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Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 1:43:17 PM

rabiddogg

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I have a question for the more experienced Doms.

In the begining of a relationship when the Dom and subbie are in the process of assuming the roles that they will largely play, if you are unsure of exactly which roles your subbie is seeking, what is the best way to ask without breaking the Dom/sub bond you are forming.

In my example, we were setting up a Daddy with a spoiled brat role. We had her role established well (the Spoiled brat who would not grow up and needed to be punished). I saw my role as either the "Nitpicking Daddy" who looked for fault and punished when he found it (or) as the "Loving but firm" Daddy who loved and cherished is little girl and only punished when she deserved it.

I was not quite sure which way to go, but I thought I saw the singals hinting at the "nitpicking Daddy" and went that route. Things were going really well until, I deliberatly found fault at something that was not really a problem so I could fullfill the role that I thought we wanted me to fullfill and this made her upset.

What is the best way to get the information I need to continue my role in a pleasurable way for both of us with out actually saying "hey which way should I play this"? Is it appropriate in the beggining to ask for a "vanilla moment" so that we can clear up our guidelines etc.?

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 1:50:17 PM

mnottertail

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talk more before hand, this is a decent use of safewords...

green keep going
yellow caution
red stop everything right now
blue dont go there
whatever.......................
or

talk more before hand, and be prepared to laugh at human foible...

knowledge is more important than the vice presidency (I just made that up)

Ron

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 1:52:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rabiddogg
What is the best way to get the information I need to continue my role in a pleasurable way for both of us with out actually saying "hey which way should I play this"? Is it appropriate in the beggining to ask for a "vanilla moment" so that we can clear up our guidelines etc.?

For strict role play situations, it's best to discuss it before the scene commences. Go over your expectations, what you envision. You don't have to create a script to act out, but more an understanding of perspectives. Especially in the case of dealing with a spoiled brat who will do anything they can to manipulate you.

Once you've done that and the scene still goes bad- retreat to secure ground. Go back over something you've already done that worked out well and then build on that.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 2:48:44 PM

rabiddogg

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It was not geared to a specific role playing situation but rather then main roles we would be playing. She had said that she liked playing the brat, so I was going to assume the role of Daddy each time. This was a brand new relationship and we decided to ease into the roles via light role play on IM chat and we were going to go "live" next weekend.

I think I should have been more vauge until I was sure and then zeroed in on the proper role. She is thinking it over now and may or may not decide to continue down the path (I hope she does), but live and learn I guess.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 2:58:01 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rabiddogg
It was not geared to a specific role playing situation but rather then main roles we would be playing. She had said that she liked playing the brat, so I was going to assume the role of Daddy each time. This was a brand new relationship and we decided to ease into the roles via light role play on IM chat and we were going to go "live" next weekend.

I think I should have been more vauge until I was sure and then zeroed in on the proper role. She is thinking it over now and may or may not decide to continue down the path (I hope she does), but live and learn I guess.

I gotta say if a chick got so upset that a cyber scene didn't work out perfectly and that's enough to get her to stop moving forward in the relationship...it might just be for the best. Heaven forbid you make a mistake in actual space.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 2:59:01 PM

RavenMuse

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OK maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick here but 'roles'?

How about be yourself and let the dynamic that is there naturaly between the two of you flow and create the role/style/flavour/whatever you want to lable it as of the relationship.... one assumes she was drawn to you because of who you are rather than your potential to play a role? Unless she held a casting call and you auditioned for the 'role' of being her Dom?

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 3:03:08 PM

MistressOfGa

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quote:

I gotta say if a chick got so upset that a cyber scene didn't work out perfectly and that's enough to get her to stop moving forward in the relationship...it might just be for the best. Heaven forbid you make a mistake in actual space.

I agree 100%. But then again, I dont like cyber-play. There is nothing that can replace real time. Good luck to you though.

On a side note: RavenMuse, are you stalking me? lol Nice to "see" you here :)

< Message edited by MistressOfGa -- 6/5/2006 3:04:44 PM >

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/5/2006 3:12:08 PM

rabiddogg

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I think thats what did it. I stopped being 100% me. I naturally float towards the kind gentle Daddy role, but I guess I was looking to intesify it a little bit too much.

Thanks for your help, as always.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/6/2006 2:31:49 AM

krikket

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In a safe and non-judgemental environment, ask her what she thought and how to make it better. Y'also might make time to discuss how the cyber rehersal went, both what seemed to work well and what didn't, and go from there. Please remember, however, that the timing will be different, the scents and touches and whatever else will have a texture to it that cyber, just by it's nature, is vastly different.

Good luck this with Your scene, and please, if you can, i'd love to know how it went...

cheers
jimini

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/6/2006 3:32:07 AM

Focus50

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Not being judgemental but this "more experienced Dom" prefers to keep it simple and (drum roll; this is the *biggy*) REAL. And I don't just mean real time.... I don't do "cyber" and though there's always things to be discussed at the start of any new relationship, I don't then "assume" a role like it's theatre and neither does any sub I'd call my own. I'm male, hetero and dominant, always was, and I fully expect her to be female, preferably hetero and submissive.

Having that as the established foundation, basically all we do is be ourselves. Our relationship dynamic is that I'm in control and she serves and obeys. Concocting and contriving punishment scenarios etc has a limited "use by date" before intelligent people tire of them or fall into a trap of trying to maintain the pace and interest. You lose all sense of balance and perspective when you actually permit your sub to act out so you can punish her. She gets confused and ultimately disrespectful because she doesn't see the ante of her misbehaviour being upped over time (esp as you've permitted it beforehand) and you get frustrated and miserable because you can't seem to stop or control her anymore....

Frankly, there's enough in the everyday life of a D/s based relationship for you both to exercise your roles without the fool's gold of "permitted" brattiness being introduced. And if I do want more, my role dictates I can just get out the ropes, whips or whatever and "jump her through hoops" anyway - and reward or punish on her REAL performance.

What is or isn't inappropriate is entirely for you two to decide. But as the dom, you should lead and tell her the things you do expect. Even if you lack the experience to articulate what you want, the honesty of saying so is still leading and deserving of respect.... If you really do like pretend theatre, go for it - but few do once they've had a taste of the consequences. My advice is always to keep it real - first objective (assuming there's enough of a connection to proceed) is to actually meet.

Focus.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/6/2006 8:34:24 AM

OedipusRexIt

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[/quote]
I gotta say if a chick got so upset that a cyber scene didn't work out perfectly and that's enough to get her to stop moving forward in the relationship...it might just be for the best. Heaven forbid you make a mistake in actual space.
[/quote]

I think this statement sums it up. It's best to pay attention to the signs, even when they don't point in the direction you'd like to go.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/6/2006 8:42:53 PM

Estring

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I don't think a relationship involves assuming roles. You need to be real people.
If you are talking about a playtime thing, then you set up the guidelines.

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RE: Which Path to go? - 6/8/2006 2:52:53 AM

LaMalinche

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How do you do that online is my first question.

And for my second, how much did you talk about expectations before hand? It is not a Dom or Sub thing to talk about what each person is wanting or to find out information.

Comunicate more before you play next time.

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