RE: When do you settle?

RE: When do you settle? (Full Version)

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SassySarijane -> RE: When do you settle? (7/11/2012 4:48:41 PM)
I don't see that as settling.

chatterbox24 -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 5:03:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 Hmm.. This question is close to home. I've often thought if I just stopped breaking up with people I could find away to care for them eventualy... But how long do you string a girl along that you have no feelings for? I went through a time when I thought my biologic clock was ticking and seeing all my friends getting married and having kids just added to it, at that time I picked a girl that was tiny with massive boobs and was as submissive as they come and just set about making her fall in love with me, I thought I could make the feelings grow in me if I tried. Turns out no. I lied and acted all out of selfish hope for my own feelings. Im ashamed and I felt like a monster telling her in the end. Maybe I am a bit of a monster... I've been in love before, I just don't know why it's so hard now. Settleing isn't something I can do... And Im so tired of causing pain, that's why Im on a break from relationships. Hopfully I get myself sorted out. Most subs/slaves want to be loved by their Doms dont they? would any of you want to stay knowing when your partner looked at you, he felt nothing besides sorry that there was nothing... -ARIES Very honest post, nice to see someone bare their soul especially for the board to critique!!!lol. I was actually on the other side of the spectrum in what you talked about. I required love, and affection, and the connection was just not enough. Denial of love and affection became a deal breaker. Thats serious settling in my book. So even though I was very much crazy in love and still am, had a phenomenal connection, it needed to end. He didnt feel the same. He wanted his definition of Master/slave, and I wanted my definition of Master/slave/lover.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 5:18:44 AM)
Using FR: It's fairly easy when you are feeling needy and alone to jump into a relationship that is totally wrong for you. I've done it, and I've paid the price for it, which was being with the wrong person and now having to extricate myself. Which at times is not so easy. I would have left my ex husband much sooner if we did not have children together. I learned through that relationship a very important lesson, which is that it is far better to be alone then to be with someone who makes you miserable (even if you do have hot monkey sex). And like Greedy, I lied to myself about that relationship -- for YEARS. When I was younger I had what I would consider interim relationships with people I just wanted to have sex with. I don't consider that settling, as I was honest with them about what I wanted from the relationship. Some people can have fuck buddies or friends with benefits and be good with it. Others can't. To each their own. These days I don't look for sexual relationships, I look for friendships. I do not expect one person to fulfill all of my sexual, emotional, and friendship needs. That is just silly. That is to me putting such a huge burden on the person. Thinking you can find a person to do it all, or expecting your partner to do it all, makes for no relationship or poor relationships, JMO.

DeviantlyD -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 5:21:36 AM)
How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 5:51:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him? You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do.

pyschosubmission -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 6:19:16 AM)
Surely this, as with so many other aspects of a relationship, is no different in the kinky world from the vanilla world. If there is not mutual respect, then really there is no relationship

JstAnotherSub -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 6:30:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop quote: Most subs/slaves want to be loved by their Doms dont they? would any of you want to stay knowing when your partner looked at you, he felt nothing besides sorry that there was nothing... this is brilliant, IMO.\ it goes both ways. agreed 100%

chatterbox24 -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 7:50:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him? You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do. One aspect of Our relationship was exceptional, almost psychic type connection. And thats why I said "phenomenal" But other things were so out of wack, it couldnt make up for the lack. Phenomenal connection but not phenomenal relationship.

angelikaJ -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 9:31:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him? You don't. You lie to yourself and fantasize that you do. One aspect of Our relationship was exceptional, almost psychic type connection. And thats why I said "phenomenal" But other things were so out of wack, it couldnt make up for the lack. Phenomenal connection but not phenomenal relationship. That almost psychic connection that felt mystical and perhaps even mythic? It was just that: mythic. My experience is that that aspect did not exist: particularly since your then dom behaved in dishonorable ways. It was just a very clever manipulative skill that made it seem that way. Learning how to be less star struck will help you avoid falling for it in the future.

