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questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 6:24:04 AM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		I have been thinking about this for weeks now. I have been in the lifestyle for many years. I always thought i knew what i was and what i wanted. Im comming here after seriously questioning some things  about myself. I recently ended the relationship with my Dom.  The relationship wasn't working, and i finally had the strength to say that. I had allowed myself to get lost in this relationship. I allowed myself to do things that were completely against what i thought was right. He allowed it to happen as well. So now i question if a D/s relationship is truly healthy for me. When we as submissives give completely of ourselves...is it possible to keep who we are as people?  I don't want to flame people but i do have to question can a D/s or M/s relationship be healthy?  I always wanted the power exchange..needed it and craved it. Now im just not sure. Any insights would be appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 6:35:07 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justatoy2
but i do have to question can a D/s or M/s relationship be healthy?


Short answer.... yes

For 'a' longer answer, I think it maybe more useful to you if I have my girl post to this thread later in her own words.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 6:44:55 AM   
tangldupinblue


Posts: 230
Joined: 3/20/2006
Status: offline 		it sounds to me like you have just left a long realationship and i think everyone questions if their is such a thing as a healthy one at the end , we as submissives have the added question of if a D/s M/s realationship is possible.
yes i think it is, but just like anything else give yourself some time to go back over the things you learned about yourself, him, your realationship and what you need and expect from not just your Top but from your partner.
i belive that everyone has a person out there who just gets "it". be patient, spend some time in the sunshine.

blue




_____________________________

Those who deserve punshiment, take it calmly.

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 6:53:04 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justatoy2
When we as submissives give completely of ourselves...is it possible to keep who we are as people?  I don't want to flame people but i do have to question can a D/s or M/s relationship be healthy?  I always wanted the power exchange..needed it and craved it. Now im just not sure. Any insights would be appreciated.

You're asking very different questions here.

If this is who you are and what you are fulfilled by, then being in the RIGHT relationships for you will allow you to BE more of yourself, not lose yourself.

However, if this is NOT who you are and NOT how you are fulfilled, then being in this sort of relationship WILL make you lose yourself.

Whether you are simply burned out, tired, going through a growth phase, redefining what Ms means to you or not...no one can know but you.

Unfortunately many people come into Ds thinking that since the "roles" are so well defined that once they found their slot, that they no longer need to thinka bout "who they are" or how they will fit into relationships.  Combined with the idea so many subs get about needing to always be selfless, it's no wonder that they end up confused and lost in the end.

Sadly simply identifying as "a slave" doesn't really help anyone with understanding who they are, how they are fulfilled and what relationships will work for them.  It doesn't even really help know how to be in any specific relationship.  Those are all things that are learned over time, through trial and error, and, even worse (!), will have to go through a few times in a persons life.

Are there Ms relationships that are healthy?  Absolutely.  But only if they are right for those involved.  Is Ms right for you right now?  Only you can say.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_373256/mpage_1/key_losing%252Cself/tm.htm#373256
finding myself again?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_136897/mpage_1/key_losing%252Cself/tm.htm#136897
getting back to square one

