RE: Need advice from a Dom

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johnukguy -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/23/2012 8:10:17 AM)
quote: we both know that I'm going to have be her Master if the marriage is going to last It won't last anyway. This woman is lost in la la land and can't see beyond her own selfishness. Walk away and don't waste time on her.

tennisman2388 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/23/2012 10:29:48 AM)
NEWSFLASH: D/s doesn't fundamentally change tens of thousands of years of human relationship behavior. Jealousies, resentment, and all manner of emotional complexities continue to exist and flourish.......including love-triangles. The OP agreed to an open marriage, perhaps with reservations. His wife subsequently went out and fell head over heels for another. Now he's been tasked with working on his marriage with a third party still hanging over his head. It's a very old story.......and has little to do with D/s.

Bhruic -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/25/2012 5:40:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BecomingHeMan Because right now she's finds herself incapable of looking me as a dominant person. This partially because I have had anxiety issues over time, I have smothered her at times and because of her experience with this veteran Master. I'm looking for a Dom on here to help give me advice and help train my brain for this big step in my life. It comes down to this... To dominate her, you have to be confident that you are a dominant personality. Don't get hung up on the tools and tricks. It just causes performance anxiety. If you can dominate her, it will start with words... words that are calmly and confidently spoken, in a tone that captures her attention and , hopefully, her obedience. The comment of yours I left above suggests to me that this is where the real problem lies. If you suffer from anxiety, are worried that she will leave you if you don't succeed, and can not feel confident in yourself that you can believe you are dominant and accept all the responsibility that implies... then no amount of leather or rope is going to pull the wool over her eyes. I honestly feel for you. It seems like you love her and have done everything you can to accommodate her. If you feel like you might be able to muster the feelings inside to be confident and take control, then by all means try. But prepare yourself also for the possibility that you may just be incompatible. Good luck either way!

Buzzzz -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/27/2012 5:02:44 AM)
I just hate this. Someone post a question on here, lot. Of folks answer with very valid answers/ pov and the op is gone. Big pet peeve of mine.

Killerangel -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/27/2012 6:41:10 AM)
Yes, but a lot of other people saw this thread and the answers and hopefully it helped them.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/27/2012 8:33:27 AM)
Along with all the really good advice from everyone else, there is one thing that seems consistant in your post (and I didn't have the benefit of seeing the other one). You are presenting this situation as it being YOU who has caused the problems in your marriage. YOU had anxiety, YOU smothered her. You say that you and she experimented with an "open marriage" where SHE had someone else, and she fell "in love" with him. How much time did she spend with this guy? Enough to fall in love, really? Marriages involve two people, and they typically fail because of two people. They aren't saved by sex therapy, but by marriage counseling. You are in a very untenable position. In all honesty, the first thing you should do to "prove" your "dominance" over her is tell her to shut the fuck up, because as the "slave" she ain't the one in charge, and mean it.

tennisman2388 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/30/2012 11:45:09 AM)
Excellent observations LaF.

Knighthunter862 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/10/2012 10:54:20 PM)
Simple. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be prepared to back it up or devorced her. Real question is do you want to be a dominant if you don't have her?

Rule -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/11/2012 1:17:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BecomingHeMan Hello everyone. I'm really excited to be on this forum. I'm looking for advice and insight on being a Master. I sense soft energy from you. That bodes ill. There are various types of dominants, most of them being quite submissive. The genuine article has indomitable, immense will power. He or she can control any number of people - though often that number is limited to one. I do not think that you are any of those types of dominants. So that leaves topping in a bdsm relationship; kinda like a new hobby where one can excel if one applies himself. You already got good advice from various people. Go look for marriage counseling is one of them. An alternative is to turn a blind eye to your wife's adultery. Just ignore it and make with her the deal that she is circumspect about it and not to discuss it. And yet another alternative may be another way into dominance, somewhat like the Gorean way: can you see her as her being not a human being, but some kind of animal or thing? Then see her as your possession, as something that you own, like a utensil, like a pencil, dog, cat, cattle, a watch or calculator or a bag - and treat her like that.

