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Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 5:26:52 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I have seen threads on the Boards lately about people being open re: one's involvement in BDSM in an effort to promote tolerance in general society for it. In your opinion, just how open or private should an individual be while still promoting tolerance for BDSM in general?

Personally, I feel it's no one's business what I do in my private life and I don't need to tell anyone what I, specifically, do in my own life to promote such tolerance. However, I do promote tolerance everyday with my actions towards people who are different than me and what I tolerate from others.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, bring it on. Let's hear your opinions.

NBMG

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RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 5:48:27 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I don't give away any private details about myself as I don't feel it is beneficial, however if the subject comes up of WIITWD, I do promote sane, reasonable conversation about it. I don't need to give away personal details in order to put the lid on wild speculation or negative stereotyping.

The much younger women in my class were talking about 50 Shades of Grey during lunch last week and getting a bit worked up over the subject matter. I didn't let them know I do that every weekend, just kind of interjected a few common sense comments when the subject matter started getting rather sensational which brought them back down to earth a bit. I just try to give people a positive view of BDSM and have it be something they can mull over without showing my hand too much. I do NOT need to stand out and be known as that kinky woman. I've worked too hard to get to where I am to have my personal life influence how people think of me.

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RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 5:50:19 PM   
AngelOfSilence


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/8/2012
Status: offline 		It depends entirely on one's circumstance. I would have no issue being open about it personally, but I cannot because of who I am involved with.

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RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 6:08:44 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I think there are ways to promote tolerance without opening myself up to being judged for my private life and how I conduct it, but to each his/her own.

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RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 6:26:03 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone else should do anything. I think that I make a choice to be open for a few reasons.

  • I have structured my life such that I am not dependent on some employer liking me.
  • I am very vanilla-like in a lot of ways so I make a decent point of first contact for a vanilla person.
  • I believe in authenticity and integrity which, among other things, means to me that my life is not compartmentalized.
  • I think those things perhaps maybe might be good for other BDSM people over time.

    That's really it. It's not some big personal agenda of mine to bring kink out of the closet. Nor do I think of myself as somehow superior because I choose to expose some of the details of my marriage. I promote tolerance mostly by not accepting intolerance when I run across it. I see my openness as a personal choice based upon my own life circumstances and my own standards for honor. It has NOTHING to do with what anyone else does.



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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 6:38:43 PM   
    IrishMist


    Posts: 7480
    Joined: 11/17/2005
    Status: offline     		Most of those who I work with, know about me. Not because I stand there and 'tell' everyone, but becuase those who asked, were told the truth. What they do with or how they react to that truth is their business, not mine. I don't feel that it is my responsibility to teach an adult how to act like an adult.

    My kids, growing up, knew about their father and I. What they did not or could not understand, they asked about and were told the truth. Growing up around us, they learned to accept others differences easily. They may not have understood our lives, but they accepted them; that was all we required from them.

    Before I removed the collar that I wore, I would have strangers on the street ask me about it. They were told the truth. Again, what they did or how they reacted to that truth was their business.

    It's not my responsibility to police the reactions of others. Nor do I find it necessary to force them to accept a tolerant attitude. If a person wants to act like a bigoted fool...that's their choice. Just as it is my choice to not hide behind lies and deceit out of fear of others attitudes.

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 6:39:14 PM   
    MissImmortalPain


    Posts: 2440
    Joined: 4/1/2011
    Status: offline     		I told Lizi this awhile back and I guess I will just share it with you too. My favorite t-shirt says "Whats your safe word" on it. My liveins favorite(which I bought for him) says "On your knees bitch" and has a picture of a lady with a whip on it. When we wear them if people stop to ask what they mean ...I tell them. That is about as open and tolerant as I get.

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 6:44:31 PM   
    DarkSteven


    Posts: 28072
    Joined: 5/2/2008
    Status: offline     		I have three different personas: my kink persona, my amateur comic persona, and my vanilla persona. I try to erect firewalls between them.