Kana -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 10:11:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 IM always curious about the way people think about relationships what they settle for, what they dont, what their deal breakers are. In a relationship if you had it all but one major thing was missing, what would that one major thing be that would end it all? Rorschach: Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon

Missokyst -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 12:20:43 PM)
Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest. quote: ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 12:34:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest. quote: ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me. People do it all the time!! I think people fear being alone more than they fear dying. If you have either fear. If you have that desire for children, to "settle down" and do all that proper grown up stuff, then you just do it.

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 1:57:14 PM)
~FR~ Way back as recently as when I was a thirty-something 'nilla girl I settled. No more. Just can't do it. Being single and lonely is not near as bad as being in a bad relationship and lonely. I've experienced both. Right now, though, I'm relatively happy even though I have no actually romantic partner. One needs to develop the ability to be happy alone before they can expect to be happy with someone else. At least that's my way of looking at things. I can't expect someone else to make me happy, I need to do that part myself. NBMG

LaTigresse -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 2:37:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Ugh... that's how I view "settling" But YUCK.. people do that? That is kind of pitiful to me, and something I have never done. All the men who have been in my life for a chunk of time were there because I enjoyed spending time with them, maybe more than I enjoy being on my own. It is difficult for me to envision anyone being with someone just because they show a modicum of interest. quote: ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl I look at settling as saying "Well he's better than nothing" and knowing he's all wrong for me. People do it all the time!! I think people fear being alone more than they fear dying. If you have either fear. If you have that desire for children, to "settle down" and do all that proper grown up stuff, then you just do it. Christ on a stick.......I would much MUCH rather be alone than spending time with a person whom I didn't enjoy tremendously. Then again, I am a rather weird, hermity person.

NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 3:04:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Christ on a stick.......I would much MUCH rather be alone than spending time with a person whom I didn't enjoy tremendously. . I so absolutely agree!!

RaspberryLemon -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 3:50:33 PM)
When do I settle? I don't. Never have, never will. Simple as that. We have to be completely compatible. He has to be exceptional, remarkable, and I have to be someone he views that way as well. Why would I commit to anything other than what is right for me? This says it about right: quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX Either that person is gonna shine like no sun ever did, or Im not touching it. Also, quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 THats the thing about settling, it rears its ugly head at some point, you can only bury it so long. No, no it doesn't. That's very cynical and presumptuous of you. Just because you (and others) have had bad experiences with settling or made choices you regret on the subject, doesn't mean everyone will have those same bad experiences or make the same regretful choices. It's not some dreadful inevitability that just is. It's a choice.

Salinedion -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 6:14:33 PM)
In my life, settling has meant that I knew going in I was going to be unhappy (and then told myself a story about it). I've certainly looked the other way on a lot of flaws in partners, was good with that, and made a decent union for a time. It's the self-imposed delusion aspect that kills you dead in settling. As to the big no-settle deal breaker, I put it all on pheromones, animal attraction, or whatever they're calling it today. When I have not felt it and settled in with an otherwise nice person, I have always gotten the complete hosing that I deserved. Whenever I pursued anyone past their declaration of no chemistry -well, ditto.

Baroana -> RE: When do you settle? (7/12/2012 6:19:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Salinedion When I have not felt it and settled in with an otherwise nice person, I have always gotten the complete hosing that I deserved. Whenever I pursued anyone past their declaration of no chemistry -well, ditto. I think I need to paint this in large letters on my living room wall.

LadyPact -> RE: When do you settle? (7/13/2012 12:39:03 PM)
Using fast reply on the title alone. I'll let you know when I actually do settle. Until then, I've got nothing.

hlen5 -> RE: When do you settle? (7/13/2012 2:24:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub Shit, I guess I have always settled, because I have yet to land Sam Elliot. I honestly think we all settle in some way or another. Personally I know of no one who has ever met the person they call their prefect match. I just want someone who makes my life better than it is alone. Until I find that, alone is just fine. Sam Eliiot as a Dom! My oh my! Settling sucks big time for the fact that you are lying to yourself, you know and you do it anyway. When it's over, you have only yourself to blame for your own misery.

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