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EveryStreetCornr -> Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 10:26:58 AM)

Background:
I am 18, and my current partner is 26 with a nice new master's degree in physics. I am very inexperienced. And despite the stereotype surrounding scientists or otherwise nerdy peoples, he is most certainly not lacking in this area. So I find myself letting/making him take over, which he finds amusing and teases me awful for it. He does try to help me be more confident and not a flustered idiot, so that I can take charge and 'let his brain rest for once'.
I am shy about some things, among other complications. For one, I have never been able to climax from someone else. It's a rather difficult situation that has only proved problematic for tender egos. I actually advised this current partner to not even try, although he does offer. This does not phase me, by the way. I love the feeling of sex itself, so I am in no way disappointed. But I think over time it could make a lover develop a complex.
However I feel maybe since he is older/more experienced, that he could be the one to do it. He is the first I've had proper intercourse with. And he is also not at all a teenage boy fumbling around aimlessly while mommy is out on errands.
I actually believe this is the perfect relationship to gain more confidence and useful experience in sexual situations. And I plan on taking full advantage.

So, I plan on soon surprising him and taking control for a bit, and letting him be uninhibited for once. And basically just make him do whatever I say. I'm not sure I will be cut out for doming, but I'll be damned if I don't try.

I am asking for advice on dominating in general. ANY wisdom you wish to share is appreciated and welcome.
Please think of things that maybe you wish you had known when you started. I am eager to learn!!!


These things, in particular, are on my mind:

1.) Tips for being on top??? How can I feel confident enough for that first time??? And by confident, I mean in a way that I could be controlling and in charge. Like a mantra, or any way to prepare myself.
2.) I plan on demanding for oral, after he ejaculates inside (for the first time, again) And I need to know how to word it, in a way that a man could not resist.
3.) Demanding to be fucked, is another thing I am interested in. How to lead up to it, what to say, what tone of voice, etc.
4.) How do you get a man to beg for things in bed???

I am posting this for femdoms, so that I could obtain some of their learned wisdom.

~Jay



EveryStreetCornr -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 10:38:41 AM)

Let me try to clarify any quandaries beforehand,

I am the type of person who is either extremely one way, or extremely the other. In all things I have ever done. Instead of finding a middle ground for stability, I fluctuate between the two extreme ends. In this situation, I would be a 'Switch'. And I think that because I lack the functioning knowledge of that other extreme (Ie: The Dominance) I am unable to utilize anything other than the submissive preset I have ostensibly come with.

So I am in no way just asking for the average confidence in bed, as a young novice. I am asking for advice on how to dominate a partner.



DarkSteven -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 10:54:08 AM)

Back up a sec. Have you had any conversations with him about kink? Has he told you he wants to be a submissive? Why do you think he'd be happy subbing to you?



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 11:20:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Back up a sec. Have you had any conversations with him about kink? Has he told you he wants to be a submissive? Why do you think he'd be happy subbing to you?


My questions exactly! She seems to have drawn some conclusions that come out of left field. I'm definitely not following her logic.

Sounds to me like she needs to learn about the basics of sex. Instead, she's trying to run a marathon before she's even learned to walk.

I'm sure someone will offer her some tips on how to dominate someone. But it just seems like the OP is asking the wrong questions. Of course I could be wrong.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 11:21:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Back up a sec. Have you had any conversations with him about kink? Has he told you he wants to be a submissive? Why do you think he'd be happy subbing to you?


I thought this too. Does he want to submit? The part where he goes down after ejaculating inside you - some guys will love that, others will hate it. I'm not sure I'd spring this on him unless he has indicated an interest, if only because it will knock your confidence more if it goes wrong.

As for demanding that a man fucks you... I always found being naked and saying 'fuck me' tends to work.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 11:30:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I thought this too. Does he want to submit? The part where he goes down after ejaculating inside you - some guys will love that, others will hate it. I'm not sure I'd spring this on him unless he has indicated an interest, if only because it will knock your confidence more if it goes wrong.



Exactly! Many men will view eating their own cum as a "gay" act. I know that sounds silly, but eating cum is a hard limit for some men (even if the cum is their own).

quote:


As for demanding that a man fucks you... I always found being naked and saying 'fuck me' tends to work.


