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I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:26:33 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

Hello everyone. I'm really excited to be on this forum. I'm looking for advice and insight on being a Master. My wife and I recently experimented with an open marriage and her partner introduced her to D/S. She was obviously the slave in this relationship. However, in turned her so much and our marriage was strained due to some very stressful life experiences over the past couple of years that she has fallen in love with him. She attempted to try to teach me to be her Master but it failed miserably because she wasn't nearly experienced enough and it didn't happen naturally for us.

We are trying to save the marriage and are in sex therapy but we both know that I'm going to have be her Master if the marriage is going to last. Although the first few times we tried it didn't go well, it piqued my interest enough that I am turned on by being dominant over her. I've gotten a few books to help and she and I recently had a heart to heart where she told what he did and what she liked. At some point in the next few weeks she and I are going to have to begin our physical relationship again to see if it will work. She's basically going to have to give me a shot and she's going to have see some sort of growth in me as a Dom over the a period of time. Because right now she's finds herself incapable of looking me as a dominant person. This partially because I have had anxiety issues over time, I have smothered her at times and because of her experience with this veteran Master.

So any advice would be very very helpful.

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RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:34:30 AM

ashjor911

Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline

Welcome

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 2

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:36:55 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

Thanks Ashjor911

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Post #: 3

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:42:04 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

My best advice would be to find a good marriage counselor.

BTW: Why do you need a sex counselor? Is one of you not achieving orgasm? I would fix the obvious issues in your marriage; if you can accomplish that, the sex may work itself out. But, you know, it's very difficult to be dominant "on command." The two things just don't mesh well, you know?

Maybe a kink friendly therapist?

Sorry, that's all I got.

I lied, I got this, too: Welcome to the discussion side of CM.

_____________________________

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Post #: 4

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:48:49 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

We are seeing a marriage and sex therapist. I'm just here for some advice on what makes a fucking powerful Dom. It's something that is in me but I come from a vanilla childhood in regards to talking about sex so I'm breaking down a lot barriers in a short amount of time.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 6:57:56 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. First lesson is to TAKE WHAT YOU WANT. I'm assuming that the turn-on for your wife was that the man was ordering her around and USING her for his pleasure.

So what do you want? Spanking her? Anal? Tie her up and flog her? Deep throat?

The actions are not important. Your attitude is. This is a horrible time to impose this, because your mindset of being afraid to lose her is natural and it's not the right one.

The mindset you need to cultivate is that she is YOURS. All YOURS. You married her, and you're damn well going to take her. To please YOU. Got it?

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 6

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:01:23 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

DarkSteven

Awesome. Its interesting you mentioned "attitude" because our therapist said that is one thing that no one can take from us. So its less about being perfect with the actions?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:10:19 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Act like you are a pirate and she is a ship about to be boarded.
Seriously, the best piece of advice I can give you is don't be shy, don't be tentative.
She wants you to take charge, she needs you to take charge. Hell, she craves it. In not taking charge, in not holding her strictly, in not keeping her accountable, you are NOTNOTNOT helping her or being kind or nice or any of the other 100,000,000 responses society has programmed into you, you are hurting her and hurting her at the core of what and who she is.
She's property.
That simple.

Domination has zip to do with whips and chains and everything to do with who and what you are.
The whips and chains are just the symptoms :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 8

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:15:47 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

this is great stuff. Thank you. I'm too worried about the actions and you are all talking about the attitude.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 9

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:23:36 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Lots of kinky people in Pittsburgh - join some groups, go to some events, observe other couples and perhaps pick up a mentor.

https://fetlife.com/search?q=Pittsburgh

Since this thread is longer, I think it will be the one kept if one is pruned, so wanted to paste Jeff's words here. While I share his pessimism, "faking it til you make it" is worth a try.

quote:

Some advice? you can't win, give it up.

You are competing with a figment of her imagination. She doesn't live with this other "master". She is not "owned" by him. She had a bit of a fantasy fling and is hooked on it.

Assuming both you and your wife want this to work (a big assumption in my mind), then the question I'd be asking is not whether or not she sees you as "dominant", but whether you see her as "submissive". Why not just tell her to do stuff... "Make me some bacon and eggs for breakfast." and if she balks tell her, "quit screwing around with me and decide if you want to be a slave or not."

The problem with testing for either dominance or submission in an existing relationship is that there is only one way to pass the test. From your standpoint you have to be prepared to divorce her if she does not obey. If you are not ready to do that the you cannot win. The real question in my mind is "Why play unwinnable games?"

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 10

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:32:34 AM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

You want to be a powerful dom start by first demanding that she deal with the emotional issues that strained your marriage to begin with. Right now she is all about the kink...no shock she actually had an affair. Open or not there is dark part of her brain screaming affair. Her brain and her body believe she got away with something. That she got to play dirty and it seems like fun now. You need to put a stop to that shit.

Make your first command that there will be no one else for either of you until you either fix your marriage or it is allowed to die on its own without the help of others.

