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pompeii -> Does it apply to D/s? Admonishment, apparently for women, seeking men for a 'vanilla' relationship? (5/22/2012 8:24:55 AM)
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I just now saw this on the San Francisco Bay Area/Silicon Valley Craigslist and, having resonated with what was stated, I immediately wondered how much applies to women looking for men specifically for D/s relationships.
Bear in mind, this advert below was written (presumably) by a man who is (just as presumably) advising women for no other reason than to be himself a good caring citizen.
Personally, what he wrote resonates with me - the obvious caveat being I'm not a woman looking for a man for a relationship, D/s or otherwise.
Despite the fact this wasn't originally written to apply to D/s "profiles", I immediately wondered if, and how much applies to D/s lifestyle searches?
Therefore, in the hope that we (including me) may learn from the discussion - I pointedly ask:
Q: How well would you say this advice below also applies to women seeking a D/s partner through the profiles here at CM?
Finding your man and keeping him - 48 (Love, Logic and Reality)
Date: 2012-05-18, 10:42PM PDT
Reply to: <removed>
The truth that will set us free is often the truth we don't want to hear.
Once I get past all the spam in the W4M section, I see many of the remaining "real" women still struggling to understand real men. Sometimes it takes a logical thought process and a willingness to face facts in order to find and keep your dream man.
I apologize in advance if I say something you don't want to hear, please just move on, and don't flag this post. Other women may be able to benefit from it, even if you are one of those rare women who don't need or wouldn't benefit from any any of those suggestions.
Rule #1. Get down to your optimal weight (notice I said optimal, not minimum). The more attractive the man you want (tall, educated, confident, successful, etc), the more attractive you must be. Truly confident and accomplished men are simply not attracted to overweight women. Go to the gym, get out and run. Stop eating junk food. A man may not be able to do anything about being shorter than 6' but you can certainly do something about the size of your waist. Take care of it, and you will be more likely to find a man who will take care of the rest of you. There is a reason why this rule is #1, its because this is the #1 thing that women try to rationalize their way around and hide, deny or dismiss. This disheartens and infuriates men more than any other factor, because women make it impossible for men to ever give them this feedback.
Rule #2. Be feminine. Transcend the war of the sexes. Be the hard-nosed professional at work, but in the presence of your man: learn the joys of surrendering. There is nothing more destructive than a woman who wants to be in control and get her own way, but doesn't take responsibility for her decisions (or the consequences of her emotional excursions to get what she wants). This does not mean be a doormat. It means offer him the polarity of your feminine essence, and you will bring out the polarity of his masculine integrity. The combination is indescribably beautiful, and is the foundation of a long-lasting, deeply loving and spiritually grounded relationship. Read David Deida's "Dear lover" for insight.
Rule #3. If you don't want to feel "controlled" by him, then earn your own way in life. Develop a career (not just a part time or 9-5 job). This will at least get you out of the stage one (macho male / submissive housewife) relationship that your parents had, into stage two (equal) relationship; but equal relationships don't last, have you checked the divorce statistics recently? You must learn to transcend both: stand up for yourself, demand the respect you are due as a human being, but also contribute financially to the relationship (either directly, OR by supporting your man in tangible ways that help him in his work). If you don't want to do either of these alternatives, then stop whining about the man controlling you, he is only trying to do the best he can in the circumstances you have constrained him to.
Rule #4. Men are not mind readers: its not his job to make you happy, its yours. If you want something from a man, then tell him, don't make him guess. A man who is in love with you will go to the ends of the earth to try and make you happy, but if you are unconscious about it, you will burn him out and use him up (not to mention his capacity to provide for you financially). Take responsibility for yourself, learn with him how to create a truly evolved and conscious relationship, only then will he be be able to take "radical responsibility" for both himself, and you, and the health and direction of your relationship.
Rule #5. Men are stupid. Its the nature of the relative disconnection in the two hemispheres of our brains. We don't have your emotional fluidity or ability to multitask. But we often do have a logical intelligence, and a strong heart which gives us the ability to conquer fear, and to go out and slay dragons in the world, especially in an economy like we have now. Integrity is a primary currency between men, we don't understand that this is not true for women. If you "say" you value integrity in your man, and he has given you his heart, then stop manipulating him with your superior emotional intelligence. Tell him straight what you need, in as many different ways as you can, and trust that he will hear you one day and figure out how to give it to you.
