i tried to to this with her, but it backfired..

The closest i've gotten to bdsm or humiliation with her was when she was totally drunk, didnt really feel my dick inside of her, so i used a strap on.. but the next day i tried to do the samre thing when she was sober but she said it was too big and hurt her..

Anyway, sorry to rant guys. Bottom line is, shes really not into this- and I really like her a lot, but im always looking to scratch that itch.. Always thiking of serving, bdsm, humuliation, reading femdoms blogs, findommes blogs, etc etc..

I dont know what to do..



myotherself -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:49:13 AM)

Yeah, you do know what to do. You just don't want to do it.

Your choices are, broadly speaking, very simple.

1. Your girl becomes your Domme. Which doesn't seem likely from what you've said.

2. You stay with the girl for the vanilla stuff but see a Domme at the same time. At this point you need to decide whether your girl would be amenable to this. If so, fine. If not, then you need to decide whether you want to go to someone else behind her back.

3. Leave your girl and find someone who scratches your itch for you.


You're very young, you (hopefully) have a long, long future ahead of you. You need to start making grown-up decisions about what you really want in life, and be prepared to follow them through, whatever the result.



LadyPact -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:51:05 AM)

Here's what you do.  Knock it off!

For the love of mike, stop trying to change this woman to suit what you want for kink.  Believe it or not, some people aren't kinky, don't want to be kinky, and can end up resenting the person who is trying to make them kinky.  Your desire for kink doesn't override her desire to be vanilla.



Killerangel -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:52:49 AM)

Yeah, it's called incompatibility. If you really really need the humiliation aspect and it's not there, then the two of you aren't compatible. Look at it this way, if you were to stay with her for all the good things, would you always feel the lack of being sexually fulfilled or not? I can tell you from experience that you're not going to 'talk her into' something she doesn't want, and actually...that's not fair to her. She's going to resent you big time if she feels that you are always trying to get her to be someone that she's not. Vanilla people are totally entitled to like what they like. Look at it this way, if she were dark-skinned would you try to get her to lighten her skin color? Would you insist that she get blue contacts if her eyes are green? She is who she is.

It's good that you explored things with her and got more of an answer on what she's into, now you know. Can you live without the kink or not? Depending on what the answer is to that is what comes next. Either you stay with her and accept her vanilla nature and stop trying to change her, or you go and find that person that you are more compatible with. It's always a crapshoot, you have great things with her that you might not find with anyone else, or you might find a better person for you next week. You really have to figure out what you need.

There are men I've been with that I've been totally into that were not kinky at all and I was happy with them. Kink isn't a necessity for my life, a good relationship was more important to me. Did I miss kink in those relationships? Yes. I still enjoyed the heck out of being with them though and it was the right thing at the time. You need to see where this falls for you. Is it her that's more important to you or is it having kink? Neither answer is wrong, neither is better than the other. You're the one who needs to be happy so be honest and see where it takes you.

One more thing I'd try with her is to sit her down and just say hey....there is something I need to talk to you about, and then lay it on the table. At that point you have to be ready for her to walk if it's too much for her. Tell her what your desires are and what you need and that you want it with her. If you're thinking of moving on it couldn't hurt to actually discuss it with her instead of trying to secretly move things in the right direction. Try straight up talking about it to her. Tell her what kink is, what financial domination is, what small-dick humiliation is and tell her why you like it. That's what has been missing in your attempts so far... direct communication of BDSM and how it pertains to you.



DomMeinCT -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:53:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Bottom line is, shes really not into this- and I really like her a lot, but im always looking to scratch that itch.. Always thiking of serving, bdsm, humuliation, reading femdoms blogs, findommes blogs, etc etc..

I dont know what to do..



You've put in 4.5 months into this and tried to get her to be something she's not.

What do you think she'd respond if you showed her this post?

Yup, she'd be thinking the same thing: If you're always thinking (your words) of needing/wanting something she's not, then how compatible are you together?



slaveloser69 -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 11:59:33 AM)

Thanks everyone for the great answers. I have tried to talking to her about BDSM-kinda, but it doesn't really work.

Honestly, she is VERY important to me, but i may not be able to live without the kink..



Karmastic -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:00:30 PM)

Sorry, but my advice hasn't changed from last time...

quote:

Karmastic

Your relationship reminds me of the married gay man (I know you're not gay) who realizes he just can't live a lie anymore. You tried your only option (one a gay man doesn't have), but you're girlfriend isn't into it. The reason is as simple as realizing why the gay man's wife is not an option. You need to be with a natural dom, otherwise there will always be resentment for whatever proclivity she will find repulsive and degrading (which sometimes is the entire point, eh?).

I'm in your space my man (as a dom), and that's why I'm looking for a woman who already knows she wants that, and not to be convinced. Don't cheat on your girlfriend - but do some research, and be who you are sexually!




slaveloser69 -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:00:54 PM)

And just for the record, I don't want to push her to do anything she doesnt want to do. I never said being vanilla is a bad thing at all. I respect everyone, and what anyone is into, dont get me WRONG AT ALL!

I just meant I tried to introduce her, it didnt work, it is what it is. Shes vanilla, im kinky- I don't want anyt resenment or anything like that dont misintrept me!



Karmastic -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:11:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

And just for the record, I don't want to push her to do anything she doesnt want to do. I never said being vanilla is a bad thing at all. I respect everyone, and what anyone is into, dont get me WRONG AT ALL!

