RE: I'm looking for advice and help

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Yachtie -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/17/2012 3:03:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Don't mistake being a dominant for being domineering, sexist, overly macho, abusive, or an asshole. BINGO! When she serves you your bacon and eggs, feel free to say thank you.

mnottertail -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/17/2012 3:23:49 PM)
unless they aren't done properly, then you punch her dead in the goddamn face!!!! LOL, you will do fine. Welcome. Ron

MissImmortalPain -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/17/2012 5:55:54 PM)
So before you to really got together....when you were the one having the affair...she thought it was hot and fun. Then you married her and she got bored....so she went and found a "dom" and thought that was hot and fun....now she wants you to fix things or get a divorce? I hate to say this but I see a pattern here.

LanceHughes -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/17/2012 6:03:36 PM)
What's with this "she allows the physical relationship to start again"? SHIT ? ? ? ? ? ? So, she makes you bacon and eggs - and toast! Gotta have toast for what follows! (And sunny-side up eggs, too.) "Yeah, honey. Thanks for the breakfast. Now take off your top." // She thinks for a second and does it. // "Good, baby. Now come over here so I can kiss those nippples." // Again, a split-second pause, but she walks over......// // You make a show of taking a mouthfull of yolk and make a mess of her nipple. While she's "OOOooohin' and ahhhhhin' you've grabbed a piece of dry toast and drag it lightly but firmly across the other tit. // LIGHTLY ! ! ! When the OOOHhhhhs are nice, quickly reverse. But since there's yolk over there - on the first nipple, you ramp up the pressure...... Food fight? NOT gonna happen! LOL! And next time you require her (I like "require her" SO much more than "demand her") to make eggs, bacon and toast, bet she's quicker on the move than ever before. Just DO it, man. Just DO it. Take her to new places and I don't mean sexually. The "other" guy did NOT have your biggest advantage - you are married to her! Must've been some reason she agreed to marry you. Oh, wait - you were dominant! ! ! ! ! Now, you have your touchstone. Just pick it up. Think about how it felt when you dominanted her. Lather, rinse, repeat...... ----------------- Another idea ------------- Lance now speaks from an almost parallel situation. I lived with my "wife-to-be" for about three years. "Hey, let's make it permanent." We did - HUGE Roman Catholic Mass, then a sit-down prime rib dinner for 350 guests. (Her dad was a Vice-President of Procter-Gamble) Yes, Lance WAS married to a "real girl" as we say in the gay community. The relationship went down-hill quickly, and the last straw was me coming home early to find her in bed with the dock (or was it "dick") foreman from the company where she was HR. Both could take an early afternoon, you see. I have NEVER felt as powerful in my life as when I politely said, "Please take your things and get dressed in the kitchen before you leave." My reasoning.... When we were living together, we had to decide to be with each other on a daily basis. The Marriage Certificate meant neither of us had to THINK about whether we wanted to be together. The romance went "POOF" - we did not "need" to seduce each other. So..... here's a WILD idea! Get a divorice and stay living together. You don't have to tell any of the parents or friends, now do you? Tax implications and insurance and stuff like that DO need to know..... but, guess what, GAYS have not had those luxuries for years, and yet...... Stop drifting, Lance.... Okay, but I MEAN it - the marriage fucked up what seems to be a good relationship that the two of you had, DO NOT try to make the relationship fit the constraints of a marriage... Throw the marriage over-board!

BecomingHeMan -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/18/2012 6:29:01 AM)
Don't hate to say that. I see the pattern. Our therapist is seeing a pattern but the key is for her to see the pattern. Right now she doesn't want to believe there is a pattern of things and she got a bit freaked out last night that there might be a pattern to things. I will say each day a little ice thaws around her and unlike in the past the ice is not freezing back up. It's just going to take a lot of hard work. Thanks to folks on this board and friends I've found a few mentor possibilities which I need. I also told her I'm going to be mentored. I think she appreciated it and also I think she saw the strength in asking for help, which I rarely do. quote: ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain So before you to really got together....when you were the one having the affair...she thought it was hot and fun. Then you married her and she got bored....so she went and found a "dom" and thought that was hot and fun....now she wants you to fix things or get a divorce? I hate to say this but I see a pattern here.

OohAahMrs -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/18/2012 7:30:08 AM)
Welcome bec, can't go a bundle on the advice, there are those who can and will.

MissImmortalPain -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/18/2012 10:36:15 PM)
I hated to say I saw a pattern because you do honestly seem to be working hard at fixing things. I think she may not want to see the pattern because she thinks it says something bad about her when it really doesn't. She wants excitement. She wants a little freaky time. She wants to know that things won't fall into an everyday same 'ol same 'ol sort of thing. I can understand that and maybe if you can explain to her that what she wants is okay she will admit to it and then work harder to fix things. I mean after all I think "most" of us are into the things we are because we don't just want the same things happening everyday either. Maybe you could find out if this is what she is really thinking by mixing things up for her. Give her things to do without a lot of notice that she will be doing them. Spring stuff on her you might say. Not really big stuff but stuff that says you run the show.

BecomingHeMan -> RE: I'm looking for advice and help (5/20/2012 8:25:04 AM)
LadyPact, Thank you very very much for this post. You bring up two great points. The first of which I am very aware. The second about grieving, I'd never thought about. The only thing that concerns me about this is that she might be grieving, but at this point she hasn't decided if she wants to get over him or not. My heart doesn't know what to think because sometimes she seems to want to try to get over him and other times it seems as if she doesn't. As I told her every day you wake up with my rings on your finger and in bed is a day that you decided to stay with me. Obviously it concerns me that some day that could change but for now she's made the decision to stay even though she doesn't know if she wants to stay in the long term. Which is another reason why we are going to a therapist. But you are right about the grieving part. That's why I never forced her to never talk to him again or never have any contact with him. I know that a grieving heart is a dangerous heart and if I'd forced off all contact I would have lost her to the longing for him. At least now I can hope that time will take its toll on her feelings for him. As for the first part, that has been a very important piece of information that I have mentioned to the various mentors who have stepped up to give me advice. I need to find my own voice in this and my own style. We already had the talk where I demanded that she tell me what he did to her because I needed to know. I needed to face that reality. Well I faced it head on and came out alive and as I told her at this point she is to tell me nothing else of "how" to do dom/sub or the rules of dom/sub. Now its all up to me. I do have ideas and every day the anticipation of what I want to her to do grows and grows. My biggest fear at this point will be completely going overboard the first time because of the emotions and pent up sexual rage I have right now. That's why I need to learn to be in control of myself. And finding my own voice I think will allow that. Thank you again. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Welcome to the forums, OP. I'm also going to answer on this thread because the other one is just a cross post, so I expect it to be pulled. Normally, I wouldn't write something this long in this section, but they other thread will most likely go away. There is a lot I happen to agree with in the comments above. The reading, yes. The mentor in the BDSM community, yes. The therapist, yes. However, there's something in the original post that concerns Me and it hasn't come up yet. I understand that the conversation that you had with your wife about what happened between her and the other Dominant had appeal to you. I don't want you to fall into a trap when trying to rebuild your relationship. If you try to mimic what he did so that she'll see you as Dominant, you're going to lose. She's going to see you as pretending to be him or use his methods and that's not going to go well for you. That puts you in the position of competing with a ghost and that's never a good place to be. Another piece of advice I'd like to give you. This one kind of sucks, but it will be beneficial to your relationship in the end. Remember that an emotional attachment was established between her and him and that still means she feels a loss. Give her the ability to grieve the loss of that and not feel that she has to hide her feelings about that in front of you. It's going to end up taking you to a greater level of honesty.

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