RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (Full Version)

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ourmsbetty -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 6:56:40 PM)

Dan Savage is an American cultural icon.

He's had a rather well known sex advice column for many, many years.

If he doesn't know something, he knows how to find an expert who does.

He's also a well know activist.

His column is called Savage Love.

It's both amusing and informative.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 6:58:29 PM)

Dan is also a dead wrong jerk sometimes...but he's a gay man with a dick, so he certainly Knows His Unit.



ourmsbetty -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 7:15:12 PM)

Yes, I do have to agree that sometimes he's an utter idiot.

i.e., the canned ham comment.

But I still feel he has some value sometimes.

Didn't he have something once about a guy using sandpaper and how that guy weaned himself of that particular habit?



PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 7:22:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty

Dan Savage is an American cultural icon.


Oh dear. Still, that doesn't mean that his opinions are necessarily entirely untrustworthy.



ourmsbetty -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 7:25:07 PM)

Just don't ask him for anatomy lessons....




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 7:33:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Peon, the op has stated that the only way he can orgasm is from very rough self handling. Obviously this wasn't your problem because you weren't doing that while asleep. So the cause of your problems is not the same as the cause of his.

He's assuming that there are only the two extremes; premature ejaculation or no ejaculation at all. Whereas that's not in the least true. But he doesn't want to hear it.

He hasn't stated if premature ejaculation has ever been a problem and he's afraid he'll start having it again. I think that we can assume this isn't so or he would have said so.

I could understand this lack of knowledge about sexuality in a high schooler but not in a 26 year old. He hasn't tried to learn about male sexuality. He hasn't talked to his doctor. He hasn't read any books. And he refuses to try anything different. To me, when someone refuses to make any attempts to change, it's because they're getting something from the status quo. What he's getting from staying like this and not talking to partners is not keeping a partner. I have to assume that if he really wanted something to change deep down, then he would take steps to make changes.

Now, due to my own experiences, I'm assuming that he wants to avoid emotional intimacy and that's why he won't make any changes or seek any help. He's sabotaging any chance at a relationship. But I don't view this as a sexual problem but an emotional one. The fact that he's using sex to cause this, is not to me, as important as the result he's getting. I have no doubt that if it wasn't sex, he would find another way to avoid having a relationship.



It's up to you, OP: Sexual problem or emotional problem.



PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:01:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I have no doubt that if it wasn't sex, he would find another way to avoid having a relationship.


That's quite a leap, Des. I think the average therapist would have to listen carefully to a client for quite some while before formulating that conclusion. My own, for instance, took some months before tentatively putting forward a suggestion. Yet, you've come up with it on the basis of the few paras provided by the OP?




PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:04:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaittx
It's up to you, OP: Sexual problem or emotional problem.


Pretty obviously both, to me. Are the two even separable?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:05:19 PM)

Yes.



PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:16:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Yes.


Of course they are - and indeed always are, in fact, in men. Silly me, I forgot. ;-)



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:20:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Yes.


Of course they are - and indeed always are, in fact, in men. Silly me, I forgot. ;-)


Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar, my Darling. :)



LadyPact -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:22:12 PM)

Not going to go quote happy here, but.........

Dan Savage?  I don't have the best opinion of him and I'll leave it at that. 

To be fair, the OP didn't say his problem was from overly rough masturbation.  I asked that question in reply to the original.  The reason that I did was because the only time I've run into that particular problem in the same age group was from that core problem.  How I handled it being the D-type may not have especially been the best advice for another D-type with the issue.

Due to that being the cause, it did take longer than some of the time frames I've seen suggested on the thread.  Part of that was, not just the original problem, but also the performance anxiety that was added to it.

There's got to be a better time than on the first date or bringing it up when the first roll in the hay is actually happening.  That's just being fair and taking the other person into consideration.


Edited over a flipping comma.  [8|]



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:27:13 PM)

Thanks, LP, I know many Dan's columns have struck me as pandering to his ego rather than the facts.



PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:30:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar, my Darling. :)


Bollocks, my Darling. The person who first said that, Freud, believed that sex was related to everything else in the psyche of both women *and men*. It was fundamental to all those things. In fact, as he himself admitted, he focused mainly on men.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/18/2012 8:32:01 PM)

Hmph. Text ignorer. Sometimes there really is a physical solution. Honest. Not always, but sometimes.



kitkat105 -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/19/2012 12:58:11 AM)

I think the bottom line is the OP either has a medical or psychological reason as to why he can't orgasm during sex. I also think the OP also needs to discuss this with their doctor. It's a little bit of awkward for what could possibly be an easy fix and I think it's important to rule out any medical reasons.

In my opinion I feel it is important for him to be honest with his perspective female partner - if she reacts poorly she probably isn't worth the time of day anyway. We're kinky, sexual beings and if an adult can't handle some honesty well, I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. Dare I say communication is vital even in casual sexual relationships. However, I do empathise with Peon because my ex said some awful things to me regarding sex and it seriously destroyed our sexual relationship.

For me personally, I'm pretty understanding. No lover is perfect, not all sex is mind blowing awesomeness like in movies. It's the intimacy and being with each other that makes it worthwhile, not just an orgasm.




DesFIP -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/19/2012 9:40:52 AM)

Peon, I'm not leaping out of the blue but from the many people I've known to sabotage what they say they want. And being about twice as old as you are, I've seen a lot of failed relationships.

My therapist's favorite question was always "What are you getting from this that you won't make any changes?". However, she's Cognitive Behavior, not a Jungian or a Freudian type analyst. So she cuts to the chase.

As far as all sexual problems being emotionally based, far from it. Beta Blockers, depression, SSRIs, hypertension, diabetes both Type I and Type and a host of other medical problems or medications can cause this. It is always recommended to see a physician and rule out any medical or medication caused problem first. You will note that the op did not ask how to find a solution. All he wants to know is when to spring it on someone. That by itself says to me he doesn't want a solution, because if he did, he would have asked about it.

Beyond that, he hasn't responded which also says he isn't interested in gaining insight, he just wants approval that waiting until after he's porked someone is what he should keep doing. I take people at their word, which means if someone wants help they would ask for it. And they don't just disappear unless they've been given advice to change when they really want confirmation to keep on doing what they have been. YMMV



PeonForHer -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/19/2012 12:44:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And being about twice as old as you are


I *very* much doubt that. [;)]

quote:

As far as all sexual problems being emotionally based, far from it. Beta Blockers, depression, SSRIs, hypertension, diabetes both Type I and Type and a host of other medical problems or medications can cause this. It is always recommended to see a physician and rule out any medical or medication caused problem first. You will note that the op did not ask how to find a solution. All he wants to know is when to spring it on someone. That by itself says to me he doesn't want a solution, because if he did, he would have asked about it.


Sexual problems might not be (mainly) emotionally based, but it'd make no sense to me, as I've said, that sex is not emotionally based.

quote:

Beyond that, he hasn't responded which also says he isn't interested in gaining insight, he just wants approval that waiting until after he's porked someone is what he should keep doing. I take people at their word, which means if someone wants help they would ask for it. And they don't just disappear unless they've been given advice to change when they really want confirmation to keep on doing what they have been. YMMV


Again, I don't think it necessarily 'says' that at all. He could have lost interest, he could have felt offended, or decided that this thread wasn't giving informed advice and gone elsewhere. Lots and lots of reasons. It's just all too easy to project one's prejudices - God knows, I'm sure you realise this, having seen as many failed relationships as you say you have.



GoodRoughness -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/19/2012 3:05:52 PM)

It was never a question of WHETHER I would tell my partners. I ALWAYS tell my partners beforehand. Most handle it well. It's not as if after fooling around I don't want to cum, in fact in order to avoid agonizing blue balls I NEED to orgasm. It only takes a couple minutes to finish off, and is made easier when a woman's there helping. Stroking while she has her mouth on me for instance goes a long way to bringing me over.

I like the thoughts that it is a self fulfilling prophecy, thinking about it only makes things worse. I have had great partners I could fully relax with and we had amazing sex.

And btw If i realized my first post on this forum would be tied to my profile I wouldn't have made it under this name.



Kana -> RE: Can't cum from sex, how to tell a sub fem partner? (5/19/2012 3:11:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodRoughness
And btw If i realized my first post on this forum would be tied to my profile I wouldn't have made it under this name.

Ooooooooooooof.

Sorry, but that's fucking hysterical

Maybe time for a new profile Bud



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