RE: Question in the Interview Process

RE: Question in the Interview Process (Full Version)

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heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 2:41:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Deliena I adore the previous answer, it made me belly giggle (thank you for that). On the OP's question about "to the level of the girl" I tend to agree with LadyPact (gosh that seems to happen every other post - I really must have an original thought before Christmas) that just because someone is sadistic it does mean they intend permanent harm to come to their partner (be that during casual play or in a full-time relationship dynamic or whatever). My ex knew I liked some pain, he also knew that I would take more than I enjoyed because I knew he loved it even if I was crying. He also knew when to stop, when it was too much for me. That would be playing to my level in my opinion and as such is valid. If you feel the person that used that response was being evasive perhaps the follow up question is "when you say to her level, what do you mean by that in reality? How do you judge someone's level?" It's a nice open couple of questions and gives plenty of latitude for discussion that could help further understand what they are getting at and whether your needs on that subject match up or vary too wildly to work. Hope that helps a bit. Thank you for your reply, that is part of what I was trying to find with this thread, was the answer a way to give the answer they thought I was looking for, or rather what you described, it just usually felt like the former but that could have been me. heartfelt

Deliena -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 2:49:36 PM)
Glad I was of some use. It's a really interesting topic and I'm glad you started the thread the contributions have been fascinating to read

heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 2:50:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds FR~ I usually just ask them what their ideal is, if they can't give me a straight answer about what they want without stipulations or conditions, then I don't bother asking more questions. I can't be bothered to waste time on someone who can't be direct and honest about what they are looking for. When I get a question like the above my reaction is going to be something like "I want a slave that is willing to take the time to get to know ME, as a human being, a woman, a dominant woman, and then, and only then.........the kink stuff". If they continue to write, or talk, about kink rather than the mundane and not so mundane aspects of life, the things that determine whether or not we can tolerate one another's company in the larger percentage of time we are together........then I know they are not for me. While trying to get to know someone, I don't talk about kink, all I am trying to determine is that if they are willing to do what they want to do and not just be a kink delivery system. I don't discuss kink or kinds of play, what my question is trying to determine is personality. Hopefully that makes sense. heartfelt

MisstressAureus -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 5:21:34 PM)
Hmm... I am definitely a Sadist.. But My level of play is still dependant on My sub. I do still 'push limits' But only to levels that will not 'break' My sub. Often I have found that although it takes time and trust, many submissives can eventually 'come up to' wherever I need/want them to be. I think that in My case is is a matter of "I will read you and push your limits" but it is not healthy nor conducive to trust if I just jump in with both feet so to speak. I will also play with different partners (though not sexually) and have found all types and levels of play enjoyable at different times and in different ways. Personally I am not mired in static expectations. All D/s should be fluid and malleable, otherwise it would get predictable. For example: I love needles BUT it would not be a 'condition of service' or something that would be a 'deal breaker' there are others that love them also and I can certainly do them for those people. Miss Aureus

OsideGirl -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 5:35:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TNDommeK LP, you hit it spot on with saying most claim, then when real play comes in, it was all talk. One of My former slaves claimed to be a pain slut. Which for Me, that is awesome. So during a pain session, I started out pretty light, I would say. well about the 6th or 7th tap, she was safewording all over the place. This is not part of the deal, I thought. So after the session, when she could barely sit down, we talked and I think she was able to better explain herself as far as "limited pain slut". Lol I've experienced the opposite. I met someone that claimed to be a hardcore sadist, who had one item in his repertoire and if someone screamed or cried he would instantly stop.

littlewonder -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 5:50:32 PM)
The majority of men who told me they were sadists were not. Most would either stop or their idea of sadism was massaging my back with a very light flogger and some handcuffs. Most who call themselves sadists I list as sensation players.

Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 5:50:44 PM)
That would really suck to find out during a session that he was not completely honest. While I have a higher tolerance for pain, it is not my friend I do not get off on a lot of pain. During a session would not be a good time to find out to find out someone loves dishing out lots of pain.

delilahdelight -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/12/2012 9:35:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Also although I am somewhat of a masochist, what I really need from play is a chance to submit. Does that make any sense? If by the above you mean that you need to be led into situations where you are doing/saying/thinking things that aren't anywhere near natural, easy or enjoyable for you to be involved in, and additionally, the only reason it's happening is because HE decided to masterfully take/push/drag you there, then yes, it makes perfect sense to me.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 12:30:56 AM)
Heartfelt... I've noticed the same thing from dealing with prospective subbie/slaves at times.

Fleshy -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 1:19:50 AM)
I too do the same. I purposefully don't write in detail in my profile. I have done that in the past and have gotten a barrage of messages from people who match up exactly. I just ask directly, I think you are more likely to get an honest reply then because they don't know how you want them to answer. The pain question is such a difficult one, it's a very hard thing to explain how much pain you will want or accept, or how much you want to inflict on the other side I imagine. What one might describe as moderate pain might mean something entirely different to another. There are different levels and types of sadism too, an emotional sadist might not want to inflict any physical pain at all. I'm more interested in that type than the beat me seven shades of blue type. I am interested to see what goes along with the sadism; common sense, sanity, self-control. All things you can only discover with lots of time and lots of conversation. I want someone who wants my reaction, not a reaction. We all play to different levels and a sadist might get the same pleasure from the reactions of a pain-slut who needs to be hit until she bleeds or a scared little lamb, who might quake at the sight of a cane. I think the answer that he would play to your level is a reasonable one. I don't think it means you won't be pushed but that is something to ask next perhaps... quote: ORIGINAL: girl91 I always ask of they are a sadist, do they enjoy inflicting pain onto their sub? quote: When I am talking to a possible potential Dominant/Master I try to ask questions in such a way to not indicate my feelings on the subject because I have found when I do not do so, I get responses that mimic my feelings or desires. After I have asked a question, if the person's response indicates that we are probably not a match, more often than not, they change their response with the disclaimer that they didn't want to scare me off. I find it very difficult to get a honest answer because it seems like most of the people I talk with are just trying to find out what I want to hear. But enough of my rant, my question is actually this and I would like a response from both D-types and s-types. If you are trying to find out if someone is Sadistic or not, (a.) how would you phrase the question or (b.) how would you answer such a question. Thank you in advance for your replies. heartfelt

SexyThoughts -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 2:15:31 AM)
You could ask what favor is their sadism? Do they go hands on with needles or vises? Or do they go down the predicament route? Is the pain constantly overlapping and pleasantly lifting to euphoria like organ music, or is there more contrast with gaps and drops like dubstep? Is simple physical pain or is there a mindfuck element? Just for perspective, the most evil bang for a buck I ever saw was a harmless rubber spider on a string above a tied down arachnophobe. They consciously knew it was fake, but their subconscious was freaking the fuck out. And you could see with your naked eye the seesawing calm/stress response get worse and worse, until they forgot how words worked and they failed their safeword challenge [:D]

DesFIP -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 6:50:39 AM)
Ifind that most kinky activities fall into either bondage or s & m. I'd ask what their favorite activities are. But I'm a bondage bunny so anyone who was into s & m instead is automatically a bad fit for me as they don't get off on bondage. As far as playing to your level goes, there are some people who are interested in getting certain reactions rather than doing to a certain level. If so, they really are fine playing at different levels because it's the response that gets them. I just made it clear that I wasn't into pain. o any guy who said he would teach me to enjoy it was automatically not someone I was compatible with.