Yes! That approach definitely works. In fact, it probably works 100% of the time. Men are simple like that. [:D]

This is what really makes me concerned that perhaps she is just too inexperienced to be attempting domination. Demanding that a man fucks her is about the easiest thing in the world for a woman to do. And there are about a billion different ways to do it. Yet she seems perplexed about how to go about it.

Also, IMO being dominant is a personal trait. It's not easily faked. If she is as shy, inexperienced, and sexually awkward as she describes, then I'm not sure that the "Domme slippers" are going to fit her very well.

I applaud her desire to become more confident in her sexuality. I just think that she's trying to skip some necessary steps in her sexual development. For example, I'll bet her boyfriend would probably say that she doesn't know how to give a proper blowjob yet. I don't know that for sure, but based on her profile and what she's written in this thread, it's probably a good assumption.



LadyPact -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 12:07:05 PM)

The above posts are very on point. Please listen if these folks have hit the target.

If not, and your boyfriend has actually asked you to take charge in bed, here's how you accomplish what you asked in your numbered questions. Open your mouth and tell the man what you want him to do! I don't think I've ever been naked with a man between the sheets where "fuck Me now" didn't work. "Make Me cum" tends to get the result that I want as well.

Just some friendly advice. If you can't orgasm from intercourse, show the boyfriend the method you use to get yourself off. I mean that literally. If your clit needs to be rubbed a certain way, show him so he can incorporate it into your sex life. Very nice things can happen from this.




kalikshama -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 3:00:31 PM)

quote:

I am asking for advice on dominating in general. ANY wisdom you wish to share is appreciated and welcome.


When my husband and I were noobs, we found several of these books quite useful. Check them out and buy the ones that resonate with you: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

We also went to local BDSM events - munches and play parties - and met nice people who mentored us. If you'd prefer to meet people under 35, look for TNG groups. Fetlife is a great site for finding BDSM events.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/3/2012 4:54:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EveryStreetCornr

Background:
I am 18, and my current partner is 26 with a nice new master's degree in physics. I am very inexperienced.


Don't be too terribly concerned about that.

Richard Feynman put out a couple of excellent books on Physics back in the late 50's, early 60's....start there and other books will soon become obvious.

In due course you'll be splitting atoms and searching for quarks right beside him.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/4/2012 6:58:34 AM)

FR~

Wanting you to do the work is not the same as wanting you to be in charge. I've had dominant boyfriends who want me to simply take initiative to do things for them, instead of him having to constantly stimulate me, it's not necessarily wanting to give up control, but to be pampered.
Maybe his idea of sitting back and turning his brain off means he wants a nice rub and tug ending with you on top? TALK to him first before you make big plans and have them dashed, it will only hurt your shakey confidence further to guess wrongly what he wants.



IntriguedDiscord -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/4/2012 10:05:35 AM)

I think all the posts above are pretty spot on, though I think from your post I came to more the assumption that he was hoping to submit to you and you're just flustered about it (hey I was 18 once, I know exactly how that was and it really wasn't an easy thing to go about.) Some tips that weren't mentioned above that might help you feel more confidant about it:

Don't start in the bedroom. I personally love to collar my sub, make them crawl to me, kiss my ankles, makes them play games (these really don't have to be complicated, strip your man down and hell make him fetch you things while on his knees), maybe lead them by a leash to where I want them instead of vocalizing it.
Which brings me to my next point. You don't have to say anything is you don't want to. Lead him to it or you can also try grabbing his hair (if he isn't touchy about that) and again move him to how you want. You'd be surprised by how empowered these couple of things can make you feel. Having someone at your feet (especially if he's taller) makes it so easy. And yes you'll prolly still feel nervous at first, but ya know what he loves you, not everything has to be serious all the time. If it comes across silly at first well go with it. Everyone builds somewhere :)



MissToYouRedux -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/4/2012 1:55:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EveryStreetCornr

... He does try to help me be more confident and not a flustered idiot, so that I can take charge and *'let his brain rest for once'. * [emphasis mine]



What the OP quoted above was what said to me he wants to be submissive, as that rationale is mentioned in any number of male profiles looking to be dominated.






