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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/28/2012 8:52:34 PM   
Boss4u


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		This book has changed my relationship with my wife 100%. She read the second book twice and I thik she is rereading parts again in the other two books.
My wife used to tolerate my interest in BDSM, but usually would only play a dominant role on rare occasion and it was BDSM lite.

Now she wants to experiment and has been very submissive. Asking me about things and wanting to try other things. She recieved nipple clamps for the first time this weekend and loves to be flogged. Last night when we retrurned home from dinner with friends, she informed me that she did not have on underware. Now where did she this idea?? 50 shades!!!

We have had sex more in the past month than we have in 10 years. Two weeks of vacation with play every day.

And yes, I am encouraging her to switch, so she gets a feeling for both roles. I believe that Dominants need to play a sub role on occasion to understand the submissive better.
The dust has not settled and I do not know what role my wife will settle on.
But, in the meantime, our relationship is stronger. We are having great sex. And I am indiferant as to what role I play. I just enjoy BDSM and kinky sex.

So why is this book so bad. I think it has raised some curiosity about BDSM.
Yes, I do agree about the potential of wanna be BDSM, etc.
I am so glad my wife is talking to me about it first.

I think this book will help a lot of couples and also make vanilla woman not feel like whores if they partake in BDSM

(in reply to kitkat105)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/29/2012 6:44:33 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Didn't seem to do your wife much good, your profile still doesn't mention that you are married but you are still looking for a "discret relationship with female sub that I can train".

You joined the site in 2005 and in all that time you couldn't convince your wife (or was there another reason for your search for a discrete sub) and her reading a book changed your relationship 100% - in case I buy your glowing endorsement (which I still think is a bit rooted in wishful thinking), it doesn't bode well for your relationship because you're obviously not communicating well.



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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/29/2012 5:15:58 PM   
kalikshama


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/30/2012 11:57:07 AM   
Boss4u


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		Dear Lady Constance and others.
Thank you for taking the time to view my profile. I am honored that you did and admire you for that. In some ways you are correct, however, my wife and I do communicate. She knows of my interest for kink and knows that I frequent a pro-domme on occasion to satisfy my needs.
The male dom profile was to expand my interest and to be honest with you, very few ever responded. And the few who did were also married. I never did meet with any female subs.
So, my wife has known about my interest for kink and had tried in the past to satisfy my needs, but it did not do anything for her.
After reading Fifty Shades, she had become more interested in trying a few things mentioned in the book and of course has discussed it with me.
Now we relize how submissive she is and that trying to get her to Domme me was fruitless. The book has made her interested and made her feel less perverted about the topic. So why do a lot of Mistress's not like this book.?????
I do have to admit that I have not read it yet. I did pick up on the fact that a few of you have mentioned that he is abusive in the book. I would like to know more about that, as abuse to me is a disgusting thing. And I would never want to be that person.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/30/2012 12:18:31 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		The problem I have personally with the book is that it's more of an abusive relationship than BDSM, personally I find it really tame in terms of erotica, as I said in another post, a bit like the bonk busters and bodice rippers where the rebellious woman submits to the superior male, heaving breasts and such trite (elongated in 50 shades), in this time and age it seems a bit like a throw back. Why it's so popular? I think because it's so unrealistic and over the top, and because it's on the bestseller list it's "literature" so women can read it without feeling that they're reading smut, it's just edgy enough to make them feel a bit naughty.

Why most of us dislike it is easy, people read it and think this is BDSM, if it would make people more open about the lifestyle, it would be great but it's actually really badly written and does very little for BDSM.

Seriously, if you've been married for years and you didn't realize that your wife is submissive at heart, you might want to spend more time really communicating with her and reading between the lines. I'm not trying to be bitchy, but you guys must have had a sex life, I mean didn't you ever notice that she was more passionate or seemed to enjoy it more when you took control? That's what I find so puzzling.

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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 6:18:53 AM   
Boss4u


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		Can you expand and explain more about the abuse in the book??

I agree with you as to why the book is so popular and yes the romance makes the BDSM seen not perverted, which is what would have turned off my wife. It has awakened her curiosity and she knows I am familiar with BDSM.
Being on the best seller list, the hype, and media also helped to make this book so popular. Didn't the same thing happen with Harry Potter?????

I have always known my wife was submissive. A long time ago she asked for a spanking and I did not remember that she bruises easy. The next day she was concerned about the color of her butt. It was a nice shade of purple. That ended it right there.

She has played a domme role for me, but that was to satisfy my need, and resulted in
BDSM lite.

You have to relize that we men are not hard wired the same as a female and sometimes we are so needy and want that we do not see what we can get.