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 6:56:49 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		justatoy2
i think that the only one that can answer is this type of relationship healthy for you, is you. only you know your own heart and mind on the matter.  you stated that you have been in the lifestyle for many years, so i would assume that there is something in the lifestyle that attracted you and kept you in it.
is the D/s M/s lifestyle healthy??  i have to assume for others that they get satisfaction and fulfillment from it or else they would not be in it, but we all know where assumptions get us, lol.
for myself, i have always been of a submissive, passive, non-confrontational nature.  i have the belief that this had led me down quite a few wrong roads and through 2 abusive marriages.  Abusers find submissives very easy to manipulate and take advantage of, maybe this is one aspect of the l/s that is not healthy as it sets some up as targets for those that would take advantage of their nature.
i have been in the lifestyle just over two years now.  in doing vast research on the lifestyle, and making sure that i was not walking into abuse with my eyes open, i felt that a "submissive" was what i have been all along without having the proper name to go with it.
i was very fortunate to meet an amazing Dom.  Even if He was vanilla i would still think of Him as the most amazing man i have ever met.
In O/our relationship, i have never lost who i am or what i desire to be for Him or to Him.
He takes who i am and gives me encouragement to strive to do things i've always wanted, in a safe environment.  i feel loved, valued, appreciated and nurtured in all ways.
i have discovered that i can truly be myself with Him, with no fears of abuse or neglect that i had encountered in my vanilla relationships.
He is always concerned with my mental, physical and emotional well being making sure that i do not lose myself.  Communication on all aspects of O/our relationship is always being discussed and examined by U/us along with where W/we would like to progress to in O/our future.
i feel the safety of his love and protection over me and the encouragement to strive to new experiences.
Is the D/s relationship healthy for me??  Yes Yes Yes.
i feel that i am where i want to be in my life, in my relationship and have never been happier or felt as complete as i do right now.
i hope this helps you, although, as i state in many of my posts, this is only my opinion.
aintbehavin

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 7:18:32 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
If this is who you are and what you are fulfilled by, then being in the RIGHT relationships for you will allow you to BE more of yourself, not lose yourself.



I couldn't agree more with this.  Being trained/molded/evolved to conform to someone else's liking can be a good thing, if his liking is who you are in the first place.  I always contend that a healthy relationship will help bring one's essence out.  Losing yourself happens when your inner core or essence is squelched, or put away somewhere. 

To the OP, it is natural and healthy to be reflective right now..  Hopefully in your introspection you will find the answers you are looking for  I'm sorry for your pain and wish you well.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 7:24:30 AM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		thank you for your replies so far. I have been involved in all sorts of D/s relationships this was the first one where i felt i totally lost myself and lost who i was. So i suppose that is what is making me question. But i truly appreciate all of your insights so far. I suppose i just needed a sounding board, so to speak.

(in reply to LL1aintbehavin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 8:17:45 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Im a sub and this is ask a master, but I wanted to say I think it is very normal to question how healthy a certain relationship style is once you are no longer in that relationship. I asked myself similar questions a few months ago. I came to the conclusion that it wasnt D/s that was unhealthy IMO, it was the relationship with that particular dominant. Only you have the right answers to what is right for you. I would not judge it as unhealthy for everyone based on my experiences no matter what, but that is just me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 8:31:24 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Toy,

I got one word for you, "boundaries"...you need to learn how to set them in a constructive way, enforce them both for yourself and communicate them clearly to others.

It is a skill I have trouble with and it appears you may have similar trouble.

To ME, I look for a strong intelligent woman who knows who and what she is.  Together, we build a D/s relationship that works for both of us.  I know it is a cliche but I like D/s to dance.  I can't stand straight up if my partner is short, I also have to take smaller steps.  If my partner doesn't sense my moves, I have to make more overt signals.  If she is light I can do things I couldn't if she was heavier.  It all makes for a beautiful dance, IF you work together.  Doesn't mean I am not leading and she isn't following, but I can't swing a big girl like I could a small one, my posture has to match their height.

I have a submissive who I greatly enjoy playing with who has vastly more experience than I do.  She walks with a walker and I have to accommodate that.  WE work together and the connection we thus share is so clear I am often complimented on it.  I have also played with twenty something hardbodies and while what we do is different, the goal of working together is still there.  There are things I can't do or wont' do with them because I lack the level of trust I have in their experience and their reactions.  None is "better" than the other, I simply take the clay I am handed and together we create something beautiful with my hand as the ultimate guide.

Anyway, back to boundaries, those are the hard edges to what you can be molded/danced into.  You can't communicate them if you don't know them.  You have to learn the difference between comprimising your core and working together to create a beautiful comprimise/dance.  That "working together" can happen if the only way you are allowed is once a month journal writing or a constant equal dialog. 

