was i ever really his sub???

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was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 2:43:36 PM

daddysgirl8230

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so when i was 18/19 i use to go visit this guy and he claimed to be a "dom" he would make me do things for him, (mostly good things that we both enjoyed) BUT looking back he never collared me, their was no chat about hard and soft limits......was i his sub? was he really a Master? if i was never collared? Or was i just used??? feeling confused..now! after years of not serving because im in a "Vanilla Marriage...i still try to "serv" my husband now (he seems to enjoy bedroom bdsm) but not outside of the bedroom! HELP! (with the question)
thanks
kitten

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 2:53:57 PM

ReaganEra

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Joined: 4/21/2012
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you should probably hire magnum pi to help you sort out this mystery. it sounds pretty complicated!

you do know that a relationship is whatever two people make of it, right? there isn't actually an independent licensing board that makes determinations about how to label a relationship. you won't get audited by outside agencies for making spurious claims about whether or not you had a master, nor can you collect damages against him.

just take things for what they are and don't make life so complicated dude.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:02:01 PM

poise

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I never met the fella, so I have no knowledge of whether or not he had any of the qualities that
I personally would need to see evidence of before making such a determination for myself.

Everyone has their own set of ideals in regards to what a Dominant looks like/acts like, etc,
and not every Master/slave relationship requires a collar.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:14:10 PM

Wantstocontrolu

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Joined: 4/11/2008
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Many claim to be a "Dom" few are really however a Master.
but its just a name, just a self-inflicted title.
Just because you did not have a collar is no big deal.
Its inside that is what counts,
The questions you and only you can answer is "where you a submissive"?
did it please you to submit?
If the answer is yes, than you have answered your own question. Weather he was or not is not the issue.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:22:34 PM

Alecta

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Collars, contracts, "limits" etc are just rituals and mean differently to different people. They have as much stock as you put in them.

Negotiating limits is a lot like discussing your expectations and general likes and dislikes before deciding whether or not to date a guy -- some people do it, some people don't, and it's not necessarily bad. From a logical standpoint, it's a good thing to do when you now for sure you'll never want a relationship with someone who doesn't like kids, for example, but not always something on the top of your mind when you date someone. In the BDSM realm it's more important because of safety and consent concerns; however, sometimes people just fall into things and they don't have that conversation because they don't expect to get to a point where whatever it is that they're strongly against would be brought up. It's more a lapse than a lack of commitment.

Collars are a sign of commitment and really the value and weight of it depends on the participants. Some people view putting on a collar as putting on a costume for the play session. Some people view it as a wedding ring. Some people just like the idea of having one. If it wasn't important to you at that time to wear a collar, and it wasn't important to him then that you wear one, then don't worry about it. It doesn't mean our relationship meant any less to either of you.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:24:30 PM

lizi

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So the two of you didn't follow some script, what's the big deal? How are we supposed to determine if he was a Dom and you were submissive- not everyone follows the same script. The only thing that matters is how you guys felt about it. If it made you happy at the time why are you questioning it now? If you're feeling taken advantage of now, then figure out why and make sure you understand what happened so it doesn't happen to you again.

It doesn't sound much like the guy could really call himself a Dominant, but what's wrong with that? If it bothers you then steer clear of his kind now. I did some stupid things when I was 18, I learned from it.

I have a collar now and can't wear it because of a school commitment, doesn't mean that much to me that I can't. It's just an outside symbol, what's important is inside.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:28:14 PM

ReaganEra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

So the two of you didn't follow some script, what's the big deal? How are we supposed to determine if he was a Dom and you were submissive- not everyone follows the same script. The only thing that matters is how you guys felt about it. If it made you happy at the time why are you questioning it now? If you're feeling taken advantage of now, then figure out why and make sure you understand what happened so it doesn't happen to you again.

It doesn't sound much like the guy could really call himself a Dominant, but what's wrong with that? If it bothers you then steer clear of his kind now. I did some stupid things when I was 18, I learned from it.

I have a collar now and can't wear it because of a school commitment, doesn't mean that much to me that I can't. It's just an outside symbol, what's important is inside.

i think you have to keep the collar on your person at all times, though, legally. that way if the lifestyle gestapo demands your papers, you're good to go. otherwise, how will you know???

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:34:49 PM

RumpusParable

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Chael and I have been together for 15 yrs, and in a power exchange where I am in charge (call me his dom, his mistress, whatever) for about 4 or 5. I have never given him a collar, probably never will, and we've never had a talk about hard and soft limits.

You don't have to follow some guidebook, of which there is none, to have a power exchange relationship.. You expressed that you were happy. What more is there? Why would you now think you were being used?

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 4/22/2012 3:35:18 PM >

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:37:27 PM

FrankAr

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Greetings,

How you explained it, it just seems you were in a relationship with kinky benefits. Hindsight is a good thing and a bad thing. Everyone would love to have hindsight. Your life progresses to how you want it to be. How you are descibing it....and the terminolgy might be wrong....but you might be his alpha submissive, only in the bedroom. Outside you lead a normal funstioning life with the hubby. Just like the alpha slave.

I would just forget about the past and move forward with the hubby and experience life with him as a subby and read and go from there, even go to a few workshops in the area. There is no real loss if you both do not move forward from there, at least you have tried.

Be well.

Frank Ar.

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 3:56:32 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReaganEra

i think you have to keep the collar on your person at all times, though, legally. that way if the lifestyle gestapo demands your papers, you're good to go. otherwise, how will you know???

Stop

I live on the edge, what can I say?

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 8:53:13 PM

littlewonder

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so you basically had casual kinky sex with a fuckbuddy. Not too complicated to figure out. As for your marriage, if you're unhappy go to a marriage counselor. If you're fine with your marriage then why is the thought of your past fuckbuddy causing you so much anxiety?

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/22/2012 10:31:30 PM

JanahX

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Joined: 8/21/2010
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Youre 29 now and you re trying to figure out shit that happened when you were 19? C'mon now....Whats really going on here?

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysgirl8230

so when i was 18/19 i use to go visit this guy and he claimed to be a "dom" he would make me do things for him, (mostly good things that we both enjoyed) BUT looking back he never collared me, their was no chat about hard and soft limits......was i his sub? was he really a Master? if i was never collared? Or was i just used??? feeling confused..now! after years of not serving because im in a "Vanilla Marriage...i still try to "serv" my husband now (he seems to enjoy bedroom bdsm) but not outside of the bedroom! HELP! (with the question)
thanks
kitten

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RE: was i ever really his sub??? - 4/23/2012 3:29:05 AM

sincelo