Unemployed Doms (Full Version)

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callioperoseblue -> Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 9:17:24 PM)

Hello all.  I've been a lurker on these boards and finally decided to participate.  I am a new sub and still learning about my submission and what I need.  I am currently seeing a Dom with whom I feel a connection.  When I am with him I feel beautiful and the center of the universe.  He is very attentive and understanding and...ahem...skilled.  [:)]    But, and you knew there was a but coming, I am finding it difficult to formally submit to him.  We play, and I obey and for all intents and purposes I am acting as if I've submitted, but I am really struggling with kneeling before him and saying the words.  I have knelt before other Doms, used "Sir" or "Master" and had no problems.  But with this one I do. 

I know it could be many things causing the problem, but he is currently unemployed and has been unemployed or underemployed for quite a while.  I am educated and ambitious and struggling with what I see as his lack of motivation in that area. 

I am wondering if any other subs have faced this and how you have dealt with it or found that you could not.  A part of me hates that I am being judgmental here, that I would jeopardize an otherwise wonderful relationship over this, but I think it's a trust issue.  He's not very practical and realistic and that's my comfort zone. I don't need him to take care of me financially...I have a career and can do that.  I just need to know that he can take care of himself.  I should be clear that he has not asked me for money, etc.  If he can't afford for us to go out we don't go out. 

Appreciate any input.



juliaoceania -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 9:23:20 PM)

I think I would make sure this was the trouble before I addressed it with him, perhaps it is something else?

As far as being judgmental, I think we all want to be with people that we have things in common with, and work ethic is a major trait to be incompatible with. I do not know how I would begin to address this with him if I were you. I would try to give you the advice of "you need to communicate", but I just do not know how you would tell someone you had an issue with their work ethic.

I do not think that you can change this in someone, especially in your dominant. I think you need to work it out in your own mind and perhaps figure out if you can accept him the way he is.



marieToo -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 9:31:39 PM)

It would depend on what he is not employed.  Is he looking for work?  Does he go on interviews?  Is he able to work physically and mentally? 

I would say as long as he is looking for work, cut him some slack .  If on the otherhand, he seems lazy and unmotivated, that would give me pause for concern about his characteristics in general.



fullofgrace -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 10:21:52 PM)

my previous dominant was in a similar position...well, i don't know how similar, especially since he was younger and lived at home, but he was unemployed. he was a student, though a few years ahead of me in school. i moved out about 8 months after we got together, so my lifestyle became a lot different from his, which bothered him - i went out more and such. he's never shown himself capable of holding down a job or being self-sufficient and was easily disappointed and not particularly persistent. he's a great guy and we are still the best of friends and talk every day, but i was afraid that i would end up supporting him when we got married - both as a service submissive AND paying the bills. i don't have problems with either, but i can't carry all of the weight; i know i'm not emotionally capable. also, we were in a long-distance relationship and it seemed to be expected that i would pay all the travel expenses when one of us went to see the other, and unfortunately i'm a poor college student, so that was something that always weighed heavily on my mind. and i, too, am very ambitious and serious about school and the future...and i knew he really didn't support all the things that i want to do with my life. these were all things that contributed to the dissolution of our relationship.

your case seems far less extreme than mine...i agree with marietoo: if he is looking for work and shows motivation and persistence, then that is one thing. i would give him time. however, if he's impractical to the point that it's clashing with your lifestyle and how you want your future to be, and he seems unmotivated, then i would definitely reconsider.



champagnewishes -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 10:31:38 PM)

It sounds as if this is a red flag warning in your mind...one that you should obviously listen to.  What you state as being judgemental about his employment  i would call an unwillingness to compromise for something less than what you feel your deserving of...and there is not a darn thing wrong with that.



lisa1978 -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/6/2006 10:32:19 PM)

For the most part this is not a D/s question. It is just natural to have a tough time submitting to someone who you have significant worries over. Yes, finding a Dom that you like and could love is not that easy but a question like this  is something you should not feel guilty about is it is making it more difficult to submit.

I am with the others here. Has he had a job in his field and a bad break happen and he is actively looking for a quality job then I think you should be paitent. If he has a history of being unemployed, moving from job to job and/or always having jobs beneath his skill set and education than those are red flags and if you feel you can not submit and live with a person like that then obviously you have some tough decisions to be made.

