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Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 2:11:27 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		So.... the unfortunate thing happened today that my sister somehow got me to admit my dynamic and lifestyle choices x_x

Really... I'm bad at lying. I try and try, but my face reveals immediately when Im holding stuff back and not being truthful.

A little background story. I met my current dom/master/thingy in November here on CM. I just talked to him on and off for a while not really knowing how much i'd come to like him. So fast forward 6 months... Here I am.. Still completely and hopelessly in love... Despite it being friggin online. He lives in NZ and I in DK. I'm becoming a better and better submissive for each day. I trust him. He's been very consistent with his word so far(and i always double check everything). So I consider myself his slave for now, and hopefully things will lead to something physical and permanent :)
As I said, he has given me absolutely no reason to distrust him, and he's been very gentle with me. Pushing only as much as I was comfortable with so far.

Ok so... My sister only knew of him as an older guy(he's 40) from NZ that I so happened to fall for. It isnt news to her as my last relationship was also long distance(though we met twice a year for a few months... we broke up just as we were figuring shit out).

Then she asks into it. I dont talk about him much. She only knew about him cos she'd pulled it out of me a while ago(Like I said, I'm terrible at lying, i have a really bad pokerface). She asked me how it goes with my NZ boyfriend. And I tell her "Hes not my boyfriend, I told you that"
Then she asks: Has he seen you naked?
And I immediately become blankfaced, then I can feel the heat burning in my cheeks. I'm sure it was pretty apparent that he had.
So In the end... I kind of try to explain to her that I am indeed kinky, and that I enjoy giving up control. She doesnt understand quite enough though. I know, before she even knew, that she enjoys power exchange as well(but she has no clue about BDSM and the like). But she tries to ask questions and such.

What she doesn't know is that... I consider myself, or at least Im working towards the goal of becoming a no limits slave(through trust only though. Not into extreme things, but I want to trust him enough to be able to let go of inhibitions and such).
And she doesn't know that he refers to me as property. She also doesn't know that he's poly-oriented and already owns a slave(Im completely fine with it, I knew what I was getting into, and I think I might be poly oriented as well).


Ok I know this might be a complicated situation >_< But the things stated above are things I dont want her to know. Or in any case... not until I've met him IRL. But I would like ideas on how to explain this stuff in such a way that she isn't put off. Maybe some of you have a few links to articles that explain the more sensual, and mental side of power exchange? I also want to explain this stuff to help her. Because it seems shes having trouble deciding whether or not to stay with her current bf(they fight a lot). And I'm 89% sure that it's not so much him that she cant let go of, but that she's submissive and enjoys the challenge he poses to her. He has a domineering personality, and she a submissive one. But I doubt either of them even know. I think they just go on impulse, and I think it would help her a lot to put some terms and words on what she's feeling.


Anyway, Im so very sorry for the messy proposal of this problem. It's hard enough to organize in my mind as it is. But anyone with any advice is welcome, and very appreciated. I just don't exactly know how to handle all this. I don't want to start feeling alienated by my sister because she doesnt understand my lifestyle choices.
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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 2:13:55 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		Oh and if anyone wonders, my sister is 25... So older. Dunno if that makes any difference, but it's best to be as precise as possible :)

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 2:41:06 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Don't try to fix your sister or her situation unless she asks.
It is easy to read D/s into other people's affairs when it is not applicable.

Get her a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky:http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1_title_2_pap?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337290722&sr=1-1

BUT allow yourself the gift of privacy.

If you need an outlet to share things with then see if there are any TNG munches in your area where you can hang out with people in your age range.

A lot of things begin to get very complicated with intimate relationships when family gets involved.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 2:54:11 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Don't try to fix your sister or her situation unless she asks.
It is easy to read D/s into other people's affairs when it is not applicable.

Get her a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky:http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1_title_2_pap?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337290722&sr=1-1

BUT allow yourself the gift of privacy.

