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Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 3:11:55 PM   
DQuixote


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline 		As one of life’s incessant ‘lurkers’ I’ve always had a knack for observing the more subtle interactions of those around me. Most Doms (in my experience) have a natural ability to quietly examine and study the unspoken language of those around them, particularly of strangers.

At first I tended to think of the world as mostly vanilla, but as I’ve gained more experience and insight I’ve noticed Power Exchange behavior in almost everybody I meet. Almost all of them – from that quiet secretary down the hall to the cocky salesman at the video store – eventually let slip some unspoken signal that their personality is either predominantly submissive or dominant. And, not surprisingly, quite often the façade is the exact opposite of their true inner self. Not to imply they all have a secret fetish lifestyle, but rather that their D/s personalities seem to be just below the oh-so-proper vanilla mask.

This had made me wonder:
- Am I imagining things? Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?
- Have other Doms had the same experience? Within my own community this seems to be the case, but I’d like to hear from a broader group.
- How common is the Outer Mask vs. Inner Truth contradiction that I’m observing?

Regards
DQ
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 3:34:09 PM   
HollyS


Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DQuixote
Most Doms (in my experience) have a natural ability to quietly examine and study the unspoken language of those around them, particularly of strangers.


It's my experience that many people have this ability, whether innately or learned.  Maybe I just know a lot of people...

quote:

At first I tended to think of the world as mostly vanilla, but as I’ve gained more experience and insight I’ve noticed Power Exchange behavior in almost everybody I meet. Almost all of them... is either predominantly submissive or dominant.


I think what you're noticing is the power differential that exists in all areas of life.  Most people have times when they are "dominant" and others when they are "submissive" in terms of behavior and the workplace is a prime place to see it.  I would, however, caution you not to draw any conclusions from what you see publicly.  That cocky salesman could be a completly cuckolded husband while the "quiet secretary" could have a boi at home.  People behave differently depending on the environment and the expectations of their position in that space. 

quote:

Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?


I think you're trying to understand the power dynamic that runs through all interactions in our culture. In doing so, it sounds like you're trying to fit those dynamics into a D/s framework. Not such a bad thing, but understand that "vanilla" relationships have power inherent in them as well. 

~Holly

_____________________________

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 4:15:33 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		fast reply,

I started to observe these things when I first discovered D/s, but I also realized on first glance people would think me a dominant sort. I walk and move with confidence (some would even think I move with arrogance at times), I am direct with people... I appear forthwright. I am very dogged and determined in life. I am also extremely submissive to the man in my life and always have been even when I was vanilla. My body language changes towards him slightly in public, and most definitely in private... so I think it would be hard to tell by looking at someone in vanilla activities what they were.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/8/2006 4:16:22 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to HollyS)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 5:28:54 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		When I've noticed a particular dynamic in a couple, it may be apparent that there is a definite dominant/submissive thing going on, but I don't necessarily equate that with "Dom/me and sub".  I think the world is naturally made up of dominant and submissive personalities, but there isn't a direct correlation to a D/s lifestyle.  In my opinion, to move beyond the vanilla category one needs to take a step further into less mainstream role.  I can take on a dominant role in vanilla life, but the thing that brings me into the D/s lifestyle realm is when I incorporate BDSM.  I've always considered myself confident and assertive in my vanilla life, but being a Domme in the lifestyle means I am actively participating in activities that are not necessarily considered mainstream and that are, dare I say, kinky. 
 
Be well,
Julie
 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 5:33:38 PM   
pinkee


Posts: 487
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DQuixote

As one of life’s incessant ‘lurkers’ I’ve always had a knack for observing the more subtle interactions of those around me. Most Doms (in my experience) have a natural ability to quietly examine and study the unspoken language of those around them, particularly of strangers.

At first I tended to think of the world as mostly vanilla, but as I’ve gained more experience and insight I’ve noticed Power Exchange behavior in almost everybody I meet. Almost all of them – from that quiet secretary down the hall to the cocky salesman at the video store – eventually let slip some unspoken signal that their personality is either predominantly submissive or dominant. And, not surprisingly, quite often the façade is the exact opposite of their true inner self. Not to imply they all have a secret fetish lifestyle, but rather that their D/s personalities seem to be just below the oh-so-proper vanilla mask.

This had made me wonder:
- Am I imagining things? Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?
- Have other Doms had the same experience? Within my own community this seems to be the case, but I’d like to hear from a broader group.
- How common is the Outer Mask vs. Inner Truth contradiction that I’m observing?

Regards
DQ


i believe You.  i myself knew some truely Dominant Men in r/l whilst vanilla who i would bet $5 have never heard  of D/s.
 
i have noticed a particularly high level of empathy/intuition. etc. amoung real Doms and Master. i now use it as "cue".
 
i cannot answer Your third question; i do not think i possess "kink radar".
 
pinkee

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 7:09:59 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

This had made me wonder:
- Am I imagining things?
  