Your second command? I would make it something along the lines of "stop telling me what I'm doing wrong" You tell her if she has an issue with the way you are doing things that she can open her mouth and spit out her opinion. You will either take it and use it or you won't...but she has to speak. And not in some nasty manner that speaks down to you. Make it clear that you have put up with some things but now you are done. (it is a good idea to set aside time for this)

Third command....Tell her what you really want. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Tell her that what she will not give up freely you will take by force. Then take it. If she still doesn't want to give it up after that tell her you can find it with someone else, so she best correct what she can.

Best of luck.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 5/17/2012 7:33:34 AM >

_____________________________

It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 11

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:44:53 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

I hear what you are saying. I've come to accept that I may lose her over this. But it won't be because I'm a poor dom, it will be because she's not a compatible person for me anymore. As much as that would hurt, I'm in this to also realize my own potential and my own confidence and power. As long as I come out of this a better person and am able to channel my inner HeMan then I'm going to be okay in life.

I've been in contact with a few friends who are making some calls for me so I can find a mentor.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Lots of kinky people in Pittsburgh - join some groups, go to some events, observe other couples and perhaps pick up a mentor.

https://fetlife.com/search?q=Pittsburgh

Since this thread is longer, I think it will be the one kept if one is pruned, so wanted to paste Jeff's words here. While I share his pessimism, "faking it til you make it" is worth a try.

quote:

Some advice? you can't win, give it up.

You are competing with a figment of her imagination. She doesn't live with this other "master". She is not "owned" by him. She had a bit of a fantasy fling and is hooked on it.

Assuming both you and your wife want this to work (a big assumption in my mind), then the question I'd be asking is not whether or not she sees you as "dominant", but whether you see her as "submissive". Why not just tell her to do stuff... "Make me some bacon and eggs for breakfast." and if she balks tell her, "quit screwing around with me and decide if you want to be a slave or not."

The problem with testing for either dominance or submission in an existing relationship is that there is only one way to pass the test. From your standpoint you have to be prepared to divorce her if she does not obey. If you are not ready to do that the you cannot win. The real question in my mind is "Why play unwinnable games?"

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 12

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:51:56 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Are you just looking to play in bed? That stuff is the easy part. As important as sex can be to a marriage, it's not going to get to the root of what's wrong.

Good luck. I agree, talking to other couples is a good idea, *together*. We are who we are. My style of dominance isn't matched to every submissive. In the long run, you have to do the right thing for yourself.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 13

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:55:24 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You are attempting to rush a process that in my never humble opinion can not and should not be rushed.

Dominant b/c I have to be doesn't work. All we could help you do is *pretend* how to be a dom. And that won't work in the end.

Now, want ways to pretend?

First pretend yourself some supreme self confidence mixed with a hint of superiority. Add a big splash of strength of will, and then a dash of personal charm and charisma. You go can a looong way with the above, if it's for real.

Don't mistake being a dominant for being domineering, sexist, overly macho, abusive, or an asshole.

It's hard to give you more personal pointers b/c I don't know you. Look for a real time mentor in your area?

Others were posting while I was. Yes, get a mentor ASAP. And great advice from everyone so far.

Best with this, CP

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 5/17/2012 7:58:31 AM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 14

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 7:57:28 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

In her defense she has stopped the affair and she is now 7.5 hours away from him so the distance is great. He has also pulled away from her and from what she tells me although he expressed real feelings for her he is now saying things like "we don't know what the future will hold. We might not last more than few months". His ex-wife left him for another man/another dom so she believes he feels very guilty over this and never had any intention on breaking us up. As I said we both agreed to an open marriage of physical pleasure, not emotional connection. Obviously we are not the people for that type of relationship.

Right now her situation is an attitude. She doesn't trust her feelings and doesn't trust her emotions. I've also been emotional wreck for a while over my career and have frequently jumped into a false bravado, especially over this move we made from NYC to Pittsburgh. So she's having a very difficult time trusting me that I've pulled myself together and that I'm more confident in myself and potential.

I have told her exactly what I want so she knows. She understands that I don't need her, or the marriage or her family. I only want her and everything about her. I want all the good and all the bad. That's it.

I had for years attempted to give her everything she wanted because I felt grateful that she made me once realize the man inside of me and showed me that love I could love someone and be loved in a way that I never thought possible. So in essence I took an unconditional love between us and put conditions on it. The condition that I had to provide everything to her or else I wasn't worthy. The problem was when we were having our own love affair, I wasn't providing everything for her. I was the dominent person then. It was always when I wanted it and when I needed it. I was very aggressive with her then too. But we suddenly switched roles in the traditional relationship. So the goal for both of us to reverse the roles and its going to be a long hard process since we've gotten into ruts for four years now.

One of the things I've done is simply back off and give her space in our house and in her life. I'm letting her become responsible for herself. It may seem counter-intuitive to D/S but we worked better when we weren't on top of each others space 24/7. But as I'm learning its not counter at all to D/S. It will only heighten the anticipation for her as she will never know when its coming or when I want it. Or she'll be begging inside for it to happen.

