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How much of your life did you have together before a D/... - 4/24/2012 10:59:53 AM   
Savelle


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/22/2012
Status: offline 		Dear experienced parties, both top and bottom alike: where were you at in your life when you started looking into having a relationship with someone else? Did you have everything together or were you just figuring yourself out and trying to find someone to help you do so?

Myself; I'd like a relationship but I don't feel I have my life together enough to meet the needs of my ideal partner. I know what I want and a casual comment is all I have time for. Should I wait until I can offer more or keep myself on the market and let the other person decide if what I can offer is enough?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 11:23:40 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Once I seriously realized what I wanted in a relationship with a woman, and what that meant to me, I backed off looking for anyone for awhile. I felt I did have some shit gathering I needed to do. I would like to think I am pretty together now and can handle most anything life flings my way.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

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(in reply to Savelle)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 12:42:40 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		When I don't have the emotional capacity for a committed relationship, for example, right after my husband and I separated, I just naturally don't seek one. This doesn't stop me from having Friends with Benefits.

When I was ready for Relationship Guy, that's who I sought.

I'm not sure what you mean by "life together" - if I were unemployed, I'd put far more energy into seeking a job than finding a casual or committed partner, but wouldn't feel the need to be well up the corporate ladder or a homeowner first.

(in reply to Savelle)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 1:51:13 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I already had my life together, knew who/what I was looking for already when I met Master. It took me many many years to get to that point however. I just refused to get involved with someone again until I had my own life sorted out and I was in a stable condition to give someone a relationship they deserved.


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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 2:04:45 PM   
Savelle


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/22/2012
Status: offline 		When I say I don't have my life together I mean to say, I'm not where I want to be in my life. I'm taking steps to be the person I want to be and have the life I want. Things as they are, are chaotic. I'm coming out of a long term relationship, and refocusing my priorities to my needs and my goals in life.

I learned from being with someone that I can have a relationship and want one, with the right person- and my ex and myself ended things on good terms without too many emotional scars/baggage. We care for one another and want to see things work out for best. We both were unhappy, and our relationship began to deteriorate until we both knew we should go our separate ways for a time and get our shit together.

I was committed to her and I feel I could be committed to another person but just to a lesser degree. I'm taking time away from relationships to get myself in order but I want a relationship with someone- even if only a friendship or friends with benefits. My ideal situation is a live together, play together, share my life with someone completely with trust, respect and understanding. I simple don't feel I can dedicate myself to that ideal, not because I don't want it but because I'll be in school- studying several hours a day and working as much as I need to.

I know what I want and what I need, finding it seems to be the difficult part in everything. The person I was with was and wasn't what I wanted. The fear I have is putting off Love for the four years I'll be in school is uncomfortable and not something I want to imagine but casual flings just don't mesh well with my personality or morals.

< Message edited by Savelle -- 4/24/2012 2:08:16 PM >

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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 2:35:12 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Savelle. Thank you for joining us on the message board.

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin."

In reading your very well written profile, I come away with the feeling that you actually already
have alot of life figured out. It's refreshing to read someone who seems to have set a designated
path before them, and knows what is needed to pave the way. It also shows that you have great
insight into the type of relationship that would be most suitable for you, and I loved how you balanced
it by detailing not only your benefit to such a relationship, but your partners as well.

I think you are selling yourself way too short when you say you don't have enough to offer.
Quality over quantity rules out 99% of the time, and I think many women be willing to risk that 1% with you.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Savelle)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 2:39:24 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		This is one of those things you need to look at without the D/s. Are you ready to begin another relationship, period?

To some extent, like parenthood, some believe that no-one's ever "ready", and some pass it by altogether by holding themselves back thinking they're not ready. It's all about balance and how you feel about yourself. You are 24, don't sweat it. 4 years are going to pass in a blink of an eye!

It sounds like you need to be committed to yourself for a while, and maybe you're confusing the inevitable loneliness from suddenly going from being a couple to a single with needing to be in a relationship. Everything starts within. If you cannot love yourself, commit to yourself, understand yourself, you're going to do a crap job of all that to someone else, and can't hardly expect someone else to love, commit and understand you either.

Love happens. If you really come across it, it's not going to be put off by your other commitments. The question is, when Love randomly and inevitably finds you, if you are in that moment, a person worthy of the opportunity?

(in reply to Savelle)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 2:50:50 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		For me, the question doesn't really apply since my only D/s relationship started with my wife of 10 years so .. you know.. whatever I had together is what I had together.

I very much agree with Poise's comment (no big surprise there)

Overall, I'd answer your question by saying, "Enough but not perfect". What is enough will depend greatly on what type of relationship you are seeking. For me and the way I conceptualize things, if I were looking for another woman to fill a role similar to Carol's, I'd need to be able to provide for her in every way... emotionally, financially, etc. for the rest of her life before I'd take on the obligation. That, in part, is why I have no unicorn hunt under way right now... I cannot afford to own another human right now. Man, the upkeep costs on humans are just through the roof! *laughs*. But that only applies to what I seek. I think you need to look realistically at what responsibility you are suggesting you will take on given what you seek then act accordingly.

For me, responsibility and authority go hand in hand. The more authority I want, the more responsibility I assume. I want all the authority ergo...

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Savelle)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 3:29:40 PM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		Get yourself together and focus on your purpose. After a year or two, you can relax a little and allow the possibility of a deep engagement with another to enter the picture, but chaos is inimical to the purpose which drives men forward and this you must resolve, first.

On another note: Your profile is overly verbose and detailed which suggests a tendency toward full, open disclosure. Alas life and women simply do not work that way, so I'd suggest toning it down.

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Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to Savelle)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/24/2012 8:02:42 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Savelle
Dear experienced parties, both top and bottom alike: where were you at in your life when you started looking into having a relationship with someone else? Did you have everything together or were you just figuring yourself out and trying to find someone to help you do so?

