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submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 6:04:57 PM   
ghostriver


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

I could really use your insight on a question troubling me these days. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost half a year, but one painfully long plane ride after, I'm finally spending time with Master. Everything is going well so I guess I got lucky in this respect because.. long distance is a tricky thing. Personal opinion here only - as every statement I make which isn't a fact.

My only issue here is that at home I was never exposed to people who identified themselves as dominants or submissives. And to tell the truth, I sense trouble, because I don't have a clue how to deal with other dominants. I know I'm horribly inexperienced here because aside from my Master I only met.. two? One of whom I just didn't like much, the other, though, has many qualities that inspire respect. And here is where my problem lies.

I've always thought I was 'Master's slave' or submissive to him only, as opposed to 'a slave' or 'a submissive'. I was really sure of this and in some way it helped me to preserve my integrity. I'm finding out that I might have submissive and servile tendencies to dominants in general - the ones I like and respect. I have to deal with a change in my identity, in how I see myself and.. it's scary. And interesting.

I am asking if something similar has happened to you. If you think submissive and servile tendencies in person are more common than just being submissive to one person - or the other way round - and why. And basically anything you can add. I'd love to hear about your experience or opinions with this change - really, is it a change, or do some people always know they have - for the lack of a better word - a submissive personality? What about Doms? I've already realized that for some of them the need to be in control of what's around them is really strong. Does it often extend to everyone or just submissive people, or is it one person only? I do realize the most rational way is to say that it's just different for everyone and it's true, of course, but having something else I can think about apart from repeating thoughts how it's.. overwhelming and scary and I feel like I'm betraying my Master by wanting to be submissive towards someone else (I have to mention here that I don't want to belong to someone else nor do I consider myself poly)... so yeah, your input would be very helpful.

Oh, and I've been reading this forum daily for several months and I really like how you guys think and discuss... it's been a great source to learn from. Thank you.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 6:13:57 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		I think the best advice I could give you (as someone also new) is to follow your heart and be yourself. There's a reason why this Dominant saw something in you. There is no way you should be losing part of your personal identity. Being submissive is part of your personality or personal nature... this doesn't mean you are cheating on him or lessening your experience with him if thats just how you behave normally. You will be able to pick up his body language and verbal cues and act accordingly.

I'm sure some others might be able to provide you with some very good and useful books to read on the subject.

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 6:33:19 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Without meaning to be dismissive of your concerns, I think you are over thinking it a bit.

Being submissive towards someone is just one way to relate to another human being. If you think of all of the people in your life, you will relate to them all in different ways - you may feel protective towards one person, you may hold someone else at arm's length, you may use humour to relate to some people, you may enjoy arguing with some people and detest it with others. Some people you will feel submissive towards and others you may take the lead or relate on an equal footing. For some people, being submissive is an important part of any romantic relationship and in order for the relationship to last and be fulfilling it is necessary. For others it is just the icing on the cake. Yet more people choose to keep submission separate from feelings of love.

Rather than defining yourself as 'submissive-only-to-him' or 'always a slave' or anything else, why not look at it as a fluid part of your personality. No (healthy) person out there is submissive to absolutely every person, there is always a degree of selectiveness even if it isn't a conscious decision.

I suspect you will find some posters who feel they only feel submissive towards their current partner, and others who take a submissive role in many of their relationships. It's hard to say which is more common. I've never submitted to anyone else, but it seems to work for me and I might guess that I would have ended up with a dominant man one way or another. As with most people in life, the answer is 'some people do this, some people do that'. Where do you fall on this continuum? That's something you'll have to find out, but it doesn't need to be indentity changing. So far you've met three doms - one worked, one didn't, one had potential. Sounds just like any other type of dating.

As for doms - some people will be happier always being in charge, some are content to keep that in one area of their lives. Some will try to impose their will on everyone regardless (and probably won't be very popular), others will choose more carefully.

How to deal with other doms? Like you would deal with any other human being. Look at it this way: have you ever met someone that you find sexually attractive whilst you are already in a relationship? Is that a betrayal? It's not a betrayal to your Master to find someone appealing or to consider what it would be like to be dominated by someone else. You obviously know that submission in general holds at least some appeal or you wouldn't have been looking for dominants, and your Master knows that too. On the other hand, if you were to go around submitting to just anyone, even in an entirely non-sexual way, I'm sure that would take away from your Master's sense of ownership. But just like there's a difference between thinking someone's hot, and fucking them, there's a difference between feeling you could submit and actually doing it.

Relax, enjoy the ride.



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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 6:43:18 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		There are people who have a submissive nature to people in general. Nothing wrong with that, but I would carefully chose who I behaved this way to. Not saying to go against your nature if this is you because there is, again, nothing wrong with being who you are. I would say just make sure the people you are this way towards are taking you for granted.