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 7:03:05 PM   
    AurumCaminus


    Posts: 50
    Joined: 10/30/2008
    From: Cleveland, OH
    Status: offline     		In my experience most people really don't care and would rather not know.

    I once heard a saying, "People would be much less concerned about what other people thought of them if they realized just how infrequently other people actually thought about them."

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    Profile   Post #: 9
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 7:06:08 PM   
    LadyPact


    Posts: 32566
    Status: offline     		While I appreciate the spirit of the OP, (and I'm very glad the subject was brought up) I have to question the wording a bit.  I don't know if it's necessarily promoting tolerance just because a person is open or not.  It may be educating folks who aren't familiar with certain things, but it's still up to the receiver of such information to choose if they are tolerant of other behaviors or not.

    In that vain, a person can be either a good resource or a bad one.  Like it or not, some of that comes down to how well the information is presented.  Part of that is the information that you possess and another part has to do with personality.  Not everybody is a good communicator.  If your vanilla acquaintances see you as a self absorbed asshole the majority of the time, that's also what you are passing on as far as stereotyping.  If you (general you) already fit a negative impression, maybe you're not as good of an ambassador to the vanilla folks as you think you are.  There is tons of information that people can access.  Suggest another voice if yours carries a negative influence.

    As far as openness, I have something of a sliding scale.  I will tell people the truth, though if it's too personal to Me, I will tell keep within My own boundaries.  My sex life is generally off limits when it comes to people's curiosity unless I am comfortable enough with them to discuss it.  Things like sadism, poly, protocol, (and you'd be surprised how many vanilla folks ask about protocol) how I got started, where I buy stuff.........  Those kinds of things are usually free game.


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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 7:17:59 PM   
    TNDommeK


    Posts: 7153
    Joined: 3/13/2010
    Status: offline     		Great topic. I would say that we are open with our lifestyle to a certain extent. Meaning, we aren't telling folks what goes on in the bedroom, but people around here know us and who we are. When I hear people saying things like "BDSM is whips and chains and beating people", I retort by telling them "that's just the fun part, there is so much more to it than that". If some of My close friends ask Me things about the lifestyle, I'll tell them. If I hear total strangers talking about it, then I say nothing unless they ask My opinion. Hope this answers your questions.

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 7:26:18 PM   
    LaTigresse


    Posts: 26123
    Joined: 1/15/2006
    Status: offline     		I don't feel anyone should be a crusader. Certainly I promote tolerance in many aspects. But I do not believe that any one person should feel a requirement to make themself a poster child for any cause or lifestyle.

    It's a personal choice.

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 7:29:12 PM   
    NiceButMeanGirl


    Posts: 2756
    Joined: 11/4/2011
    From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: LadyPact
    While I appreciate the spirit of the OP, (and I'm very glad the subject was brought up) I have to question the wording a bit.  I don't know if it's necessarily promoting tolerance just because a person is open or not.  It may be educating folks who aren't familiar with certain things, but it's still up to the receiver of such information to choose if they are tolerant of other behaviors or not.


    Yeah, I think my wording was off some. I was just IMing with a friend and we thought up this idea for a thread. What was getting to me was that some people use "promoting tolerance" as an excuse to splash their private sexuality all over the place. I can think of at least one thread I saw in General BDSM that mentioned it just earlier today. So I was just curious about others' views on this.

    NBMG


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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 8:11:08 PM   
    LPslittleclip


    Posts: 1163
    Joined: 9/29/2007
    Status: offline     		i agree with LadyPact if i am aproached i will answer questions and give what info i can but if it is about specfic details of what i do and with who then i say no. most that ask me are intrested and just want more info i do not shout about it in public if they want to know they will ask.

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    LadyPact

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    Profile   Post #: 14
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 8:28:33 PM   
    littlewonder


    Posts: 15659
    Status: offline     		Personally, my private life is just that....private. I don't believe in any kind of "bdsm lifestyle" or having to be open and tolerant of bdsm. When I see people talking about how they promote bdsm and they're open about their sex life, the first thing I think is pretentious.