DomDolf -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/15/2012 3:42:39 PM)
That man is hurting... real hurt. He is also looking for help anywhere he can find it out of desperation. Add to the conversation something useful if possible. His lack of answer may be in tune with his lack of hope. There is so much that would need to be understood before a valid answer could be made. Who are you as a man, a husband and as a lover to your wife? Who are you at the core... before you sold your soul for pussy? I agree with others that your wife is working from fantasy. She will find the truth or hide from the truth by indulging deeper so she can never face the words "I made a mistake". Which will it be? Only time will tell. My advice would be to get in with a VERY experienced married couple that would not be looking for anything except friendship and the inner benefits of helping others. NO SEX!!! You must also figure out who you are and what you want and then you must own that completely. If D/s is something you are genuinely interested in, you must scrape off the years of piled on bullshit that you have applied to be in a compromising or 50/50 relationship. That is a very unique process for everyone. The framework is relatively basic, but the work is very hard because it means facing yourself in the mirror every day and being disciplined enough to make and stick the commitments required of you to become the man you want to be and let go of the insecurity and fear that drives most men down the path to selling out for pussy. If that is really what you want, write me. But if you do, know that I don't play games and I don't take half-ass attempts lightly.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/15/2012 4:27:12 PM)
You are very right in that this man is really suffering and in desperate need of help and guidance. However, the reality is that becoming a dominant or "getting in" with a BDSM couple is the last thing he needs. He really needs to get appropriate psychological help for his depression and anxiety, and to attend marriage counseling (not sex therapy) with his wife. Sadly, I believe the marriage is doomed and has been so for quite a while, so I hope that the OP has managed to get the appropriate help for the other issues and is doing well putting his life back on track.

ClassIsInSession -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/15/2012 4:52:29 PM)
One thing that was never mentioned. You experimented with an open marriage, she went and found a Dom, did you have any open benefits on your side? If you didn't want it, and she was the only one playing, you're already the submissive. You just took it. If my ex-wife had ever asked me that I would have told her, there's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass. Now, you have to prove yourself to her? Let me tell you this man, if you have to prove yourself to anyone, it will never end...there will always be more to prove..and it's really just another way of her saying "Jump" and you saying "How High?" If I were you, I'd either tell her to leave, or I'd say, no, you need to prove your submission to me. Then have her do the jumping. And I have to disagree with the whole "marriage counseling" suggestion, simply because statistically, it doesn't save marriages. I will suggest you look into the whole concept of co-dependency. It's obvious you fear being without her, which probably means you fear being alone in general. That means you're looking for someone to complete you, and as long as you're doing that, you'll never be Dominant, or healthy psychologically.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/15/2012 7:09:44 PM)
While I don't disagree that marriage counseling often fails, the fact is that it would hopefully bring him to a point where he could end things in a way that are healthy for him. Essentially the OP seems to be long gone. From his comments, his wife is a complete train wreck and I do feel sorry for him. You don't just come home to your spouse one day and say, "hey, I want to have a D/s relationship, and you need to prove to me that you can be as great a dominant as the guy I fucked on the side after I demanded and open marriage." It just doesn't work that way. Frankly, I doubt this guy is either dominant or submissive. He is a guy that had some serious rough going in his life that left some shit after (depression/anxiety). The last thing that would be helpful to him is advice on how to be more dominant, unless it was about separating from this wife of his.

DaBull -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (6/22/2012 9:35:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: BecomingHeMan I'm looking for a Dom on here to help give me advice and help train my brain for this big step in my life. Some advice? you can't win, give it up. You are competing with a figment of her imagination. She doesn't live with this other "master". She is not "owned" by him. She had a bit of a fantasy fling and is hooked on it. Assuming both you and your wife want this to work (a big assumption in my mind), then the question I'd be asking is not whether or not she sees you as "dominant", but whether you see her as "submissive". Why not just tell her to do stuff... "Make me some bacon and eggs for breakfast." and if she balks tell her, "quit screwing around with me and decide if you want to be a slave or not." The problem with testing for either dominance or submission in an existing relationship is that there is only one way to pass the test. From your standpoint you have to be prepared to divorce her if she does not obey. If you are not ready to do that the you cannot win. The real question in my mind is "Why play unwinnable games?" Great answer Jeff

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