RE: Some advice would go along way.

RE: Some advice would go along way. (Full Version)

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ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 7:38:34 AM)
Sorry DS, last ditch attempts to salvage a relationship that involve punishment are ALWAYS going to fail, and can easily lead to a police report (or worse). In this instance, the girl has not accepted him as her dom, what makes you think that will change if he whips out a paddle? Sure, you can force submission out of just about anyone, but it's temporary at best. Actual submission is inspired, actual dominance is not something you can get from reading, and this couple doesn't have a Eskimo's chance in the Sahara of accomplishing a healthy dynamic. To no one's surprise, I stand by my take on this one.

DesFIP -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 7:40:22 AM)
You don't have to be dominant or even her dominant. Some people are fine with their partners having another partner who does things to fulfill them which they can't do. However, lying about it, and cheating on you isn't how to make this work. She feels because she hasn't had real time sex with this guy that it isn't cheating. But she doesn't get to define how you feel. If you feel this is cheating, then it is. More importantly, if she really believed it wasn't cheating, she would have told you about it 18 months ago in exactly the same way she would say she's going to play tennis with someone else instead. Can you trust her to stop cheating and be honest? Will she go to couples counseling and learn healthier ways to communicate? Will you ever be able to forgive her? Relationships can survive affairs if honest communication and better relationship skills are learned and if both people really want to overcome it. She needs to be totally transparent meaning you can demand to know who she's talking to, what she says, you get passwords to her emails, etc. If she isn't willing to do that, it means she plans to still lie to you in the future and not earn back your trust. Honestly, you aren't married, you don't have kids together, there's no reason compelling enough for her to work hard enough to earn trust and respect. I think you would do better to find someone who is honest and who thinks you are wonderful just as you are. You deserve better than this, go get it.

sexyred1 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 7:46:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 7:54:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant? The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.

Char2688 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 7:59:03 AM)
She played on the Internet with some dumb guy They are not a couple and in the big scale of things this is wrong, but forgivable Forgive Discuss Then use the opportunity to deliver a series of spankings Spank her on Skype with the so called long distance Dom Several sessions, no less than five If the punishment is refused, be patient and hold your ground, Be calm and assertive, do not be a screaming idiot Use this mistake as an opportunity Everything happens for a reason You have three choices Forgive and forget, leaving you both in the same situation that started this mess Forgive and move in a new direction with you in control Or move on

thursdays -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:02:55 AM)
Same here... if I were a lot smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than someone, I doubt I'd find them attractive at all.

sexyred1 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:04:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant? The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable. Same here. I never understood the other view that someone needs to see themselves "less than" unless that is a particular kink.

LadyPact -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:11:54 AM)
This is gonna hurt. She doesn't see you as a Dom because you're trying to play the role for her. After five years, you're trying to be insta-Dom. She doesn't see you as the person in charge and she already has one of those, anyway. It's great that you were trying to change yourself to make her happy, but has it ever occurred to you that there might be somebody out there who wants you just the way you are? That it's ok to be a vanilla guy? Yes, five years is a long time to invest in someone. However, the girl that you're dealing with has done the equivalent to an emotional affair for the last eighteen months. You need to think about that long and hard and decide if you are willing to let someone treat you that way.

JanahX -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:13:20 AM)
In a general sense - those things need to be in place for me to want to be around someone in the long term. I want to LEARN from them - because they know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. That, and I get a general sense that they use logic and have a great deal of common sense. Of course there are going to be areas where Im going to be excelled in a subject/area than they are. I guess what I was trying to convey is that I would never submit to someone who I find considerably clueless. quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant? The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.

sexyred1 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:17:52 AM)
Yes, I would agree with the clueless part. But I still maintain that I can still be submissive and as smart and talented, if not more, than a partner and it can still work. What is ideal for me is being with someone who excels in some areas that I could use help in and me in others that he lacks, and that way we can balance each other.

LadyPact -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:24:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX In a general sense - those things need to be in place for me to want to be around someone in the long term. I want to LEARN from them - because they know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. That, and I get a general sense that they use logic and have a great deal of common sense. Of course there are going to be areas where Im going to be excelled in a subject/area than they are. I guess what I was trying to convey is that I would never submit to someone who I find considerably clueless. quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not. I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant? The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable. Completely off topic, but holy shit! If I had to live up to that, I wouldn't be Dominant over anyone. Sounds like the old intro to the Six Million Dollar Man.... Better, stronger, faster.....