If you need an outlet to share things with then see if there are any TNG munches in your area where you can hang out with people in your age range.

A lot of things begin to get very complicated with intimate relationships when family gets involved.


Well.. When I mentioned to her that she might be into power exchange, her eyes lit up and she said: yea.. that might be it. I feel that sort of power play and I like it.
So that's why I'm thinking it might help her to understand it better. She could assess what she actually wants. And my sister does ask. All the time. Im the one she turns to for advice when she has bf-trouble. She tells me im very good at listening and giving advice, so i dont think its a problem ^^

Thank you for the book suggestion though, it definitely sounds like what I'm looking for :) I'll see if it's something worth giving her. Just hoping she'd actually read it if I gave it to her.

Also privacy is a bit of an issue. We are roomies now. Not only that, but she tends to be nosy. I often have to repeat: I don't want to talk about this, I'd like to keep this private. But it's extremely difficult to keep things hidden because I can't lie and I'm terrible at pokerface. meaning even just asking me something, she knows me well enough to know the answer without me having to say anything. x_x Sigh. Usually.


And I actually do know of a munch group for my age-range. Found it on fetlife. So far I've been too shy to go though ._. But I have a friend I discuss these matters with, so its cool for now.

And yea... So far both my sister AND mom knows about him. But I had no qualms about telling my mother. She's kinky herself. When i visited her and her ex, Their bedroom being connected to the living-room, they would usually have chains and toys laying around. They never really kept their kink too hidden. I know that my mom is of the submissive kind too. So I talked about about NZ-guy, and why I like it. She supports me, so that's at least nice :)

< Message edited by littlekitten1 -- 5/17/2012 2:56:27 PM >

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 3:01:35 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		FR-

if your mom is already openly into kink, i doubt your sis will give you much heat over it, unless you already know she looks down on it from observing past experiences with your mom.

since you do want to (at least for now) keep your offical entrance into this lifestyle private, i would try to first avoid discussing it with her. if she does ask, then relate it to her in terms she already understands and accepts. i.e., tell her your similar to your mom, and to her as well.

when you're ready to share more, i suggest turning her onto this site. i can't think of a better place (online) for someone to learn more about it, to converse with people who are more experienced, and have gone through it all (or are in various stages) and are readily willing to share their knowledge and perspectives.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 3:07:27 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

FR-

if your mom is already openly into kink, i doubt your sis will give you much heat over it, unless you already know she looks down on it from observing past experiences with your mom.

since you do want to (at least for now) keep your offical entrance into this lifestyle private, i would try to first avoid discussing it with her. if she does ask, then relate it to her in terms she already understands and accepts. i.e., tell her your similar to your mom, and to her as well.

when you're ready to share more, i suggest turning her onto this site. i can't think of a better place (online) for someone to learn more about it, to converse with people who are more experienced, and have gone through it all (or are in various stages) and are readily willing to share their knowledge and perspectives.


Thank you for your reply.

Anyway, there's a big difference between me and my sister. I'm extremely tolerant of intimate talks and iffy subjects. My sister on the other hand still has trouble opening up on that front to my mom. Its not something they talk about. And I can tell that my sister is way more iffed by the subject than my mom is.
I don't think my sister looks down on it though. But I think she has trouble understanding. And Im not good enough at explaining it without making it sound even weirder x_x
Also, keeping it private isn't an option anymore. I already tried to half-explain to her. So Im guessing she'll have even more questions ready for me again soon. I already opened the can of worms, so all i can do is try to contain them.

Also turning her to this site isn't an option. This site is one of the few places that I feel is my own space where I can say and do what I want freely. If I knew she snoops around, I'd probably stop posting here, as I don't want her to know absolutely everything.

