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ADomDoc -> OLE, LENA & SVEN (6/6/2006 3:31:20 PM)
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Anybody got any good ones to add? :-)
One day Ole drops dead. Lena is really upset, and finally goes to see a psychic. The psychic dims the lights and peers into her crystal ball. "I'm trying to contact the spirit of Ole Swensen," she chants.
"Ole Swensen, I summon you forth. . . ." The wind ruffles the curtains, the candles flicker, and there's a quiet voice.
"Yes?" says the voice. "Who's calling me?"
Lena can't believe her ears. "Ole!?" she gasps. "Is that you?"
"It sure is, honey," says the voice. "How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine, Ole, but. . . how are you? Is it, uh, warm where you are?"
"Oh, it's very nice here," says Ole. "But it's not what I expected."
"Not what you expected, dear? What do you mean? What's it like?"
"Well, let's see. . . I get up in the morning, have something to eat, and have sex. Then I walk around a little bit and have some more sex. Then I take a nap, have sex, and eat lunch. After lunch, I walk around some more, have sex, take another nap, have sex again, and then it's time for dinner. Then after dinner, I'll have sex and then it's bed time."
There's a long pause. "Gee, Ole," Lena says finally, "that's not at all what I thought heaven was going to be like!"
Ole replies, "Who said anything about heaven? I'm a bull in Wyoming!"
Ole: Sven, you should be more careful about pulling down your window shades. I saw you and Lena making love last night.
Sven: Ha, the joke's on you. I wasn't home last night!
Lena: I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour.
Male friend: But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do.
Lena: I know... but if you're going to you'd better hurry up
Lena to male friend: Do you know how to sell vacuum cleaners?
Male friend: No.
Lena: Well, you'd better learn fast... that's my husband coming up the sidewalk.
Ollie is leaning over the railing of bridge. Lena comes by.
LENA: Now Ollie what are you doing, I thought you had a cold?
OLLIE: (with an obvious stuffed nose) I have a terrible cold my nose is all stuffed up.
LENA: Then what are you doing here. Looking at the water?
OLLIE: I am fishing.
LENA: (confused since there is no rod or line.) Fishing?
OLLIE: Yes. My nose is running so bad that the snot drips all the way to the water. Then when a fish snapsat it I go ... SNORT (sucking his mucus back in) ...and ... I catch a fish.
Ole was the only Lutheran in his little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. So the neighbors got together and went over and persuaded Ole to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
One day Ole decided to build a new outhouse.
As he was just finishing, Sven came by and started up a conversation. "So whatcha gonna do with the old outhouse, Ole" Sven asked.
"I donno" Ole replied.
Sven said "Say, I got an idea."
The end result of the discussion was a plan to go get some old dynamite out of Sven's barn and blow up the old outhouse just for some fun. As Sven and Ole were back behind the woodpile busy wiring up the plunger, Lena came out of the house and went into the old outhouse. A moment later, the dynamite went off and Lena ended up in the front yard with bits and pieces of the old outhouse coming down all around her.
"My goodness", she said, "it's a good thing I didn't do that in the house!!!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail deer, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said with a sprinkle of seasoning, "now you are a walleye!"
Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only 3 fish, and Sven says,
The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400.
Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did.
I need to buy some boards there, Sven.
How long you want 'em, Ole?
Long time. I'm building a house, ya know.
Ole lay dying, and he said, "Is my wife here?" Lena said, "Are my children here?" they said, "Yes, we're all here." He said, "Are my relatives all here?" They said, "Yes. We're all here." Ole said, "If you're all here, why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Ole was first dating Lena, and he took her to New Ulm. In the restaurant Ole said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" After dinner, he said, "Hey, would you like a cigarette?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Ole vas driving Lena home when they passed the Romeo Motel. He said, "Hey, Lena, how would you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot would be nice," said Lena. Ole asked, "But vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "The same ting I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says:
I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?
I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough.
Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Yeah, he had it bronzed.
