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Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 11:44:13 AM   
SubmissiveAbbi


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline 		My husband and I are beginning to explore the lifestyle. He is a natural dominant and I'm naturally submissive, but we're both learning how to do each of these better. We have the play down just fine :D but need some help on punishments. I honestly don't know what to do when I've been bad, because clearly I don't want to tell him what would really hurt me and the only thing that we've really tried is spanking.

I'm not sure if it's possible to have a Dom who could "mentor" him (my idea) or just answer some brief questions (his idea).
To the point, I'm asking where should we go to see the lifestyle in action and be able to ask questions?
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 11:50:54 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Personally, my view is that when you fail at something, you should sit down and discuss it like adults to figure why you failed and how to keep it from happening in the future. Punishment without addressing those issues won't fix anything.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 12:21:09 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I would focus more on why you are being bad as opposed to how to be punished for it.
Are you doing it to get more physical attention, which is often called funishment?

If you are looking to have real punishment as a dynamic in your relationship. then the first
step is to make sure you both should have a clear understanding of what's expected of you,
and agreed upon consequences should you fail to meet them.
Also keep in mind that not all punishments are physical. He could impose corner time,
extra chores, restrictions on intimacy etc.

As for seeing the lifestyle in action, try googling BDSM and your geographical location to
find local meets. Here is a handy list of books that may inspire you both as well.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 12:53:41 PM   
kittenheels43


Posts: 107
Joined: 2/4/2012
Status: offline 		you say you don't want to tell him if you have been bad? well if you are truley submissive, keeping the 'bad thing' a secret should be more painful to you than admitting it, you are keeping a secret from him to protect yourself, thats doubly bad dear.
and if you are being bad because you want to be punished... well again, the punishment is clearly not actually a punishment, I love a spanking, so daddy doesn't spank me if I have disobeyed...or he does it so bloody hard I can't sit down all week.... seriously, a real spanking is not across me knee...oo-eerrrr missus stuff.

the best punishment is knowing you have disappointed him, seeing the disappointment on his face (not anger) but you have to be genuinely aggreived by this, not playing at it, and that is not something you can force, it comes natural when your need to please him outweighs every other feeling.

as for punishments, as you are a total newbie to the life style... anything humiliating, such as naked corner time, hands on head, like a naughty little girl is very very popular. Or he could make you sleep on the floor, handcuffed to the bed (hopes daddy doesn't see this and borrow that idea)




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6 months ago I was so vanilla you could have scooped me into a bowl

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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 3:38:52 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

need some help on punishments.


Just so you know, either a punishment or funishment dynamic is not required for a BDSM relationship. I'm personally in the "discuss like adults" camp.

What was useful to my husband and me when we were noobs were several of these books: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm , going to munches, making friends and socializing with them, and going to BDSM events.

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 5:28:12 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		Ok, here's an idea...

Since no one on this board could possibly fathom your likes/dislikes/limits, try printing *this* http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html out, both of you filling it out HONESTLY Don't cheat! Then the two of you sit down and discuss them outside of your dynamic, like two vanilla adults discussing the flavor of tea you like best. Once you have both (especially you) done that, he can draw from that list for things to do for fun or for punishment and he will know what your hard limits are so as not to cross them even if he is punishing you.

Good luck and have fun ;)
Lucifyre

p.s. remember, honesty is key

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 5/30/2012 5:33:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/30/2012 9:43:59 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAbbi
My husband and I are beginning to explore the lifestyle. He is a natural dominant and I'm naturally submissive, but we're both learning how to do each of these better.

I don't think I'm in any position to help on the mentoring part because your pretty heavy into the play thing and we don't do that. But otherwise I'd be happy to chat with some other Dom. I've done so in the past when it was a more compatible fit. I'm assuming I'm far from the only one so I suspect if you ask around you can find someone to talk to.

What I'd really like to call your attention to though is the natural Dom/sub thing. I used to say that too. As I learned more it became obvious that what EVERYONE does is natural to them. So saying something like "I'm a natural dom" conveys nothing. I read between the lines... A lot... To try to get a feel for the door your coming out of. Accordingly I'd suggest that you get MUCH clearer on what your seeking. What does a "good day in a lifestyle marriage" look like to you? How is that different from today?

Good luck to you two. It's been quite a ride for Carol and I.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/31/2012 7:25:02 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


What I'd really like to call your attention to though is the natural Dom/sub thing. I used to say that too. As I learned more it became obvious that what EVERYONE does is natural to them. So saying something like "I'm a natural dom" conveys nothing.


I've always maintained that there isn't any such thing as a natural Dom or submissive. You can have a naturally submissive or dominant personality but being A Dominant or submissive is a learned behavior.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Learning the lifestyle - a married couple - 5/31/2012 4:16:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP. why do you need to be punished? Or is this supposed to be a fun punishment? If so, we usually refer to it as funishment.

If he told you to do the dishes and you didn't, then why didn't you? If you were sick, then you shouldn't be punished. Are you okay with being punished for making a mistake? Some people are and some aren't.

Is he interested in being your jailor or your mother and making sure you do everything and punishing you if you don't? Because lots of dominants aren't.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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