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A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 10:11:51 PM   
masterdeltafire


Posts: 81
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		I am going to lay out a perfectly hypothetical situation.  This also is more of me trying to clear my head, and also since the other person in question will read this, I need advice on this hypothetical situation.

Let's say you meet a one in a billion perfect match.  She is 21, but also 1,200 miles away.  As a Dom, since both want to meet, after knowing each other on phone and online for nearly a month, you are willing to meet on her home ground (which is currently kentucky for the summer).

Early on, after spending about 8 hours per day online and 3-5 hours on phone with her, both calling each other, you as a Dom have a good feeling things may well just work out.

You have already sent up a necklace and a teddybear, to give her something to hold in her arms, and also know she is protected and cared for.  This was done knowing the separation anxiety is particulily hard on the girl because she has not had many relationships.  

Now, both of you are ready to meet, and ahree it is her home turf on the meeting for first time.

The nearest airport either north of her or south (since she is in a small town and the closest major airport would be a hour south of her), you are told even still you would need to rent a car (after flying into her home turf) to come up there to rent a hotel and be with her.  Flying is the most expensive method.

The same scenario of waiting to check into a hotel applies (meaning once checked in she comes to the hotel, since she is too frightened i guess is the best word..) to taking a bus up there.

The third option is renting a car and going up there, and still meeting at the hotel, on the assumption on all three possibilities she comes to the hotel to meet.

The main part of her mindset, being at a summer job and about 3 hours away from her bdsm group and ones she knows, is she is out of range of them, and believes she does not have her "security blanket" on at least meeting at the airport or the bus station (both public places mind you) to lead someone to the hotel knowing they have never been in the area to begin with.

Now, obviously the Dom is doing everything to find a way to make this work out. 

But let's just reverse the hypothetical situation.  Let's say she is coming down into my area.  Whether bus, airport taxi or what not, yes I would meet and pick her up and show her the way in, knowing full well she has never been to houston.  I have no problems with this, also letting her have safe calls to one of her friends both as soon as she arrives and as soon as she is at either the hotel in my area or  my place.  I also have no problems on a daily safe call to a friend to check up on things, being this is a first meeting.


Now, let's say you are the Dom this is happening with.  Obviously, on this scenario it is pretty one sided, despite on phone and online mutual commitment.  All you have is the girl's word she will meet you at the hotel (up n kentucky).  Considering the entire situation on this, considering you are in teritory you have never been in,  since bus trip probably will be the option chosen or flying (knowing your options are limited perhaps by credit on renting a car).  Do you still go up there on essentially a leap of faith trusting the girl to be at the hotel, when she cannot trust you enough to pick yu up at either the bus station or airport?

Thoughts and comments welcome.  Personally, would love to hear on all sides of this, because I know if i were flying, driving etc i would want more than just the cell phone number and  a promise to meet at the hotel room,when she is too frightened to meet at the airport or bus station to guide one in. Again let me emphesise this is on her home ground to begin with on the meeting and you have no clue even where the nearest hotel to her would be, let alone how to find it (mapquest but still shakey knowing thei are not usually accurate).

Thanks all
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 10:24:48 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, I am going to try and take a shot at this.
 
Let's see, I am putting myself in the Dominants position, going to see the submissive. I fly in ( or drive if I feel like taking a good long drive  ), I rent a car, I get my room at the hotel. I go and  meet her at some other pre-arranged place. I would not expect, nor ask, that she come meet me at the hotel.
On the leap of faith part here; I would find out what 'cool' spots are in the area that I was going to (musuems, concerts ? etc ). If it's a no show...take a tour of a place you have never been and enjoy yourself. If it's not a no-show, take a tour with her and enjoy yourself.
 
Next scenario: Submissive comes to visit you ( Dominant ). I ( being the dominant ) would make sure she had a good list of reputable hotels; I would either pick her up ( if she felt comfortable with this ) or she rents a car and drives to the hotel. Meet a pre-arranged spot ( not the hotel ).
 
Another option you could consider is: you both meet halfway.

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~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 10:38:25 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		I'm feeling like if this were me, and I had so many doubts...I'd be wondering why i was willing to do all this in the first place.

Looking at this from the outside, I have to say I think the girl is being rather...well, stupid.  Why would she feel safer at a hotel than in an airport or bus station where there are a large number of people, witnesses really, if anything should happen to go sour.