So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says,
This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life.
And Ole says, Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings.
Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?
I don't know, Ole.
Only two, if you run them through real slow.
Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?
No, it's because you're NINETEEN.
So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?
Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"
So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
Yup, and they're boat for sale.
Hello? Funeral home?
Yes?
It's Ole. My wife Lena died.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?
At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
Can you spell that for me?
How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?
So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?" "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help." ---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help." "No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Polish people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"
Olie was in the drugstore with his young son. The young boy pointed to a shelf and asked, "What are those, Dad?"
Olie replied, "Those are condoms, son. They're for protection during sex."
"Why are some three-to-a-pack?"
"That's for when you're in high school: Two for Friday night and one for Saturday night."
"Why are some six-to-a-pack?"
"That's for when you're in college. There's two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning."
"And there are some twelve-to-a-pack. What are they for?"
"That's for when you're married. There's one for January, one for February..."
Ole and Sven go to the beach. Sven says, "Hey der Ole, none of da girls are lookin' at me. How am I gonna find a gud wife?"
Ole says, "Sven, put this potato in yer svimsuit and da girls will go crazy over yer."
Sven does as he's told but the girls are even more repulsed by Sven than they were before (if that was possible). Sven is confused and more than a little sunburnt when he says...
"Ole, I put da potato in my svimsuit and da girls are running from me faster than da sprint to da outhouse after lutefisk dinner!"
Ole looks over at Sven with a look of distain reserved solely for the Scandanavian and he says, "Uff da Ole! Ya need ta put da potato in the front of yer svimsuit...not da back."
Ole and Lena decided to have Sven over for chicken dinner. So Lena made the chicken and they sat down to eat. They were talking and laughing when Lena started to cough and gasp. She was choking. Sven said, "Oh Ole, you must do something!" So Ole goes over to Lena and grabs her by the ankles and turns her upside down. He pulls her panties up and starts licking her butt. All of a sudden the chicken bones come out on the floor. And Sven goes, "Oh Ole, I'm so glad you knew that "hind-lick" maneuver!!"
As told in your best Scan da hoovian accent!
Swen owned a farm on one side of the hill and Ole owned the farm on the other side. Swen had a seventeen year old daughter and Ole had a seventeen year old son, who was dating Swen's daughter. As the two young people got to know one another, the spent a lot of time at Swen's farm. The winters were long and cold, but the two young love birds would spend time doing chore's and other things.
One day Ole stopped by to visit Swen. Ole asked, "How are the young'ins doing ?"
To this Swen answered, " They have been fine, Ole, but I've been meaning to talk to you about that habit your son has! At first it was not a problem, but now, umping (j)immy. Every time I turn around, Christ all mighty man, you need to talk to him will ya!
Ole could not figure out what Swen was talking about... Ole asks, "What do you mean, my boy is a good worker, he has great manners, why... most people tell me he is a joy to have around..... What are you talking about!!"
Swen, getting excited now said, "I think we all have done this at one time or another, but this is too much. Your son has been pissing out side in the snow ! And it must stop now!! "
Ole could not believe what he heard, he asked, "Have you seen him do this Swen?? "
Swen: "No, but I know it's been him"
Ole: "Now How Do You Know it's been him..?"
Swen : "Because , .... he has been writing his name in the snow.... all over my farm, I see his name, over in the N. 40, over in the orchard, down by the stream, behind the barn..... why I seen his name, just out side the house, and Ole, this just frosts, my butt... under My Daughter's bedroom window!!!!"
Ole, feeling embarrassed said, "Well Swen, I can see now how you would be so up set, let's take a look under your daughters bedroom window. I want to see this for my self, so I can tell my son how embearished I am."
So the two men walk out side and take a look.... Ole had to turn around and put is back up against the house to read it, but sure enough, their in the snow was his son's name.... Ole said, "I'm so sorry Swen..... this is terrible.... this is .... is.......... hummm..... will you look at that..... why, I never.."
