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Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:05:18 PM   
Melison


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/11/2012
Status: offline 		Ok, so my boyfriend and I are still definitely figuring out how bdsm fits into the contours of our relationship. So far it hasn't really extended much beyond the bedroom and I don't know if it ever will or how much I want it to since things are so awesome. At the same time, I find myself occasionally craving more of an assertion of his masculine strength and will in other areas to augment the whips and chains . He has been very responsive so I think we're on the right track, but I'm curious as to how bdsm defines other relationships. Is it more about sex and less about the day-to-day stuff or do you find that to truly find satisfaction in this lifestyle it needs to intertwine into other areas? I realize it's a spectrum that everyone applies individually to their situation but I was hoping to get a cross-section of responses to better understand my own desires and how to integrate them into our relationship.
Thanks all!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:27:11 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		This has been done to death, your responses will be varied. The only thing that really matters is what works for YOU. Certainly, it doesn't hurt to get ideas from others. My suggestion is to get into the local scene and find some people you "click" with. Observe the interactions of those around you, and see what interests you and what doesn't. You can try googling "munch" and the surrounding cities, as well as creating a profile on www.Fetlife.com and looking for groups in your area. Start with the munches (usually this is just a meeting at a public place, very vanilla in nature, where kinksters meet and eat), meet people. Get comfortable with the lifestyle of others and be prepared to be shocked at times. Some relationships are subtle, and almost vanilla, others will be outright extreme compared to what you have. Keep an open mind, be accepting of others, and make friends. As time goes by and you get to attend private gatherings and workshops your knowledge and probably curiousity will grow and you can find the things that are just right for the two of you.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to Melison)
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RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:30:07 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		BDSM is bondage, discipline, sado-masochism.....so, I think you're actually thinking about D/s, which is Dominance and submission.

In our household, he is the head of the house. It's a constant under current in how our relationship and household is run. The final decisions are his, the house is run in the manner in which he wishes, I follow his rules, I serve him his dinner first. etc. To most people we look pretty vanilla, but it's there just beneath the surface.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:31:11 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		In my relationship we have an underlying premise that he is the leader. I stand by his side as he takes charge and am expected to add in my observations, preferences, anything that I feel he should know. Then he chooses. Our sex life is of his choosing as well although I can certainly ask for things or initiate them. Most often he says no, lol.

For us, it's more of a basic leader/follower arrangement first than a sexual arrangement. We find it more satisfying to have a defined base that threads through everything rather than just keeping it to the bedroom. Honestly though, whatever works for you. Good luck finding your way with things.

(in reply to Melison)
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RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:40:51 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		With us I will tell you in a lot of ways it is a relief to be able to say " I need to talk to my husband," in our day to day lives, but I am not his doormat either. When a decision needs to be made we discuss it where he finds out how I feel and my opinions on things. He considers them before making a decision but the final say is with him. I also stay at home taking care of the house and kids. I take care of him and he takes care of us. I have seen a lot of vanilla couples and yes I see a slight difference. Many talk to their boyfriends or husbands in ways I would never dream of speaking to mine. Not because I fear him but because he is my dom and I love and respect him too much to ever degrade him like that.

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Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


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RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:46:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For us it IS our relationship. He says, I do...about everything. There is no just bedroom, there is no separation.

And like others said, our life looks pretty vanilla and ordinary to the point most would find us boring lol.


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/12/2012 5:48:26 PM >

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 5:50:11 PM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		How I see it is, if you can't stand to be around the person you're supposed to be in a loving, caring, committed relationship with when you're not in the bedroom, then the sex thing will soon fade and you'll soon want out.
If you've got enough intensity with the sex, and you actually enjoy that person's company outside of the bedroom, then a good relationship you have.
It took me a long time to find someone I actually love the company of, and having that just makes the relationship all the more intense in every way.
As for everything else, I feel it'll all fall into place as long as you both go at the right pace, and keep the communication flowing. You'll soon find what works well for you, and don't be afraid to admit if something you've tried doesn't really feel right. It could just be that either or both of you aren't ready yet.
Good luck.