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 10:39:58 AM   
pinkee


Posts: 487
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justatoy2

I have been thinking about this for weeks now. I have been in the lifestyle for many years. I always thought i knew what i was and what i wanted. Im comming here after seriously questioning some things  about myself. I recently ended the relationship with my Dom.  The relationship wasn't working, and i finally had the strength to say that. I had allowed myself to get lost in this relationship. I allowed myself to do things that were completely against what i thought was right. He allowed it to happen as well. So now i question if a D/s relationship is truly healthy for me. When we as submissives give completely of ourselves...is it possible to keep who we are as people?  I don't want to flame people but i do have to question can a D/s or M/s relationship be healthy?  I always wanted the power exchange..needed it and craved it. Now im just not sure. Any insights would be appreciated.


just, if your Dom had you doing things contrary to your moral code either (1) the two of Y/you were a bad match or (2) He was a HNG.
 
Your moral code is as much a part of who you are as your submissive nature.
 
IMHO, a D/s or M/s relationship can be very beneficicial to both (or all) parties.
 
pinkee

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 10:43:22 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkee
just, if your Dom had you doing things contrary to your moral code either (1) the two of Y/you were a bad match or (2) He was a HNG.

Couldn't she be the HNG? 

Sheesh so quick to jump to the dom being the dork here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pinkee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/8/2006 4:25:06 PM   
spoilt26981


Posts: 91
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: London UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justatoy2
So now i question if a D/s relationship is truly healthy for me.


you are the only person that can truly answer this part of your question as only you can know your heart wants and needs.

quote:

 When we as submissives give completely of ourselves...is it possible to keep who we are as people?

This part of your question is a question i used to ask myself a lot having meet Masters that claimed to have liked me because i had a mind and an opinon but knew when to voice it and when not, to only have them  require me to forget who  i was and to become in effect a shell.....but having met my Master (RavenMuse) i can safely say that you can completely give yourself to a Master and still stay yourself, my Master not only likes the fact i have a mind and an opinon allows me to use it ( with out being rude of course) He enjoys being able to sit and discuss things with me without my answers always being "yes or no Master"

quote:

I don't want to flame people but i do have to question can a D/s or M/s relationship be healthy?

A D/s or M/s reletionship can indeed be healthy, if both people in the reletionship trust each other and are able to talk things though. i have always found that being completely honest with my Master has lead to a healthier reletionship as my Master is not a minder reader and therefore if i do not tell him there is a problem, ok he might pick up that yes ok there is something wrong, but unless i tell him what he can not help to ease my mind or help to put it right. So yes a D/s or M/s reletionship can be health, commucation with in the reltionship will keep it health and allow it to grow, if your Master says that one of things he likes about you is your mind then you not be ashamed to talk to him a Master worth of you respect will listen to you he might not agree or give you the answer you were hoping for but he will listen.

Take time to go back over your reletionship and work out where it is you started to lose yourself and see if there was anything you could have done to stop it and then just learn from it.

good luck
helen

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/9/2006 12:12:14 AM   
NJSubGirl


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		im just wondering what you did that was so against what you thought was right? And whatever it was, did you do it just to please him? (im guessing thats the answer)... correct me if im wrong :)
sincerly
Michelle

(in reply to spoilt26981)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/9/2006 8:14:14 AM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		thanks to those who replied. I have always been a strong independent woman. So for me to have let this happen bothers me. I appreciate what all of you have said and its important for me to remember that just because this relationship was bad, doesn't mean that the basis of a D/s relationship is bad. It might however just not be for me. That is something i need to figure out for myself. So again thanks to everyone.

(in reply to NJSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: questioning my submissivness. - 6/11/2006 6:42:49 AM   
LordAmra


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I think oceania has the right angle.

A relationship should allways maintain who you are, and not attempt to change you into something your are not and do not want to be. As soon as things start going that way, and I know it is sometimes extremly hard to find that point, something is wrong, and you need to take a step back.

I am sure you'll find that you can still be strong and independant and be submissive, without losing who you are.

(in reply to justatoy2)
Profile   Post #: 15
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