I met my current partner out shopping, he approached me, we began talking, we kept in touch for about a month afterward and then he came to be approved by my parents and we went out to dinner...but he'd gotten a hotel room and I decided I would go with the flow because for some reason I just ::knew:: I could trust him and let's just say my parents strongly disapproved and that's putting it very mildly lol  In hindsight, i can see it could have been a stupid decision, yet i knew from when i'd met him and the conversations we'd had...I just knew he wouldn't hurt me and was everything he said he was.  I do see that i was very, very fortunate things turned out as they did with us.  So, due to that, I definitely understand where your girl is coming from,b ut at the same time, she's never met you face to face and I think it's looking into someone's eyes that you really get to ::know:: them...so she's taking a huge risk.

On your side, also a huge risk, I'm not counting you out and agree it's an awful lot for you to just jump into blindly, which brings me back to the starting point.  If you're this worried, what in the hell makes you want to go? lol 

Have either of you met anyone from online before?  If not, maybe you should take more time, a month is a very short time in the greater scheme of things, don't you think?  Wait ti out until there's a more solid and trustworthy foundation and see if things don't get better, achieve a better compromise and doubt subsides.

My opinion may be biased as I've never met anyone from online and am very, very wary of it all to begin with.  Best wishes, and do hope you're not just being toyed with, you seem to be a stand-up guy and deserve to have someone equally committed and honest.  Fear can be overcome with time and trust, but deceit is eternally part of the soul...I do hope it's not part of hers

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 10:42:21 PM   
xxmstrchasxx


Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

you are told even still you would need to rent a car (after flying into her home turf) to come up there to rent a hotel and be with her


MasterDeltaFire, she doesn't have a car? And if she does have a car why couldn't she drive a hour away and have a safe call after you went 1200 miles to meet her?

I met my sub online and we talked like you but for 3 months instead of one.  We had everything planned, I picked her up at the airport which was 3 hours away.  We had already picked the hotel and she even had a safe call which I insisted on.  She flew over 3000 miles to see me so the least I could do is make a 3 hour drive to pick her up, don't you think?

Something just doesn't seem right to me in your case though.  Just my opinion, if I understand it.  Why do you only have her cell phone number?  Is she in a relationship now?  Married?  Only phone she has?  Would make it very easy for her not to show up at all. 

Why couldn't she go to the airport and meet you?  After all, you did go 1200 miles to see her.  If she isn't from the area and doesn't have transportation, that is one thing but if she does and still can't drive an hour South to meet you at the airport,,,how come?

Some of this just doesn't make sense to me.

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 10:44:04 PM   
NCSilverWolves


Posts: 123
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		What to do....what to do. ............ Actually it sounds to me that it's too soon for a ldr meeting. Someone... on one side or the other... is having trust issues. It's gonna be pricey either way. So if neither can  really afforded the trip... the half way mark seems reasonable to me as well. A mutual place where it's not on anyones home ground and both can feel safe in public places. A mini vacation for both. If one doesn't show... then the other can stay.... have fun.... or leave.

It took Wolf about 6 months to meet me. By the time I felt it was right.... he was knocking on my front door. Some like to meet as soon as possible.. I prefer getting to know more about someone before even a public meeting. With the workings of cams... phones...voice chat... makes it a little more fairly easier now a days... than spending alot of money to run off and meet someone for a no show. But then again... that's just me.

Edited to add after re-reading OP.... whole thing sounds funny to me....  I would put it off.  Won't meet publically but will privately for first meeting? Granted Wolf knocked on my front door.... in broad day light... and I had people over. Stood out side for first 30 mins.... hell for first 15 mins I was on phone with my brother telling him that Wolf actually showed up...LOL


< Message edited by NCSilverWolves -- 6/5/2006 10:48:56 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/5/2006 11:19:40 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline 		OK, I know I am a different gender but here goes.....I have talked to a male submissive for about a month on irc, and had seen him on web cam 2 times, while he only had pictures of me.  After a week and half, we got along well enough and he was looking to possibly relocate to another area from Tuscon Arizona, so he worked overtime to be able to purchase an airplane ticket to my state of Alabama(at this time obviously I only had his word about the overtime and the finances). We also talked on the phone quite a bit the first two weeks, me calling him every time, with the number restricted.,  He had my cell number,(only "knowing" because I said it was) that but never verified it by calling it. Last Friday he flew into a town about 3 hours away from my hometown, as closer airports were much too expensive.  I rented a car, and went by myself to pick him up.  The smartest thing to do in the way of safety.  Probably not...am I a firm believer in safe calls, etc? Absolutely.  I had someone to call when he got in the car.  He did not.  The fact that he is male and I am female truly doesn't apply either, I could have been a homicidal maniac.  He took a total leap of faith, as he did not have an address for me, just a town, and if I wouldn't have shown up would have been up a huge creek.  If you had asked me my thoughts on whether I would have been on one side of this a few months ago, I would have never thought it possible.  The time we did talk, on line, phone , and such firmly planted if nothing else, the safety of one another. (Fortunately, smiles, in our case, it is working out very well, especially since an 11 day visit) If you truly spent this much time conversing with her, and she will supposedly meet you PRIVATELY but not publicly, for fear of safety? I see red flags all over the place, insofar as her showing up.  If you have doubts, there may a reason why, seems you have a gut feeling here.  I will say although I thought I would NEVER take that leap of faith, and he wouldn't normally, sometimes you just "know" its right.  I have to say though, if it was me doing the traveling, I personally would have a back up plan on what to do with myself, as was suggested earlier, and would know exactly where I was going. Surely she is going to tell you the name of the hotel, and in addition to mapquest, there should be local maps for sale that are accurate.  That way, worst case scenario, you know where you are going. That would be a personal requirement for me for my peace of mind.  That way, if she didn't show up, I would still not be adrift.