I just meant I tried to introduce her, it didnt work, it is what it is. Shes vanilla, im kinky- I don't want anyt resenment or anything like that dont misintrept me!

hate to be harsh, but i think u need to hear this.

what are u waiting for? 4 months is long enough, and like u said in the other thread, feelings are getting stronger. stop wasting her and your time and setting yourselves up for more pain. find someone who matches your needs and be who you are sexually.



Killerangel -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:13:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Thanks everyone for the great answers. I have tried to talking to her about BDSM-kinda, but it doesn't really work.

Honestly, she is VERY important to me, but i may not be able to live without the kink..


You did try to bring things up so that it might evolve in your relationship with her and it seems to have gone nowhere. Good that you tried and as others have pointed out...there isn't anything wrong with her that she likes what she likes. She's perfectly entitled to her own preferences. Which leaves the two of you still in separate fields. So you can either try to bring those fields into some kind of overlap by having a heart to heart, or you can live with it as is, or you can leave. You haven't really been honest with her yet. You haven't really told her what BDSM means to you. She may be repulsed or she may say she can do A and B but not C. Who knows.

I'd recommend sitting down and really thinking through what your relationship wants and needs are. Obviously needs and wants are different. Then see where things with her fall on the spectrum. If you decide to openly talk to her you'll have information for her then. If it were me I'd opt for the talk, if I were thinking of leaving the relationship I wouldn't have anything to lose by having the talk and I could potentially gain a lot.




RedMagic1 -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:17:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69
I dont know what to do..

There are two women in my life, they both know about the other, and they each satisfy aspects of my kink that the other won't/can't do. There's no competition for attention, so everyone seems happy.

It's only cheating if your gf doesn't know about it and approve.



Bucephalus -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:23:26 PM)

Maybe she is intrigued by it. I don't know I'm not there; but it could be she just needs a little bit of time to absorb it and come to terms. Again, I'm not there I don't know. I would try to talk to her about maybe what's holding her back, because to me it does sound like there might be some, even if very small interest in it. I wouldn't get rid of her off the bat, just be a bit patient with her. Explain it to her, and maybe have her talk about her interests in the bedroom as well? Just my two cents.



DesFIP -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:25:24 PM)

Accept the fact that she is allowed to like what she likes.
With that said, do you need this to be happy or not?

If yes, then wish her well and go find someone who is into what you're into.

If not, then drop all this and just live a good life with someone you care for who cares for you.



Pyramus -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:29:47 PM)

Trust me. You can't change anyone! They are. You are. And that's the way it is.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 12:32:00 PM)

fast reply

I think it's time to move on, before you both get more invested in this relationship and have your hearts broken. You're just not a match. If you're obsessing about the needs that aren't being met already, only 4 months into a relationship (when generally would still be the exciting falling in love shagging like bunnies stage), then this will only get worse.

If you've tried talking to her, and you've tried introducing these things, and she hasn't gone for it, that's because she's not interested. This won't change. It sounds to me like you've focused so intensely on sneaking some kink in wherever you can that she's probably already feeling a bit neglected. Are you having lots of no pressure completely vanilla sex in which you don't mention your small dick/giving her money/being humiliated/getting the strap on out? Because it sounds like those are her needs. If I were her, and you'd taken the approach you have, I'd be thinking that you're trying to push me into something I'm not, and our sex life is all about you. Doing things you're not into, even for someone you're crazy about, is hard work. It sounds likely that she'll never be able to give you the quantity of kink you want, and do you honestly thing it will be as fulfilling to 'serve' someone who doesn't want that? You can't serve someone who doesn't want service - at that point, it's not serving, it's just complicated masturbation.

You owe it to both of you not to go any further so that you both have a chance to find a good match. If you could live without your kinks I'd say give things a go, but it doesn't sound like you can (not a criticism, just being realistic).

You can of course ask whether she would be happy for you to see a pro. Honestly though, if my relationship were only 4 months old and we had already found such an incompatibility, I'd just cut my losses. I'd be worried that down the line a pro wouldn't be enough and you'd want a relationship that met all your needs. Best to end it now than five years down the line when you have a house/marriage/kid.



another1harder -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 3:25:38 PM)

quote:

I wassn't allowed to go to the bars. Minor, i know, but a step in the right direction.

Have you tried acting out? Like going to (gentlemen) bars & etc. It's a win-win meaning she will either respond to your bdsm wishes or push her away.



OsideGirl -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 3:29:56 PM)

And this is your THIRD FRICKIN' post on this subject and you've been told the same things all three times.



JanahX -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 3:34:19 PM)

Isnt this the exact same thing you basically asked in your last post about this very same matter?

And I see in your profile that you dont mention that you have a girlfriend of any kind. Do you happen to mention to any respondents that you are a dishonest person and that you keep trolling for other people (without their knowledge) while you are currently in a relationship?

I cant see why you are having any problems finding anyone - that alone should make women want to flock on you like flies on shit -



ProlificNeeds -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 7:28:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

I dont know what to do..



Stop making it about you.
I'll I see in this post is all the things you want her to do for her in the kink department. If you want to introduce her to kink, try introducing her to things that are meant to please HER, not you.

You sound selfish when it comes to kink and the bedroom, mybe you aren't, but I have never seen you post anything regarding what you've done to focus on her instead of yourself and your needs.




littlewonder -> RE: My Girl is just not into bdsm.. (4/15/2012 7:41:19 PM)

I have a feeling everyone here is being taken in by this guy's kink....humiliation. You guys did a great job though! LOL



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