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 7:11:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		eeerrr...they just get treated like everyone else in the world. The title they give themselves don't mean shit. I can call myself Queen of Baltimore and tell everyone they must bow down to me but I have a feeling people would be laughing their asses off and giving me the finger and more lol.

Very few people I respect. Everyone else gets common courtesy unless they've already proved to me that they're not even worth that and in those cases I just stay away from them or I ignore them when I'm around them...dom, sub, slave, Masters, co workers, family, friends, etc....The only one who gets more than even respect is my own Master.

And yes I'm a submissive personality in my everyday to day life with everyone but that doesn't mean I need to be stomped on and taken advantage of by people. I don't like having to be the leader of the front of the room but ya know, sometimes life gives you no choices. It's eat or be eaten.

Again, bdsm does NOT let me repeat it for all who seem to be hard of hearing...bdsm is NOT any different from any other relationship in the world. The people are no different than anyone else. SAME RULES APPLY.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/28/2012 7:14:54 PM >

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 8:57:54 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghostriver

Hello everyone,

I could really use your insight on a question troubling me these days. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost half a year, but one painfully long plane ride after, I'm finally spending time with Master. Everything is going well so I guess I got lucky in this respect because.. long distance is a tricky thing. Personal opinion here only - as every statement I make which isn't a fact.

My only issue here is that at home I was never exposed to people who identified themselves as dominants or submissives. And to tell the truth, I sense trouble, because I don't have a clue how to deal with other dominants. I know I'm horribly inexperienced here because aside from my Master I only met.. two? One of whom I just didn't like much, the other, though, has many qualities that inspire respect. And here is where my problem lies.

I've always thought I was 'Master's slave' or submissive to him only, as opposed to 'a slave' or 'a submissive'. I was really sure of this and in some way it helped me to preserve my integrity. I'm finding out that I might have submissive and servile tendencies to dominants in general - the ones I like and respect. I have to deal with a change in my identity, in how I see myself and.. it's scary. And interesting.

I am asking if something similar has happened to you. If you think submissive and servile tendencies in person are more common than just being submissive to one person - or the other way round - and why. And basically anything you can add. I'd love to hear about your experience or opinions with this change - really, is it a change, or do some people always know they have - for the lack of a better word - a submissive personality? What about Doms? I've already realized that for some of them the need to be in control of what's around them is really strong. Does it often extend to everyone or just submissive people, or is it one person only? I do realize the most rational way is to say that it's just different for everyone and it's true, of course, but having something else I can think about apart from repeating thoughts how it's.. overwhelming and scary and I feel like I'm betraying my Master by wanting to be submissive towards someone else (I have to mention here that I don't want to belong to someone else nor do I consider myself poly)... so yeah, your input would be very helpful.

Oh, and I've been reading this forum daily for several months and I really like how you guys think and discuss... it's been a great source to learn from. Thank you.



Well, I actually don't give a shit so....I'm probably the wrong one to ask.

(in reply to ghostriver)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 10:10:41 PM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		From my own perspective, hopefully this will help.

I am service oriented, I find fulfillment in taking care of the needs of others.  This does not mean I am submissive to them.  It means I make a conscious decision to to things that please them because of the satisfaction it brings to me.  Not this is about me, not them.  There is no power exchange, there is no relationship.  As to how I act around Dominant people?  With polite, respect at the minimum (assuming that they are deserving).  As familiarity and comfort increase, this changes just as any relationship would. 

Please don't fall into pattern of submitting to anyone who claims to be a Dominant.  You are an adult, outside of your relationship, you have an obligation to your self to act as one and take responsibility for making mature decisions.   


(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/28/2012 11:42:33 PM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		All good advice above. The only thing I might add (unless it's there already and I missed it) is: ask your master for his view. Discuss and communicate, communicate, communicate....

(in reply to artemiss)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/29/2012 12:09:56 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghostriver
I am asking if something similar has happened to you.

Carol is what I call "socially submissive". In her own words, she prefers to defer... pretty much to anyone. It's not restricted to people who are socially dominant although a dominant personality will get more compliance out of her. One that is socially dominant and also honorable will get pretty much anything out of her that doesn't conflict with me. Carol wouldn't register any other kind of dominance so other kinds would just be "neutral"... meaning she'd defer to some degree.

What about Doms? I've already realized that for some of them the need to be in control of what's around them is really strong.
I am what I call "socially dominant". I have no "need" to control what's around me. It's just how I see the world. In pretty much every situation I'm seeing myself as in control of it. No, it's not limited to subs... it's everyone. I couldn't not think that way. Now, often times I don't WANT to actively assume control of something so I don't.

