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You have issues with women who have minor children. Dude, you are 49 years old, and unless you think you are going to find some twentysomething girl, the women your age, many will have children and aren't interested in someone who says right up front, is going to have issues with their kids.

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ORIGINAL: pinniped
It seems to me that this particular group is almost all about the D/s part of the equation, with not only fairly little attention given to the BD/SM parts, but sometimes an almost contemptuous attitude when it's even brought up.

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ORIGINAL: pinniped
The suggestions about volunteering are good, and there are other methods I should explore. Munches I still have a reluctance about, because to me they seem like exactly the wrong way to try to get to know people. I hvae a friend who organizes FemDom dinners, and I've gone on occasion. We sit around a table making small talk. How you can make real connections there baffles me. That isn't just about BDSM - I don't know how it works in a vanilla context either. I've almost never become real friends with a co-worker, for instance.

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But the reason I started this particular discussion wasn't really meant to be a discussion about me in particular, although obviously it's something I have a personal interest in. It seems to me that this particular group is almost all about the D/s part of the equation, with not only fairly little attention given to the BD/SM parts, but sometimes an almost contemptuous attitude when it's even brought up. I can understand that reaction in part, as a response to those guys who are looking for someone purely as a fantasy-fulfillment device. On the other hand....isn't at least part of this about having fun? And aren't we all hoping to have at least some of our fantasies fulfilled some of the time? Is that necessarily a bad thing?

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I suppose from one perspective, some Dominants might be frustrated by a sub whose fantasies were too close to her own -- the whole thrill is to subject someone to something they genuinely don't want. Of course that sometimes grinds against the SSC mantra. It's not the easiest problem to solve.

From my own perspective, the ideal is to find someone whose fantasies are the converse of mine, but of course that fit is never going to be perfect.

Anyway, rambling. Thank you for the thoughtful responses, even when they aren't what I want to hear.

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ORIGINAL: pinniped

Munches I still have a reluctance about, because to me they seem like exactly the wrong way to try to get to know people. I hvae a friend who organizes FemDom dinners, and I've gone on occasion. We sit around a table making small talk. How you can make real connections there baffles me. That isn't just about BDSM - I don't know how it works in a vanilla context either. I've almost never become real friends with a co-worker, for instance.

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ORIGINAL: pinniped

Sorry for delayed reply. I did write one a while back which got eaten by the net (I sometimes seem to not be able to access the forums even when the rest of the site is there). Also, not sure exactly how much is worth saying.

However, I do want to make it clear that I *am* supporting myself -- just not very well. This is not intended as a permanent situation. For many years I did work full time (and for quite a while had a part-time job in addition to a full-time one) -- really continuously from my mid-twenties on. Then a couple of years ago I took a job which turned out to be a mistake (though keeping the job I had would probably not have been a great idea either) and which got me into a financial hole. Not that I ever made a *lot* of money, but except for one period about three years back, I've never been out of work either.

I've just never been a career-oriented person.

No, I don't expect to find a twenty-something-year-old, and in fact, while they're nice to look at, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have enough in common with one to really make a relationship. I usually run my searches for 35-59, but conentrate on the 45-55 age range.

Kids in the home? Sorry. I never wanted kids and don't want to be a step-parent at all. I am looking for someone who either feels the same way or whose kids are grown. (Grandkids are different -- generally you don't have the same level of responsibility there.)

(As a side issue, I've never really understood how anyone manages to balance raising kids with a full-on BDSM lifestyle. They seem completely incompatible to me. But if people are making it work, good for them.)

The suggestions about volunteering are good, and there are other methods I should explore. Munches I still have a reluctance about, because to me they seem like exactly the wrong way to try to get to know people. I hvae a friend who organizes FemDom dinners, and I've gone on occasion. We sit around a table making small talk. How you can make real connections there baffles me. That isn't just about BDSM - I don't know how it works in a vanilla context either. I've almost never become real friends with a co-worker, for instance.

But the reason I started this particular discussion wasn't really meant to be a discussion about me in particular, although obviously it's something I have a personal interest in. It seems to me that this particular group is almost all about the D/s part of the equation, with not only fairly little attention given to the BD/SM parts, but sometimes an almost contemptuous attitude when it's even brought up. I can understand that reaction in part, as a response to those guys who are looking for someone purely as a fantasy-fulfillment device. On the other hand....isn't at least part of this about having fun? And aren't we all hoping to have at least some of our fantasies fulfilled some of the time? Is that necessarily a bad thing?

I suppose from one perspective, some Dominants might be frustrated by a sub whose fantasies were too close to her own -- the whole thrill is to subject someone to something they genuinely don't want. Of course that sometimes grinds against the SSC mantra. It's not the easiest problem to solve.

From my own perspective, the ideal is to find someone whose fantasies are the converse of mine, but of course that fit is never going to be perfect.

Anyway, rambling. Thank you for the thoughtful responses, even when they aren't what I want to hear.

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I used to say that I was not good with the shy. That's not true at all. I'm not good with the PASSIVE.

Shy people might have a hard time making themselves get out there, but all it normally takes is a cheerful bulldozer like myself to get them going. (I discovered this when I found that my dearest friends are shy... who knew!) I have done that with many, many people over the years. I've gone to munches and parties, made introductions, generally been the shield for the scary parts. All they have to do is smile back, usually, and someone will sweep them up. Many events have greeters that do this sort of thing. It's not easy to break into a new group of people, even for someone like me.

PASSIVE people just sit there and wait for things to happen. They often wait a very long time indeed. Waiting to be noticed just doesn't work. Both parties have to make an effort.

Another note from a former Utility Dom... the passive types that need to be "set up" are generally the worst playmates. Seflish, self-absorbed energy sponges, who are amazed that we aren't grateful for their bodies to do with as they will. Imagine!

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ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission

I came up with a foolproof system to combat it.

Pretend your not.

Whenever I go into an unknown situation, I just decide "Right let's fool everyone into thinking you are confident", ok yeah its a complete lie but hey, it works.

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ORIGINAL: pinniped

How you can make real connections there baffles me. That isn't just about BDSM - I don't know how it works in a vanilla context either. I've almost never become real friends with a co-worker, for instance.

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ORIGINAL: BlackCuckoldX

whats the difference ?