OsideGirl -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 7:35:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The majority of men who told me they were sadists were not. Most would either stop or their idea of sadism was massaging my back with a very light flogger and some handcuffs. Most who call themselves sadists I list as sensation players. Exactly. I've found that the heavy players are quite good at toning it down, but the lightweight guys rarely can amp it up. I was actually very concerned when Himself and I started dating. We had been friends for 3 years, so I knew that he's a hard core sadist....and I know that I'm not a hard core masochist. He does very well at reading me and pays close attention to where I'm at when we play.

fucktoyprincess -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 10:22:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The majority of men who told me they were sadists were not. Most would either stop or their idea of sadism was massaging my back with a very light flogger and some handcuffs. Most who call themselves sadists I list as sensation players. Exactly. I've found that the heavy players are quite good at toning it down, but the lightweight guys rarely can amp it up. I was actually very concerned when Himself and I started dating. We had been friends for 3 years, so I knew that he's a hard core sadist....and I know that I'm not a hard core masochist. He does very well at reading me and pays close attention to where I'm at when we play. Yes, this is definitely true. The issue is not so much the heavy players as the lightweight ones. And in my experience, if someone has found their comfort zone in S&M, it is actually quite difficulty to get them to "amp it up". So some determination up front for me of whether I might be S&M compatible with someone is helpful, because otherwise, I spend a lot of time building up the other aspects of a relationship, and then find that the S&M level is really quite disappointing. And that is, frankly, unfair to both people. The lightweights seem to think that everything else they bring to the table will compensate for the light S&M. But for people like me, for whom S&M is a big part of the dynamic, that's simply not true. Again, all of this is personal to each of us. But for those of us who know quite explicitly what we are looking for, I see nothing wrong with getting certain facts on the table ahead of time. It is simply then, an issue of how best to elicit the information given the game-playing that often goes on - where people will simply tell you what you want to hear. I am not, by nature, a promiscuous sort. I'm not really interested in having play with a bunch of people to determine, after the fact, if we match up in terms of our kinks. I need some information ahead of time to be able to do some screening. And if I didn't care about the kink aspect, and cared more about other things about an individual, then I could just as easily be on a vanilla site and find a vanilla person who has all the things I want except for the kink. Matching up on the kinks is equally important to me. Just saying. [&:]

heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 4:13:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: delilahdelight quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Also although I am somewhat of a masochist, what I really need from play is a chance to submit. Does that make any sense? If by the above you mean that you need to be led into situations where you are doing/saying/thinking things that aren't anywhere near natural, easy or enjoyable for you to be involved in, and additionally, the only reason it's happening is because HE decided to masterfully take/push/drag you there, then yes, it makes perfect sense to me. Actually what I meant was this, most of what an s-type is "required", "asked" to do are all things that come naturally to me, so those things just feel like me being me, they don't feel like submission to me. So far the one thing that I have found that "feels" like submission to me, where I know I am submitting to something that I don't want to do is when I take more pain than I would want of my own accord. I agree with a previous poster who said something about pushing limits, but not breaking the toys, that is part of what I am looking for, a willingness to do that. Hopefully that makes sense. Thank you for your reply, heartfelt

heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 4:15:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4 Heartfelt... I've noticed the same thing from dealing with prospective subbie/slaves at times. That is part of what I was wondering, if it really hard just to get a straight answer from either direction. It seems that may be the case.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 4:17:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The majority of men who told me they were sadists were not. Most would either stop or their idea of sadism was massaging my back with a very light flogger and some handcuffs. Most who call themselves sadists I list as sensation players. Exactly. I've found that the heavy players are quite good at toning it down, but the lightweight guys rarely can amp it up. I was actually very concerned when Himself and I started dating. We had been friends for 3 years, so I knew that he's a hard core sadist....and I know that I'm not a hard core masochist. He does very well at reading me and pays close attention to where I'm at when we play. I have found the same thing. I have played in the past with a very heavy Sadist, who would tone down for me, but still push me and I have played with others who thought they were hurting me with a bunny fur flogger.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 4:20:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder The majority of men who told me they were sadists were not. Most would either stop or their idea of sadism was massaging my back with a very light flogger and some handcuffs. Most who call themselves sadists I list as sensation players. Exactly. I've found that the heavy players are quite good at toning it down, but the lightweight guys rarely can amp it up. I was actually very concerned when Himself and I started dating. We had been friends for 3 years, so I knew that he's a hard core sadist....and I know that I'm not a hard core masochist. He does very well at reading me and pays close attention to where I'm at when we play. Yes, this is definitely true. The issue is not so much the heavy players as the lightweight ones. And in my experience, if someone has found their comfort zone in S&M, it is actually quite difficulty to get them to "amp it up". So some determination up front for me of whether I might be S&M compatible with someone is helpful, because otherwise, I spend a lot of time building up the other aspects of a relationship, and then find that the S&M level is really quite disappointing. And that is, frankly, unfair to both people. The lightweights seem to think that everything else they bring to the table will compensate for the light S&M. But for people like me, for whom S&M is a big part of the dynamic, that's simply not true. Again, all of this is personal to each of us. But for those of us who know quite explicitly what we are looking for, I see nothing wrong with getting certain facts on the table ahead of time. It is simply then, an issue of how best to elicit the information given the game-playing that often goes on - where people will simply tell you what you want to hear. I am not, by nature, a promiscuous sort. I'm not really interested in having play with a bunch of people to determine, after the fact, if we match up in terms of our kinks. I need some information ahead of time to be able to do some screening. And if I didn't care about the kink aspect, and cared more about other things about an individual, then I could just as easily be on a vanilla site and find a vanilla person who has all the things I want except for the kink. Matching up on the kinks is equally important to me. Just saying. [&:] The bolded part is exactly it. I am really bad at disappointing people, so I don't want to let them get emotionally attached thinking everything is fine and a relationship is building when if this doesn't match it couldn't be a fulfulling relationship for me. So I need some sort of idea whether or not they have it in them to be the Sadist that I need before we go too far and get too attached. Thank you for your response especially as it matched so well what I was trying to say. heartfelt

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/13/2012 5:54:36 PM)
I really don't do interviews, I'm more into having conversations about all kinds of bullshit. Kinks, Interests, and whatnot. I try to get an overall feeling for if it's workable or not. If I can't wrap my mind around an overall involvement, it just ain't happening. I'm flexible when it comes to S&M, I can tone it down or AMP it up. However Lasagna and blow-jobs there ain't no wondering about it. BTW when it comes to Floggers, bunny fur ones are totally out of the question. I'd be expecting for somebody to laugh themselves to death at my expense over that. I know the ranges of most things I am capable of, willing, ready and able to do. I've been given the whole "is that all you got?" routine before. Clearly, time to AMP it up 10 notches in 2.5 seconds flat time (won't think twice about it). If anything, I'll be looking for "Holy Shit! Fuck! Fuck!" to set in (yes, I'll be smiling with glee). I love playing with sensations, but that's only part of it for me. It all depends upon what aspects I can get a foothold upon literally. Those little doorways to taking control. If somebody tells me they are a Masochist, or want to be broken in with pain. You betcha your sweet ass I'm all over it. If somebody expresses that they are willing to give them-self to me in any and ways I could desire. That's even more appealing... because it gives me the most amount of room to swim in and be myself without a lot of worry regarding limits. Because they will Roll with any way, I'm feeling like and wanting to Roll. At the very least S&M light is a must have for me. There's certain things, like Spanking, pinching, biting, thigh slapping and etc.. well that's just part of normal sex for me. I'll leave marks here and there. I can't promise anybody, that I won't leave marks on them. That's just not realistic... not when it comes to rough sex. Even carpet burns and etc.. will happen sooner or later even. This stuff should be a given, even more so if you're truly experienced at having wild kinky sex. The bottom line is... it's all good as long as I'm getting off, having fun, taking pleasure in whatever I'm doing with somebody.

Exidor -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/14/2012 4:19:02 AM)
quote: i don't think a 'true' sadist would give a fuck. no offense to sadists, and please do correct me if i'm wrong. I've seen variations of that in a lot of places, from psychology texts to forums. If you're looking as "sadism" strictly as pathological behavior, like people who set cats on fire or beat their girlfriends until they break bones, that probably applies. The usual description is of someone who sees other people or animals only as objects, without thought or feelings. Unfortunately, in sex play we also use the same word to describe something quite different, though it looks similar to the casual observer. Yes, we do give a fuck. That's the whole point. If there's no emotional feedback, there's no satisfaction to it.

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