If I were to be disappointed in Carol for submitting to random strangers then I'd be disappointed in her as a human being because she can't do anything else. That would beg the question of why did I marry her? Personally, I'm pretty content having a slave that finds submission as easy as a fish in swimming in water. Not all commands are easy to obey, but the thought process is automatic.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 6/29/2012 12:11:45 AM >

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officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/29/2012 7:32:02 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghostriver


I've always thought I was 'Master's slave' or submissive to him only, as opposed to 'a slave' or 'a submissive'.
Even if you are a "slave" or "submissive" it doesn't mean that your are submissive to everyone. Period. Double period.

quote:

I was really sure of this and in some way it helped me to preserve my integrity.
I'm not quite sure how this undermines your integrity. If you're having a hard time saying "no" to inappropriate things , then you need to work on your boundaries.

quote:

I'm finding out that I might have submissive and servile tendencies to dominants in general - the ones I like and respect. I have to deal with a change in my identity, in how I see myself and.. it's scary. And interesting.


You probably have a submissive personality (which has nothing to do with D/s or BDSM). We have friends that I view as alphas. Around them I feel more submissive. I may provide service to them, ie: getting drinks or serving dinner, but I'm not submitting to their control or doing anything inappropriate.

You need to find your boundaries, draw the line in the sand......and if these "Dominants" that you like can't respect that line.....then they're in it for them and they're not really your friends.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/29/2012 7:36:48 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/29/2012 7:54:36 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghostriver

Hello everyone,

I could really use your insight on a question troubling me these days. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost half a year, but one painfully long plane ride after, I'm finally spending time with Master. Everything is going well so I guess I got lucky in this respect because.. long distance is a tricky thing. Personal opinion here only - as every statement I make which isn't a fact.

My only issue here is that at home I was never exposed to people who identified themselves as dominants or submissives. And to tell the truth, I sense trouble, because I don't have a clue how to deal with other dominants. I know I'm horribly inexperienced here because aside from my Master I only met.. two? One of whom I just didn't like much, the other, though, has many qualities that inspire respect. And here is where my problem lies.

I've always thought I was 'Master's slave' or submissive to him only, as opposed to 'a slave' or 'a submissive'. I was really sure of this and in some way it helped me to preserve my integrity. I'm finding out that I might have submissive and servile tendencies to dominants in general - the ones I like and respect. I have to deal with a change in my identity, in how I see myself and.. it's scary. And interesting.

I am asking if something similar has happened to you. If you think submissive and servile tendencies in person are more common than just being submissive to one person - or the other way round - and why. And basically anything you can add. I'd love to hear about your experience or opinions with this change - really, is it a change, or do some people always know they have - for the lack of a better word - a submissive personality? What about Doms? I've already realized that for some of them the need to be in control of what's around them is really strong. Does it often extend to everyone or just submissive people, or is it one person only? I do realize the most rational way is to say that it's just different for everyone and it's true, of course, but having something else I can think about apart from repeating thoughts how it's.. overwhelming and scary and I feel like I'm betraying my Master by wanting to be submissive towards someone else (I have to mention here that I don't want to belong to someone else nor do I consider myself poly)... so yeah, your input would be very helpful.

Oh, and I've been reading this forum daily for several months and I really like how you guys think and discuss... it's been a great source to learn from. Thank you.




I know exactly where you are coming from ghostriver. I met the same crossroads over 30 years ago when I had to admit to myself that, although I am a dominant person in general, I have some very submissive tendencies, and they are not just in bed !!

This was hard for me to accept. Like you, I felt having this sub side was somehow *betraying* my sense of myself as a strong, capable, independent female. And I struggled with it. Then I had kids (2) and was a full time mom. What can I say? I learned so much from them in terms of the positive aspects of my softer, more maternal side -- what you call that "servile" side, and I am quoting you again for a reason.

Servile, to me, has a negative connotation. That tells me you still see your submissive side as negative. And why wouldn't you? Our society has given so little value or credibility to those softer feminine virtues, like enjoying pleasing and serving others that you respect and admire. But l learned first, that I *need* my sub side. It's what makes me a good human being. I am a much nicer and more well rounded person these days.

So, this may be hard for you, but attempt to embrace your sub side. It's part of you, after all. It's fine to temper being strong and independent with being compassionate and kind.

I hope this helps.

Best, CP

_____________________________



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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/29/2012 3:12:23 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

If you think submissive and servile tendencies in person are more common than just being submissive to one person - or the other way round - and why.


While some people other than the one(s) I'm sleeping with might inspire submission, generally I am equal or alpha with others. When I inadvertently outed myself as a CM member to the ad guys at work, they assumed I was a Dominatrix

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/29/2012 6:17:54 PM   
punisher440


Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline 		OP,In the end,when it is all said and done,you should just be what you feel is right and works for your Master and you.The dynamic works a little different for each of us,what might be right for me and my s type might not fit in what you want and need.Some are submissive only in the bedroom,others are submissive in public.There is no wrong answer if you follow what you feel to be right for you in your relationship as long as you and your Master agree to it.