Yes.  But we all imagine a degree of our kink in vanilla people at some time.
quote:

Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?
 
yes, but no harm, no foul, I say.
quote:

Have other Doms had the same experience?
   
yes. I surely have.
quote:

Within my own community this seems to be the case, but I’d like to hear from a broader group. - How common is the Outer Mask vs. Inner Truth contradiction that I’m observing?


very common; everyone, Dom or sub, has an outer persona that either conciously or accidentally is something they aren't inside.

More seriously:   I don't know if its chicken or egg, in that  I don't know if I'm naturally intuitive to power issues and therefore recognized My Dominance and explored it, or if My being a Dominant has made Me more intuitive, but I know that I am.  And yes, I "see" power exchange issues watching ostensibly vanilla people all the time. 

I've become especially attuned to power issues in my work.  I am a lawyer, and of course, people always assume that what we do is power related.  A great deal of it is, but not all of it.  What I've noticed is how effective certain D/s techniques can be in negotiations and argument.  No, I'm not talking about being proficient with a flogger (although I can think of a few opposing counsel I'd like to throw up on a St. Andrew's and have a 15 minute "conference" with -- but I digress).  Listening carefully...watching body language.  Allowing a person to finish -- and sometimes overstate -- their thoughts are all techniques I think I first learned as a young Dominant, and all serve Me well in what I do.  Letting people talk to you is a rare thing in the business world -- they will often tell you exactly what you need to know to be effective (and sometimes, if you don't rush to fill the silences, they'll tell you things they didn't want to tell you!)   No, you don't have to be Dominant, or into D/s, to do these things, but I know I came to them through learning about my "kink".  Frankly, before I explored my Dom side, I probably was just another young asshole practicing law.  Now...I hope I'm not just another old ass....well, you get the picture.

E.




_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 7:28:04 PM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		I think your right in one sense, some of us leave clues of our private life.

You may not be imagining what your noticing but you may be miss reading or wishful thinking .
or
you need to stop smoking that funny smelling cigerette
or
you need to send me some of that high powered Koolaid

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 7:46:08 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have one example of what you are talking about I think...

It was my last semester in college and one of my fav professors put me "In Charge" of this test he was running on the class, and since I was "In Charge" I was given a badge that looked like a police badge.. he even said "She is my cop" to the class.... Several of the male students asked me to arrest them, cuff them, etc when I passed out materials for this test the professor was running. I had just discovered my submssive nature.. so I was acutely aware of what they were saying, and I was amazed at the looks on these male students faces... I swear they were submissive men...lol.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/8/2006 8:04:46 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DQuixote

As one of life’s incessant ‘lurkers’ I’ve always had a knack for observing the more subtle interactions of those around me. Most Doms (in my experience) have a natural ability to quietly examine and study the unspoken language of those around them, particularly of strangers.

At first I tended to think of the world as mostly vanilla, but as I’ve gained more experience and insight I’ve noticed Power Exchange behavior in almost everybody I meet. Almost all of them – from that quiet secretary down the hall to the cocky salesman at the video store – eventually let slip some unspoken signal that their personality is either predominantly submissive or dominant. And, not surprisingly, quite often the façade is the exact opposite of their true inner self. Not to imply they all have a secret fetish lifestyle, but rather that their D/s personalities seem to be just below the oh-so-proper vanilla mask.

This had made me wonder:
- Am I imagining things? Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?
- Have other Doms had the same experience? Within my own community this seems to be the case, but I’d like to hear from a broader group.
- How common is the Outer Mask vs. Inner Truth contradiction that I’m observing?

Regards
DQ


I think what you're recognizing is that many people are dominant.  Many are submissive.  It has nothing to do with D/s as we recognize it, as often *they* don't recognize and/or realize it.  So while some of them may very well be into D/s, just as many or more are perfectly vanilla.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Kinky Radar. - 6/9/2006 6:55:24 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DQuixote
- Am I imagining things? Am I in danger of putting labels on perfectly vanilla people because of my own views?

Yes you are.  That doesn't mean you aren't wrong some of the time.

But it's dangerous to make a judgement based on someones personality or behavior.  If you're using your inner intuition or "overall sense" then you're more likely to be right.

Just like I can tell within a few seconds whether a person is from the NYC scene or the DC scene with a pretty high level of accuracy.  It's a sense you get about them.
quote:


- Have other Doms had the same experience? Within my own community this seems to be the case, but I’d like to hear from a broader group.

You ever hear of "gaydar"?  Having a sense of other people in the same culture as you is a universal experience.  People in Europe can spot Americans very quickly and easily.
quote:


- How common is the Outer Mask vs. Inner Truth contradiction that I’m observing?

What contradiction?  I am a dominant personality and a slave orientation.  Those aren't opposites or contadictions, they are all just aspects of who I am as a whole.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DQuixote)
Profile   Post #: 10
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