Warning signs that your sub may not be right

Warning signs that your sub may not be right (Full Version)

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mistressrose10 -> Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 8:10:04 AM)
It started with the boots-I have quite a collection and love my boots.he expresses how much he would like to see my toes and do I always wear boots? First mistake, I indulged the twerp by wearing open toed shoes.What was I thinking?-that's right, I wasn't thinking just responding to flattery! While I like a sub to have thoughts and opinions,I erred in reminding him that it was MY opinion that counted.Then there was the scat thing, while I have done this before and thoroughly enjoyed it with a sub with whom I had a long term relationship,it seemed this one wanted it right away.I wasn't ready and didn't do it.Then there was his desire to fatten me up as I was too skinny.At a size 10, I'm far from skinny but apparently this one had two mistresses- who were full figured.Fattening me up fit right into his ideal.I should have seen it coming when he pulled a disappearing act and then emerged with some cock and bull story about not being able to support me(I never asked him to) and needing to earn money etc. etc My first clue should have been when I read his ad which detailed what HE wanted.Then I was charmed when he went out of his way to meet me.Never Again! Now I need the Mistresses to share with me how they handle subs who try to top from the bottom.If a sub recieves no satisfaction in serving, he will not be a good sub but where do you draw the line and weed out those who will truly put your desires first and those who want a Mistress to fit their fantasy?

darq -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 8:16:41 AM)
Erm ok so you had a bad relationship and now you're asking everyone how they handle that sort of person? Be true to yourself ... That goes for anyone. If you're a boot wearing, size 10, opinionated Mistress who supports herself and caters to her own fantasies, then be that person. Also, realize that while some submissives do truely enjoy the whole servant with no rights to anything except that which Mistress permits thing, a lot of them don't. Part of the attraction of BDSM is having all these fantasies and desires fullfilled. If we just wanted to do whatever someone else said all the time we could easily stay with a vanilla mate and just never ask for anything for ourselves. We seek out other kinky people because we know that its way more likely that we'll enjoy things with a kinky person. As a submissive, I have the right to ask for things from the dominant I submit to. That dominant then has the right to say yes or no to my requests. Sounds like you simply had a hard time saying no and when you finally did, he walked out on you. I'm sorry you had that experience but hey, it happens. Its life. To thine own self be true ...

ShysPurrkat -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 8:34:02 AM)
darq no I do not think she is asking how to handle that situation she asking how others may have handled... stop being so critical yourself... she even stated she made mistakes .. now on to answering Kashna had same problem with one he wanted this he wanted that this wasn't good enough that wasn't good enough turned out all he wanted was me. and i am straight .. i just like to crossdress finely he let Her go for Her own good ... i and Kashna busted up laughing at that one ... it turned out he was serving another couple at the time ... and then was writing to a dear Dominate friend of Hers asking to be a whore to be sold to men for Her LOL just take it as its worth write it off as a learning experiance ... for in life We all should really bend and compromise but sometimes its good to stand your ground... just step out of your own boots and look back at what your doing now and again to make sure you keep true to yourself .... you always must keep true to yourself or it won't work out with the other half in the long run Kashna and i have been together for over 4 years 24/7 livein I know She asked for Domina to answer but this was so like Kashna's experiance that I thought I would... and yes I got Kashna's permission to do so..

SenseofBelonging -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 8:57:59 AM)
i may be completely out of place in answering this Ma'am, as You asked for opinions of the Mistresses only, but as a male sub, i thought i might provide some meaningful input. i am one of those who derive almost all of my pleasure from pleasing my Mistress. having said that, i do also have personal fantasies/pleasures which i took care to inform Mistress of when W/we were getting to know one another. during sessions, my entire focus is on pleasing Her, and i am completely fulfilled when im able to do that. but when She chooses to incorporate something (like bondage) that i get off on, it makes the session just that much better. however, the choice to incorporate those things is entirely Hers and i would never dare to even suggest that She do so. most subs will try to push their boundaries to find out just where they are, but whenever ive tried that, ive been met with a stone wall. Mistress does not tolerate in any degree that sort of foolishness from me and i think ive become a better submissive because of it. i guess what im saying is that although You may on occasion want to reward Your sub by indulging one or more of his fantasies...it really is all about You, and You will improve Your submissive by enforcing that concept.

mistressrose10 -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 9:01:45 AM)
Thank you shyspurrkat for your insightful response. Of course I made a boo-boo there and will certainly learn from my experience!But darq is correct that subs may ask for things.I would have preferred to granted some of his wishes because he begged not whined or try to manipulate me.But you are both right, I wasn't being true to myself.I will not be repeating that mistake again!

crouchingtigress -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 10:18:14 AM)
It sure is easy to be exactly where you are but I dont think you are focusing the light on the right things to help you understand where it all went to hell. After all if he were still with you all of those things would feel like a natural progression of a relationship. Where I think you went wrong is character assessment. Giving is fine if you are met by your partners giving. Only you can know this, but did he show any signs of selfishness that went unheeded or unaddressed? Even if there were no outward signs there is still a very good chance he could up and leave. I do not care to count how many times this has happened to me and to so many of my friends doms and subs, real life or cyber, male or female....I have no clue how some one can be so cowardly and just bow out with out a grace period to honor and try to fix things, but they do, and it sux every time. You have learned to trust your gut more, and to go slower at the pace you want, that is something I think we all learn the hard way in D/s, but try to refrain from beating yourself up and saying you fucked up, or did something wrong, because you really dont know that, some guys are just cads....