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 6:00:13 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Melison

Ok, so my boyfriend and I are still definitely figuring out how bdsm fits into the contours of our relationship. So far it hasn't really extended much beyond the bedroom and I don't know if it ever will or how much I want it to since things are so awesome. At the same time, I find myself occasionally craving more of an assertion of his masculine strength and will in other areas to augment the whips and chains . He has been very responsive so I think we're on the right track, but I'm curious as to how bdsm defines other relationships. Is it more about sex and less about the day-to-day stuff or do you find that to truly find satisfaction in this lifestyle it needs to intertwine into other areas? I realize it's a spectrum that everyone applies individually to their situation but I was hoping to get a cross-section of responses to better understand my own desires and how to integrate them into our relationship.
Thanks all!


BDSM/Kink/WIITWD/everything you ever imagined as to sex, heartbreak, love and all this shit that requires leather and whips....is....exactly what you make it hon.

It's what you (and he) want it to be.

Enjoy. Lift the covers off....have a great gawdamn time.

That's what it's about.

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 6:26:46 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		fr-

Melison, please allow me to speak to one thing you mentioned. you seem to yearn for him to be more dominant - 'masculine strength' was the phrase you used. i can only speak for myself in saying, this has to come naturally from him. in my book, he either is or isn't. i would normally say, make it a comfortable environment for him to be that. but, again, that would be you coddling him into it. (i can't think of a better way to describe it)

he has to want to take it, and take you, and own you, and lead you. and this should come naturally. i don't even consider myself experienced in hard-core BDSM, but even in vanilla relationships, that is always the dynamic.

re your original question, from what i've observed, it's truly a very wide range from one extreme to the other. yes, there are real 24/7 slaves on one end, and plenty of people are weekend warriors, and that's fine for them. find a place along that number line that best suits your partnership.


_____________________________

[Awaiting Approval]

If my experience level makes you feel superior, that is your problem, not mine.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 7:57:01 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

fr-

Melison, please allow me to speak to one thing you mentioned. you seem to yearn for him to be more dominant - 'masculine strength' was the phrase you used. i can only speak for myself in saying, this has to come naturally from him. in my book, he either is or isn't. i would normally say, make it a comfortable environment for him to be that. but, again, that would be you coddling him into it. (i can't think of a better way to describe it)

he has to want to take it, and take you, and own you, and lead you. and this should come naturally. i don't even consider myself experienced in hard-core BDSM, but even in vanilla relationships, that is always the dynamic.

re your original question, from what i've observed, it's truly a very wide range from one extreme to the other. yes, there are real 24/7 slaves on one end, and plenty of people are weekend warriors, and that's fine for them. find a place along that number line that best suits your partnership.



Or, in the alternative, you could just check out his history files, find his kink, do everything in same and simply fuck his brain backwards.

(It's a thought).

(in reply to Karmastic)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 8:06:52 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		For us, it's not "beyond the sex". We have an authority dynamic sans whips & chains. So there is no kinky sex. There's just me leading the marriage and her following my lead. The best way to put it is that for us it's entirely about the "day to day stuff"... but sex IS a part of the day to day stuff for ours (and most) marriages.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 8:56:55 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I appreciate that you want to know what others do and how they find satisfaction, but ultimately, the only person who can answer what you will find satisfying is yourself.

Even if 99% of us answered a particular way, you are entitled to define what satisfies you however you want. Who cares what others are doing if that is not what would make you happy in your own situation?

I could describe what I currently do, or what I have done, in my relationships, but really, I can't see how that would be relevant to you. I'm not trying to be difficult, just being honest.

Read up on the lifestyle and decide what you would like to incorporate. And if after trying things out, certain things don't work, then jettison them. And those things that work, well keeping those would be a good idea.

You've already answered your own question - it is a spectrum. And how many of us fall along what part of the spectrum is really quite irrelevant. I certainly don't consider what I do in my relationship overall to be the only way to approach this, and I don't consider how others approach BDSM to be dispositive either.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/12/2012 11:49:26 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		As others have said, it is more about the day-to-day stuff than the sex. Even if you're going at it for three hours a night, there's still 21 hours of everyday stuff. After you wash away the spunk, we still need food, clean clothes, a roof over our heads...

He's the boss. I do as I am told or face consequences. But you could stay with us for a month and never notice there was anything 'funny' going on. I cook his favourite meals, wash his clothes, make his lunches for work, go out and buy his brand of cereal/shampoo/soda before he runs out, make his appointments, drive him round... but so do many wives for their husbands.

Taking it from exclusively bedroom kink to a full on Dom/sub relationship is less about being a sex slave and more about being an unpaid personal assistant. In a nice way, of course.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/13/2012 1:38:53 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		For us, our dynamic is not sex-based at all, so it's not really accurate to say that it "goes beyond the sex" because it never originated there to begin with.