Rule #6. Men want sex and have fantasies all the time, OK? He needs your feminine energy to be calm, collected and inspired as he goes out into the world to create a secure future for you both. Without it, men become neurotic, disoriented, and lose their sense of purpose. Think of it as sexual food: without which your man will wither and die. Yes, women have their needs too, but in men the need appears to be far more essential to their well-being and ability to function. If you dismiss, disregard, or try to suppress the sexual needs of your man, you will eventually lose him. Maybe not this week or this month, but certainly one day. What most men mean when they say "irreconcilable differences" is something like, she stopped giving me blow jobs (or whatever was his favorite bedroom activity) as soon as our honeymoon was over. What most women mean by "irreconcilable differences" something like, he stopped showing me affection and I no longer felt loved. This is a quid-pro quo: you don't get one without the other. It is the responsibility of you both to give the other what they need, consistently, and for long after the honeymoon is over. Your man needs regular "sexual healing", more than he even knows, or may be willing to admit to himself.
Rule #7. Recognize that you are in a "Market" for men to find (just as men are in a "Market" for you). Learn how to be more marketable to the men you want (you know, those handsome, intelligent, successful ones ...). But don't make the mistake of thinking you know what that might be (apart from rule #1 above). Take a look at the w4m, and m4w postings: compare them. See, for example, how often the word spanking comes up in men's postings, and how infrequently it comes up in the women's section. In economics, this is called finding a hole in the market. Open your mind, realize that something like a spanking fantasy, in the vast majority of cases, is harmless yet extremely potent sexually for men. Some men just like the activity (or the idea of it), so if you don't like the idea of being a recipient, then look at the postings for men wanting to be on the receiving end (see Melinda Maximova article in the SF Examiner on "spanking-your-man"). (NOTE: the suggestion for spanking is just an example, look for your own "holes" in the market", and open up your mind to the possibilities to find that Mr. Right - often the more intelligent, capable and successful men are also the ones with the more elaborate imaginations when it comes to fantasies ).
Rule #8. Don't stand for men who lie, steal, or are unable to keep down a job or can't get off drugs (including alcohol). Toss them back in the sea, they are not worth having (yet). You will serve them better by rejecting them, AND being clear about why you are rejecting them! Men are learning machines: they thrive on challenge and rejection: they will learn to be the men they were meant to be if they are given the message clearly and consistently by women. Maybe at some time in the future, those same men will become worth having; they won't get that way if you cut them any slack regarding their basic traits of character and integrity.
Rule #9. Women are crazy, and its not always men that make them that way. Women do this to themselves quite nicely thank you. Men can learn to live with this, but if you want to grow and thrive together, and have a continuously deepening and connected relationship with a fabulous man, then cultivate a trust for your man when YOU get into those states (or at least learn to meet him half way). Ultimately, he can make better decisions, and take far better care of you if you if you trust his judgment. He is probably looking at a much bigger picture, and of many potential dangers to be avoided and opportunities to be optimized than are in your immediate zone of awareness.
Rule #10. When you find a good man. Hang onto him. There aren't that many of them hanging around being single for long (or haven't you noticed?).
One final point: demanding a picture in an initial interaction is no longer appropriate on Craigslist. Men know that the W4M section is swamped by criminals sex workers and and spammers. Quality men value their privacy and simply won't send pictures to anonymous email addresses who have a high probability of being fake. The spam merchants are also getting more sophisticated, so make allowances, and adjust your demands and expectations to match where the world is today, otherwise, you will simply end up inadvertently rejecting the higher quality men on this site, along with your dream man, without even realizing it.
EDIT: Emphasis added by Pompeii ... (ps. We men are often like dogs ... most, like me, are very very very simple to understand ... and very easy to please ... and horrifically horny all the God danged time, whether we want to be or not ... and you women are the most delicious delights we know! IMHO).
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