We have always had great sex on a regular schedule. A slight problem, called menopause got into the way for a few years.

You do know the meaning of menapause is really MEN-ON-PAUSE!!!!

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 6:25:41 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Fifty Shades of Grey critics slam bondage stereotypes

...While the series has obviously titillated readers, sex experts and members of the alternative sexual community say the books draw a problematic and unfounded link between sadomasochism and mental illness.

“As a researcher in this area of sexuality, it doesn’t sit well with me,” says Caroline Pukall, director of the Sex Therapy Service in the Department of Psychology at Queen's University in Kingston, Ont.

The best-selling books focus on an enigmatic billionaire named Christian Grey, who becomes romantically involved with a sexually inexperienced young woman named Anastasia Steele and asks her to become his “submissive,” or sex slave.

The virginal Anastasia finds the world of handcuffs and leather whips both alarming and arousing. She soon learns, however, that Christian’s predilection for bondage and spanking is a consequence of being sexually abused as an adolescent.

While the books are fiction, this explanation plays into stereotypical attitudes toward the alternative sex lifestyle, says Tristan Taormino, a U.S.-based sex educator and author of The Ultimate Guide to Kink.

“There is an assumption that the reason he’s kinky is because he is damaged, because he had a rough childhood,” she says.

“There’s this assumption that there’s this one-to-one correspondence, which in real life there’s isn’t.”

The reality of BDSM

Studies on the psychology of BDSM (bondage, discipline, slave and master) practitioners have found that very few are mentally disturbed. If anything, the opposite is true.

An Australian study from 2002 that interviewed 19,307 respondents aged 16 to 59 found that BDSM buffs were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity than those who engage in so-called “vanilla sex,” the generally accepted term for non-BDSM sexual activity.

The study also suggested that men who partook in BDSM were less likely to have psychological distress than other men.

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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 6:53:39 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Christian (the male main character) manipulates Ana and is actually emotionally abusive, he's emotionally unavailable, he's obsessive and controlling about her food (and she doesn't have weight issues where she needs help), he isolates her completely from her surroundings, she has the NDA and can't discuss her relationship with him with anybody, he's overpowering, manipulative and controlling, stuff like that happens in BDSM but with 2 partners that are into BDSM, not with a virgin who hasn't got a clue.

It's not 2 partners who are turned on by alternative sexuality, it's a guy who blatantly takes advantage. He's damaged due to his childhood experiences an instead of working through them, he feels the need to control somebody who hasn't even discovered her own sexuality. Ask yourself, would you like your daughter (even if it is just an imaginary one) be taken advantage of by some rich guy who dazzles her with his wealth and background just to take advantage of her sexually, before she can actually discover her own sexuality? Would you like her to feel insecure, to be manipulated, to have isolated from her surroundings, tied to a guy who's emotionally unavailable?

I only read the first book and I don't think I can stomach the other two. I find it a bit of an insult for people into BDSM to be compared to the slick bastard, or that submissives are painted as clueless and whiny (like Ana).

You know, I thought about another appeal the book might have on women, it kinda fits into the tradition that "sex is dirty and nice girls don't like it", because something "bad" happens, she pays the price and we all go back to our old values where women have their proper place. A bit like the sinner going to confession, doing penance and being absolved, moral values restored since we now have the means to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
I think the book sells so well because it's the same guilt free pleasure as a rape fantasy, not responsible for anything that happens, absolved of all the guilt. in 50 shades, she sexually desires the guy and then she pays for it...

As a woman, I can't see anything liberating about that concept, it's more of a throw back, lay on the Catholic guilt trip...



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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 8:15:41 AM   
Boss4u


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		Dear All,
Thank you for your comments. It is helful to me and explains a lot.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 9:06:53 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I don't really want to go into too detailed an argument here but I didn't think of the relationship as abusive at all, yes christian is damaged but Ana wants everything that happens, even the 'punishment' at the end of the first book. He crosses the line when it comes to her privacy and she rips the shit out of him, takes no prisoners. By her own admission she is not submissive she likes kinky fuckery.

Far more irritating to me is that all of the people who are mentioned and 'in the scene' are damaged, the ex who goes mental, the old woman who prays on a young christian and of course cristian himself.

As i have said elsewhere today, this book is written as an erotic twist on twilight, expecting more is like wanting 24 to have a realistic plot.

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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 11:19:23 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Exactly. The book is not about an abusive relationship. Ana is quite able to handle herself and if you read all 3 books you will find it is pretty much a vanilla love story. Everyone is getting way to upset about a little novel series.

It was not well written, the sex scenes were repetitive, yeah, they alluded that he is dominant due to trauma, but so what?