I hope everything works out great for you.



LadyHugs -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 12:55:59 AM)

Dear calliperoseblue, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
There are two sides of the story.  Perhaps asking why he is unemployed might get you over the discomfort levels.  Some are unemployed due to lay offs, restrictions on the pension, to which caps them at a certain level, in between jobs or medically unable and or mentally unable. 
 
Comfort levels are indeed important and if you cannot feel comfortable to kneel per se before him, perhaps it is more than his unemployment issues but, your 'gut' instinct is giving you hints that you need to walk away.
 
Making excuses really is search for the right answer in progress.  But, I'm sure there are other things that bother your "gut instincts."
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Quivver -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 3:57:33 AM)

Humm, from your profile I get the hint that this person has been in your life for a few months now.  Almost to that magical 3 month period where many fail for what ever reason.... I agree with LadyHugs that most likely there is something else that has your BS Meter going off, possibly its related to the unemployment and your just masking it.  I'd suggest some soul searching, the answer will show itself. 
BUT on the other hand I have first hand knowledge of his position and I know how it effects me.  There is a constant under lying edge that clouds damn near everything I do.  (sigh, then again I am a sub if that makes a huge difference) 
If you choose to soul search, see if some clues show up of how his being unemployed is effecting him and his life.  All could change when he get's gainfully employed............. I wish ya luck



mistoferin -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 5:47:08 AM)

Yes, I have been in a similar situation with someone that I dated. Not only was he unemployed but his living conditions were deplorable. Not in an unclean way, just in the way that he could not even support his most basic needs. The larger problem than the unemployment though was that he seemed to have no desire or motivation to change his situation. He was extremely intelligent and had amazing potential but I believe that he lacked the confidence to just get out there and do it. Attempts at encouragement and motivation on my part were seen as "topping from the bottom". I used to wish that he could see himself through my eyes and see the amazing person that he is. He had the tools to write his own ticket in life but he seemed very content with living out life from the viewpoint of his chair. I, on the other hand, am a very active person who doesn't stop moving often. Obviously, it ended up not working out.

It sounds as if this is a huge issue for you and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. We all have qualities that are important to us and when those qualities are lacking it is very difficult to have the level of respect that is required for submission.



servicing -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 6:57:49 AM)

LadyHugs has a good point about addressing the reasons why he's unemployed.  Rhetorically speaking, has he not decided "what he wants to do with his life"?  Is he depressed?  Is he undereducated?  Are the conflicting character traits such as not wanting to be "bossed around" coupled with a general lack of motivation to freelance?  Or is it finances that keep him from freelancing?  Are there other character traits that make it difficult for him to keep a job, such as an inability to get along or communciate with coworkers or the public?  Has he busted his butt and back in the past working trying to get ahead only to find out that didn't get him ahead and only left him with a broke back, relatively speaking... and now he's lost some work ethic?  Does his past work experience pigeonhole him into jobs that he hates?  Does he blame others or does he take responsbility for himself... such as does he say things about how the rich are always screwing the poor?  Maybe it's none, some or all.. or maybe he's just generally shiftless.

Another point of view is if the prospects of working at some jobs are almost better than not working at all really.  Except that some future employers may frown on periods of unemployment, some minimum wage jobs that don't guarantee a full work week aren't worth working unless one'd be literally out on the street, without utilities or starving.  But in that case, the problem is undereducation which can be fixed if there is enough motivation to do so.

My point is really that if he's trying and wants to better himself than that's good and fits with your values.  If he's not, then your values don't meet and there will be conflict.   For me it would cause a general loss of respect, breed resentment and cause problems and tension when sacrifices must be made because of lack of money.  Also sometimes when people aren't earning the money, they have less respect for it and the efforts spent to obtain it and consequentially mismanage it.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 8:01:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: callioperoseblue

Hello all.  I've been a lurker on these boards and finally decided to participate.  I am a new sub and still learning about my submission and what I need.  I am currently seeing a Dom with whom I feel a connection.  When I am with him I feel beautiful and the center of the universe.  He is very attentive and understanding and...ahem...skilled.  [:)]    But, and you knew there was a but coming, I am finding it difficult to formally submit to him.  We play, and I obey and for all intents and purposes I am acting as if I've submitted, but I am really struggling with kneeling before him and saying the words.  I have knelt before other Doms, used "Sir" or "Master" and had no problems.  But with this one I do. 