My Master is the leader in our relationship. He has all the authority and is responsible for himself, for me, for us. He is in charge and what he says, goes. He expects of me that I give him my input, opinions, suggestions, etc., and then he uses that input in making decisions. I obey and I follow and support him. This of course includes our sex life, but that is only one part of our relationship as a whole. His authority and my subservience exist in all parts of our lives together.

As others have said though, how we choose to live our lives and conduct our relationships has no bearing over what you choose to do with yours. There are no rules, the possibilities are endless, and you and your partner are unique individuals, so it is best to figure out what works best for you and him. We can't tell you what would work out best for you--only you can.

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/15/2012 8:49:07 AM   
Melison


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/11/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts. This really is a thoughtful, considerate community. I do understand that our relationship will be what we make of it and that nothing is ideal. I'm just super curious how other people carry out their desires day in and day out, in the "ordinary" course of things, and you all have helped me with that understanding. I also really appreciate Karmastic's comment that either he does want to be more "dominant" or he doesn't. It's so true. And I actually think I will attend a local munch to sort of further my education - thanks for suggesting that Endivius!

Thanks again everyone!

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/15/2012 9:11:26 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Welcome to the discussion side of CM, Melison, it's great to read such a nice thoughtful post from people fairly new to the lifestyle.

(Yes, it has been done to death, but sometimes we forget when people are starting out, it's all so new to them.)

As others have said, this is what you make it. But how do you progress through that? Think of kink as a great big international buffet. Some go for the raw fish and the seafood, others the red meat, some are vegan. It's all good. You take what you want from the buffet, and leave what you don't like.

That said, I think many many people get into the BDSM lifestyle through kinky sex, either in real time or online. I started with kinky sex, and things progressed from there. It's a great way to begin. The main advice I have for you is to take it slow. No one goes from a bedroom only bottom to a 24/7 tpe slave in a day.

And ENJOY the trip. This stuff is supposed to be fun.

Best, CP

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/15/2012 8:54:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Melison
I also really appreciate Karmastic's comment that either he does want to be more "dominant" or he doesn't. It's so true.



It's not really true for someone with no experience. Even if he's dreamed about this all his life, the truth is that for 50 years he's believed that it's wrong to tell a woman what to do, to force her to do things she dislikes, and to hit her. That's a hell of a lot to overcome and it doesn't happen overnight.

The Man and I have been together for damn near nine or ten years now and he's come into his own a lot more as time has passed. In the beginning, he found it difficult to tell me what to do. These days, I sometimes wish he wasn't so comfortable with it. Practice, and getting a positive response has made a huge difference in what he naturally feels okay doing.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/15/2012 10:40:16 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Yes

(in reply to Melison)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/16/2012 3:26:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Anyway, how to get there, and help him feel better about being selfish, is you asking him to make a decision for you. For me, it's the cereal aisle. There must be a hundred different cereals, so which do I pick? If I ask him and he says Shredded Wheat, I get it and I am grateful to him for taking the decision away from me. I eat the shredded wheat and next time I ask if he would pick a different one because shredded wheat makes me think I'm a horse eating hay. If he tells me to get it again, and neigh for his amusement, I do it.

The other way is to pick one evening a week when he makes all decisions. It could entail him watching the news while you do the dishes. It could include you two going out for ice cream because he has a craving. It could include you asking for permission to go to the bathroom. He can make you sit on the floor or not. The important thing is that these are small decisions, not of major importance so he can't accidentally do anything wrong (unless he won't let you go to the bathroom when you really need to). If there's no down side to it for either of you, he will feel more comfortable with it.

Dominant does not automatically mean the sub has to be miserable. He could choose to stick a vibrating egg in you and make you cum at every commercial. Or he could brush your hair because he enjoys doing that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Beyond the sex - 6/16/2012 3:55:27 PM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

He could choose to stick a vibrating egg in you and make you cum at every commercial. Or he could brush your hair because he enjoys doing that.


As I read the latter an audible sigh escaped my lips...perfect.....

Edited to add: although the former would also be awesome!

< Message edited by chelita30 -- 6/16/2012 3:56:10 PM >

_____________________________

"When Christian Grey "rips through" Anastasia's virginity, she actually says "Argh!" like Jon finding out that Garfield has once again shredded the curtains"

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