becomming a Domme

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othiym -> becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 12:29:22 AM)
Hello Madames, I've been in the lifestyle for a couple of years now, purely as a submissive. I've always enjoyed submitting because it made me feel feminine and beautiful. For as long as I can remember I've been kinky (rape fantasies from the time I hit puberty). However, I have a very strong personality, and many people have mistaken me for a Domme. I decided many people have an opposing sexual preference from their usual personality--but as I've experimented more, I've begun to feel more confident. I went through a state of asexuality, which only lasted a month but is virtually unheard of for me, and when i came out the other side of it, I had no interest in submissive play. My feelings are mixed, although I always knew I'd be capable of being Dominant, I didn't think I could enjoy it. With my newfound confidence, however, it doesn't seem to be a problem. Even the new Dom I had started playing with when the entire whirlwind of asexuality happened responded to me as a Domme. I suppose my question is, has this happened to anyone else--is this the way anyone else started out? I searched through the previous posts for the past 6 months and couldn't find anything (it is conceivable I missed it). How did you come to your realizations and do you still occasionally submit or did you stop all that as soon as you applied the label of Mistress/Domme? Thankyou so much for reading all that! -Othiym

Sylverdawn -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 1:20:30 AM)
First off.. your 21 and experimentation is natural and good... and exploration at this point is natural.. some confusion expected.. your still forming who you are as an adult. Secondly.. most submissives I know have really strong personalities.. submission in my experience is not a passive activity.. Thirdly, some people start out in the bottom role and take on the top.. and visa versa Fourthly, I would say being tied up, flogged, clamped, teased and made to beg.. are all ACTS of sexuality... they are not inherently dominant nor are they inherently submissive.. it is the intention behind those choices that make the act change from kinky rough sex to submission.. in which you choose to release your power and control to another.. in which they take the lead and move you into a direction of their choice. Finally I would say the application of title only has the meaning a person invests in it. Not to long ago I was asked as part of a questionaire at a leather conference I attended.. to what title to you ascribe? Lady? Master? Mistress? My response what I dont limit myself to any title. I am simply who I am.. Dominant by nature... Top by choice... I could as easily if the role fit me choose to be Dominant by nature bottom by choice, submissive or slave. IF you feel a call to service then the control Top position in the power exchange is probably not for you.. IF you feel a call to be served than the bottom position in the power exhcange is probably not for you. Liking kink really is just the gateway to self exploration ... and only you can define what that path is going to take. Don't limit yourself to someone elses idea of what is and is not possible ..their boundries are theirs not yours.

othiym -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 2:24:27 AM)
Thankyou, first off, for your reply. I think maybe I didn't explain myself well enough though. I never said that being a sub meant you weren't a strong person--but I have heard many Dom(me)s say that, before they realized their calling, they couldn't understand why so many people were flocking to them and hinting that they wanted to submit to them. And the more I hear it myself, the more it makes me think. I suppose that I've always been a very confident person, except perhaps sexually. And as I became more sexually confident, the more I saw that maybe I could control the situation better than the 'experienced' Doms I was with, and also that I wouldn't mind actually doing it...in fact--it's all I seem to want anymore. I think it would take a very special case for me to want to submit again, which is unfortunate, because I truly enjoy the pain aspect of those scenes, but I ended up directing for the most part anyway, and found that I usually preferred it that way. I'd like to make a sincere attempt to be a good Domme, but I'm not really sure whether what I'm offering will fade and leave someone disappointed. Are there others who've gone through this sort of sexual upheaval and what was the outcome?