Here is another idea.....even thought summer may seem like a long time, but, what is wrong waiting for summer to pass and her to get nearer to her group for her comfort of mind? Granted, I didn't wait but I didn't have your doubts.  I wish you the best, and good luck with your decision.

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to NCSilverWolves)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 1:38:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If you live in a larger city with an airport within driving distance of you perhaps she could fly where you are?

Personally I have no problem meeting someone in a well lit public place.. such as a restaurant. I have the safest of safe calls. One of them is my best friend who is also a submissive, the other is my mother. I would think that the least she could do if you were flying out to meet her is to meet you a few hours drive away.

I would consider giving her your personal info and showing her your ID. The person I am seeing now gave me his license number before we went from the restaurant to other places, and I gave this to my mother and my best friend also. Perhaps she may feel more secure if she can check who you are? It might make her feel better about meeting you since you are so far away.

I have met someone once with that kind of distance involved. I flew out to be with him, we had been talking for a couple of years, not a couple of months, and I had all his info beforehand also. I can tell you, I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS do that again.. too much distance and it was too hard and I got my heart broken for my time and trouble... but everyone is different.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 2:40:41 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		If in doubt, you're not ready.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:03:49 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		Masterd

YOur one hell of a good master to go through all of this for her.
I want to say this i have been talking this one submissive for at least 6 months
he is smart and we can talk about anything and we both knew all of the answer. we had the same
mind set. So i began to trust him he lives not far from me at all. We had set up a date all was going well
until he did not show up. I took it as he was scare and this was his first time as a submissive. So i forgive him well this happen 5 times lol i just thought nothing of it until yesterday he plan a trip to the
planteray and oh he talk and then he said i need some sleep so i will not br groppy with you
a light left off in my head, he always said oh we can get married, and use your voice to
have men pay you another light went off. He was playing games he thought i was so wanting of
a submissive i would do anything and sit and wait for him. It is my own fault when he did not show up for
dates i should had just stop speaking and move on. but he has a sick older mother( which now i think is a lie)
he scare me i had that women sense of something was so wrong. I wrote him a long letter and told him
never to call or write. But she may not be this type but i have learn a lesson. He has done this before he is a game player one of those who laughs at oh wow i had her waiting for me and she did , but not really i am not mad at him i am indifferent to the whole thing so your letter made me think it should be half and half even though you the man she should make some effort at it too. Good luck wow someone is going to really enjoy your kind and masterful ways. your a stand up guy

best wishes mons/jane

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:08:15 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		It just seems all backwards to me, she will meet you at the hotel, not the airport.  I would be wary traveling that far for something that has got you already thinking this hard about it.

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Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:19:34 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		Given the percentage of those that I've talked to online who either flake or are no shows at potential meetings and are local,  I'd have to say I'd be utterly unwilling to travel 1200 miles to meet a potential flake/no show.   Waste of my time and money.   I just don't invest much into a "relationship" until I've spent time with someone face to face - so yes, that pretty much puts long distance out of the running anymore.

That said - clearly she has some trust issues.   It's either too soon because you haven't been talking long enough;  or because she's misrepresented herself;  if she's new to this she probably has a lot of self doubt, or any number of reasons.  If you want to continue to pursue her, back up, slow down, limit your time to talking online/phone to an hour a day; but most of all give yourself some emotional distance.   She's not the perfect sub until you've spent a LOT of face time together any more that you're the perfect dom for her, and don't convince yourself otherwise. 