Swen could not see what Ole was talking about, "What is it Ole..??"
Ole said, "You see, it looks like , ya, it sure does.... that is not my son's handwriting,.... I believe it's your daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 "
Farmer Sven was having a bit of trouble with his bull, Toro. It seems Toro was not up to performing his "husbandly duties". Sven went to see his good friend & veterinarian Ola and explained the problem. Ola said, "I've got yust da ting. Have Toro take dees pills, and soon he'll a be yust as goot as new!. Of course Sven took the pills and gave them to Toro. The next morning, Toro had a big smile on his face, as did Farmer Sven's 5 cows! This continued for several days.
As luck would have it, Sven was discussing this with his neighbor Lars, and Lars said, "Hey, I am havin' da same trouble wit my Bull. What waz in doze pills dat Ola gave you for Toro??
"I don't know", said Sven, "But dey taste like chocolate!"
Ole invites the game warden to go fishing. The game warden says, "Sure," and pretty soon they're fishing on a beautiful, warm day, out in the middle of the lake, in Ole's boat. But the fishing's slow. In fact, after a couple of hours neither one has had so much as a nibble.
So Ole opens his tackle box, and as the game warden looks on in surprise, Ole takes a stick of dynamite from the tackle box, lights it, and tosses it overboard. BOOM!
A couple of minutes later, stunned fish float to the surface, and Ole scoops 'em up into the boat.
The game warden starts yelling, "Ole! You fool! You idiot! You could have gotten us killed! And for another thing, that's unsportsmanlike! Ole - I have to tell ya' - I'm gonna have to arrest ya'." And the game warden keeps spouting on and on and on.
After a couple of minutes, Ole calmly reaches into the tackle box, takes out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and tosses the dynamite right into the warden's lap.
"OK, Warden, what's it gonna be?" says Ole. "Are ya' gonna keep talkin', or are ya' gonna fish?"
On a bitter winter night, Lena woke up her husband Ole and said, "The baby's comin', Ole, you better call the doctor."
But the phone and electricity were out. Ole saddled up his horse and rode ten miles for the doctor. The doctor came back, examined Lena, and said, "Yah, she's in labor, all right. Ole, make yourself useful. Light a kerosene lantern an' hold it just right there, an' I'll deliver the baby."
Ole held the lantern and pretty soon the doctor said, "Here it comes, Ole, here it comes -- you're the father of a baby boy! But wait, Ole, hold the lantern steady, hold the lantern --" and a few minutes later, the doctor said, "It's twins, Ole, you're the father of twins! But hold the lantern steady, Ole, hold the lantern -- I think it's gonna be triplets!"
And Ole said, "Doctor, do you t'ink it's the light that's attractin' 'em, den?"
Ole goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I got two problems. First, I seen dat Bob Dole on TV talkin' about how Vigoro can help your sex life dere, so I been dissolvin' a tablespoon of Vigoro in half a glass of water an' drinkin' it before bed every night, but so far, It ain't done me a bit of good."
And the doctor says, "Ole, that's supposed to be Viagra. Vigoro ain't no medicine, it's just a fertilizer."
And Ole says, "Oh, well, dat explains the berries, den."
Sven had never been ice fishing before and thought he'd give it a try. He bought all the equipment and went out on the ice. He began to drill a hole when a voice from above boomed, "There's no fish here!" Sven looked around, picked up his stuff and moved about fifty feet. He began to drill another hole when the voice boomed again, "There's no fish here!" Sven looked up and asked sheepishly, "Are you God?" The voice answered, "No you idiot, I'm the rink manager!"
Ole was listening to a new radio station that featured big band music -- Tommy Dorsey, Glenn Miller -- and he asked Ole, Jr., if he'd ever listened to that station yet, and Junior replied "No, I don't listen to records they made before they had words."
The county game warden dies and Sven and Ole devise a plan that will hopefully land one of them in the position.
They flip a coin and Ole calls it.
