RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split?

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 12:07:50 AM

LadyConstanze

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As a suggestion, maybe you can introduce a role play scenario? Maybe he doesn't want to smack you bottom as "your husband", but maybe he wants to smack a naughty school girls bottom when he's a teacher?

I wouldn't go too far with the BDSM literature and stick with the milder stuff first, you want to convince him and not scare him and if he's balking at the idea of smacking you, he might misunderstand "O" quite a bit and be worried that this is the way you want your relationship to go.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 12:29:31 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
And now that all you perverts have finally had you wicked way with me, neither do I.

More seriously, the problem I always have with that is that statement is that it just misses so much of reality. People change and they do so for a wide variety of reasons. I'm currently working on (and succeeding at) acquiring a taste for various ethnic foods that Carol likes. I've pretty much hated Chinese my entire life. Now I'm learning to like it. For me, sadism would be the same thing. Once I got over my initial abhorrence and saw it for what it was, then it wasn't hard to experiment with, it wasn't hard to see how the wires might connect inside me. It would not be hard to acquire the taste if Carol really grooved on it. Heck, over our 17 years together I've changed in much more dramatic ways than that in order to be more compatible with her.

To expand given FTP's comment, I'm not talking about "doing something just to please your partner". That would be pretty cheesy in Carol's and my marriage. I'm talking about actually acquiring the taste.. not going through the motions.

Yeah. I was going to mention to you earlier in the thread that if Carol ever wanted to get her pain itch scratched and you just couldn't bring yourself to do it, I'll pinch hit for you. It's not like you don't know enough sadists that you wouldn't be able to find someone to help you out.

Heck, bring her to NE3 and I'll make her My demo bottom for wax. (I can see the look on her face now.)

Truthfully, I don't advocate the idea of forcing vanilla folks to engage in kink if they can't find something to like about it. Non kinky folks have just as much right to their preferences in their sex life as kinky people do. If they hate every kink that they try, so be it. I'm very against forcing people to engage in kink if it doesn't work for them.

Hey, do you want to know what helps men to engage in service topping, even if it's not an activity that gets them hot? It's the woman in his bed that is so turned on that she squirms all over him and rocks his world! I can promise that is a very successful method.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 12:38:10 AM

LadyConstanze

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Yep, I agree, but slowly and carefully might work better than expecting him to be the super spanker straight away. If I think back, the things I enjoy now, when I got my feet wet the idea of some of them would have sent me squirming and running for cover. Let him try with some mild spanking (and maybe a role play) and her reaction will most likely convince him that they don't need to role play anymore and he'll quite enthusiastically will give her bottom a nice smack while they're at it...

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 2:29:39 AM

LadyPact

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I completely agree. Most folks don't start out going full tilt. It's usually a case of start slow and work your way up. He may only be comfortable with giving a few love taps as far as pain goes. There may be some trepidation on first, but positive reinforcement will help over time.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 2:55:45 AM

kitkat105

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
And now that all you perverts have finally had you wicked way with me, neither do I.

More seriously, the problem I always have with that is that statement is that it just misses so much of reality. People change and they do so for a wide variety of reasons. I'm currently working on (and succeeding at) acquiring a taste for various ethnic foods that Carol likes. I've pretty much hated Chinese my entire life. Now I'm learning to like it. For me, sadism would be the same thing. Once I got over my initial abhorrence and saw it for what it was, then it wasn't hard to experiment with, it wasn't hard to see how the wires might connect inside me. It would not be hard to acquire the taste if Carol really grooved on it. Heck, over our 17 years together I've changed in much more dramatic ways than that in order to be more compatible with her.

To expand given FTP's comment, I'm not talking about "doing something just to please your partner". That would be pretty cheesy in Carol's and my marriage. I'm talking about actually acquiring the taste.. not going through the motions.

Yeah. I was going to mention to you earlier in the thread that if Carol ever wanted to get her pain itch scratched and you just couldn't bring yourself to do it, I'll pinch hit for you. It's not like you don't know enough sadists that you wouldn't be able to find someone to help you out.

Heck, bring her to NE3 and I'll make her My demo bottom for wax. (I can see the look on her face now.)

Squee! That sounds like fun!

As for the OP, I think you are going about it the right way. I think educating your husband about what interests you & why it does (eg. exciting, turns you on, etc) will help things along. It is important to make it clear you are happy with the sex, but this is to add another element of fun (play) to the relationship. Best of luck! And enjoy

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 5:49:03 AM

Nevervanillagirl

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If nothing else, this is all a lot clearer in my mind now. You know, I think this was just as jumbled in my head it was when I wrote it here.
After reading all of your insightful replies, I have actually been forced to sift through and reorganize my thoughts and really think about it all.
So here are some thoughts in retrospect of my original post..