_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to cuddleheart50)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:27:26 AM   
sabswife


Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		i have to agree with the people who state that if you are in doubt you aren't ready.  i met my Dom online and when it came time for us to meet the first time, there was no fear at all, and i am a terrible pessimist most of the time.  i picked Him up at the airport with a friend (i don't drive) and we came right back to my house, alone.

i do agree with being safe, but i think if there is this much hesistation with the meeting, then no, you aren't ready.

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."


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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:42:27 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		The expectation to have someone meet you at your hotel for a first meeting is ludicrous, I don't care how far you travel.  First meetings should always occur in a public place such as  restaurant with no expectation of anything but dinner.

I know a man who flew a woman in to see him that he'd been talking with online and by phone for 2 years.  He showed up at the airport, took one look at her and left her standing there.  Why?  Because she'd apparently sent him a ten-year-old photo.  Yeah, it was a jerky thing for him to do and she'd flown a LONG way to see him. But she was just as wrong for misrepresenting herself to him.

The point is, for either side, you never know what's going to be waiting for you.  Be smart, be safe and most of all, be understanding of the other person.  Don't assume because you've gotten along great on the phone and online that you will face to face.  Also, taking the expectation of play out of a first meeting goes a long way toward making nervous people feel better.  That's the reason for meeting at a public place, rather than the hotel.

Some people, of course, have never had a problem and good for them.  But it's not that way for everyone. 

Besides, aren't you the one that just a month ago was "screaming bloody murder" and punching holes in the walls because someone you'd trained online for 8 months decided to drop you?  See the following thread to refresh your memory...
http://www.collarchat.com/m_352660/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#352660

And a month and a half ago, still feeling shattered and torn over losing another slave? See the following thread:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_329482/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#329482

Seems these wounds have healed magically and quickly.


_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 3:57:12 AM   
SaphireLynn


Posts: 145
Joined: 2/15/2005
Status: offline 		My worry is that if she does not want to meet you in a public place like the airport or bus station, but would rather meet you in a private place like a hotel then something is wrong. What is she hiding? I would never meet with someone without having all thier information. I always ask for a copy of the DL to be sent to Me and I send Mine to them. The first meeting should be done in pubic where there is a safety factor for both. She may not be playing those silly little games alot of them do on here, but you never know so you just might be out all the money for nothing. Just some food for thought.


_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
~~~Anne Bronte~~~
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(in reply to sabswife)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 4:54:51 AM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		What is the worst that can happen, she stands you up?

She sounds like the girl you have always wanted to meet.

Tell her to set up safe calls and meet you at the airport.

You can buy her a disposable cell phone with prepay minutes so she can call every 6 minutes from the car after picking you up from the bus station or airport.

She should also have run a criminal background checkon you and vice versa, you should insist and give her the money to do so (it is inexpensive) .

I hope you go meet her and it turns out wonderfully that is alot better than spending your life saying.. what if....

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 5:39:31 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		I don't understand what the big deal is.  There are a thousand and one ways to check out a person and their background now.  You don't even need her SS#.  If you make sure you have her name, real phone number and address, you can check up on her for a very small fee from any of the investigational services on-line.  For instance, you can find out if she is married, if she really lives where she says she does, who the phone number is registered to, etc.

I would insist that she meet me at the airport (or bus station) however.  If you go that far for her, even if she doesn't have a vehicle, I'd make sure SHE rented one to get the short distance to you since YOU are the one traveling so far.  If she isn't willing to do that, she isn't willing to make many sacrifices for you.  Big red flag that this could turn out to be a one-sided relationship.  The question then becomes: Are you that desperate?


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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RE: A hypothetical case: Meeting for first time. - 6/6/2006 6:10:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If she's adult enough to make these choices, then she's adult enough to meet you.

Why don't you both drive half the distance and stay in separate hotels?

Personally I'd wonder why a 21 year old had so much time to be online and the phone everyday...and frankly getting involved with a young person who is ALSO a novice to the scene is like taking a 100 to 1 shot that you will be "the one" for her, but if you think it's worth it, then go for it. 

How you arrange and get the first meet going is a huge indicator of how the nature of the relationship will flow going forward.  If you can't even trust eachother and relax enough to make plans for this- what does that say about the level of the relationship?

Making a trip to see someone you seriously want to see should NOT be a big deal in today's world if you're the type of person who has the leisure time and inclination to spend time on a online discussion forum.  Lay out the options to her, tell her you need to pick one, discuss the different options and then at the end of the day, make a choice.

If you can't make a choice at that point, you just aren't ready to meet.  Stay friends online and then schedule another meeting once she's back in her safety blanket. (OK I understand that's just not going to happen, you'll keep cyber domming her and she'll keep feeling insecure...but my advice is still good)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
Profile   Post #: 17
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