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couples growth - 5/14/2012 6:35:17 AM

sexyMSN

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I am a owned sub/slut. I am wondering if it is common to fall in love and if marriage is possible for the couples growth in BDSM

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 6:39:58 AM

JanahX

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I am wondering if it is common to fall in love

yes

and if marriage is possible for the couples growth in BDSM

if thats what both parties want out of the relationship- then yes.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 7:21:44 AM

DarkDreems

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It is a relationship. It contains whatever the parties want. In vanilla relationships people are more likely to keep their mouths shut and hope it works out. You are in a D/s relationship, which means communication is central to it. You actually get to talk about things that matter to you in the relationship.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 7:33:28 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDreems

It is a relationship. It contains whatever the parties want. In vanilla relationships people are more likely to keep their mouths shut and hope it works out. You are in a D/s relationship, which means communication is central to it. You actually get to talk about things that matter to you in the relationship.

Your impression of vanilla relationships make me sad. The vanilla relationships that surround me (parents, friends, grandparents) are filled with meaningful communication and people talking about what matters. Good communication is a feature in all successful and fulfilling relationships. There's an odd culture that just because we're kinky, we're somehow better.

OP - there are lots of loving relationships and marriages in BDSM. I'm in one of them. As long as you and you partner want the same thing, you can have whatever you like.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 7:45:14 AM

littlewonder

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I would hope so!

Again for the trillionth time....a bdsm relationship is not any different from any other relationship on the planet.

Master and I love each other very much and marriage is possible in bdsm. Why wouldn't it be????

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 7:47:09 AM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDreems

It is a relationship. It contains whatever the parties want. In vanilla relationships people are more likely to keep their mouths shut and hope it works out. You are in a D/s relationship, which means communication is central to it. You actually get to talk about things that matter to you in the relationship.

If you don't have this in a "vanilla" relationship then that says a whole lot why you turned to bdsm to magically fix your relationships.

"Vanilla" relationships have that open communication also. Look at my post above about being no different.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 9:14:26 AM

DarkDreems

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Look P/people, as much as I've quickly come to recognize that there is a core 20 or 30 people on this site who take great glee and personal validation from jumping down O/other's throats for bothering to comment on questions, frankly stop going to such effort to read your own biases into a simple response. It isn't exactly news that in D/s relationships we emphasize discussing personally difficult things. Sure, some vanilla relationships do that, and should... any relationship benefits from that. However, in D/s relationships we tend to just not accept excuses for _not_ having the communication. There is no magical fix. Your exaggerated response tells me a great deal about you. You, knowing _nothing_ about me, form your biases in darkness. Enjoy the lack of light.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 9:17:53 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I know more than a few longtime happy d/s couples. As has been said, it's a RELATIONSHIP. The d/s and s/m stuff is an extra layer, it's not a substitute for anything, and it doesn't mean that the everyday things don't still happen.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 9:25:17 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyMSN
I am a owned sub/slut. I am wondering if it is common to fall in love and if marriage is possible for the couples growth in BDSM

yes, by a vast majority, most folks seem to combine love and kink and authority into some package that works for them.

Whether or not marriage supports "growth in BDSM" would be very dependent on how you defined "growth in BDSM". If you're idea of that mirrors Story of O then I'd say marriage works against it. If your view of "growth in BDSM" is looking at something more realistic then I'd say marriage can be very supportive.... well... not so much marriage as just plain old time. Over time, "trust" gets replaced by "knowledge".

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 9:27:04 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDreems

Look P/people, as much as I've quickly come to recognize that there is a core 20 or 30 people on this site who take great glee and personal validation from jumping down O/other's throats for bothering to comment on questions, frankly stop going to such effort to read your own biases into a simple response. It isn't exactly news that in D/s relationships we emphasize discussing personally difficult things. Sure, some vanilla relationships do that, and should... any relationship benefits from that. However, in D/s relationships we tend to just not accept excuses for _not_ having the communication. There is no magical fix. Your exaggerated response tells me a great deal about you. You, knowing _nothing_ about me, form your biases in darkness. Enjoy the lack of light.

I find your post rather ironic. The very thing you are suggesting that people not do, based on your assumption, is what you are doing. I don't mean this as an attack... I am actually laughing and remembering a time or two when I have done such. I doubt that many that respond as you say they do, do it for personal validation or even bias. An opinion, just as you have given is what most give. Whether anyone feels it of worth or not or snarky verses funny, heartless or meatless or filled with both, is a personal opinion and how it is read or is in fact what you may think it is... however it is a public forum and life in general and people are people and do what they do.

I am in the group if you will, that believes people often make more of bdsm or d/s relationships than vanilla relationships and that is a faulty way of thinking per my understanding of relationships and the foundations of such. If one is more special than the other, other than in a personal manner... then there is something other than bdsm, d/s or vanilla causing that. Communication is communication and there is a lack of it in all sorts of relationships. It is a skill set that is needed in every aspect of life that I can think of. You either have it or you don't. It doesn't matter what you are doing, it is a matter of who you are and how you live your life and communicate that with another.

