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hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 2:36:38 AM

marriedave

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline

This is pretty scary.

No, it's really, really scary.

Seriously, I haven't ever done this before, and it could cause folks that I love deeply to be hideously hurt if I did this wrong.

I am a married guy, who, for reasons that aren't anybody's business, strays about once a year. It's a medical reason (cancer), and my wife knows about my cheating. She doesn't want to hear about it, however, and I CERTAINLY don't want our peers to know about it. My sweetie doesn't want to talk about it either. It's just that sometimes I go out to get what she can no longer give me.

Once a year, for a week or two, I have a lover.

Until a few years ago, I didn't actually realize that she needed to be dominated. The sex was good, and we always had a great time. I even took her boy (not my kid) to baseball games, and he calls me "Uncle Dave." The deal has been that if she finds a man to keep, then she will drop me (with my blessings), but, until then, we are once a year lovers, and I overdo it with the Christmas gifts to the "Street Urchin" (her boy).

I have known for a long time that her kink is such that if I grab her shoulders and push her into a wall, in a particular way, she gets super, super turned on. Last year, we sat down and had a long talk.

Please understand. She and I have been trysting since before I married, twenty years ago, and it took her a long time to open up to me.

But she is a classic submissive, with a few of what I consider unusual specific triggers. She has trusted a few guys (and girls) in the past, and she has never been happy with the outcome.

She does, however, trust me, and I really don't want to hurt her (emotionally or socially, she kind of likes the belt).

I want to do right by her.

I think it would be a good thing for me to find people who have the same kinks, and talk about what to do, and what not to do.

Post #: 1

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 3:04:30 AM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

Best of luck

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 2

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 6:30:47 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marriedave

I think it would be a good thing for me to find people who have the same kinks, and talk about what to do,
and what not to do.

Welcome to the message board, Dave. There are alot of kinky folk here, and alot of discussions about kink.
You can start finding info by using the search feature in the upper right corner of this site and typing in
some keywords associated with your kink. If you have specific questions, feel free to visit the other areas of the board,
such as General BDSM, Ask A Master etc, and start your own thread. There's no need to be scared. Most are here to help.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 3

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 6:43:43 AM

ashjor911

Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline

Welcome

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"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 4

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 6:59:54 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Wow, Dave. You're in a bit of a spot. Normally, I'd suggest going as a couple to play parties and watching and learning, but with your quiet, gentle personality, I predict an experienced Dom would try to cut in and steal your sub from you.

I assume that, when you state that you're with her one or two weeks a year, that this is time off from work, and you have to move out of your city to be with her.

I'd suggest watching BDSM porn together and seeing what turns you on and what turns her on.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ashjor911)

Post #: 5

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 9:46:11 AM

marriedave

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline

Dark Steven,

I am going to go out on a limb and predict that having somebody "take my sub away" wont be an issue, and if it works out that way, it wont be a problem. Seriously, if she finds somebody that can care for her and The Urchin, well, I have a responsibility get the heck out of the way and let her get on with her life.

I wont be taking her to any couples play parties, because I have a responsibility to protect her "cover".

Honestly, I am a professional musician (which is how I met M) and I am simply not ego attached to keeping a woman. Most women use musicians in exactly the same way they use public toilets. Welcome relief, but not something that they really need to take care of.

I honestly DO love it when her voice drops three octaves, and she slips into the "I'm his" zone. It's not about possession, except on a superficial level, and if M breaks off from me, well, that is one less problem. I am not worried that M will run off and make me feel like less of a man.

But she is mine, and, after the things that I have made her do, she deserves to have me at least TRY to do my part of this stuff right.

I want to do this right. I want to surprise her, then shock her, then scare her, and finally, to own her. Afterwards, I want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle her while she cries. She is a really great person, and she deserves for her men to treat her with care.

So, I am here, looking to ask people for advice.

And I am not that quiet and gentle.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/6/2012 9:57:58 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marriedave

Dark Steven,

I am going to go out on a limb and predict that having somebody "take my sub away" wont be an issue, and if it works out that way, it wont be a problem. Seriously, if she finds somebody that can care for her and The Urchin, well, I have a responsibility get the heck out of the way and let her get on with her life.

I wont be taking her to any couples play parties, because I have a responsibility to protect her "cover".

Honestly, I am a professional musician (which is how I met M) and I am simply not ego attached to keeping a woman. Most women use musicians in exactly the same way they use public toilets. Welcome relief, but not something that they really need to take care of.

I honestly DO love it when her voice drops three octaves, and she slips into the "I'm his" zone. It's not about possession, except on a superficial level, and if M breaks off from me, well, that is one less problem. I am not worried that M will run off and make me feel like less of a man.

But she is mine, and, after the things that I have made her do, she deserves to have me at least TRY to do my part of this stuff right.

I want to do this right. I want to surprise her, then shock her, then scare her, and finally, to own her. Afterwards, I want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle her while she cries. She is a really great person, and she deserves for her men to treat her with care.

So, I am here, looking to ask people for advice.

