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LadyConstanze -> RE: Anybody needs a good laugh? (5/2/2012 1:59:16 PM)
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quote:
Deeply tormented at posessing pubic hair that was not dis-similar, in appearance and feel, to the brambles of the most neglected Oxfordshire countryside, I decided to pilfer some Veet Gel. In times of such austerity, any man who pays just shy of nine sterling for 200ml of anything is fundamentally gormless.
It was a toss up between this product, which impressed me with its sophisticated use of the French word 'Creme', and an encrusted old razor I found in some public toilets on the outskirts of a Huddersfield industrial estate. Fundamentally I just can't trust anything northern unless it's a delivery of coal for my log burner.
I slopped all 200ml onto my pork nuggets, having always having been a fellow who enjoys copious amounts of gravy on a sunday roast. As a man of short stature, I was unable to flop them over the edge of the basin. I started wishing I'd invested in a French style bidet to accompany my creme; it would have been most satisfactory to place my boeuf and oeufs onto the cold porcelain.
As I was standing, casually observing my two balls like a man assessing a tricky snooker shot, I realised the dog was barking outside. By the time I had walked down the stairs and let the two legged, excrement loving cretin out into the garden, I realised all was not well. The most intolerable pain had enveloped the two old boys, and indeed the base of my passion baton. To make matters worse a small amount had dripped over into the dark side, leaving my rectum feeling like a dragons nostril for several days.
Bright red, and with more hair falling out than an overstressed parrot, my giblets and ringsting had to be dealt with. Luckily I was in my garden, and I could hose down the fire with my recently purchased powerhose.
Unfortunatley, the local community support officer was strolling by and he arrested me for flouting the hosepipe ban.
Neither worth the pain or fixed penalty notice, but five stars for effectiveness.
I suspect this gentleman is from around Oxfordshire...
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