That's why Im asking for articles, or books and such. Because they are external sources that she could read, which wouldn't cause me to lose my 'safe haven' :p

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 3:58:52 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		When you've gotten naked around someone, even online through web cam...referring to him as your boyfriend is something a vanilla can understand and make peace with. If we have different ideas of what defines the relationship...eh. What I'm saying is that if my grandmother were alive, I would introduce bo to her as my boyfriend, not as my slave. No need to give her a coronary.

Yes, my mother does know. And everybody else. There have been awkward moments where I've had to explain that I wear the pants in the family, bo is like...my wife...or if they have problems understanding that, I say that he's my "honey, do..." When I explained to bo's sister that I am not abusing her brother, and that I LIKE having a "honey, do..." it sparked her own interest and now she is going to play parties with us.

I also vote for your getting the book, 'When Someone You Love is Kinky'. Since you are roomies and talk a lot, why not rent or buy on Amazon or Ebay a fun, D/s type movie to watch that will make most vanillas smile and not feel threatened...with Rosie O'Donnel, called Exit to Eden. Commenting, "Oh, that is so hawt..." with a big silly grin...while giggling and drinking soda pop and eating popcorn together might be fun.

Kink is often harder to explain to vanillas than D/s. What you're doing via online is "safe sex" and you cannot get STDs or preggers, so that might be a good point to make. Some people like to be swept away and others get all jazzed up by taking control...maybe a few movies will help her see the..."sexual sorcery" involved. There is a Sean Connery movie my adult son found hawt called Entrapment. Especially the part where the girl was blindfolded and had to be taught to almost dance through some ropes (practice for easing past some security laser light grid)...his voice was her only guide...she had to obey his smallest instruction...made my son's eyes glaze over. ;)

There is an article at Akasha's Web that's a free read and helps to explain a D/s relationship. http://www.akashaweb.com/women/goodgirlpreview.html The Good Girl's Guide to Domination preview, or something like that.

My sister lives in Texas, far away from WV, and we cannot talk about this. Since she knows I am into this, I cannot make any reference of any kind to my boyfriend or she gets offended. (So okay, the church she goes to thinks anyone into Pokemon or Harry Potter needs an exorcism.) Her ex-husband poisoned her mind by watching thousands of hours of porn in their livingroom (even if the kids walked in) and I'm guessing that some of the stuff was some hard core BDSM fantasy stuff. She thinks she knows all about my relationship dynamic.

Sometimes the hardest thing we do when we are educating vanillas... is to help them unlearn what they think they know.

Good luck with your sister. :)

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 5/17/2012 4:09:14 PM >

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 4:43:18 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Honestly, I've never had a hard time explaining my full-on TPE relationship in detail to vanilla people. But when I speak about it, I don't seek to shock. I don't use words like "property" which a vanilla person wouldn't understand. I say things like, "I tend to make the decisions in our house with a great deal of input from Carol. We have a somewhat traditional marriage." or "I'm comfortable with decision making and Carol prefers to defer."

Carol and I don't do SM, but even that is pretty explainable if one isn't seeking to shock the audience. You just have to choose your words so that they convey correctly the actual situation. That means the words you use will be vanilla words. But honestly, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong which means i ought to be able to explain it to someone else without a shock factor.

In your case... You like older men. You prefer men who are confident... perhaps even a bit arrogant. In the bedroom, you prefer a more forceful lover... someone who will take rather than "make love to you". You like a man to be the man of the house, etc. etc.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 6:12:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Well, first of all, I don't really get the whole online long distance thing unless one of you is planning to move to the other.

As to your actual question, when she asked you about your boyfriend you could have just said it's just some guy I talk to online because honestly, that's all he is as of right now.

And I'm not sure why you felt a need to even tell your sister the whole shebang. You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble by just shrugging it off. But now that she knows, just shrug it off if she asks about it again. She doesn't need to know you're planning on working towards a "no-limits" slave.

My family knows I find dominant men attractive but they just think I am a very traditional girl with old fashioned morals and values. I don't wanna know about their sex lives and I'm sure they don't wanna know about mine.