1) I do not need this everyday to be happy. Just as I prefer rough naughty sex now, I also happen to need the sweet, take our time emotional exchange of a good old fashioned love making at times too. So I guess in my mind this really is just another flavor I want to add to the mix sometimes. Lord knows, I could NEVER desire to dominated outside of the bedroom. Nothing wrong with anyone who does, I just prefer more of a equal partnership in our relationship and we work well together.

2) I think if I am to be honest with you and myself, I do expect him to try it. Whether that is fair or not, I can't say. But it's the truth. Just as mentioned before by another member, I bend and give in to his wishes on things such as I hate seafood but when he asks me to try a bite of his bc he thinks I will like it since it is cooked differently, I do it. Or when its his turn to pick the restaurant for date night and chooses Korean food, which I personally find a little too out there for my taste, I smile and go with the flow. He knows I don't really ace for it, but also knows I will tolerate it bc he really enjoys it. He also is goes to a lot of effort in eating healthy and workout routine to maintain a nice looking physical appearance. He has never outright said he expects the same of me, but I have always taken the importance of it to him as a silent suggestion for myself...therefore even though I could easily maintain a healthy weight by not eating crap food, I wake up at 5am and run 5 miles every morning and spend at least 3 nights a week taking a pretty hardcore bootcamp style class to keep my body toned. I don't personally need to be in tip top shape to feel good about myself, I know I am attractive, but I figure if pushing his body is important to him and I, by choice became an extension of him when we married, then I will make it a priority for me too. My point? I do things I don't care for daily to please him and don't really ask for a lot in return, so if this is important to me, shouldn't he want to TRY IT? Before you give me any lashes for that comment, see my next point! Haa

3) he has already pleased me by doing what I have asked so far. My other wants, I can't seem to put into words the rest of what I want...so I can't rightfully expect more from him until I find a way to ask him to explore that with me. I asked him to smack my ass during sex and he did. I asked him to come to the bdsm club wi me and he accepted the invite and even seemed to be genuinely interested. If I get nothing further from this, I can't complain bc he has already given in to the degree I have asked of him. He can't be held accountable for what I haven't asked of him.

4) you can lead a horse to water....
Some of the comments have led me to look at any changes he has made since I began dropping hints of him becoming more aggressive with me in bed. There have been some. A) he has smacked my ass in bed. B) I made a comment a few weeks ago about him having 2 options if he wanted to get busy with me, either kiss, rub, be sexy and turn me on sweetly or take it like you own it. He laughed at me but the next time we had sex, he came up behind me pushed me on my stomach onto the bed, whipped it out and went to town and even did anal without warning and talked a little shit to me while he was doing it. I made sure to tell him how hot that was.
C) I really don't think he would agree to go with me to the newbie night if he didn't have at least some fascination or curiosity in it.
So, I think that while my fantasies haven't been fully fulfilled, they haven't been fully disclosed to him yet either and when really forced to sit down and catelog his changes since bringing some of this to his attention, he HAS reacted positively after the initial wtf? Are you serious conversation about him inflicting pain on me.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 7:56:07 AM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
LadyPact, I think there are people who even if they are "not turned on" by kink can sustain it for a short period of time (define short how you want). But in my experience I've never encountered anyone who was not into it but could sustain their interest for years as part of a relationship. I have just not seen that. You yourself admit that you were not into kink before but now it turns you on. But what if it didn't turn you on. What if, as you describe, it completely turned you off? Would you still be doing this? Would you enjoy continuing to do it if it turned you off? Would you continue to do it for someone knowing it turned them on, but turned you off?

Holy wall of questions, Batman! Are you ready? I'm about to confuse the crap out of you.

First off, I think you might have made an assumption. I'm not talking about sustaining a full time dynamic or even hard core S/m. Think more of folks who might get out the silk scares once a month, next month, there might be a light spanking, etc. It's enough spice for them and it's not exactly what could be called vanilla by their standards, so who am I to argue?

I happen to be a part of a D/D couple. I also happen to be a sadist. Neither one of us switch. We do not engage in BDSM together. The reason that we don't is because we've tried it out and weren't thrilled with either one bottoming for the other. Pretty much for the reason that you stated above. Could I give My husband a fantasy night once every three months? I'm sure I could, but it's more that he already knows that I don't like it, so he'd prefer that I didn't.