"Heads" he cries. "You'd be callin the mayor Sven."
So Sven calls up the mayor and says: "Mayor, I hear the game warden died last night. If its alright with you, I'd like to take his place."
The Mayor replied:"It's alright with me if it's alright with the undertaker."
Sven and Ole go to the lake and rent a boat and go fishing. They eventually find a great spot and quickly catch their limit. On the way back to the dock, Ole says "Boy, that sure was good fishing. How will we ever find that place again?" Sven says "Don't worry. While we were there I put an X on the side of the boat." Ole says "You fool! That won't work!" "Why not?" "How do we know we'll get the same boat the next time?"
Sven and Ole were sittin' on the porch discussing Sven's job which is to caretake the town's prized cannon from the Civil War.
Sven says to Ole: Ole, I've about had it with my job."
Ole: How about you quit then Sven?
Sven: "Well Ole, I did, effective tomorrow."
Ole: Congratulations, Sven.
Sven: Yep, I've saved up enough money to buy me a cannon and go into business for myself.
Ole invites the game warden to go fishing. The game warden says, "Sure," and pretty soon they're fishing on a beautiful, warm day, out in the middle of the lake, in Ole's boat. But the fishing's slow. In fact, after a couple of hours neither one has had so much as a nibble. So Ole opens his tackle box, and as the game warden looks on in surprise, Ole takes a stick of dynamite from the tackle box, lights it, and tosses it overboard. BOOM! A couple of minutes later, stunned fish float to the surface, and Ole scoops 'em up into the boat. The game warden starts yelling, "Ole! You fool! You idiot! You could have gotten us killed! And for another thing, that's unsportsmanlike! Ole - I have to tell ya' - I'm gonna have to arrest ya'." And the game warden keeps spouting on and on and on.After a couple of minutes, Ole calmly reaches into the tackle box, takes out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and tosses the dynamite right into the warden's lap."OK, Warden, what's it gonna be?" says Ole. "Are ya' gonna keep talkin', or are ya' gonna fish?"
Ole and Lena were watching the local weather forecast one winter evening, and the weather man said it was going to snow at least eight inches. He also said that, to facilitiate snow removal, the mayor was directing that people park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. So Ole went out and moved his car to the even-numbered side of the street.The next night, the weather man said that citizens were to park their cars on the odd-numbered side of the street so that the rest of the snow could be removed. So Ole dutifully moved his car to the odd-numbered side of the street.A few days later, another blizzard was forecast, and the weather man again directed citizens to park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. Ole sighed, and said he was just too tired to go move the car."Oh, Ole," Lena said. "I have an idea. This time, just close the garage door and maybe they won't see our car."
One day Ole decided to build a new outhouse. As he was just finishing, Sven came by and started up a conversation. "So whatcha gonna do with the old outhouse, Ole", Sven asked. "I donno" Ole replied. Sven said "Say, I got an idea". The end result of the discussion was a plan to go get some old dynamite out of Sven's barn and blow up the old outhouse just for some fun.As Sven and Ole were back behind the woodpile busy wiring up the plunger, Lena came out of the house and went into the old outhouse. A moment later, the dynamite went off and Lena ended up in the front yard with bits and pieces of the old outhouse coming down all around her. "My goodness", she said, "it's a good thing I didn't do that in the house!!!"
Ole was in visiting at the new bank building, and to meet up with his banker he had to get into one of the elevators and head up to the 16th floor. The elevator went up two floors, stopped, and in walked beautiful and, for the most part, unapproachable, Leina. She smiled sideways at him with a coquettish look, and before the elevator even started on its way up, she had pressed the stop button. She then turned to Ole and said in throaty tones through beautiful pouty lips, "Ole, now's your chance to really make me feel like a woman." Without any more encouragement than that, Ole husked off all his clothes and tossed them in the corner. Then, with a knowing look in his eyes, and a bit of a smile turning on his face, Ole turned to Leina and whispered, "fold my clothes."
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