And I am not that quiet and gentle.

So do just that. I think when you are having your intimate time, just go with what feels good. Dominants aren't mind readers. Communication is a good key. The BDSM porn was a great idea, watch her reaction to certain things in the porn. We tell you guys everything with our body language. Good luck and welcome.

_____________________________

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The working Fin Domme
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Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 7

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/7/2012 6:42:19 AM

OohAahMrs

Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline

Welcome dave, can't help you. On the other hand, if you take my advice, someone might hurt, physically or mentally!

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You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 8

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/7/2012 11:07:00 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I want to do this right. I want to surprise her, then shock her, then scare her, and finally, to own her. Afterwards, I want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle her while she cries. She is a really great person, and she deserves for her men to treat her with care.

Up to this point, I was more sympathetic than I usually am to married cheaters. Since we're in Introductions, I'll limit myself to suggesting you find out more about the concept of ownership before you strive for this with someone you see once per year.

I think she and her son would be better served if she was emotionally free to find a real relationship, and she will be less so if you travel down this path.

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 9

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/7/2012 6:23:37 PM

marriedave

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline

Kali,

I would appreciate it if you didn't limit yourself.

Like I said, I am a professional musician. That's a lifetime of degradation, humiliation, and then a sensible dinner. It is unlikely that a person could hurt my feelings without special training.

Though, thinking about it, there are probably a lot of people on this board that do have such training.

Nonetheless, I have my big girl pants on.

But, point taken, It is a good idea to research such specific terms before I use them

Dave

< Message edited by marriedave -- 5/7/2012 6:24:08 PM >

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 10

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/7/2012 6:36:00 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Heehee

I tried and failed to find a link on "BDSM ownership." Perhaps someone else will oblige. I also tried to find any of JeffBC's many posts about owning Carol, but the search feature here is ... special.

Stick around and keep an eye out for JeffBC's and Kana's posts (on ownership, not blowtorches or staple guns

)

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 11

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/7/2012 9:56:39 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

Hi Dave,

Are you ready, willing and able to take her on as anything more than the once-a-year?

If not, DON'T. GO. THERE.

It is sweet that you want to accommodate her and make her happy, it really is. However, you would be rocking the boat you're in.

Whichever way you play it, the likelihood is it will leave her wanting more than your current arrangements and that's not fair. It'll be even worse because you were trying to be nice. Think of it as being given a glimpse of the only cake in the world you've ever wanted, and having it taken away. It doesn't matter what you guys have discussed or agreed on, the heart does what the heart does.

Kinky sexual play is probably not such a problem, and my suggestion on that front is to look up on the stuff you might want to try then come back to these forums and ask :)

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 12

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 5:33:06 AM

OohAahMrs

Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline

What's going on dave? Now your strumming a guitar.

_____________________________

You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

(in reply to marriedave)

Post #: 13

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 8:51:20 AM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

Best of luck in your journey.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to OohAahMrs)

Post #: 14

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 4:06:03 PM

nequam

Posts: 20
Joined: 5/2/2012
Status: offline

Hi Dave,

welcome. The "I'm his" zone is called subspace.

(in reply to Delilya)

Post #: 15

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 5:02:08 PM

marriedave

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OohAahMrs

What's going on dave? Now your strumming a guitar.

Well, I updated my profile to include a picture. It's the picture I use on all my on line stuff.

I am a musician and a MA instructor. Profile pictures that include somebody breaking a board, or trying to look cool in Japanese pajamas always look a bit dorky, so mine includes me strumming a guitar. I get paid for it, so it's fair.

D

(in reply to OohAahMrs)

Post #: 16

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 8:13:57 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Heehee

I tried and failed to find a link on "BDSM ownership." Perhaps someone else will oblige. I also tried to find any of JeffBC's many posts about owning Carol, but the search feature here is ... special.

Stick around and keep an eye out for JeffBC's and Kana's posts (on ownership, not blowtorches or staple guns )

Whatcha got against little things like blowtorches, eh?

Sheesh, see if I ever mention the many myriad fun things one can do with a table vice...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: hi, I guess I am here looking for advice. - 5/8/2012 10:01:28 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Delilya

Gawd, ain't that the truth. As a musician, I resemble that remark! (Though I don't have to use music to get sex!)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta
Whichever way you play it, the likelihood is it will leave her wanting more than your current arrangements and that's not fair. It'll be even worse because you were trying to be nice. Think of it as being given a glimpse of the only cake in the world you've ever wanted, and having it taken away. It doesn't matter what you guys have discussed or agreed on, the heart does what the heart does.

Alecta has completely nailed it. D/s relationships can become intensely, uncontrollably bonding (really, no pun intended). Take heed, and get this discussion out in the open with your friend. Ask 'what if we embark on this path to discover either or both of us feels compelled to color outside agreed on lines?' Put a plan in place, because once the snowball starts rolling it can become an avalanche in the blink of an eye.

Best of luck to all concerned, and welcome to the forums.

(in reply to Delilya)

Post #: 18

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