LadyAngelika -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 6:29:47 AM)
Like you, I started off submitting but that’s all detailed in a post explaining the discovery of my dominance in a thread entitled Must a Dom walk a mile in a sub's shoes?. There are many more entries relevant to your query throughout the thread. I don’t want to repeat everything I said in my post but essentially, we all learn who we are via experience. Don’t be afraid of refusing a label until you are sure. You can, for the time being, consider yourself “kinky and exploring”. Good luck with it and welcome to the boards. This is a great place to learn, share and grow. - LA

Brindle -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 6:48:13 AM)
Interesting question Coming out of a long term vanilla relatinship where we had both been fighting for mental control for years the sheer joy of mental freedom and corresponding control of my actions, surroundings etc led me to re-discover my dominance. Rediscovering my sadism has taken longer but is proving just as much fun. However there are certains situations I would sumbit physically in with a partner I trust (especially one who respected the fact that I have an almost non-existant pain threshold for external pain applied my someone else!). What I know I have no interest in tho is sumbitting mentally - personally I just don't think I could do it, it holds no attraction or interest for me, no allure or excitment and the idea makes me shudder with revulsion rather than pleasure - the exact opposite of the way dominating someone feels in fact. But I only know and recognise those feelings due to discussion, interaction, practical experience and a desire to learn. Go out there and try stuff! Really that's the best way to figure it out. Labels are often less important as you experience more and at best are only simple indicators of the complexities of this lifestyle. Hope that makes sense! lol Guess I'm just saying, go with it and enjoy it - don't worry to much about it - you may find you switch back or decide you like both!

proudsub -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 8:27:44 AM)
quote: think it would take a very special case for me to want to submit again, which is unfortunate, because I truly enjoy the pain aspect of those scenes, but I ended up directing for the most part anyway, and found that I usually preferred it that way. IMHO there's no reason you can't enjoy pain as a domme, as long as you are directing it.

LadySonelle -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 9:35:17 AM)
Interesting topic! I, too, did a sort of 'internship' under two or three experienced Tops before claiming the title of Mistress. I'm glad I did it, I would do it again. I agree with the Dom/mes who state that while their bodies were in bottom mode, their minds didn't really let go of their autonomy as Dominants. Same here. In fact, the only way I was able to 'get through' some of the tougher work was to recite under My breath the names of loved ones I was "taking this for". I could not wrap My mind around the sub mindset, even though I tried. Perhaps that is why I have never really understood (on a basic level) the 'battered wife syndrome' the 'Stockholm Syndrome' and 'sub space' (NOT that the three are interchangeable! They are NOT!). I was in such a relationship as a child and as a young wife and each time, I responded by "getting My back up" and fighting tooth and nail! OTOH, not one of My new whips, crops, clips, collars, paddles etc, ever touches submissive flesh before being tested, full force, against My own bare backside, nipples, neck or hand! I want My subs to know that the barrier between them and permanent harm is My own flesh! Not only that, but every six months or so, I weed through My stuff and try older items again to see if they have weakened, broken, unraveled or become more/less flexible safe/unsafe with use. So if I desire to feel a paddle on My derriere, I don't need to bottom... I'm My own Top! :) Lady Sonelle

LadyAngelika -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 11:50:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: proudsub quote: think it would take a very special case for me to want to submit again, which is unfortunate, because I truly enjoy the pain aspect of those scenes, but I ended up directing for the most part anyway, and found that I usually preferred it that way. IMHO there's no reason you can't enjoy pain as a domme, as long as you are directing it. I'd go even further and say you don't necessarily have to direct it. I'd say it's a shared direction between the sadistic top and the masochist top. - LA

MistresKatamaura -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 1:41:52 PM)
Try Demos, munches, and events offline. Talk to people.

BeachMystress -> RE: becomming a Domme (10/30/2004 2:25:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: othiym but I have heard many Dom(me)s say that, before they realized their calling, they couldn't understand why so many people were flocking to them and hinting that they wanted to submit to them. This is a problem for all submissive women from what I understand. I hear it in chat rooms. I hear it at munches, I hear it at clubs. It has nothing to do with the woman. It has to do with the fact that Domme are so rare that subs try to create them out of any woman who is willing to accept kink. The following is an excerpt from a website that I find funny and informative So you want to meet a Domme Female submissives are not Dommes in disguise. You may be tempted to talk to a female submissive in the hopes of persuading her that actually, she's really a Domme and hasn't met the right submissive male yet. Trust me when I tell you that every female sub has heard every line, at least ten times. THIS WILL NOT WORK! A female sub doesn't have to be anything other than a female submissive - in terms of rarity value they're at the top as it is. Believe me - if a female submissive wanted to be a Domme, she'd be one. Trying to persuade her that she is will do nothing except annoy her. It's a really bad idea to annoy a female submissive; they have ways and means that are beyond the understanding of anyone else, and their revenge will be nothing you'd want to experience. By all means talk to them - hell, talk to all of us! But please don't try and get her to Domme you. I know some Domme like to use the fact that they were pestered by subs before they switched as an indication that they were always dominant and just didn't realize it. If thinking that makes them feel good, more power to them. The truth is, men will try to get Dominance anywhere they can find it.

