RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s?

RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (Full Version)

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angelikaJ -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/4/2012 7:26:30 PM)
I think you might be someone who could really benefit from some education in Codependency. Whether it be through counseling yourself, meetings or books. http://www.amazon.com/Codependents-Guide-Twelve-Melody-Beattie/dp/0671762273/ref=la_B00455LE2E_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1341455055&sr=1-5 Don't let the 12 step-talk scare you; it is very readable. Also: http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

Firebirdseeking -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/5/2012 5:14:14 AM)
Angelika, I think that is a really unfair comment. Women are sociailized all over the world to take care of others, to not put their needs first, to be involved in others' needs. Then we do what we have been taught and we are labelled "co-dependent". A lot of the vanilla world could label the needs of a submissive as "co-dependent". I dont think that word applies here. Co dependence is what might describe the partner of an alcoholic who makes excuses for the alcoholic, covers for the alcoholic, is in active denial of a problem. I dont think the OP fits that label, any more than I think that label fits me because I "need" to center my life around my husband/dominant.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/5/2012 6:20:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder quote: and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work. This is a horrible idea if you read the op's own problems with her own love life. Again, if I was her grandma and see the troubles she has in her own love life, why the hell would I want her making choices for mine?? I'd be scared shitless. Actually, I meant doing things like paying bills on-line. I assumed that her grand-daughter is better than her at all of the computer stuff. So allowing her to help with that might not be a bad idea (particularly if her grandmother still falls for Nigerian phishing scams). But I agree with you that she shouldn't let her grand-daughter anywhere near her love life.

Muttling -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/5/2012 8:23:50 AM)
O'k...........Story Time..... I was at a demo party where we had rented a banquet room at a local Holiday Inn (it was where we had our munches as well.) There was an 80 year old's birthday in the room next door so I was playing door guard to avoid freaking out the vanillas when then very well dressed lady in her 70's walked to our door. Mutt: "The birthday party is in the next room ma'am." Lady: "YOUNG MAN!!!! Is this the BDSM demo?" Mutt: "uhhhh, uhhhh....." Lady: "I will get going in here." She even gave me a good paddling later that evening. :D

littlewonder -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/5/2012 8:24:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder quote: and recommend that she allow you to do her on-line work. This is a horrible idea if you read the op's own problems with her own love life. Again, if I was her grandma and see the troubles she has in her own love life, why the hell would I want her making choices for mine?? I'd be scared shitless. Actually, I meant doing things like paying bills on-line. I assumed that her grand-daughter is better than her at all of the computer stuff. So allowing her to help with that might not be a bad idea (particularly if her grandmother still falls for Nigerian phishing scams). But I agree with you that she shouldn't let her grand-daughter anywhere near her love life. Ah ok. Got it. Now that i agree with. I do that kind of stuff for my mom. If it wasn't for my sisters and I paying her bills for her and reading her mail to make sure she understands it, she'd be in complete trouble. I'm afraid though that being the op is very young, even she may not know how to balance a checkbook or pay bills or anything like that. Many young people today don't because schools no longer teach them that kind of stuff. I had to show my daughter how to write a check when she bought her first car. I remember sitting in the car place's office and she whispered to me "mom....how do I write a check?" lol. I couldn't help but laugh. She was 19 at the time. I also had to show her how to pay bills and such when she got her own place. So while I think it's a great idea, I just hope she's able to actually help her grandma with such things.

angelikaJ -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/5/2012 11:15:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking Angelika, I think that is a really unfair comment. Women are sociailized all over the world to take care of others, to not put their needs first, to be involved in others' needs. Then we do what we have been taught and we are labelled "co-dependent". A lot of the vanilla world could label the needs of a submissive as "co-dependent". I dont think that word applies here. Co dependence is what might describe the partner of an alcoholic who makes excuses for the alcoholic, covers for the alcoholic, is in active denial of a problem. I dont think the OP fits that label, any more than I think that label fits me because I "need" to center my life around my husband/dominant. First, being codependent is not some kind of indictment. I don't know whether alcoholism was a part of the OP's upbringing, I have no idea about that. Being involved with an alcoholic is just one of many dysfunctional patterns that can lead someone into being codependent. I do know that there is a difference between the caregiver role we are often socialised into and feeling an anxiety driven compulsion to fix. However, I am not basing this line of thinking from solely this thread.

Firebirdseeking -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 1:53:51 AM)
The drug and alcohol treatment folks coined the term, that is why I used it as an example. From there, it became more widespread to encompass emotional enmeshment, to the point of neglecting one's own self care or well being. I dont see this as applicable to the OP who seems to want to help her grandmother make better choices in her personal life. It may have not been intended as an indictment, but I have certainly seen it used that way; as I said, as a means of rubbing women's faces in the very training and socialization that we have historically experienced, and which is often simply being caring of others. Being compulsion driven to "fix" is often the result of "early childhood training", where a child is confronted with circumstances totally outside of his or her control but still struggles to try to achieve a modicum of control That child will grow up with "what is the problem and how can I fix it" being relatively hard wired.

mons -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 2:25:11 AM)
Your so right she does not need D/S she needs therapy as to why she is picking the "wrong men"? mons

LafayetteLady -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 6:45:39 AM)
I think the main point here is that the OP really is so clueless as to what her grandmother really needs and that jumping to the ridiculous conclusion that becoming a slave or a sub would be right for her is just beyond ignorance, especially when considering the OP herself is unable to deal with her own personal relationships concerning BDSM. The bottom line is that granny isn't looking for her granddaughter to "fix" her relationship problems, and doesn't respect her opinion for reasons the OP has made obvious in her post.

angelikaJ -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 11:30:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady I think the main point here is that the OP really is so clueless as to what her grandmother really needs and that jumping to the ridiculous conclusion that becoming a slave or a sub would be right for her is just beyond ignorance, especially when considering the OP herself is unable to deal with her own personal relationships concerning BDSM. The bottom line is that granny isn't looking for her granddaughter to "fix" her relationship problems, and doesn't respect her opinion for reasons the OP has made obvious in her post. That's the thing: once a boundary has been made or a thanks but no thanks has been given to then try and fix the [romantic] life of another adult when the person is having substantial difficulty him/herself is a pretty good indicator that there is a problem. That when the OP is having a relating based issue and instead of tending to that, is trying to fix someone else's mess, is a pretty red flag to me. It took me a long time to learn that my anxiety based worry type of focusing was codependency in disguise. And really that is all codependency is: trying to take care of other people's needs instead of tending to one's own.

Firebirdseeking -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 3:07:45 PM)
Taking care of others' needs and not my own? Unheard of, LOL!

JeffBC -> RE: How to tell my grandma about D/s? (7/6/2012 3:14:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ And really that is all codependency is: trying to take care of other people's needs instead of tending to one's own. I'm pretty sure in the clinical sense you'd have to include "when such behavior is detrimental" Honestly, I don't spend much time tending to my needs. I figure that's Carol's job. I'm too busy worrying about her needs. As near as I can tell, the only dividing line between interdependent and codependent is whether it's working out or not.

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