Rochsub2009 -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/5/2012 7:08:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux


quote:

ORIGINAL: EveryStreetCornr

... He does try to help me be more confident and not a flustered idiot, so that I can take charge and *'let his brain rest for once'. * [emphasis mine]



What the OP quoted above was what said to me he wants to be submissive, as that rationale is mentioned in any number of male profiles looking to be dominated.



That's interesting, because I interpreted it in a totally different way. I didn't think he was asking to be submissive at all. Instead, I thought that he was actually saying the following"

"I know that you're inexperienced sexually. But I'm tired of having to direct the action all the time. Sometimes I want to come home and just be seduced. I want you to initiate and direct the sex sometimes.

For example, why not surprise me and meet me at the door wearing something sexy when I come home from work? Then when I come through the door, why not casually walk up to me without saying a word, and get down on your knees and unzip my pants. Then start giving me a blowjob. Once you've got me nice and horny, get up from your knees and lead me to the bedroom by my cock. Then push me onto the bed and mount me cowgirl style. Then fuck my brains out until I literally forget every physics equation that I've ever learned".

That's the way I interpreted his request. I thought he was asking for her to initiate sex sometimes. I didn't think he was saying "Become my Domme. Fuck me with a strap-on. Dress me up in women's lingerie. Flog me. Then make me eat my own cum." But of course, I could be wrong. [;)]



angelikaJ -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/5/2012 10:15:49 AM)

You do have a bit of all or nothing thinking that is taking you down an illogical path.

There is a big difference between becoming a bit more assertive/taking control occasionally in bed and becoming a dominant partner; think of the difference between passive and assertive.
Passive doesn't necessarily mean submissive and assertive does not mean dominant (or aggressive).
Some behaviors might be the same, but it is all about head-space.

So just take the time to get to know him, get to know yourself and don't worry about living up to an invisible standard that in reality does not exist.


Orgasms with other people, at your age IS nothing to worry about at all.
Usually (unless you have some kind of sexual abuse or trauma in your background) that comes along in time as you become more comfortable with your own body, sex in general and sensual exploration.

Please don't think you are a lost cause.

Just focus on pleasure if your boyfriend wants to pleasure you.
The goal is to feel pleasure; it really isn't all about the O.
I can play by myself, get off quickly and on a scale of 1-5 it might be a 2 on the pleasure scale.
My Master can pleasure me for an hour and for most of that time I am in ecstasy and am teetering between a 4 and 5. If I don't cum, so what?
I have just had an hour of mind-blowing pleasure.

The only thing that can spoil it for me is thinking there is something wrong with me if I don't cum or over-thinking it and trying too hard.
One really can't let go too gently; trying hard screws it up every time (for me at least).

LadyPact made the excellent suggestion of showing him how you get yourself off.
That can be a wonderful shared experience.
It can make you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, silly and awkward... but for me it was a stepping stone to becoming orgasmically partnered.

Edit to add: Initiating sex doesn't have to be all or nothing either.
Don't know how to begin?
Undress him.
Undress him and kiss him while undressing him.

Do you have an outfit that he thinks you look hot in?
Wear that while undressing him... and kissing him etc.

You can take smaller steps if jumping into the deep end of the pool seems like too much at once.





MissToYouRedux -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/5/2012 11:33:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


...lead me to the bedroom by my cock. Then push me onto the bed and mount me cowgirl style. Then fuck my brains out until I literally forget every physics equation that I've ever learned"....



Funny, but replace the bj with "hours of oral sex ", add a light spanking, and the rest above is really close to the scenarios in messages I get from "bedroom submissives " . [;)]



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/5/2012 12:21:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

Funny, but replace the bj with "hours of oral sex ", add a light spanking, and the rest above is really close to the scenarios in messages I get from "bedroom submissives " . [;)]


That just goes to show that bedroom submissives are still just men. We're a pretty simply bunch when you really think about it. [:D]



QueenRah -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/6/2012 2:15:22 PM)

Three days later, and the OP is nowhere to be found. It would appear "she" isn't really interested in her own questions, let alone any of our answers to them. *shrugs*



DesFIP -> RE: Sex Newbee Requesting Advice (7/6/2012 3:06:09 PM)

She is only 18. If her parents found out she's using a site such as this, let alone dating a guy ten years older than her, she could easily have gotten into trouble.



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