What I was trying to explain in the above is that I'm similar to the OP in the fact that I'm not one of those folks who needs kink. If My other half and I decided to give up casually topping others, I'd be cool with it. I don't have sex with My casual play partners anyway. I'm perfectly content with My sex life at home. Since nobody is topping and nobody is bottoming, I pretty much consider it vanilla sex.

As I said, I'm a casual top for S/m play. I top both males and females. I have never had a scene with a female that turned Me on sexually because I'm a straight chick. I'm already aware of the fact that it does turn on some of the female bottoms that I play with. I don't get turned on by certain male bottoms, though they have a different reaction. It's kind of hard to miss.

Would I still do it? Hell, yes! My goal in engaging in sadism isn't about getting turned on. It's for Me to have fun. I have a damn good time hurting people. It's entertaining as all get out just to watch people's reactions and enjoy their pain. The top space ain't bad, either. I might even do it to maintain My skill level alone.

Before anybody goes jumping up and down saying that I'm not a real sadist, let Me assure the readers that I am. It's just not always sexual for Me. There are certain people who bottom to Me that it does turn Me on, but that has more to do with who I'm playing with, rather than what I'm doing. Inflicting pain on that particular person is the turn on because we just work that way.

I'm sorry, I think I was not clear in my original post. I did not mean "turn on" to be limited to something sexual, because for me BDSM is not about sex at all. I should have been clearer and said if it didn't turn you on or if you did not get any enjoyment out of it. If you ENJOY it that is obviously different. I would put you in the category of someone who is INTO kink and I would say, from your description, that you are absolutely 100% wired for BDSM if you enjoy your role as Top.

In my earlier post on this thread when I said people are either wired for this or not, I really meant wired or NOT. In other words, someone who is not wired for a particular kink/activity simply gets NO real enjoyment from it. And I have been with partners like that. Who spanked me not because it did anything for them in any way, but only because I enjoyed it. And that was what was not sustainable for me - and it was not sustainable because eventually it affected my own enjoyment of the activity. It's boring doing this with someone who doesn't enjoy it from their own perspective and role. I hope this clarifies.

You sound like someone who would be fun to scene with - you enjoy it, after all! Be well.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 9:35:17 AM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nevervanillagirl

If nothing else, this is all a lot clearer in my mind now. You know, I think this was just as jumbled in my head it was when I wrote it here.
After reading all of your insightful replies, I have actually been forced to sift through and reorganize my thoughts and really think about it all.
So here are some thoughts in retrospect of my original post...

Hey, just remember, all of these issues should not and will not be resolved quickly. This is about the journey. So relax, explore and enjoy together, and see where it leads you (months, years?) down the road. I think many of us have raised the overall issues that you need to consider, but now that you're on the path, there is no way to answer up front what he and you will find interesting to share, and what he and you will find sustainable over time. Be patient, be open, and just understand that what works today, may not work tomorrow, and vice versa. If you can stay open-minded about where the journey might ultimately lead then you will both be fine, and your relationship will be fine. Just realize that you might go far down the Rabbit hole, but then find that the BDSM zone of comfort for both of you is somewhere in-between. This is impossible to answer up front, and impossible for you to answer alone. The two of you have to sort it out as you go - and it could take years before you determine what is the right mix (and you may even end up back where you started), and there are NO right or wrong answers for how the two of you choose to ultimately incorporate kink into your lives (and maybe not at all).

Wish you both the best on your journey.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 10:03:07 AM

Nevervanillagirl

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Agreed! I took Poise's advice and found a checklist. It was not the one she suggested..not that it wasn't a good one. But I found one that catered to all areas of sex, including kinky, but also more vanilla stuff. I didnt want to scare him off or overwhelm him!! Plus, it seemed "safer" bc it allows you to answer online, then it ONLY shows you the answers that you BOTH selected as something you want or would at least be willing to try as a couple.. It won't show his yes to something I said no to. Vice versa. Plus, who knows, I may find out something he is interested in that I never knew and no matter where this journey takes us, that is ultimately what the goal is anyways. Exploration!

The link indent was from this site, mojoupgrade.com
Definitely NOT as in detail as the one suggested, but maybe too many details arent needed just yet!

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 7:00:52 PM

DommesLesEnigma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

You could try letting him read this post, if talking to him doesn't work.

I agree with this...

Also...

Try talking to him in a way that it can work, now that you have your thoughts in order is a very good time.

Communication is the key, and I can't stress that enough.

< Message edited by DommesLesEnigma -- 5/4/2012 7:03:58 PM >

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