TNstepsout -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 10:41:52 AM)
With the exception of wiggling your toes for him it doesn't seem to me that you really fell for any of his manipulations. And what harm is there really in that small indulgence? I'm not sure how pushy he was in the "fattening up" department, but if you can still fit into your old clothes it seems he was not successful in that attempt. The only real problem I see is the "disappearing act and resurfacing with excuse", but that doesn't really seem like a "topping from the bottom" issue, but more of just a disrespectful, game playing sort of thing. Either way, if that was the last straw, then you didn't fall for that either. It seems to me you did a pretty good job of looking out for yourself. The only sure fire way I can imagine to avoid EVER making a mistake in the person we choose for a relationship is simply to NEVER choose and remain alone. Some people choose that option. Some people trip alarm bells and raise red flags all over the place and turn out to be OK. (although not many-not worth trying to find out) Others are manipulative, trouble making, game players that are so smooth they slip right under the radar. Even looking at a profile that's "all about me" might not be a good indication. Some sub/saves may just be very new and know what they want, but not really understand what they can do for others. They might be able to be groomed to be a perfectly wonderful companion. I ditto what Tigress said. Some men are just cads.

MisPandora -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 1:09:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistressrose10 It started with the boots-I have quite a collection and love my boots.he expresses how much he would like to see my toes and do I always wear boots? First mistake, I indulged the twerp by wearing open toed shoes.What was I thinking?-that's right, I wasn't thinking just responding to flattery! While I like a sub to have thoughts and opinions,I erred in reminding him that it was MY opinion that counted.Then there was the scat thing, while I have done this before and thoroughly enjoyed it with a sub with whom I had a long term relationship,it seemed this one wanted it right away.I wasn't ready and didn't do it.Then there was his desire to fatten me up as I was too skinny.At a size 10, I'm far from skinny but apparently this one had two mistresses- who were full figured.Fattening me up fit right into his ideal.I should have seen it coming when he pulled a disappearing act and then emerged with some cock and bull story about not being able to support me(I never asked him to) and needing to earn money etc. etc My first clue should have been when I read his ad which detailed what HE wanted.Then I was charmed when he went out of his way to meet me.Never Again! Now I need the Mistresses to share with me how they handle subs who try to top from the bottom.If a sub recieves no satisfaction in serving, he will not be a good sub but where do you draw the line and weed out those who will truly put your desires first and those who want a Mistress to fit their fantasy? Quite simply: This isn't Burger King and the rule around here isn't "Have it your way" slave. Stop kow-towing to what he wants and redirect his needy, grabastic behaviors. Remind him that the direction and propulsion of the Mistress/slave relationship comes from you. Set the precedent that you will hear his requests, and grant what you deem to be in alignment with your interests and needs.

darq -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 1:23:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShysPurrkat darq no I do not think she is asking how to handle that situation she asking how others may have handled... stop being so critical yourself... she even stated she made mistakes .. I wasn't being critical? I was doing what I'm known for, speaking my mind without any sugarcoating ... A lot of Dommes have this attitude that submissives arent supposed to want anything or expect any of their own fantasies to be fullfilled and I merely pointed out that while some submissives fit that mold, a lot of us don't. In my opinion there's not much point in submitting to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass what I want and is just in it for themselves ... Now if you're referring to my first comment ... I just don't really get it when someone comes to the forum, complains about their current or past relationship and then ask "What would you do?" It just opens up a can of worms that a lot of times, the OP never really wanted to deal with anyway. I could understand going to your very trusted friends with this kind of question but not to a group of random strangers ...

LTRsubNW -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 6:18:25 PM)
Uhm...lemme just say...I'm ALLLLL good with a size 10 Mistress/Ma'am/Owner...what have you, moreover...that whole scat thing turns my stomach (and I can assure you, it'd piss the hell out of my cats!).

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/7/2006 10:29:14 PM)
quote: It started with the boots-I have quite a collection and love my boots.he expresses how much he would like to see my toes and do I always wear boots? I wouldn't have a problem with indulging his desires as long as he was good in other areas, his desires meshed with mine or as long as I didn't hate/resent the suggestion. quote: Then there was his desire to fatten me up as I was too skinny.At a size 10, I'm far from skinny but apparently this one had two mistresses- who were full figured.Fattening me up fit right into his ideal This one is a dealbreaker for me. I simply don't enjoy being with men who don't find me attractive/hot as is, and I will sense it even if he doesn't directly say it. So if a guy comes at me with backhanded compliments, especially on permanent things about me (I've been this size for about 20years), he gets it with both barrells. quote: I should have seen it coming when he pulled a disappearing act and then emerged with some cock and bull story about not being able to support me(I never asked him to) and needing to earn money etc. etc My first clue should have been when I read his ad which detailed what HE wanted.Then I was charmed when he went out of his way to meet me That part is relatively common. I have had many boys who start chatting/emailing, than disappear, to later reappear. If I remember him, I will cut him off immediately. If I don't remember what happened for us to go our separate ways, it eventually reveals itself. Chemistry is a funny thing, and people don't tend to change much. If I don't feel you today because something about you doesn't sit well with my stomach, chances are very good, I won't feel you a year from now. There are sometimes miscommunications which can be corrected with clarification and meeting face to face, but that is the exception, not the rule in my experience. M

mistressrose10 -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/8/2006 6:53:10 AM)
Clearly reading comprehension is not your forte, darq! First of all, I never complain.Secondly, the question tabled was not,"what would you do?" but asking MISTRESSES how they handle topping from the bottom. Thirdly, it is my prerogative and that of anyone on this forum to ask advice from like-minded individuals, be they perfect strangers or not! Lastly,if you"don't get it", don't get into it!

ShysPurrkat -> RE: Warning signs that your sub may not be right (6/9/2006 10:02:12 AM)
agrees with Mistress Rose ... yup thats what I thought you Ment Ma'am I didn't think you were complaining

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