    Imo there's a time and a place for everything and my sex life means it's not open to the entire world.

    I don't wanna know how you fuck your guy/gal. Keep it to yourself.



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    Profile   Post #: 15
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 8:36:36 PM   
    BitaTruble


    Posts: 9779
    Joined: 1/12/2006
    From: Texas
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

    I have seen threads on the Boards lately about people being open re: one's involvement in BDSM in an effort to promote tolerance in general society for it. In your opinion, just how open or private should an individual be while still promoting tolerance for BDSM in general?


    I would be highly doubtful of anyone who claims they engage in BDSM so they can promote tolerance for it in general society. Even to make such a statement is very self-serving and just flat out unbelievable. I mean, seriously.. 'I get my ass beat for the greater good of mankind and to promote tolerance and understanding'. It reads silly because it is silly.

    I got bridges and swamps I tell ya.. bridges and swamps.

    IMO, BDSM is just not the sort of thing that lends itself to altruism.

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    Profile   Post #: 16
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 8:52:50 PM   
    ResidentSadist


    Posts: 12580
    Joined: 2/11/2007
    From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
    Status: offline     		'I feel it's no one's business what I do in my private life"

    However, I do not hide anything either. My girls wear property tags in public where it isn't a fashion crime. Where tags or collars are distasteful, they wear it wrapped around their ankle instead of their neck. They address me as Sir not Master in public. As far as educating the public, from 1971 to 2005 I have been active in community efforts donating my time and money. A far as personal inquires, like the nail salon, doctor, butcher etc, I simply tell them we live an alternative life style and leave it at that.

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    Profile   Post #: 17
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 9:20:21 PM   
    Karmastic


    Posts: 1650
    Joined: 4/5/2012
    From: Los Angeles
    Status: offline     		fr-

    i'm pretty open on this site, and close friends know a bit as well.

    i don't feel a duty to spread tolerance of BDSM, but i do agree with how NiceButMeanGirl put it.


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    Profile   Post #: 18
    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 10:43:54 PM   
    sincelo


    Posts: 122
    Joined: 12/30/2011
    Status: offline     		I have no need for people to think BDSM is OK. I'm like many others ..i don't hide it but i don't yell it off the rooftop either. When i engage in a conversation i take the angle of the dynamic .. not the fucked up kinky sex.

    < Message edited by sincelo -- 5/28/2012 10:44:35 PM >

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    RE: Promoting Tolerance - 5/28/2012 11:03:04 PM   
    stellauk


    Posts: 1360
    Status: offline     		Why?

    I've got to be honest here. While I'm all for promoting tolerance and advocating a greater degree of social cohesion and acceptance between people I feel that kinksters are nowhere near the top of the list.

    How about starting with people such as the disabled? The mentally ill? People who are poor or who are on welfare? You know? People who are often stigmatized and who often have to deal with prejudice and denial of opportunities that the rest of us take for granted?

    The thing about achieving greater tolerance in society is that it is best achieved when you work towards equality rather than working towards inequality and promoting your own subculture and social group. This is something I have been saying and working towards for some years now through my own activism, particularly within the LGBT community.

    A greater acceptance for people interested in BDSM isn't going to come until some of the bigger issues of inequality have been resolved, such as gay marriage and civil partnerships for heterosexual couples. When you have the freedom to love someone else and honour that relationship through choice however which way you choose whether it be a civil ceremony or a religious ceremony - that is when you have equality and that is also when you have tolerance. Many gays and lesbians have the support of someone who is heterosexual - whether it be family or friends - therefore even without embracing or accepting homosexuality as part of your own lifestyle equality is merely a matter of wishing someone else can be loved an be happy the same as you.

    When you work towards greater acceptance and tolerance of others in society, that is when you achieve it not just for them, but also for yourself. No need to preach to the masses or get up on a soapbox, it's enough to be seen to be accepting and tolerant of others through your own decisions and actions.



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