When I met my Master I wasn't looking for a relationship. He just happened to show up in my life when he did, and things just went naturally from there. You don't really get to choose when the right person comes along or when you fall in love.

As for having my life together...well, I knew myself and what I wanted out of life, if that's what you mean. That doesn't mean I had already accomplished what I'd wanted out of life--I view that as an ongoing journey. And it is quite a good journey to be shared with someone, in my opinion.

(in reply to Savelle)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 1:29:55 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Not sure if Ill ever get my life in order....I'm a firm believer in just do it

BadOne

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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 2:48:42 AM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I very much agree with Poise's comment (no big surprise there)


Me three!

Part of that journey, at least for me is doing exactly what you're doing. Stepping back and having a look at what you want and what you think you need in life to get to a point to achieve it. This is really good and really important, especially after a relationship ending. There is certainly no right or wrong time, but when it happens you'll known it's right. Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve though and do not settle for anything less than what you really want.

I can completely empathise with you. I spent 1-2 years wanting out of my (vanilla, longterm) relationship, so in my mind I knew what I want for my life, knew what needed to be changed to make it happier/easier/more enjoyable. I was initially worried about rebounding but the reality is my heart had given up on that part of my life anyway. I was ready for the next part and it has been incredibly exciting.

My Sir started out as my friend, an online acquaintance from many moons ago. What quickly blossumed was love so perfect that I honestly cry about how lucky I am.

Hang in there. You'll find that special one and you'll just know.


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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 8:31:49 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I didn't have my life together when I first entered my first d/s relationship.
Going through divorce, everything was crumbling. But the d/s relationship helped me through that bad patch. I don't regret going into, I felt needed it to have something to look forward to everyday.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 4/25/2012 8:32:42 AM >

(in reply to kitkat105)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 8:33:12 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline 		where were you at in your life when you started looking into having a relationship with someone else?

I had just separated from my ex husband in April of 2011 and met Master in September. I had one guy shortly after my separation and he was 3 weeks of foolish, silly, crazy fun but not what I would look for in a relationship but very helpful in just realizing that life is fun. I wasn't looking for someone when I met Master. In fact, I didn't want to drag anyone into my crazy life. As far as my life together, it was together enough for me, whereby I knew where I was going in life, I knew what I wanted, and I had goals, ambitions and dreams.
As for the D/s, Master and I just kind of slipped into it. It just fit.

Did you have everything together or were you just figuring yourself out and trying to find someone to help you do so?
I had already found myself. I had left my dead-end marriage, and went through some growth on my own to be able to stand on my own two feet without having to rely on anyone to make sure I was a good enough human being. I gave myself that sanction.
I did find someone to help me do so but it is, in my opinion, fundamental to a relationship to grow together so whatever growth I did on my own, I have done more since being with Master.

I like SailingBum's answer. "Not sure if Ill ever get my life in order....I'm a firm believer in just do it"


< Message edited by LunaM -- 4/25/2012 8:34:07 AM >

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to kitkat105)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 9:11:25 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Savelle

Dear experienced parties, both top and bottom alike: where were you at in your life when you started looking into having a relationship with someone else? Did you have everything together or were you just figuring yourself out and trying to find someone to help you do so?

Myself; I'd like a relationship but I don't feel I have my life together enough to meet the needs of my ideal partner. I know what I want and a casual comment is all I have time for. Should I wait until I can offer more or keep myself on the market and let the other person decide if what I can offer is enough?


Well, I had my first power exchange relationship completely without planning or looking. It started as just a natural D/s inclination between us as kids and as we grew to adults it morphed in an M/s structure. That's been the way with most of my power exchange relationships... we meet and it just goes there naturally with no planning or special discussion.

I have a pretty put-together life as far as my partners are concerned. I have troubles and trials and flaws in myself and my life, but I am not one with drama normally (I've had a case of relationship drama about a year or so ago, and it was years before that that I'd had a previous thing). I don't think anyone ever has "everything together"... life continuously changes and throws new things at us (health issues, relationship issues, job issues, new habits, etc on and on) so a person can never be completely prepared or have things perfect. However, there are those that handle these things with self-control, good common sense, and a good handling-things approach to their lives and others don't. I like to think that I'm in the first category, I know I strive to be. And that's what I look for in a partner.

My advice? Strive to be one of the former folks, too, and make headway there. Then seek whatever suits you at the moment, just be honest with potential partners about what you want and have time for.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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(in reply to Savelle)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 10:48:02 AM   
hisdarlinsweetie


Posts: 55
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		I met my Sir when I was back in school after taking a hiatus to marry the wrong guy, have a couple of kids and then divorce that wrong guy. I was a single mom who knew nothing about D/s other than my own thoughts and fantasies. I did not want a substantial relationship, but after a few years of divorce, thought I should start dating casually. Sir and my relationship was supposed to just be fun...nothing more than a casual relationship that included lots of sex and kink as well as exploring dominance and submission. Fast forward five years: I earned my degree and Sir and I are happily married.

Like some others have said, continue to work on yourself, but understand that there's always more you can do. So, don't put things off until you are perfect or are in the perfect situation...life rarely works that way. Be honest with yourself and those you interact with, and a relationship will come when it is right.

(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 4:28:16 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Not sure if Ill ever get my life in order....I'm a firm believer in just do it

BadOne


Here here.

If I waited until my life were together, I'd never have gotten a life. (ooooo.... Call me Buddha!)

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 4:37:08 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Buddha!

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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 4:54:21 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		... and that's why we love the Hibiscus...

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: How much of your life did you have together before ... - 4/25/2012 4:55:34 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		It's all in the timing.

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[page 23 girl]



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