Interdependence (Full Version)

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RemoteUser -> Interdependence (6/13/2012 6:51:41 AM)

When I look at the various relationships that I have been in, or seen form around me, one of the oft-overlooked crucial aspects that seems to be taken for granted is interdependence. Community lifestyle or not, individuals who form partnerships need a level of mutual give and take that satisfies and completes everyone involved. I'm not referring to co-dependence, where self-esteem issues distort a person's motives; this is a balanced sharing of time, energy and emotions to satisfy physical and emotional needs.

Interdependence works at any level of kink (no different than vanilla relationships) and is defined by the individuals, as opposed to the dynamic defining the participants. When fulfillment is met by all partners involved, when they appreciate one another enough to need and fulfill needs in return in a healthy (key word!) supportive manner. I can tell my girl that I need her, not to define my so-called domliness or because I am incapable of being fulfilled without; I need her because she helps me be a better person, satisfies parts of me that will not be satisfied alone, and does so in many ways just by being herself. Our dynamic is D/g and loving. Love is not a requirement for interdependence, although it does enhance the relationship between partners who are so inclined. Partners can still respect, support and improve one another without the extra emotional attachment, and that's also very significant.

With the preamble established: how does interdependence shape your relationship/dynamic? How do you meet the needs of your partner, and have yours met in return, mundane or sexual - from serving coffee to performing a public flogging, or any other shade of the spectrum that shines on you and yours?





OsideGirl -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 7:30:46 AM)

My grandmother once explained that a good relationship isn't 50/50. It's more like two puzzle pieces that fit together together to form a whole picture. Where there are voids in one piece, the other has the tab. Our strengths and weaknesses are filled in or supported by the other person.

We've been together 12 years, so I'm quite good at anticipating his wants and needs. I learned which things he cares about and which he's happier not having to hear about. I know what food he likes, how he likes his coffee. I lay out a fresh towel when he showers. etc. My view is that I'm here to make his life easier and entertain him.




Lucifyre -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 7:46:58 AM)

Oside, I love your grandmothers explanation ;)

Lucifyre



chatterbox24 -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 7:54:25 AM)

Being a person who feels obligation more then desire to please other people in my life knowing its the right thing to do, really makes me appreciate that part of me that has an ACTUAL desire to do for one from the heart and enjoy it, actually want to do it. That is the gift I recieve from my partner.



JeffBC -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 8:24:32 AM)

Carol and I have been together a long time now and it's been a good relationship between two people who think "more intimacy is better". So by now it's hard to even say "interdependence". It's more like a single person with two bodies. I don't think either one of us is really able to make any sense of a question like, "What do I want?" Inevitably, what "I" want factors in what "they" want which, in turn, factors in what "I" want. In the end, good and bad, positive and negative, comes down to a "what would be good for us?" mindset. We just aren't really individuals any more.



OsideGirl -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 8:26:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre

Oside, I love your grandmothers explanation ;)

Lucifyre


My grandparents were madly in love for almost 50 years, so they must have had something figured out. They were great role models.



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 8:29:56 AM)

I like your grandmother's explanation. I have been married 20 years, I can't imagine trying to do his part in our family and when I got really sick and spent 3 weeks in the hosptial he said it was a nightmare trying to take care of the kids all by himself. The house was a disaster and the kids ate heat and eat food the whole time. We would be lost without each other.



littlewonder -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 12:00:09 PM)

What Oside said, that's pretty much how I see us as well since we've been together for about 6 years now. He know me, I know him, we know each other's likes, dislikes, sounds, eye rolls, etc...It's just the little things about each other that make it easier for both of you to just know.



LaTigresse -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 2:37:35 PM)

I can honestly say that, at this point in my life, I've never been in a relationship where there is a lot of interdependence.

Generic Dude and I have now been married for 22 years. During those years he's spent a lot of time away. Sometimes, for over a year at a time. We don't enjoy being on our own but we function just fine separately, as well as together. If one of us does something for the other, it is because we actively want to, not because the other cannot, or needs.

That is the longest relationship outside of familial, I've ever had.



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Interdependence (6/13/2012 2:43:10 PM)

Before I met my husband the army took care of him and before that his mother. He has never had to make his own meal but he can do his own laundry. Sadly everything goes into one load so whites end up grey.



RaspberryLemon -> RE: Interdependence (6/14/2012 3:57:03 AM)

My Master and I are very interdependent and to a degree, inseparable. I liked the way you described how you need your girl, RemoteUser, and I feel like that is very much how it is for us as well. We are very intimate with each other--mentally, emotionally, and physically--and to me that is very fulfilling and we just work together, like OsideGirl's grandmother's puzzle piece analogy. He fulfills my needs and desires and I fulfill his, in too many ways to count.

We are always a team, and we think as a team as well--when I think for myself I think for him as well, and vice versa when he thinks for himself he thinks for me also. No walls, no barriers, just raw transparency and complete vulnerability to one another, love, respect, honor, and trust: that's what makes it work for us and how we fit together as not merely two people, but a unit that is more than the sum of its parts.



OttersSwim -> RE: Interdependence (6/14/2012 6:01:02 AM)

Interdependence is essential in my relationships. I spent 17 years with a co-dependent partner and let me tell you it does not work well.

Two strong individuals come together and forge a life together - each without losing their essential "self" (interests, friends, likes, dislikes, mental and emotional independence of self) in the process.

I have to say that I do wonder about M/s-based relationships as one would have to ask themselves how far down that particular rabbit hole of (economic, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) surrender and thereby -dependence- on another does one really want to go? Is there a point where it becomes unhealthy? Where as part of the dynamic, the slave ends up submerging/surrendering parts of themselves essential to carry on (as an individual) with their own life in the absence (for whatever reason) of the Master?



Kana -> RE: Interdependence (6/14/2012 6:01:43 AM)

Hmmmm, my folks been married many many years and I've never seen em raise their voice in anger at each other.
Ooooooooh, they have disagreements, but they conduct em with such love that they never go anywhere-they get hashed out quietly until an amicable accord is reached. They are best friends, lovers, partners.
Over the years I've asked each of them independently what the secret to their relationship is and each said pretty much the same thing...."That they wake up in the morning thinking what they can do to make the others life a better place, a happier place." Neither wakes up looking to get, instead they spend their time looking to give to the other.
Then they actualize their ideals.
It's pretty fucking awesome.



KnightofMists -> RE: Interdependence (6/14/2012 12:55:57 PM)

I do not need my girls Nor do they need me. But we do choose to be in each others life because we make each others life better. Not only is are life better but we as individuals are a better person because of the other. I dare say there are others in ths word that could make my life better and I theirs. However, our paths have not crossed at this time in my life.

Our life together is one of choice and not need. By making the choice each moment together we enhance and grow our relationship and ourselves. With such results why would we want to make different choices?



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