Hello, Need advice. (Full Version)

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Borch -> Hello, Need advice. (10/29/2004 6:32:16 PM)

Hi, I'm not used to asking for help but I'm frustrated in my pursuit of a submissive.Not many in my area.So here is my question.Give up what I am for a normal relation. Or should I move to where the lifestyle is more welcome.Minniapolis or St.Louis.They are both good places.



SentForu -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (10/29/2004 6:43:39 PM)

Borch,
I wouldn't do any of those things. In my search, I've just learned to be patient. If you give up for a "normal" relationship, it'd be a mistake. You'd always feel like something's lacking. Which, could lead to many things, from bitterness to cheating. As for moving just to find a good submissive, that sounds a bit drastic to me. I'd wait till I found her first...[;)] Patience, patience, patience, my I hate that word !!!!!!! Sorry Masters, for posting in your area.



BeachMystress -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (10/29/2004 6:47:19 PM)

Oh boy.. what a question. The only one who can answer it is you. Are you willing to uproot your life and possibly still not find someone who suits you? That could happen. Eeeks. Personally, if I didn't have strong ties to an area, I would consider moving to feed my kink. Would it be good for you? I don't know. How far afield have you looked? I have a pair of links to Iowa stuff that might be helpful for you. Good hunting.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Northwest_Iowa_BDSM/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BoundandGaggedinIowa1/



willing2serve -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (10/30/2004 7:27:56 AM)

Agreed.....patience patience patience...I also agree, I hate the word patience....

I always knew online relationships or long distant relationships was not what I needed..being new to this type of life, I knew I needed more of a "hands-on" approach. During my frustration and meeting so many Doms locallay, I was almost to the point of settling for long distance because of the Dom, he was...not just because he was a warm body...but thankfully, I met someone that fulfills my needs and is less than 30 miles away...So again, if I had not had patience, I certainly would have been missing out on a wonderful experience...I am a true believer, everything is for a reason.

I wish you much success; however you define it.
~D~



cheeba0228 -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (10/30/2004 7:47:18 AM)

very well put. I like the suggestion. I live in MI and the scene her isnt that great. but Ive found that if you search anywhere to find someone with the possibility of moving later it works better. Like always if you narrow your search for the perfect fit then expect it to take a lifetime ot find them. I suggest like Myra said find what you want then move. otherwise you could just be chasing a dream. Also i dont know how long it took you to find someone but Ive been searching and found 2 people after 2 and a half years. And Im still not convinced they are the ONE I am looking for. So be patient.



RiotGirl -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (10/31/2004 11:06:30 PM)

Patience is a virtue



MrThorns -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/1/2004 5:29:10 AM)

Borch,

There is also an option of starting an organization in your area. Send out some emails, make fliers, organize a munch, have a play party, fetish movie night, etc. You may find that there are quite a few people who are interested in BDSM and would welcome an active group in the area.

~Thorns



Goodmix -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/1/2004 5:40:45 AM)

maybe a "google" search for "Real Time" groups in Your area. "Minniapolis BDSM" or something like that. if you look up Baltimore BDSM you will find BESS (Baltimore Education and Social Society) and getting out in the real world with like minded people is great.
BESS has: education meetings, munches, workshops, play parties....

there ain't nothing like the real thing !



TaurusMCMLVIII -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/4/2004 12:34:34 PM)

quote:

Hi, I'm not used to asking for help but I'm frustrated in my pursuit of a submissive.Not many in my area.So here is my question.Give up what I am for a normal relation. Or should I move to where the lifestyle is more welcome.Minniapolis or St.Louis.They are both good places.


Anyone who answers this question is wrong right off the bat. Instead of asking for an answer that can only be given by yourself, you should be asking for new tools to help uncover the sub of your dreams. From my own personal opinion, if I felt that frustrated then I would have to ask myself which is worse- the frustration of keep looking or the frustration of "re-aligning" my BDSM desires.



MrDom -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/4/2004 7:49:55 PM)

No one but yourself can make that decision. As it is your life, not ours.

Ask yourself the following questions and consider your answers.

a. Can you life a 'just vanilla' lifestyle and be happy doing so?

b. Do you really want to move?

As others have said, be patient, don't look for it as it will find you quicker if you don't. But yes, look in your area for RL BDSM groups or BDSM minded individuals. Perhaps if there is no group but you find some kindred spirits you could organize a group as there are bound to be more souls in your neck of the woods facing the same dilemma you are. Unfortunately society has put a stigma on BDSM so most people are afraid to come out or have no idea what these feelings are they are experiencing.