111597 -> RE: becomming a Domme (11/15/2004 11:35:43 AM)
Here is a good post and question. 21 is a bit young to determine if you are dominant or submissive. When I began my search I thought I was submissive. My trainer started exploring my dominant side, and yes, I am much more confident in the dominant role than submissive. I am a lousy submissive. My heart was there. I thought my mind was there, but I found out when I actually started activities, I thrived when I was in full charge of the sceen and discipline. Knowing ones ownself is perhaps the key to discovering this question. I agree with another one here that I do to myself before I do to someone else. That is how I was trained, and it also shows my dominant side how to be more effective on my slave. Again, you are really young. I would advise you to keep having fun and refer to it as kinky until you are ready to commit because being a Domme or Dominant requires a great deal of time and energy. You have to be sure of yourself. Finally, I am peace with Who I am within the lifestyle. I never thought I would come to that point. Keep playing and good luck. Respectfully, Mistress_Jan

MasterJeffrey -> RE: becomming a Domme (11/19/2004 8:15:27 AM)
I had always considered myself submissive. It took a very strong submissive (one very confident in her abilities as a sub, and in holding to her needs and desires) to tempt me to try the dominant side. I tried it, and used my experiences as a sub to perform as a Dom. It was a fantastic experience, and a great learning as well. I do believe that the characteristscs that make one a good sub can carry over and help make one a good dom as well, and the aspect of having experienced one side of the power exchange help that person fulfill the role from the other side of the power exchange as well.

perverseangelic -> RE: becomming a Domme (11/19/2004 8:22:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 111597 Here is a good post and question. 21 is a bit young to determine if you are dominant or submissive. When I began my search I thought I was submissive. My trainer started exploring my dominant side, and yes, I am much more confident in the dominant role than submissive. I am a lousy submissive. Mostly unrelated to the OP, but I have to disagree here. I view a dominant or submissive role in much the same way as I view sexual orientation. Very few people are told they are too young to know they are heterosexual. I knew my submission in the same way I knew I liked girls- it was something I felt even when I didn't have a name for it. To that end, I believe there are some people who simply -know- that they enjoy power play, some without knowing the role they prefer, sure, but others who know in their bones the role that fits them. I think that it would be more accurate to say that one is too new to BDSM to know one's role. As I see it, one coming into bdsm at 53 faces very similar identification issues as one coming in at 17. I -do- agree that one probably doesn't know a whole lot about the innacting of one's role at 21, but again, that's the same for -anyone- with a low level of actual experience.

BeachMystress -> RE: becomming a Domme (11/25/2004 12:05:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: perverseangelic I knew my submission in the same way I knew I liked girls- it was something I felt even when I didn't have a name for it. To that end, I believe there are some people who simply -know- that they enjoy power play, some without knowing the role they prefer, sure, but others who know in their bones the role that fits them. I totally agree with this. My boyfriend and I naturally moved into a D/s relationship starting when I was 15. Neither of us had been exposed to fetish material and we'd have looked at you strangely if you'd have said power exchange to us. We did it instinctively. I do feel that there are people who are just born Dominant or submissive. There are others that choose the lifestyle for whatever reasons they have. If you're comfortable in your role and you know where you belong.. how wonderful! Enjoy it. If you're still seeking, what a fun journey! Enjoy it. The only important thing is that you got here. You've reached Pervana.

MistressDREAD -> RE: becomming a Domme (11/26/2004 7:35:54 PM)
othiym What your discribing is a Switch personality in My opinion. Im sure many Switches on the Switch board can direct you in anything that seems a bit confusing. JMO

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