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Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 6:13:23 PM

kittycake

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
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I wasn't entirely sure where to post this, but since I am submissive, I'll put it here. Please let me know if this isn't the appropriate forum for the question.

As human beings engaging in relationships, we often are confronted with dealing with a partner's ex-partner/Master/slave/pick your term. Hopefully these were not bad relationships, and there isn't much drama there. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

So how do you deal with a problematic ex of your significant other? In my case, my Sir's previous submissive is a bit emotionally unstable and keeps appearing. While she has not caused any major problems, and he has been very honest and open with me about her, its unsettling to have her haunt places we frequent. She is constantly emailing him asking if I'm better at X, Y, or Z than she was, and wanting details of our relationship. He usually chooses to ignore her, and I do the same.

Today I was out in public (at the grocery store), and she was there and made somewhat of a scene, calling me a whore and other names. I quickly left.

So my question is...in dealing with slightly psychotic kinky exes of your partner, how do you react when they try to disrupt your relationship or your life? Does ignoring them work?

Thanks in advance for any answers!

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. -- Robert Browning

His kitten

Post #: 1

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 6:41:56 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittycake

I wasn't entirely sure where to post this, but since I am submissive, I'll put it here. Please let me know if this isn't the appropriate forum for the question.

As human beings engaging in relationships, we often are confronted with dealing with a partner's ex-partner/Master/slave/pick your term. Hopefully these were not bad relationships, and there isn't much drama there. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

So how do you deal with a problematic ex of your significant other? In my case, my Sir's previous submissive is a bit emotionally unstable and keeps appearing. While she has not caused any major problems, and he has been very honest and open with me about her, its unsettling to have her haunt places we frequent. She is constantly emailing him asking if I'm better at X, Y, or Z than she was, and wanting details of our relationship. He usually chooses to ignore her, and I do the same.

Today I was out in public (at the grocery store), and she was there and made somewhat of a scene, calling me a whore and other names. I quickly left.

So my question is...in dealing with slightly psychotic kinky exes of your partner, how do you react when they try to disrupt your relationship or your life? Does ignoring them work?

Thanks in advance for any answers!

What you describe is quite a bit more than 'a bit emotionally unstable.' If this happened to me in public...or in private...I would file an incident report with the local police department. It's good to document, and if you wish law enforcement will personally have a talk with her about keeping away from you or it will be necessary to issue a restraining order, which becomes a public record. It's the quickest, safest way to put the kibosh on her unacceptable behavior. You have the right to do this independently of her history with you and 'Sir'. People can't just go around accosting folks in public willy nilly; there are laws about that.

'Sir' should have taken care of this when they parted. I would not rely on him to take care of it now. Nip this in the bud, legally if needed, then once it's sorted tell 'Sir' you will not tolerate situations like it again.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 4/29/2012 6:46:00 PM >

(in reply to kittycake)

Post #: 2

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 7:02:27 PM

kittycake

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline

Thank you very much. That was sort of the route I was planning on taking, but I wasn't sure if I was overreacting since I was so angry about it. I'm actually going to talk about it to my sir tonight when he gets home; I haven't seen him since the incident. I'm sure he'll be suitably pissed off that she would behave like that as well.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. -- Robert Browning

His kitten

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Post #: 3

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 7:03:33 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

This is a problem where the solution depends so much on the individual circumstances. It's rather difficult to give any advice about it. I agree with regard to reporting all threats and harassment to the authorities.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 4

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 7:12:33 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

We got a restraining order and told her (and her new Dom) that we would sue for harassment if it didn't stop. Plus she filed a false police report, so once that was proven she also got a visit from the police as well. After that, her new Dom put his foot down and she came to the conclusion that we were getting married regardless of what she did......so she backed off.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 5

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 7:35:06 PM

kittycake

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline

This girl is no where near that bad...that sounds like a nightmare! I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. -- Robert Browning

His kitten

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 7:53:53 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittycake

I wasn't entirely sure where to post this, but since I am submissive, I'll put it here. Please let me know if this isn't the appropriate forum for the question.

As human beings engaging in relationships, we often are confronted with dealing with a partner's ex-partner/Master/slave/pick your term. Hopefully these were not bad relationships, and there isn't much drama there. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

So how do you deal with a problematic ex of your significant other? In my case, my Sir's previous submissive is a bit emotionally unstable and keeps appearing. While she has not caused any major problems, and he has been very honest and open with me about her, its unsettling to have her haunt places we frequent. She is constantly emailing him asking if I'm better at X, Y, or Z than she was, and wanting details of our relationship. He usually chooses to ignore her, and I do the same.

Today I was out in public (at the grocery store), and she was there and made somewhat of a scene, calling me a whore and other names. I quickly left.

So my question is...in dealing with slightly psychotic kinky exes of your partner, how do you react when they try to disrupt your relationship or your life? Does ignoring them work?

Thanks in advance for any answers!

Your Sir is contributing to the problem by maintaining contact with her.
That sometimes he engages with her keeps her involved.
Why isn't her email blocked?

If he doesn't have some active responsibility towards her: IE paying her rent while she gets on her feet then she should be his ex.
If he still has some feelings of responsibility towards her (and this is a monogamous relationship between the 2 of you) then I wonder if he is really ready for involvement so soon with things being apparently unresolved between them.

Being a good ex does not mean being a doormat or letting your new partner be abused in public... and I am wondering why if they do not have children together he is allowing this drama to stay in his life.

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Post #: 7

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 8:35:20 PM

kittycake

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline

Forgive me for the poor wording, but he really doesn't keep contact with her. She emails him, on lots of different emails. They've been broken up for about two years, and she had left him alone but once she found out he had moved on, the emails started. So far I think he's blocked about a dozen different emails, and he hasn't responded to any of them.

