Couple of funny jokes

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Couple of funny jokes

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Humor and Games >> Couple of funny jokes

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Couple of funny jokes - 6/7/2006 6:41:21 AM

jezabelKH

Posts: 663
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline

MAN - VS - WOMAN

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day...    30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

   A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
   so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, Allow me to explain.
  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
  should brew the coffee each morning.

wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
  and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
    the man should do the coffee"

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
   says.................................."HEBREWS"

THE LAST WORD

A man and wife were having trouble at home are were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am early for a
morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.

   The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

An he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. the paper said "It's 5?00 Am Wake Up"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

GOD'S HUMOR

God may have created man before woman,
   but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Couple of funny jokes - 6/7/2006 10:10:33 AM

jezabelKH

Posts: 663
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline

Sunday Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandpartent's house to visit her 95 yr old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning"

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would sureley be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear" replied the granny. " Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong"

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!!!"

< Message edited by jezabelKH -- 6/7/2006 10:16:12 AM >

(in reply to jezabelKH)

Profile

Post #: 2

Old Fart Jokes - 6/7/2006 2:27:40 PM

ADomDoc

Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
Status: offline

    Two elderly men were talking about the problems of aging.
Jim: "My memory is so bad these days!"
Bob: "You should do what I did. Take a memory course! I took one with this doctor downtown and it really helped. I learned to use word associations to help me remember and now my memory is much better."
Jim: "I'd like that. What's the name of the doctor?"
Bob: "Now let's see...I have to remember. I had a good way to remember his name. Oh yeah! What do you call the flower that has thorns all over the stem?"
Jim: "A rose?"Bob: That's it, a rose! Hey Rose, what is the name of that memory doctor?"

An undertaker comes up to the elderly widow after the funeral and asks, "How old was your husband?"
"98. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96."
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"

     Once there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 50 years loved him dearly, but she could no longer handle him. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. The man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then, the old fellow started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked over to him and asked, "How do you like the place so far?" "It's okay," he said, "but they won't let me fart!"

   An elderly man approached a golf pro and asked, "Can you set me up with a golf partner about my own age?" As it happened, the pro did -- in fact, the partner was even older.
   "I'm 82," the first golfer explained, "and I usually golf with my buddy who's 75, but he's off on his honeymoon. I need somebody to spot the ball for me. I can still see it up close, but I lose it in the distance."
   "I'm 94," the second old-timer said. "But I've got perfect vision. I'm your man."
   They go onto the course and the first man tees off. "That felt good," he said. "Are you sure you can see it?"
   "Of course I can," the second man said. "I told you, I've got 20-20 vision. My eyesight's perfect!"
   "Okay," said the first golfer. "Where'd it go, then?"
   And the second golfer said, "Where'd what go?"

< Message edited by ADomDoc -- 6/7/2006 2:38:43 PM >

(in reply to jezabelKH)

Profile

Post #: 3