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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 6:14:00 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

What she doesn't know is that... I consider myself, or at least Im working towards the goal of becoming a no limits slave(through trust only though. Not into extreme things, but I want to trust him enough to be able to let go of inhibitions and such).

And she doesn't know that he refers to me as property. She also doesn't know that he's poly-oriented and already owns a slave(Im completely fine with it, I knew what I was getting into, and I think I might be poly oriented as well).


She doesn't NEED to have these details. If you want to share and it won't freak her out, go for it. But you don't owe her details.

I refer to M as my boyfriend to vanilla people.

My friend K let her mother believe that she and R were monogamous and would be getting married. She gave her sister more, but not all, the details.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 6:16:10 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		yup, my family just thinks of Master as the invisible looong term boyfriend lol. He's never met my family yet because my family doesn't live here lol. He's now known as the invisble man.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 8:26:11 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		littlekitten,
Take your time and explain things little by little to her, you don't have to Hit her all at once with all the details. It actually helps to share a little at time. TMI can overload people's mind and they will end up only hearing what they want to hear..or worse yet.. the things they want to remember.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 9:22:26 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
I refer to M as my boyfriend to vanilla people.

And I refer to Carol as my wife to vanilla people. I refer to her as my slave to kinky people. I'm not lying or misleading either time. I'm simply picking the word which is most likely to get closest to the mark in the listener's ears. If I say "slave" to a vanilla person they are either going to get ideas from the old south or ideas from porn depending on their predilection. Neither image is accurate. "Wife" on the other hand conjures images of a loving, long-term relationship which certainly hits the highlights. I could toss in "head of household" and similar terms to point out the decision making process we have. Similarly, to a kinky person I can say "slave" and then mention the lack of whips & chains.

In my opinion, the primary reason these conversations are hard is because the kinky person doing the speaking wants them to be hard. They want to stress the differences and the alternativeness of it all and in the act of doing so, they alienate the listener -- deliberately.

As littlewonder said quite succinctly, My family knows I find dominant men attractive but they just think I am a very traditional girl with old fashioned morals and values. I don't wanna know about their sex lives and I'm sure they don't wanna know about mine. Honestly, a LOT of women find confident, successful, assertive men attractive so that's not really a big shocker. The "old fashioned values and morals" covers the rest of it nicely.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 10:46:55 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey little kitten,

I can't add much at all to the really superb responses you've had so far, except to really encourage you to go to your local munch/event. You seem to have a pretty sensible head on your shoulders, but making a wider circle of kink aware friends is always going to be a good thing. Maybe you could bring your Sister along with you?

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 10:50:22 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		Thankyou Cynthia and JeffBC. Your posts made a lot of sense. :)


Littlewonder, I do plan on doing the whole rl thing lol. I wouldn't give this much importance at all if I didn't. Me and mr. NZ have a lot in common, and we talk a lot daily. So yea. I'll definitely see where this goes.
I really would have preferred to keep him secret untll I met him for real though. But I had to explain him somehow, cos he was taking a lot of my time, and I was acting differently. And people started to pry and wonder.
And like I said... The reason I told her all this is because she is nosy and curious, and I suck at lying. I tried to explain it off initially with something more innocent, but believe it or not, I managed to screw that up even further and make it even weirder than the half truth I gave her. So yea. x_x Man I don't wanna feel like I did the wrong thing by telling her.
Eh, and the no-limits part is more of a trust-thing ^^ I don't fool myself into thinking that one can really exist with no limits at all.
Thank you for your post though :) It's much appreciated.