If it sounds like I've got a good head on my shoulders it is because i've had about 2 straight weeks of finding myself and finding out who I am. I was even comfortable last night learning everything he did to her and why she liked those things. For all intents an purposes I'd lost touch with my wife's body and her kinks that I need to learn them and understand them. That way I can be confident in myself. And honestly hearing what he did to her did not make me unconfident. He has 10 years of experience over me. And she expressed that she basically would need to see growth in me over time once we begin our physical relationship again. And that's only fair. If I can't channel my in HeMan for myself to dominate her then she's not the right sub for me. Simply we might not click. But that's a chance I'm willing to take.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

You want to be a powerful dom start by first demanding that she deal with the emotional issues that strained your marriage to begin with. Right now she is all about the kink...no shock she actually had an affair. Open or not there is dark part of her brain screaming affair. Her brain and her body believe she got away with something. That she got to play dirty and it seems like fun now. You need to put a stop to that shit.

Make your first command that there will be no one else for either of you until you either fix your marriage or it is allowed to die on its own without the help of others.

Your second command? I would make it something along the lines of "stop telling me what I'm doing wrong" You tell her if she has an issue with the way you are doing things that she can open her mouth and spit out her opinion. You will either take it and use it or you won't...but she has to speak. And not in some nasty manner that speaks down to you. Make it clear that you have put up with some things but now you are done. (it is a good idea to set aside time for this)

Third command....Tell her what you really want. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Tell her that what she will not give up freely you will take by force. Then take it. If she still doesn't want to give it up after that tell her you can find it with someone else, so she best correct what she can.

Best of luck.

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

Post #: 15

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 8:02:06 AM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

Chatte,

I understand your point. I think based on conversations with her, the process is more about growth in me and trust in her not whether I can be perfect at first or whether she can believe me. As long as I show growth as a dom as we gain more experience together then I think we'll be okay I'll continue to get more and more experienced and confident and she will continue to trust me more and more. It's going to be slow baby steps. The real question is whether she has the patience for that. Whether she truly wants to take the time to do this over the course of the long run.

That's something I can't control. I can only control what I want and when she consents to starting our physical relationship, I can control everything about our d/s experiences. In essence I'm preparing myself for the rest of my life and I simply want her to be part of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You are attempting to rush a process that in my never humble opinion can not and should not be rushed.

Dominant b/c I have to be doesn't work. All we could help you do is *pretend* how to be a dom. And that won't work in the end.

Now, want ways to pretend?

First pretend yourself some supreme self confidence mixed with a hint of superiority. Add a big splash of strength of will, and then a dash of personal charm and charisma. You go can a looong way with the above, if it's for real.

Don't mistake being a dominant for being domineering, sexist, overly macho, abusive, or an asshole.

It' shard to give you more personal pointers b/c I don't know you. Look for a real time mentor in your area?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 16

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 10:34:36 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingHeMan

DarkSteven

Awesome. Its interesting you mentioned "attitude" because our therapist said that is one thing that no one can take from us. So its less about being perfect with the actions?

Exactly. Do it YOUR way, and take what YOU want.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 17

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 2:16:28 PM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

There are a few things here confusing me. And I think Chatte might be right. Are you sure you were ever the dominant person in the realationship? If you don't mind my asking (its okay to tell me to piss off if you don't want to answer) how long have you been married and how long were you into the realationship before things started going wrong?

_____________________________

It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 18

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 2:18:56 PM

BecomingHeMan

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline

I was the dominant person until we moved in together. I was dominant during the affair we had for three years. Then when we became official and I got divorced the roles somehow switched really without us realizing it.

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

Post #: 19

RE: I'm looking for advice and help - 5/17/2012 2:41:12 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums, OP.

I'm also going to answer on this thread because the other one is just a cross post, so I expect it to be pulled. Normally, I wouldn't write something this long in this section, but they other thread will most likely go away.

There is a lot I happen to agree with in the comments above. The reading, yes. The mentor in the BDSM community, yes. The therapist, yes. However, there's something in the original post that concerns Me and it hasn't come up yet.

I understand that the conversation that you had with your wife about what happened between her and the other Dominant had appeal to you. I don't want you to fall into a trap when trying to rebuild your relationship. If you try to mimic what he did so that she'll see you as Dominant, you're going to lose. She's going to see you as pretending to be him or use his methods and that's not going to go well for you. That puts you in the position of competing with a ghost and that's never a good place to be.

Another piece of advice I'd like to give you. This one kind of sucks, but it will be beneficial to your relationship in the end. Remember that an emotional attachment was established between her and him and that still means she feels a loss. Give her the ability to grieve the loss of that and not feel that she has to hide her feelings about that in front of you. It's going to end up taking you to a greater level of honesty.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to BecomingHeMan)

Post #: 20

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