|
Ishtarr -> RE: punishments (7/22/2012 10:09:22 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I'm having problems with Ishtarr's punishment being an appropriate punishment. If we got there late because of me, then I'd be missing the movie or have less time to visit. The problem created its own consequence. Unless you were happy not to get there on time, in which case communication about it would seem to be more appropriate.
Yes it did create its own consequences, because in this case it was very important we got there before dark, and we didn't.
However, those are not consequences imposed by him.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I don't know too many long term relationships, defined as around ten years or more, that still use punishments.
And it may go away with us, or it may stay. There is really no telling at this point.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
It seems to be less effective in solving the problems over all. Like Jeff, we're pragmatic. The Man's an engineer also. If he can fix something in five minutes as opposed to a several hour time span, he will.
You've got the wrong impression though. The punishment wasn't meant to fix anything.
Like I said before, there wasn't anything to fix. It was a case of human error on my part that no amount of talking could have fixed.
If there had been anything to fix, the fixing would have been done by talking about it, not by beating me.
After which... he probably still would have beaten me.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And if he wanted someone who was naturally meek and submissive and quiet, wouldn't he have done better to find someone like that from the beginning?
The last thing he wants is somebody who is naturally meek, submissive and quiet.
What he wants is somebody who is strong, willful and defiant and then to be able to take them down a peg to the point where they end up in a headspace where they are meek, submissive and quiet.
Which is BTW exactly what I want from a man: somebody who loves my spirit, but who has no qualms, fears of hesitation to take me down to a completely different headspace every now and then.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Or to simply institute a daily maintenance beating without all the negative emotions attached to it?
That wouldn't work. My head doesn't work that way. I don't like pain (go figure that...) so being beaten like that on a schedule instead of for a specific reason (which may just be his enjoyment) makes me annoyed, if not resentful and angry, not at all submissive and meek.
I need a certain mental dynamic paired with the beating for me to go to the headspace both him and I want me to go. Maintenance beatings don't work for me.
The main reason for that is that what I'm looking for in this type of beating is fear. Fear is erotically stimulating to me, so what I want is that fear response to be linked to certain actions (displeasing him), so that it triggers an erotic response throughout the day.
To achieve that goal, the consequences must be avoidable to me (by not fucking up) but still high risk enough that it will happen with a certain frequency (at least about one big one a week, several small ones throughout the week) but not so high risk that it happens more often than either he or I can keep up with.
Regularly scheduled maintenance beatings don't accomplish that goal, because they aren't avoidable, and therefore don't trigger an erotic response linked to my actions throughout the day. It wouldn't matter what I did, I'd get beaten regardless, and therefore what I'm doing bears no relationship to the fear that eroticizes obedience to me.
Instead, they register as being unfair. Which puts me in a resentful headspace towards him... which is not something either of us think is a good goal.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
It just doesn't seem to be the best solution to the problem.
That's because it's not intended to be a solution to any problem... because there wasn't a problem to begin with.
Now let me make another thing clear:
We've been together now for 2 years. Most of that time (about the first year and a half) our relationship was vanilla with a little bit of soft core kink play mixed in. The reason for that was that we both still had too much baggage from other relationship to sort out to start playing with the kind of head spaces and mindfucks we like to play.
Even now, that we have started to explore our deepest and darkest fantasies together, he is still my husband above all else.
He's not my Dom, not my Master and he doesn't own me (though all of that might be seen differently by people with different labels than we have).
If I call it quits tomorrow, we go back to just being married. If he calls it quits tomorrow, the same thing would happen. Our relationship isn't based on this, we have a strong, loving, giving core together that is completely out of the influence of M/s, D/s, kink or BDSM. The BDSM (including that beating) is just the cherry on top for us.
I'm not being forced into an unhealthy/co-dependend dynamic because I feel like there is something at stake for me if I don't obey. If I don't want this, it doesn't happen.
But I do want this. Very much so.
I'm fine guys... thanks for your concern, but it's really unnecessary, if not kind of bewildering to find on a BDSM site...
|
|
|
|