And thank you Whiplash, I hadn't thought of it like that :p



Funny thing is... I think my whole family is into kink in some way or another x_x I remember me and my sister spent a night at my dad's place once. He was gone somewhere, so we decided to watch a movie. We noticed he had Story of O in his collection, and my sister's curiosity was peaked. She didnt understand why he'd have such a movie lying around. I of course said nothing, I let her put it on. She seemed to be very foreign to this type of thing. I guess there were parts of it she thought were cool, but mostly she commented on how weird it was. Funniest thing was, we decided to ask my dad why he had that movie, so I did, and my sister's face immediately went red and said: I didnt watch that! >_< So im guessing her shyness about such thing is mostly just to her parents and strangers. Not that I blame her. She often speaks about her own sexlife to me. I'm just the one who always listen and never talks about herself.

I guess in a way... It would be nice enough if I could share these things with her, without her being alienated. I don't like having to go through hoops to explain why my daily life is as it is.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 10:51:59 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Hey little kitten,

I can't add much at all to the really superb responses you've had so far, except to really encourage you to go to your local munch/event. You seem to have a pretty sensible head on your shoulders, but making a wider circle of kink aware friends is always going to be a good thing. Maybe you could bring your Sister along with you?


I do plan attending the munches at some point. But bring along my sister? Lol.. I actually havent thought of that. I may consider it actually, if I find that her interest is peaked and wants to explore it.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 11:37:38 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		 
Honestly, I wouldn't give this another thought.  Your sister now knows (in your words) that you're "indeed kinky" -- leave it at that.  She doesn't NEED/HAVE to "understand" your interests/desires anymore than anyone needs/has to understand why some people like the color blue, and some like the color red.  It's really that simple.



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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/17/2012 11:54:49 PM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		Knowing my sister though, she will pry. And I have a feeling I left her more confused than enlightened when I tried to explain things. So I gotta do it right this time.

I wouldn't tell her more than necessary though. Like mentioned earlier, my goal isn't to shock. But me and my sister are very close. And she always wants to know what goes on with me. I know I could just say "no".... But since me and my sister live together, pushing her away more than I already do would probably make her sad. Im an introvert, so I don talk about myself to people much.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/19/2012 9:57:00 AM   
AngelOfSilence


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/8/2012
Status: offline 		Don't.

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RE: Please help me explain the lifestyle to my sister - 5/19/2012 10:35:32 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, I also think if it has to be explained at all it can just be explained in those sorts of general terms.
I do not discuss these issues with my family as I regard it as private. I am sure the family can see when I am in a relationship that there is not much disagreement (but that will simply look rather nice). When I was last with my sister and a dominant boyfriend and family I don't think anything would have been visible.

However you share a room with yours which is a bit more intimate and harder to keep things quiet and some people want to explain how they are to the family. I do find that when someone isn't made this way it can be very hard to explain. If I end up speaking to a man who is vanilla which sometimes happens and I had thought as my profiles say I'm submissive, that he must know what I mean it can be very awkward to explain it so I might say things like - I like the man to take decisions although ideally with consultation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
I refer to M as my boyfriend to vanilla people.

And I refer to Carol as my wife to vanilla people. I refer to her as my slave to kinky people. I'm not lying or misleading either time. I'm simply picking the word which is most likely to get closest to the mark in the listener's ears. If I say "slave" to a vanilla person they are either going to get ideas from the old south or ideas from porn depending on their predilection. Neither image is accurate. "Wife" on the other hand conjures images of a loving, long-term relationship which certainly hits the highlights. I could toss in "head of household" and similar terms to point out the decision making process we have. Similarly, to a kinky person I can say "slave" and then mention the lack of whips & chains.

In my opinion, the primary reason these conversations are hard is because the kinky person doing the speaking wants them to be hard. They want to stress the differences and the alternativeness of it all and in the act of doing so, they alienate the listener -- deliberately.

As littlewonder said quite succinctly, My family knows I find dominant men attractive but they just think I am a very traditional girl with old fashioned morals and values. I don't wanna know about their sex lives and I'm sure they don't wanna know about mine. Honestly, a LOT of women find confident, successful, assertive men attractive so that's not really a big shocker. The "old fashioned values and morals" covers the rest of it nicely.


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