Estring -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/4/2004 11:55:15 PM)

quote:

Anyone who answers this question is wrong right off the bat. Instead of asking for an answer that can only be given by yourself, you should be asking for new tools to help uncover the sub of your dreams. From my own personal opinion, if I felt that frustrated then I would have to ask myself which is worse- the frustration of keep looking or the frustration of "re-aligning" my BDSM desires.


I think he's asking for opinions and help. Obviously he has to decide for himself. You basically answered him back with his original questions. How does that help?



TaurusMCMLVIII -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/7/2004 9:19:52 PM)

quote:

quote:

Anyone who answers this question is wrong right off the bat. Instead of asking for an answer that can only be given by yourself, you should be asking for new tools to help uncover the sub of your dreams. From my own personal opinion, if I felt that frustrated then I would have to ask myself which is worse- the frustration of keep looking or the frustration of "re-aligning" my BDSM desires.

I think he's asking for opinions and help. Obviously he has to decide for himself. You basically answered him back with his original questions. How does that help?


OK, OK. Since you twisted my arm, I'll be more direct. I am asumming that he did investigate all avenues. If so then I suggest giving up. Channel you energies into other interests. When you find a vanilla someone and you still have an interest in BDSM then you can very subtly introduce BDSM. It will have to be slow and gradual but if you have good communications and honesty then there's a good chance that you just may "have your cake and eat it too!"



Suleiman -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/7/2004 10:02:24 PM)

Change careers. become a dental hygenist. get your kicks from not giving enough anesthetic to your patients.

At least, that's how I explain the witch that put my fillings in last year. I had to force myself into low-level sub-space just to survive the experience.



Voltare -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/8/2004 11:50:12 AM)

I would hardly advocate seeking a 'normal' relationship - but that doesn't mean you should ignore 'normal' means of finding someone.

The easiest way to find someone, is to be social. You're not likely to find a slave or sub who matches your interests exactly if you lock your doors and windows and hide in a bomb shelter. People who share tastes in BDSM often share tastes in other things, like movies, books, music, etc. Besides, it doesn't really matter if you both have a fetish for dacryphilia or double penetrations, if you can't stand each others music, politics, or religious beliefs. Finding someone who matches you at least on the surface can lead to something far more rewarding down the line.

Good luck!

Stephan



Yankeestick -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/8/2004 2:11:36 PM)

quote:

it doesn't really matter if you both have a fetish for dacryphilia


Ahhh....I learned a new word today. Thanks!

And yes, I have a bit of dacryphilia - like Georgie Porgie, who loved to kiss the girls and make them cry.



Nvernilla -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/8/2004 4:20:08 PM)

Will you ever be happy as a nilla? The real question is do you like the snow in Minn e apolis or would you like to be warmer? There seems to be a higher percentage of subs in the south too.....maybe the heat does sompthin to em....maybe they are just abnormally intelligent??? ...Mykal



UtahGoddess -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/15/2004 7:22:57 AM)


I know I am posting in the Ask a Master section, but this thread caught my attention and I felt compelled to reply.

I am going to address this question from a different perspective. (Though probably an unpopular one)

I have found that as Dom/mes.....we want what we want. We sometimes overlook subs because they are not exactly what we are seeking. But we rarely consider what the "sub of our dreams" may be looking for.

If we flip it around on ourselves....how do WE measure up to their expectations?

Sometimes it's not them...it's us.

Ms Sandi



Voltare -> RE: Hello, Need advice. (11/15/2004 9:34:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UtahGoddess

I am going to address this question from a different perspective. (Though probably an unpopular one)

I have found that as Dom/mes.....we want what we want. We sometimes overlook subs because they are not exactly what we are seeking. But we rarely consider what the "sub of our dreams" may be looking for.

If we flip it around on ourselves....how do WE measure up to their expectations?

Sometimes it's not them...it's us.

Ms Sandi


While I agree with you in part, how much should a person change to meet the desires or expectations of another person?

There are lots of good reasons to change - if I look in the mirror and think "wow, I'm way too over/underweight" or "sheesh, that haircut should have stayed in the 80s where it belongs" or "yuck, I can't believe I still own this sweater" and this causes us to make a change for the better i.e. we gain/lose five or ten pounds, get a haircut that we like a lot better, or a touch up on the wardrobe, this is fine (so long as you don't steal from your kids college fund to do it, and you actually like the changes you make.)

On the flip side, my dream submissive might look in the mirror, and think in order to attract a man like me, she needs to gain two bra cups in size, dye her hair blonde, and wear microskirts to work. In reality, none of these things would make me more interested, and would actually turn me off a bit, as the changes weren't out of any real desire to look this way.

To a point, most of us consider other people in our decisions regarding personality and appearnce. A balance between the two is the important thing. In the end, before I can expect other people to like me, I firmly believe I have to like myself first.

Stephan



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