We have the same things going on in a relationship that others have from varying lifestyles or types of relationships.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 9:42:41 AM

DesFIP

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And of course the greater amount of communication in d/s relationships explain why the majority of them don't make a year.
Or perhaps you would like to rethink this?

A great many males define themselves as dominant precisely because they have no communication skills nor relationship skills and believe that they need only give orders without having to deal with the other person as a fully actualized human being as opposed to a living blow up doll.

A great many submissive males view dominant women as support systems for kink delivery on demand. Another viewpoint that lacks communication and relationship skills.

@op, some people get married and others don't. What does he say he's looking for? Because if he hasn't said he wants this, then he probably doesn't. Ask him.

Better you know the truth today and end it now rather than waste three more years before you find out that this relationship will never be the one you need.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 10:06:35 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyMSN

I am a owned sub/slut. I am wondering if it is common to fall in love and if marriage is possible for the couples growth in BDSM

I can't answer this in any definitive way. As so many things come down to...its up to the couple. Yes, I think it's rather common that I've seen long term D/s couples, then again I've also seen relationships fall apart- I'm not sure that the D/s group has a higher incidence of either sticking with things or breaking up than the general population. In my own life I've had a D/s relationship of a few years with someone, we love each other and our intentions are that this is it for both of us till we die. We're making plans that way. I live in the real world though, if we don't make it that far then so be it. He's more interested in becoming married than I am, we'll see...

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 10:13:44 AM

MadameM4U

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When one finds the relationship dynamic in which they "belong" and the person to whom they want to "belong" then yes, I think it would be common to fall in love and be married if marriage is what you both want.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 12:41:33 PM

LadyPact

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OP, how many folks at the last munch you went to are married? That right there should tell you the answer to your question. Just because they are D/s relationships doesn't mean that there can't be love or marriage involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDreems

Look P/people, as much as I've quickly come to recognize that there is a core 20 or 30 people on this site who take great glee and personal validation from jumping down O/other's throats for bothering to comment on questions, frankly stop going to such effort to read your own biases into a simple response. It isn't exactly news that in D/s relationships we emphasize discussing personally difficult things. Sure, some vanilla relationships do that, and should... any relationship benefits from that. However, in D/s relationships we tend to just not accept excuses for _not_ having the communication. There is no magical fix. Your exaggerated response tells me a great deal about you. You, knowing _nothing_ about me, form your biases in darkness. Enjoy the lack of light.

Ummmm, Dude. If you are noticing this in regard to your interactions with others on the boards, chances are, it's not the 20 or 30 other folks who have the issue. Just something to think about.

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RE: couples growth - 5/14/2012 7:26:09 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDreems
However, in D/s relationships we tend to just not accept excuses for _not_ having the communication.

Bullshit. I believe the failure rate is much higher in WIITWD. Most D/s relationships are velcro collars and genitals doing the thinking. I'd say at least half get to the 3 months mark and the realize that they don't even like the other person. Submissives think Doms can read their minds and Doms think it's an excuse to never have to explain or discuss anything.

A D/s relationship is a power dynamic, it's not anything mythical or magical. It requires effort. If you are unable to sustain a vanilla relationship, your chances are not any higher in a D/s relationship.

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RE: couples growth - 5/15/2012 8:30:52 AM

Greta75

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quote:

A great many males define themselves as dominant precisely because they have no communication skills nor relationship skills and believe that they need only give orders without having to deal with the other person as a fully actualized human being as opposed to a living blow up doll.

I can so relate to this statement, too bad I still can't get over this dom.

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RE: couples growth - 5/15/2012 3:13:09 PM

Just1on1

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It's nice to see a post without a load of pretense.

quote:

Your impression of vanilla relationships make me sad. The vanilla relationships that surround me (parents, friends, grandparents) are filled with meaningful communication and people talking about what matters. Good communication is a feature in all successful and fulfilling relationships. There's an odd culture that just because we're kinky, we're somehow better.

OP - there are lots of loving relationships and marriages in BDSM. I'm in one of them. As long as you and you partner want the same thing, you can have whatever you like.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

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RE: couples growth - 5/17/2012 12:46:15 AM

bostondom55

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Get married if you both want it. I am all for marriage, although I have some personal reservations about it. Legal marriage allows a number of special rights and responsibilities that are not allowed to unmarried couples, even when a will, medical directive, durable power of attorney and other documents are in place. Please speak with a financial planner and/or probate attorney to work out details related to marriage (or divorce) and clarifies what each party can expect. With that said, in a M/s relationship the Master has more power. Insuring that the marriage is financially and legally fair for both parties is very important (and subject to unfair actions by the Master) IMO.

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RE: couples growth - 5/17/2012 7:13:25 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

A great many males define themselves as dominant precisely because they have no communication skills nor relationship skills and believe that they need only give orders without having to deal with the other person as a fully actualized human being as opposed to a living blow up doll.

Ah, you've met my ex D