OttersSwim -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:29:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Completely off topic, but holy shit! If I had to live up to that, I wouldn't be Dominant over anyone. Sounds like the old intro to the Six Million Dollar Man.... Better, stronger, faster..... QFT To me, D-Type people are not better than I am, they simply are people living a different role - their own essential self. I give myself over to someone with whom I can be connected to in that dynamic, with whom I feel loved, valued, and cherished. For that, I will give pretty completely of myself. For me, it has nothing to do with either of us being better, stronger, faster, etc.

topcat -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:32:26 AM)
Here's your first assignment in being dominant. (which is situational- a good lesson even if you don't self identify as being a Dominant) Walk away. Don't look back. There are Plenty O Fish in the sea (but don't use that site to find them!), and surprisingly, many of them will not set you up to fail. It's not about D/S, it's about being a Man. You deserve better (anyone does).

JanahX -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:32:47 AM)
Agreed. Which is why as I posted in another thread ( Bita's - Leggo my ego) that in general I make a pretty lousy sub. Im not really up to doing things just because my dominant tells me to. I question EVERYTHING. The balance has to be there at some level - but I do know this about myself - I do tend to seek people that I sense are a bit more knowledgeable about most things than myself. Not actually knowing why, I tend to follow my instinct telling me that there is something about that person I can learn from to perhaps add to myself so I can be a more knowledgeable person and thus navigate and function more productively in the world. Of course that is only one area that makes someone more attractive to me in say comparison, to someone else. I am very attracted to what I would consider brilliant people. Of course that is a subjective term that varies from one person to another. People that I consider clueless- but think that they know whats going on and are "right about everything" I find irritating. And I'll leave their company - actually, much sooner than later. quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Yes, I would agree with the clueless part. But I still maintain that I can still be submissive and as smart and talented, if not more, than a partner and it can still work. What is ideal for me is being with someone who excels in some areas that I could use help in and me in others that he lacks, and that way we can balance each other.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:40:27 AM)
OP, I'm gonna differ from the crowd with my response. I don't think you should dump her. My reason is that I've been in EXACTLY the same situation that she's in. I identify as a submissive. It's a part of who I am. But I can't just submit to just anybody. Certain people have the type of personality and characteristics needed to dominate me. Others don't. I go back and forth between D/s and vanilla relationships. I once had a vanilla girlfriend learn that I was into D/s, so she tried to become my Domme. The problem was that she didn't have a dominant bone in her body. And that's what I think vanilla folks miss sometimes. They think that they can just read a book, and buy a flogger, and suddenly they're ready to be a Dom/Domme. But it just doesn't work that way (at least not for me). While I appreciated my vanilla girlfriend's attempt to be a Domme for me, it didn't work. She seemed silly trying to act like a Domme. And that's probably how you seem to your girlfriend. She's known you for 5 years, and she knows that you're NOT A DOM. Rather than break up with her, you may be able to reach a compromise. Perhaps you guys can maintain your vanilla relationship, but you allow her to have a Dom on the side. If you both agree on the rules of engagement (e.g. no sex with the Dom), then it may work for you. After all, you've been sharing her for the past 5 years anyway. You just didn't know it. She loves you and needs you. But she also needs her Dom. You can't give her what he does. So why make her choose between the two? I hope that perspective helps you to see her side of things. -Roch

JeffBC -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 8:51:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 My reason is that I've been in EXACTLY the same situation that she's in. You carried on an 18 month long affair? Were it not for that, I'd agree with your assessment. It's certainly possible to setup a poly thing. You're correct that only my own sense of dominance rejects the idea that someone else might be dominant over me with Carol. But the whole 18 months of deception thing, then the blame-shifting, then the disrespect. I just can't see it working.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 9:10:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC But the whole 18 months of deception thing, then the blame-shifting, then the disrespect. I just can't see it working. I don't really understand the details of the OP's relationship. Admittedly, I didn't read it very closely. So I'm not sure about the 18 month affair. In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme.

LadyPact -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 9:16:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme. Coitus is not the determination of whether or not something is classified as an affair.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 9:18:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme. Coitus is not the determination of whether or not something is classified as an affair. Yep.

JeffBC -> RE: Some advice would go along way. (7/19/2012 9:25:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme. Did you keep the existence of the Domme a secret? If you did, was that a secret your vanilla partner would have wished to known? If so, then I call it "cheating" and "dishonorable" and those labels have impact on how I would react to the story.

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