There is not a book or movie in the world that will ever replace real life interactions and there are as many permutations of D/s and vanilla and everything else in between to not get so overwrought over this series of books.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 12:36:14 PM   
Moonhead


Posts: 16520
Joined: 9/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Exactly. The book is not about an abusive relationship. Ana is quite able to handle herself and if you read all 3 books you will find it is pretty much a vanilla love story. Everyone is getting way to upset about a little novel series.

It was not well written, the sex scenes were repetitive, yeah, they alluded that he is dominant due to trauma, but so what?

There is not a book or movie in the world that will ever replace real life interactions and there are as many permutations of D/s and vanilla and everything else in between to not get so overwrought over this series of books.

Why not get ovewrwrought?
There was much more of a fuss about Lady Chatterley's Lover and Naked Lunch, neither of which read like the author was dropped on their head as a baby then wrote their novel in Finnish and used Babelfish for the English translation.

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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 12:52:13 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		But were they ELONGATED?

Seriously, I can't really imagine anybody masochistic enough to read more than the first book. I'm honestly being polite when I say it's quite shite.

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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 12:56:52 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

But were they ELONGATED?

Seriously, I can't really imagine anybody masochistic enough to read more than the first book. I'm honestly being polite when I say it's quite shite.


I read them all, took about a week, I wanted to make sure i knew what I was talking about if someone asked rather than just slag it off because it is popular as many people have done, also I didn't hate them. yeah there are better books but there are also worse. You can see an improvement between book one and book three in terms of her description of sex and indeed the sheer quantity (though the end of the third book was pants) They are light summer reading.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 1:23:41 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Honestly, I read the first book and had to force myself to finish that piece of shite, compared to that even a Jackie Collins would count as literature, I liked the Twilight series (the books not the movies) because it was fast paced and well written, light summer reading, if the quality of the writing improved with the other 2 books of the shades, it's not surprising because it seriously couldn't get any worse!

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 3:35:04 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Is this book anything like Nine and a Half Weeks? I remember seeing that and it boring the royal knockers off me. Total girls' flick, with nothing whatsoever to interest men (although as the boyfriend going to see it with my GF, an inner sense told me that it was my frigging duty to find it all 'horny' for her sake). I have to say, also, that if I ever heard a female friend or acquaintance rave about it, it sent my opinion of her down a notch or two.

I ask partly because I've recently visited my younger sister's Facebook page, in which she's got herself involved in some utterly tawdry and cringe-inducing discussion with her female pals about who they'd all like to see playing the (anti) hero in the film of the book. The general consensus is the bloke who plays Wolverine in the X Men films.

My younger sister has no doubt forgotten - because I hardly ever use FB - that I'm one of her "Facebook friends'. I know how aghast she'd be if she knew I'd read about this 'Fifty Shades' drivel on her FB page. But it hardly matters to me. My main beef is that I don't like it when women go around being squirm-inducing nitwits. It's embarrassing and ruins my fantasies about them.


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RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 4:50:01 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Argh, the movie?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 6:16:54 PM   
Moonhead


Posts: 16520
Joined: 9/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
You can see an improvement between book one and book three...

In which case, she wasn't competent to be published when she wrote book one.
It's perfectly true that the way you learn how to write a good novel is by writing two or three bad ones. Publishing them for a fat advance, on the other hand, is taking the fucking piss.

_____________________________

I like to think he was eaten by rats, in the dark, during a fog. It's what he would have wanted...
(Simon R Green on the late James Herbert)

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 7:07:15 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		boss, the most important thing to remember is we're all individuals; your reality isn't mine, and isn't a lot of ours.
Men and women aren't really hard-wired that differently, and we have more in common than not. Lots of women want lots of sex before, during and after menopause, as long as their partners are interesting as well as interested.
However, I do believe what we like sexually isn't always of our choosing, and we literally can't force others to like what we want them to, as you've discovered.
So if this crappy book gets people talking about better sex, great. Just as long as they recognise it for what it is: sensationalistic crap, poorly written, boorish and sadistic. Any man or woman will tell you that's not how their viriginity should be celebrated or taken. If masochists get their jollies, fine. Just don't let young girls or guys think this is mainstream BDSM, reality or appropriate.


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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Fifty Shades of Dross: A Domme's Perspective - 7/31/2012 7:41:09 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

damaged, passive and/or submissive women as the nominal heroines: Twilight, Hunger Games,


I disagree that Katniss of the Hunger Games is not a true heroine. She accomplishes her goals and triumphs. She is wounded in the process, but she wins.

(in reply to Tantriqu)
Profile   Post #: 40
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