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Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 1:47:45 AM

booboo5150

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/15/2012
Status: offline

I need to know what I am supposed to do. I am in a long distance relationship with a dom male, and I have a very stong female personality that is not easily bent. I've researched, I've done chat rooms, I'm doing everything I thought I was told to to do, and nothing seems to be right. I know that I am a submissive at heart, but I'm having a hard time getting it right. I'm looking for advice from Male Doms and Female Subs. Please help me. Thank You.

Post #: 1

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 4:31:14 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Where strong personalities are in play and real life experience is absent, best advice I can recommend is to find a relationship where you both spend time in the same room, together.

Because it just doesn't work when you really don't know and can't read each other's moods and meanings and it's all too easy to take/give offense with someone in which you have nothing material personally invested in the outcome.

You likely are a submissive at heart (or you wouldn't be here) and you probably know Doms expect a lot from their subs. That's a lot to give someone you've never even met so of course you're gonna keep hitting the proverbial walls of doubt and rebellion etc. Esp when this Dom inevitably makes some small assumption of a stranger that has you blowing up in his face...., errrr...., computer screen(?).

Nothing personally invested means it's too easy to cut your losses and look elsewhere rather than work out immediate issues - for Dom and sub alike.

Welcome to CM and the Forums. :)

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to booboo5150)

Post #: 2

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 5:25:16 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You're not going to want to hear this but...

1. You're brand new to this. You've done the research, done what you think you should, and you're assuming 100% of the blame for things not working out. Why is that? Since the partner you mention on your profile prefaces his name with "Master", he either has considerable experience and knows his stuff cold, or else he is a pretender who has usurped the title. (Hint: I have been in the lifestyle ten years on and off and would never presume to call myself a Master.) If he is a legit Master, he should be guiding you.

The answer could be you, it could be him, or it could be that while both of you are great at your roles, you just don't mesh as a couple. Judging from your post, I don't think it's you.

2. The other thing is that it's very hard to maintain any relationship long distance. IMO it's even harder to do that with D/s. There's an energy, a feeling, when you submit in person, that is very hard to replicate on phone or online, and is needed to happen regularly. LDRs are simply hard to keep going.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 3

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 6:38:31 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Maybe he isn"t right for you. If he is trying to change your view of things, core values etc and you are fighting him on it, well theres a good reason for that.

I know Ive tried changing things just to please someone, big things, and you know what.......basically some things are just to engrained inside of us to change them. We believe them and if you believe them strong enough, you find yourself not wanting to submit to a particular demand. If thats the case, then maybe you all arent on the same page.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 6:51:27 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

When you say you've done everything you thought were you were supposed to do and nothing seems right is that the feedback he's giving you or how you're feeling yourself? If that's his feedback ask open questions to try and root out exactly what his expectations were, if they are your feelings communicate that with him. Yes long distance is damn hard and the post above makes a good point about basic core beliefs needing to match up to make a dynamic work. It's the thing that most people don't realise about kink on their first try is that kink relationships don't differ wildly from vanilla ones at their base, they require people who's ideals / requirements match up to make them work.

Hope some of this is helping.

_____________________________

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Team UK

quote:

when it comes to people and data I have the memory of a London cabbie. It's served me well.

LadyHibiscus 13th June 2012 shamelessly stolen and will not be returned

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 5

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 8:07:13 AM

thedavezone

Posts: 113
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: South Korea
Status: offline

You didn't give us much to go on, specifics and such.

Have you spoken to your master about these feelings?

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 6

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 8:08:50 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Where strong personalities are in play and real life experience is absent, best advice I can recommend is to find a relationship where you both spend time in the same room, together.
Focus.

Focus is absolutely right. I'm an alpha female. For me to submit, I need to have a partner that is more alpha than I am and most men aren't. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but if you're with someone that isn't really an alpha and you're a very strong female, you're on a very difficult road. For me, I found that the best way for me to stay in my chosen role is to be with that person more than twice a month, otherwise it's just a kink session.

Honestly, I would suggest finding your local community and getting involved. You may even want to find a mentor (mentors do not play or get into relationships) so that you have some guidance in your community.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/16/2012 8:10:00 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 7

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 8:33:42 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

After having two long distance relationships that did not live up to their promise when we moved to real time, I would never again submit to someone before meeting him and seeing if there was chemistry and he was who he claimed to be.

Have you actually met this guy?

Desktop Doms may have no real world experience and thus have unrealistic expectations. Don't be so quick to lay all the blame at your own feet. Especially if I found the correct profile - he says that he expects slaves to fail his boot camp. Why would you even want to be with someone who intentionally sets you up to fail?

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(in reply to booboo5150)

Post #: 8

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 8:39:02 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If you're not getting it right then he's not explaining what he wants clearly enough to you.

Or

You're just maybe not a submissive. I'm going with the first one though since imo that's usually the problem when subs talk about this. Or he's setting you up to fail which I see a lot of also.

You two need to talk.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 9

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 12:33:05 PM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I feel there are degrees of submission, some subs are more easily controlled where as some, like Oside suggested, are far more alpha. Perhaps this is you. Or perhaps the man you are belonging to, isn't as alpha as you need him to be. It takes a while to find that perfect one. But munches are a good way to start to find out. Good luck.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 3:32:36 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Some people just need to be in the other's presence to establish a connection. It sounds like you're one. If this isn't working, and you don't have the opportunity to meet, why not just stay friends until you can meet and have a real relationship, assuming you then feel the necessary chemistry.

And in the meantime, meet local people. Go to munches and make friends, ignore 99% of what goes on in chat rooms. None of that is real.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 11

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 4:01:04 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

I feel there are degrees of submission, some subs are more easily controlled where as some, like Oside suggested, are far more alpha.

In the presence of someone more alpha than I am (like Himself), I'm a pussycat. But, if I feel like I can walk on you, I'll leave high heel marks up and down your back.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 12

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/16/2012 6:53:34 PM

booboo5150

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/15/2012
Status: offline

I am grateful for all of the good words, advice, and support.
Truly, Thank you all.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/18/2012 4:00:39 PM

AnastasiaSteele

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/8/2012
Status: offline

You need a connection with your Dom other than sexual release. You need to see and feel his presence. It shouldn't be hard if it's right.

quote:

ORIGINAL: booboo5150

I need to know what I am supposed to do. I am in a long distance relationship with a dom male, and I have a very stong female personality that is not easily bent. I've researched, I've done chat rooms, I'm doing everything I thought I was told to to do, and nothing seems to be right. I know that I am a submissive at heart, but I'm having a hard time getting it right. I'm looking for advice from Male Doms and Female Subs. Please help me. Thank You.

(in reply to booboo5150)

Post #: 14

RE: Trying to get it right, need help and teaching - 6/22/2012 11:07:44 AM

Char2688

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

What we have here is a failure to communicate

(in reply to AnastasiaSteele)

Post #: 15

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