RE: Pointers for a young sub

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Pointers for a young sub

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Pointers for a young sub

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 8:27:19 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

Avoid one true wayisms

Thats my 2c

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 8:36:30 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

but Dia, some guys are really great at couching their 'one twue way-isms' in terms that may sound reasonable to a novice. I mean, haven't we seen that time and time again around here and on FL?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 9:58:24 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
Many women who first come to the realization that they are submissive think that all of a
sudden, they have to change who they are and how they carry themselves to reflect that stereotypical doormat
that alot of people associate with being submissive. They are too quick to dispose of any self worth they may have,
and feel they have to do things to prove they are submissive, as opposed to proving they are a woman worthy of a good man.

Bolded and brightened for truth. Poise has nailed it.

Agreed. And what Bita said. Speaking for myself, I wasn't taught the tools I needed early on to know myself, have a sense of self worth and look out for myself. I learned those tools much later, after major fuck ups and really hard emotional pains. Someone telling me to "grow up" would not have made one iota of difference in my world, because I didn't really know what that entailed, other than living life and learning from it.

And this was non-BDSM related as well as BDSM related.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/2/2012 6:54:28 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

1) BDSM relationships arent't very different from vanilla relationships. So don't forget the common sense rules that you used for vanilla dating. For example, if you wouldn't give a complete stranger a blowjob on the first meeting in a vanilla situation, then don't give a complete stranger a blowjob on the first meeting simply because he says that he's a "Dom" and commands you to do so. Common sense is common sense. If he says that he wants you to give him a blowjob to "prove your submission", get up and leave immediately and don't look back.

2) Make a Dom/Domme earn your submission. Don't give it away cheaply.

3) Make sure that your safety always remains your top priority. Meet potential Doms in a safe, public place. Don't have a first meeting at your house or his house, even if he "commands" you to do so.

4) You don't have to submit to everyone who claims to be dominant. It's okay to not obey people with whom you don't share a D/s dynamic. There is NO PROTOCOL that says that you must obey someone that you don't know or don't feel comfortable obeying.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/2/2012 10:07:34 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

but Dia, some guys are really great at couching their 'one twue way-isms' in terms that may sound reasonable to a novice. I mean, haven't we seen that time and time again around here and on FL?

Like.... Say... Ron? I'm not quite sure if it's one true way or just a man with some serious focus but.... Lololol

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/5/2012 12:58:13 AM

uniquefreek

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/16/2012
Status: offline

I really dont get into posting, but I felt I had to say, after being with a Dom, and very submissive myself, He set my legs on fire, and then later he went on to take both breasts off with barbedwire, Pointers for new subs? Believe in yourself and your gut, Simply if its to good to be true, IT IS!, Dont believe one Master or Dom Makes or breaks you...If your not enough without Him, you wont ever be enuff with him..
Be careful, take a friend, meet in public, take your time and develop a bond before giving yourself away..JMHO :)

(in reply to ReMakeYou)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/5/2012 3:33:35 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Using FR:

The OP has gotten some excellent advice from littlewonder, bita, Nueva, and Rochsub. I would also add: avoid sub frenzy and immediately entering into a power dynamic with someone b/c they say they are a dominant.

Most new subs get a bad case of sub frenzy when they meet a dominant who can float their boat. It's normal and natural to feel completed when encountering a dominant who appears to vindicate and validate who you are on some deep intrinsic level. The operating words here being "appears to." A tight pull of good ole yin and yang does not soul mates make. As with all new romantic relationships, you need to slow down, form a friendship, and get to know the person on a wide variety of levels.

This means NOT engaging in an immediate dynamic with a complete stranger that you most likely met on the internet. I am always amazed at people who do this. You don't have to call anyone Sir or Master or Mistress, and in fact, you shouldn't. If they tell you it's required, that should be a red flag -- b/c you are dealing with someone who wants an instant dynamic.

My own one true wayism: Good power dynamics do not occur instantly, they evolve over time.