He doesn't have any responsibility towards her, and he's completely moved on. He's been talking about getting a restraining order against her for her behavior, to protect me as well as him.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. -- Robert Browning

His kitten

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 8

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 8:43:21 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Perhaps he should change his email address then?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to kittycake)

Post #: 9

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/29/2012 9:12:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Thankfully I've never once had this problem. I guess if it did happen though I would simply ignore the person. Most of the time when you ignore people they give up and go away. If that didn't work then I would take it up with my partner and being that he is a dominant man, I would expect him to take care of the problem with his ex. If he didn't I'd probably leave the relationship altogether. I have zero desire to chaos and drama in my life, no matter how much I may love him.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 10

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/30/2012 7:52:52 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittycake

Forgive me for the poor wording, but he really doesn't keep contact with her. She emails him, on lots of different emails. They've been broken up for about two years, and she had left him alone but once she found out he had moved on, the emails started. So far I think he's blocked about a dozen different emails, and he hasn't responded to any of them.

Okay. But has he flat out told her to stop?

Also, if she's goes off on you again in public....record her. It won't take many recordings to convince a judge to issue a restraining order against her.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kittycake)

Post #: 11

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/30/2012 7:55:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Definitely restraining order time.

In addition, a letter from an attorney threatening a lawsuit for monetary damages might get her attention. People tend to wake up when their wallet's being threatened.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/30/2012 7:59:10 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Maybe I'm wierd but the only thing I ever asked from an ex who has moved on is to send me a wedding invitation.

A couple of them have and I bought them nice presents and congratulated the happy couple.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

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Post #: 13

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/30/2012 8:26:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

We got a restraining order and told her (and her new Dom) that we would sue for harassment if it didn't stop. Plus she filed a false police report, so once that was proven she also got a visit from the police as well. After that, her new Dom put his foot down and she came to the conclusion that we were getting married regardless of what she did......so she backed off.

I realized after I wrote this that the direct harassment stopped after the restraining order and threat of a law suit. But the snarky comments didn't stop until we had been married for two years. She made the mistake of deciding to make a comment in a public venue.

I was talking to a friend about something Master was planning. Out of the blue the ex says, "I'm gad it's you and not me."
My response was, "It's funny because he says that same thing"

I then proceeded to say in front of everyone...."You broke up THREE years ago, and still the only thing you can talk about is MY husband. I feel bad for your current Dom having to deal with your fixation with MY husband. We want you to go away and be happy. Go away. Be happy."

The room applauded. After that we never heard from her again.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 4/30/2012 8:31:39 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 4/30/2012 2:28:10 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Youre being stalked. Get a restraining order.

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

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Post #: 15

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 5/26/2012 2:47:42 PM

chokedinblack

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/24/2012
Status: offline

I had a bad break up with my ex. His last words to me were that I'm a junkie bitch and that the only thing I'm good at is making other people around me miserable. I found a new fuck buddy and spent my time crying hysterically and fucking him. And then the calls started. He would call at least once a week, email me, text me. I ignored him and blocked his number so I got more emails. All the while he knew my password and was reading my emails, my Facebook, reading my personal livejournal entries. Eventually it got to a point where I was just gonna change my number. After that he imed me and I figured I would hear the last words he would ever speak to me. We ended up talking for four hours on I'm and then I gave him my phone number and we talked for another two hours. We eventually met up and got back together seeing as it seemed like he changed. We've been together since January of last year.

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Post #: 16

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 5/26/2012 3:08:58 PM

PrincessDonna11

Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline

if he hadnt had contact with her after 2 YEARS why did she know that he was with someone else?? any friends that they had as a couple had to know she was off and woudnt have told her he moved on, how did she find ouut? Things that make ya go mmmmm.....

(in reply to chokedinblack)

Post #: 17

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 5/26/2012 5:59:30 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Donna, you can't seriously be that naive.
I've never been in a group situation yet where people don't talk.
And as decent people don't go around telling everyone they meet not to talk to X if they encounter her, she needed only run into a friend of a friend and say "hey, what ever happened to Y". The friend of the friend will know gossip like he's getting married but won't know that this is a stalker.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 18

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 5/27/2012 2:42:25 AM

Thaz

Posts: 617
Joined: 4/28/2012
Status: offline

Sounds like a real bunny boiler...

Stay calm, do not respond in kind and record/video her rants. Smart Phones make that much easier, forward such recordings for the date/time stamp and location evidence. Document her behaviour and get a restraining order if it continues.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Dealing with 'exes' - 5/27/2012 3:07:06 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittycake

Forgive me for the poor wording, but he really doesn't keep contact with her. She emails him, on lots of different emails. They've been broken up for about two years, and she had left him alone but once she found out he had moved on, the emails started. So far I think he's blocked about a dozen different emails, and he hasn't responded to any of them.

He doesn't have any responsibility towards her, and he's completely moved on. He's been talking about getting a restraining order against her for her behavior, to protect me as well as him.

Is she using multiple emails to contact him or contacting him on his multiple accounts? After "about a dozen" emails from her, without him taking steps towards making her cease and desist, I tend to believe his "talk" about getting a restraining order is nothing more than that, talk.

Not to be rude, but unless you knew everything that was going on during that two years you only know what he has told you about them not being in contact. My gut tells me they talked, at the very least, here and there. Two years is a long time to have zero contact and then suddenly start up again. I'm sure he dated during that two years. It would be quite unusual for someone to have zero contact during two years and then suddenly, when he gets involved with you, she feels threatened. That is typically how a woman who has had at least some contact, usually in the form of some booty calls, is going to react to a new, steady partner. Seems to me, something has gone on during that two years that has led her to believe they might get back together, even if that was not his intent.

(in reply to kittycake)

Post #: 20

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