(in reply to ghostriver)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/30/2012 12:21:57 AM   
ropekitten


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/11/2010
Status: offline 		At work and in public, I am a leader and I am very comfortable in that role. But when I come across a strong dominant person, someone who knows how to be in charge without being a bully, someone who gives and earns respect and is generally understated, I can switch just like a light switch. If that person is not in the BDSM world, then I am not so much submissive, but rather completely and happily supportive. When I come across someone like that in a BDSM situation (and if I have placed myself under his control), I delight in the ability to allow myself to become completely submissive, proud to perform tasks that normally I would not enjoy simply because it is pleasing to him. In this I allow my mind to just be and I am in my happiest state. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being in charge, and I am good at what I do, but I am even happier when I am allowed to be my submissive self.

Unfortunately, I still need to work on my boundaries (because once I let myself slip into my submissive self, I can easily allow too much) and on enforcing them. That is my journey. I do not, however, see service as a weakness, but rather a different kind of strength.

Gah, I've reread this, and I think it will only make sense to me. See what ChatteParfait wrote? So true!

Addendum: If I find I have given myself into the control of a Dom who is not confident himself, I find myself unable to let myself go completely into that beautiful submissive state. I do obey and serve, and I enjoy it, but I can't let go, and I have to fight an urge to slip back into my leadership role. Kind of like a dog who will take over the alpha role of the pack if the humans don't do a good job of it.

< Message edited by ropekitten -- 6/30/2012 12:25:12 AM >

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/30/2012 3:57:56 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Gah, I've reread this, and I think it will only make sense to me.


Made perfect sense to me!

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RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 6/30/2012 5:37:51 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I can lend you my observations. From what I have seen:

1) You can have submissive personality traits. It has nothing to do with BDSM.
2) You can be a bedroom submissive or sexual submissive. You interact as a submissive with your partner in the bedroom only.
3) You can be a submissive in a BDSM style relationship role. You only interact as a submissive with your partner, not others.
4) You can be a submissive in a leather lifestyle role. You interact in a submissive role with most everyone in the leather community.

I think there is wide gap between "submitting to everyone Dominant" and being a "lifestyle submissive" that exhibits respect, manners and protocol to her fellow community. So feel free to go forth, be polite and respectful. With your Master's permission, offer a Dom some courtesy like fetching a drink or whatever level of sharing your owner feels comfortable with. Enjoy your role.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 7/1/2012 1:21:21 PM   
PhaedrusTheThird


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline 		I have a submissive side but not a submissive mentality. If I am around a person I trust and is confident in their power/position I will find myself dropping into the submissive role. I enjoy turning control over to another.
A lot depends on the personal dynamics between us- each person is unique and I shift roles depending on what feels proper. I may not be a typical anything, but when my head puts me into the submissive role I can just relax and do what pleases my partner without consideration for personal pleasure.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 7/1/2012 3:13:14 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I can lend you my observations. From what I have seen:

1) You can have submissive personality traits. It has nothing to do with BDSM.
2) You can be a bedroom submissive or sexual submissive. You interact as a submissive with your partner in the bedroom only.
3) You can be a submissive in a BDSM style relationship role. You only interact as a submissive with your partner, not others.
4) You can be a submissive in a leather lifestyle role. You interact in a submissive role with most everyone in the leather community.

I think there is wide gap between "submitting to everyone Dominant" and being a "lifestyle submissive" that exhibits respect, manners and protocol to her fellow community. So feel free to go forth, be polite and respectful. With your Master's permission, offer a Dom some courtesy like fetching a drink or whatever level of sharing your owner feels comfortable with. Enjoy your role.

This! So much this! With one little added part.

Being the protocol type that I am, anybody who belongs to Me has to ensure that I am served first. By served, I mean anything that has to do with My personal service. Fill that other person's glass before Mine and there *will* be a discussion. I'm very strict about such things. Other people wouldn't care one way or the other.



_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 7/1/2012 3:50:44 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I think if I filled someone else's cup first without his permission to do so I'd be getting a good long lecture from him and lots more. But otherwise, he knows my personality is submissive. He knows I'll always kowtow to others, I'll sit in the back and listen, I will wait for someone to tell me what to do. I don't take initiative unless I absolutely hate to and even then I'm complaining the entire time and people stay away from me. At that point I'm yelling at them to leave me alone and I will do it all myself since they couldn't be bothered before.

For me my personality is extremely tied into my submissive tendencies. Always has been, always will be. It's who I am. I can't separate it from bdsm or the rest of my life with others. It is what it is.


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/1/2012 3:51:46 PM >

_____________________________

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Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: submissive tendencies as a part of personality? - 7/2/2012 10:39:57 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		Now I know why I like to read your posts.

LBO

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Profile   Post #: 20
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