puella
Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
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Hello lsassy,
I don't know that anyone can answer your question for you, they can only answer it for themselves. Each person and each relationship is going to be very different from someone else's. I have been owned a couple of times, and managed to pick my self up until the last release.
I think that what choices are going to sprout up for you in terms of the way you continue on in life, will be dependent, largely, upon how deep you went (or were taken). For myself, I knew going in the same thing that I knew on the way out... I had entered into something, such a deep part of myself and given over so much with such profundity, that there really is no going back. 'Jen doesn't live here anymore'.
I say that and a lot of people (whether well intentioned or not) give a pretty standard and (perhaps unintentionally) patronizing response. "You are hurting now, as time goes on you will search for another." I simply did not love him that way. I think sometimes we have great loves, maybe even true loves, if you will. There was a very intense moment when he claimed me, where the reality of what he asked of me and where he was leading me to, (which though with a bit of initial fear, so greedily, and eagerly begged him for) hit home. It has never abated since, not even when he released me ,and not as the time stretches on without him. Time has only allowed me to become more functional, in a practical sense. Personally, I am happy that he took me there. I am glad that I could find such a richness of being with him, even if it was for a far shorter a span of time than I would have wished to have with him.
I know myself fairly well. I think there are places you can go within yourself, often only led by very specific people who can trigger that within you, from which you can not return. I won't serve again. It is not a decision I have made out of pain, but rather, one made out of the great love I still feel for this man. It is quite simply the what is left for me, with the me that is left. I am still in love with and completely surrendered to a man, though he chooses not to keep me. I do not think it would be at all honest, prudent or fair of me to attempt to serve another given the depths of what I feel for him. It also would serve no end on my part, but to keep busy.
What do you do when something like that happens? You continue the mechanics of life. You try to do more good than harm as you move along through the time that is allotted to you. When little bursts of emotional 'color' come to you, you try to appreciate them if you can, no matter how muted they may now seem. There are usually people in your life who love you, family and friends, who need you in some form or another to contribute what they love about you in their lives. I try to do as much as I can for my family now, though it is taking much longer for me to integrate back in with friends.
As a woman who is submissive by nature, without a life surrendered and in service, what do you do? Well, what I have been trying to do is to extend kindness to people when I can not offer anything to him. And with each bit of brightness I am lucky enough to be able to contribute to in someone's life, I remember that a great part what people consider to be the best parts of me, are very much due to him and what he gave to me. I try to keep him in everything good that I can manage to do. Thankfully, he doesn't have to deal with my failings anymore...those are all mine.
How you carry on, is entirely up to you, and where you have gone with your Dominant. Being released doesn't change your nature as a submissive or who you are as a person. It just changes the immediate options you have in regards to your servile nature. I hope you find a path for yourself, and that you might be able to stumble upon real joy again as you keep trudging along.
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