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Actual Church Newsletter and bulletin announcements - 6/4/2006 10:24:27 PM

Dakiniglas

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Actual Church newsletter and bulletin announcements
"Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help."

"Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bellzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Tuesday at 4 PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early."

"Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor".

"Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in."

"Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper."

"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

"The 1998 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11."

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes."

"The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

"Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child."

"Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

" The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."

"Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

"Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!"

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit."

"The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience."

"The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs.Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens."

"The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."

"Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."

"The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S."

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".

"Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King."

"Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy"

"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".

"Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns."

"Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you."

"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict."

"The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'."

"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."

"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church."

"The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

_____________________________

Peace and blessings,
Dakiniglas
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, then you start treating everything as if it were a nail.” -Abraham Maslow

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Church Humor - 6/5/2006 2:28:15 PM

ADomDoc

Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me," his father replied.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
**************

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
**************

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
**************

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us:
"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, KY, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to loose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
*************************************

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had a answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
**************

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, "I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's ok with us, but what made you decide that?" asked the boy's
mother.
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
***************

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
***************

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
***************

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

(in reply to Dakiniglas)

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At the Baptism in the River - 6/5/2006 2:29:54 PM

ADomDoc

Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
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A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stagger down into the water and stands next to the minister.

The minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, sir-l am."

The minister then dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks.

"No l haven't!" says the drunk.

The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now have you found Jesus?"

"No l have not!" bellows the drunk again.

Disgusted, the minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds the third time, then brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God! Have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

(in reply to Dakiniglas)

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RE: At the Baptism in the River - 6/5/2006 2:40:18 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
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LOL.....ahhhhh that's a good one!!!

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

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RE: At the Baptism in the River - 6/5/2006 6:32:00 PM

Dakiniglas

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Joined: 1/16/2006
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Bravo! lol

_____________________________

Peace and blessings,
Dakiniglas
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, then you start treating everything as if it were a nail.” -Abraham Maslow

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

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