I know it could be many things causing the problem, but he is currently unemployed and has been unemployed or underemployed for quite a while.  I am educated and ambitious and struggling with what I see as his lack of motivation in that area. 

I am wondering if any other subs have faced this and how you have dealt with it or found that you could not.  A part of me hates that I am being judgmental here, that I would jeopardize an otherwise wonderful relationship over this, but I think it's a trust issue.  He's not very practical and realistic and that's my comfort zone. I don't need him to take care of me financially...I have a career and can do that.  I just need to know that he can take care of himself.  I should be clear that he has not asked me for money, etc.  If he can't afford for us to go out we don't go out. 

Appreciate any input.
Simply IMO...the difficulty you are experiencing in calling him "Sir" or "Master" is that deep down the respect factor simply is not there.And possibly at this point in time you almost feel less submissive and more the Dominant simply because of your more practical and realistic nature....the more shall I say "adult"......be well...Tempting



callioperoseblue -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 8:09:39 PM)

Thank you all so much for your responses.  Mostly you've said what was already in my head, but sometimes the voices in my head seem to settle down when they are echoed by voices outside my head.  Laughs. 

What it comes down to is that this will not be a long-term relationship because there are too many differences in what we want out of life and out of a relationship.  The question is how long can I just enjoy the fun without worrying about long-term.  The answer is until it isn't fun anymore.  It seems I'm there or pretty close to it.  And what is up with it being the magical 3 months?  It has been 3 months that we've been together.  What is it about 3 months?  Is that the shelf-life on the fairy dust in our eyes when we first meet someone?

Oddly enough, part of my personal journey the last year (since the breakup of my marriage) is to stop living by "should," yet a large part of my struggle with this current man is me telling myself I "should" be more understanding, "should" not worry about it so much, "should" not let this interfere, etc., instead of accepting how I feel and dealing with the facts of those feelings. Shrugs.  Work in progress. 

Thanks again for helping me to process this. 




desertdancer -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/7/2006 8:25:38 PM)

On the flip side, if you are at all into humiliation, fighting with yourself until you are able to fully submit, kneel down and 'say the words' to him, while he is not working, and is less educated then you are, could feed into humiliation for you...  If his being less financially secure, and his lack of education makes you feel at all that he is even the tiniest bit lower then you, having to kneel to him and call him Master, could really really feed a hunger for feeling subservient.

If your not into humiliation, then ignore my post [:D]

Yours,
dancer



pinkee -> RE: Unemployed Doms (6/8/2006 10:49:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: callioperoseblue

Hello all.  I've been a lurker on these boards and finally decided to participate.  I am a new sub and still learning about my submission and what I need.  I am currently seeing a Dom with whom I feel a connection.  When I am with him I feel beautiful and the center of the universe.  He is very attentive and understanding and...ahem...skilled.  [:)]    But, and you knew there was a but coming, I am finding it difficult to formally submit to him.  We play, and I obey and for all intents and purposes I am acting as if I've submitted, but I am really struggling with kneeling before him and saying the words.  I have knelt before other Doms, used "Sir" or "Master" and had no problems.  But with this one I do. 

I know it could be many things causing the problem, but he is currently unemployed and has been unemployed or underemployed for quite a while.  I am educated and ambitious and struggling with what I see as his lack of motivation in that area. 

I am wondering if any other subs have faced this and how you have dealt with it or found that you could not.  A part of me hates that I am being judgmental here, that I would jeopardize an otherwise wonderful relationship over this, but I think it's a trust issue.  He's not very practical and realistic and that's my comfort zone. I don't need him to take care of me financially...I have a career and can do that.  I just need to know that he can take care of himself.  I should be clear that he has not asked me for money, etc.  If he can't afford for us to go out we don't go out. 

Appreciate any input.


By "submitting" i assume you mean "accepting His collar".  There are some good comments on the "Low Income Dominant" thread in the General BDSM forum.
 
IMHO, a Man cannot dominate anyone until He has Mastered Himself.  A "lack of motivation" to find work is a major deficit in any adult...W/we all need to be able to suppport at least basic needs.
 
BTW, beware of loaning or giving money to this man.
 
pinkee



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