_____________________________

(in reply to uniquefreek)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/16/2012 7:20:49 PM

WeAimToPlease

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline

What Chatte said. Spoken very well.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/16/2012 9:05:32 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

I've met a lot of subs who had a hard time telling the difference between a decent dom, and a heavy-handed guy with very deep issues. Doubly so since most of them either didn't acknowledge themselves as subs, didn't know what communities there were available, or fell in with unhealthy ones. It seems like almost a rite of passage that any sub will have horror stories about. And I'm watching a younger girl I know developing those right now.

So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

If you go slow, and demand to be treated with respect, a lot of the creeps disappear fast. Be real. Approach a dom as a person first, and expect them to approach you as a person. Don't get into the kinky stuff too soon. Demand to be treated with respect. Don't put up with BS. Don't be intimidated by someone just because they call themselves a dom. Just as in vanilla dating, you won't feel a connection with, and may not even like, a lot of the doms you meet.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/16/2012 9:48:48 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Use common sense.

Watch out for red flags, and listen to them.

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option.

All of above is pertinent whatever type of relationship you have.

As someone said, BDSM does make you or him special and you don't have to lose yourself for the sake of having your fantasies fulfilled.

(in reply to seekingreality)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/19/2012 2:35:25 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

Never lose yourself. It really is that simple, I have seen so many people, myself included, who during the kid in a sweetshop phase lose all logic and reason. Treating all potential partners in BDSM as you would have with someone you met at the pub is the best advice.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to sexyred1)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/19/2012 7:43:40 AM

Char2688

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

I reject the premise of the original post...I do not believe the. Op knows many subs who are going about life wrong. If the background info is not believable, the question is not valid!

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 9/1/2012 7:40:58 PM

FMRFGOPGAL

Posts: 763
Joined: 9/1/2012
Status: offline

Does anyone have a list of things that will get you deleted if you're say some errant guy emailing you? I have started a list of criteria and I can see from some of the jerks that email me despite what I add, the list is really going to grow... If somone has a list that seems to be working. Can you PM it to me? Or post it here if it won't bother the other readers.
thanks Gail

(in reply to Char2688)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 9/1/2012 7:49:33 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Yes, that decision is personal for everyone.

You decide what is acceptable and what isn't.

You make the choices about what your limits are regarding deleting, deleting unread (you can hover over the message to get the gist of it) and blocking him/her all together.

There is no right or wrong; there is what is comfortable for you.

Edit to add: a list is unlikely to work- men often email without reading profiles and if they do read them they believe that somehow they are the exception to your rule.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 9/1/2012 7:51:58 PM >

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to FMRFGOPGAL)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 9/1/2012 8:42:21 PM

FMRFGOPGAL

Posts: 763
Joined: 9/1/2012
Status: offline

What about filtering by criteria? Is there any here? Like overseas, etc.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 35

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 9/1/2012 8:46:15 PM

FMRFGOPGAL

Posts: 763
Joined: 9/1/2012
Status: offline

I DID think of perhaps adding in the Perofile, my Darkest fantasy. "Getting caught in the act by my vanilla b/f (NCAA QB) and watching him pulverize my playmate."

(in reply to FMRFGOPGAL)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: Pointers for a young sub - 9/1/2012 9:15:30 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

Little&Des: It's all nice and internetty to say "know yourself, it has the same rules as any other relationship". But most people don't want things that, but for certain protocols, would easily qualify as abuse. So between the ones who think that keeping their True Sub status involves putting up with everything that happens, and the ones who stumble blindly around looking for something without knowing the protocols, it's a little more complex than that.

I'm the kind of sub who's stumbling around (that doesnt mean i'm sleeping around) otherwise how am i supposed to learn? There's so much to be learned by reading from other's experiences, but if you want to learn about your own well....you have to get into it somehow.

As for getting into bad relationships.....i guess they have yet to learn to respect themselves and make the bad choice.

It's just like any vanilla relationships, you have to trust and respect yourself, be at ease with what you're comfortable doing and going slowwww.....that's what i'm trying to do. Sub frenzy, i'm aware of it, and it can go pretty fast when you feel at ease with the person.....trying to slow things down is hard.

You can always give advices, but you cannot get them to learn if they are not in the right mindset or if they think they absolutely need to go down a (soon to be) bad path. You cant stop people from being people and making mistakes. That's how you learn, after all...

But hey, on the bright side, i just blocked a stalker. I think i'm doing rather well