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stellauk -> RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl (7/14/2012 1:02:27 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Cipher15
So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues.
Are you sure this is a back story, or a disclaimer? Is this not 'Oh poor me, people have been bad to me in all my previous relationships so this gives me an excuse not to behave perhaps as I should in my new relationships and to be cagey about taking on responsibility as well.'
Is this what you are trying to say? Ever thought about walking round with 'VICTIM' on a big sign?
Oh please don't get me wrong here.. it's human to have issues and it's also human to have trust issues after a series of relationships. Let's face it there's a lot of people out there with trust issues and stuff from previous relationships. But if what happened in your previous relationship influences heavily what you are doing in your next relationship then maybe you need to cool it about moving on and stop and think about this a bit more.
I mean you say 'screwed over'. Which means? Did someone batter you? Abuse you? Rape you? Take you for every last dime? Or did they cheat on you? What do you mean by 'screwed over'?
Oh and how come it's 'almost all' your relationships? What is this? Is this karma because you were Genghis Khan or Joseph Stalin in a previous life? Why do you think people consistently screw you over?
Three things, okay?
ONE - You are responsible, responsible for everything you say, everything you do, everything you think, and have been ever since you were born. You have control of your mind, you make the decisions, you say the words, you act, and all this together is what defines your life.
TWO - You always have a choice. Making choices, and decisions, and acting upon them, this is what determines your course not only through life, but also through relationships. You might not always have the ideal choice there in front of you, but no matter where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with, there will always be a choice.
THREE - Relationships occur in cycles. If you find that your relationships are developing consistently along a similar pattern, or you're having relationships with similar people, and the same things happen, then maybe you need to stop and think about what it is about the way you communicate or behave in a relationship, or the way you think, which is causing the cycle to complete and repeat itself.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cipher15
I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive.
I guess my question here is are you actually a Dominant or not?
This is not a theatre, we are not like professional actors, Dominant, submissive or switch aren't roles you can pick up and drop willy nilly, or play or even perform. This isn't usually something we do to spice up a relationship, but something we do because it is who we are as people.
When you look deep inside yourself, and go back over the years, what and who do you see?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cipher15
It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.
And you think this is being a Dominant? Or have I missed something here?
Perhaps you can explain to me the sense in this strategy of 'getting pissed' and then 'backing off' so as to upset someone. or dumping them. Does it work? Is it bringing the desired results?
Have you ever thought about doing the simple thing, which many adults do, you know? Sit down, talk, listen, try to understand and try to seek out some sort of understanding or compromise? I guess this comes back to choice, doesn't it? The opportunities for understanding and compromise are always there, if you're prepared to make the effort.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cipher15
Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.
Now like others have already posted it's down to you what you do in this situation (choices, remember?) but I'd pay attention to that part I bolded.
Think about this. Now it's not just the fact that she's put her own desires and that of another girl before your feelings and wishes, but - see the explanation - she's also put a bottle of alcohol before them too.
Things to me don't just 'kinda happen', they happen because people make them happen (decisions and choices again, isn't it?) but this 'just kinda happened' because she was drunk. Is that the sort of person you want to be with in a relationship? Someone who loses self-control and all sense of responsibility when they drink?
Think about it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cipher15
So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?
I think to be honest before you give anyone else a chance you need to start with yourself and giving you a chance.
It's okay to have baggage from the past in your life, but if you do, you owe it to yourself to make sure that you can find the handle and make sure you can carry it first before trying to drag it through life and bring it into another relationship.
I think you need to look within a bit more and do a bit more exploring and discovery within yourself so that you can work things out so that nobody else 'screws you over' in a relationship.
I think that if you are seriously looking at being in a fulfilling relationship as a Dominant you need to start taking control of things in your own life, learning the answers, and getting used to making the choices and decisions which give you that control first, before you start with anyone else.
Just my take on it.
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