quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden


This is a power trip on his part. He's making you suffer till he tells you he's done, or he's making you suffer till he tells you he'll forgive you. That's just a shitty thing to do someone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden


This is a power trip on his part. He's making you suffer till he tells you he's done, or he's making you suffer till he tells you he'll forgive you. That's just a shitty thing to do someone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

But not speaking to you??? WTF?

That's childish, like having a temper tantrum or emotional blackmail.

Or it could be he needs time to cool off for awhile.

I've done that at times...walked away and not spoken to the person for awhile because I didn't want to make the situation worse by exploding. Instead, by not speaking to the person I was able to put myself together, become calm and rational so that we could talk it out when I was ready.

So I wouldn't say it's all that childish....just the opposite. I would rather someone not speak to me than they explode and argue. I want to be able to talk in a rational and calm manner.

So, imo, let him take his break. Just tell him you'd like to apologize and that when he's ready you'd like to be able to talk to him like two rational adults and see if something can be renewed.

quote:

I'm a relationship therapist and one very common relationship dynamic is the distancer/persuer. We have to be careful as Dommes not to overpersue or they will overdistance

quote:

ORIGINAL: HKPhoenix

I'm a relationship therapist and one very common relationship dynamic is the distancer/persuer. We have to be careful as Dommes not to overpersue or they will overdistance. In a healthy relationship both partners need to be able to talk about the negative feelings that our partners will inadvertantly cause. So subs need to be honest about their feelings or else they will distance (not good for the relationship) or they will be passive agressive(not good either) so here's my question, if subs are (in most cases) pleasers and find it hard to talk about feelings, is expecting a sub to be honest an oxymoron?

quote:

ORIGINAL: michiev

I don't know what to do to get him to come around and stop being so stubborn...<snip>...I said the wrong thing out of anger, It hurt him so much and I don't know how to make it better

quote:

ORIGINAL: michiev

I made a terrible mistake and my submissive is not speaking to me anymore, I don't know what to do to get him to come around and stop being so stubborn. (Me and him have been fighting on and off for the past month and I said the wrong thing out of anger, It hurt him so much and I don't know how to make it better.)

Any advice? Have any other dommes have their slave gotten upset/mad at them? And how did you resolve it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HKPhoenix

I'm a relationship therapist and one very common relationship dynamic is the distancer/persuer. We have to be careful as Dommes not to overpersue or they will overdistance. In a healthy relationship both partners need to be able to talk about the negative feelings that our partners will inadvertantly cause. So subs need to honest about their feelings or else they will distance (not good for the relationship) or they will be passive agressive(not good either) so here's my question, if subs are (in most cases) pleasers and find it hard to talk about feelings, is expecting a sub to be honest an oxymoron?

quote:

I'm having the same problem with my master... but we are scene beginners. and still trying out our dynamics. At least it seems to go u and down quite offen... but right now he wont talk to me. :<

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

quote:

ORIGINAL: HKPhoenix

I'm a relationship therapist and one very common relationship dynamic is the distancer/persuer. We have to be careful as Dommes not to overpersue or they will overdistance. In a healthy relationship both partners need to be able to talk about the negative feelings that our partners will inadvertantly cause. So subs need to honest about their feelings or else they will distance (not good for the relationship) or they will be passive agressive(not good either) so here's my question, if subs are (in most cases) pleasers and find it hard to talk about feelings, is expecting a sub to be honest an oxymoron?

I trust that you have a link to data on this?

and...

a "relationship therapist"????

lmao.. is that from a matchbook cover? Fyi.. "therapist" is a protected professional term, require licensure from your state governing body. It's illegal to hold yourself out as one, just like it's illegal to practice law or medicine without a license. Furthermore, just because someone describes a dynamic and gives it a label, doesn't mean it's valid or reliable. (If you don't understand the empirical implications of validity and reliability then you're in over your head.)

I'm not trying to crap on your parade, and perhaps you've been helpful to some friends etc. But don't misrepresent yourself or your abilities.. it will ultimately cause more harm than good.

quote:

I'm having the same problem with my master... but we are scene beginners. and still trying out our dynamics. At least it seems to go u and down quite offen... but right now he wont talk to me. :<

quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

To the OP-if you messed up, apologize.

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

quote:

ORIGINAL: HKPhoenix

I'm a relationship therapist and one very common relationship dynamic is the distancer/persuer. We have to be careful as Dommes not to overpersue or they will overdistance. In a healthy relationship both partners need to be able to talk about the negative feelings that our partners will inadvertantly cause. So subs need to honest about their feelings or else they will distance (not good for the relationship) or they will be passive agressive(not good either) so here's my question, if subs are (in most cases) pleasers and find it hard to talk about feelings, is expecting a sub to be honest an oxymoron?

I trust that you have a link to data on this?

and...

a "relationship therapist"????

lmao.. is that from a matchbook cover? Fyi.. "therapist" is a protected professional term, require licensure from your state governing body. It's illegal to hold yourself out as one, just like it's illegal to practice law or medicine without a license. Furthermore, just because someone describes a dynamic and gives it a label, doesn't mean it's valid or reliable. (If you don't understand the empirical implications of validity and reliability then you're in over your head.)

I'm not trying to crap on your parade, and perhaps you've been helpful to some friends etc. But don't misrepresent yourself or your abilities.. it will ultimately cause more harm than good.

Google results for relationship therapist

To the above person, please don't try to misrepresent your knowledge regarding what others call them selves. Although known by several names, relationship therapy is well known as legit.

quote:

.

Guilty of a knee-jerk post here. It's just bloody hard to find any form of therapy which isn't ultimately about relationships. And I know this because I've been licensed in various states, ivy league graduate school, had my own practice, designed programs, got places accredited with the Joint Commission, written policies and procedures, been published yada yada. etc. Furthermore, the whole distancer/pursuer concepts started with Murray Bowen ( a kingpin in the biz IMO) and then Fogerty (a protege of his from the 70's) who ran with it. So for folks to be talking about "relationship therapy" and the whole approach/avoidance or rose-by-any-other-name-yet-again dynamic pisses me off as if this info will help the OP, pushed a button for me. Even if she's licensed, saying "we as dommes have to be careful not to overpursue" is just psychobabble to me. I.e., the jargon isn't helpful. Just call it what it is.

Dominants don't have a monopoly on pursuit (sheesh... my friggin' email which I can't even keep up with is testimony to that). Pursuit is typically manifest by the person with the least power in the relationship (and that's fluid by the way). In this case the dominant is pursuing, and therefore has the least (functional) power.

Chasing someone who feels they have good reason to stay away from you is not going to work. We don't need jargon to tell us that, even if it's packaged as new and improved jargon.


(And I still think it's childish to give anyone the silent treatment... which is qualitatively different from calming down so that you can digest what happened and then make a rational decision about how you want to handle it.)